Elderly relative that I don’t know keeps asking for contact details and wants to stay in touch what should I do

[ClairDeLooney]

Looking for a bit of advice.

For context, my mum is in her mid 80’s and very poorly with advanced dementia, she can not communicate well and is housebound. She lives with my elderly father and my sister and I live nearby.

My mum had a small family and very few relatives are still alive. My nan (mum’s mum) had a brother, he married and had a daughter (more about her in a minute), from everything I know about them the brother’s wife was not a nice person, very controlling and domineering. My mum’s uncle died in the street at 50 from a heart attack and my nan never got over it, she always said the wife killed him off with the amount of stress she put under. As a result she had little to do with her sister in law and niece but they always sent letters, Christmas and birthday cards to one another.

The daughter, mum’s cousin, never married and lived with her mother until she passed away in her 90’s a few years ago. When she became frail the cousin took over the Christmas and birthday card writing and would always add in a little letter. However, they never met up and haven’t seen each other since the 1970’s. My sister and I do not know this woman, we have never met her and my dad only met her once at his and mum’s wedding some 50+ years ago.

However, since her mother passed away a a couple of years ago the cousin has been sending more letters on their own as well as in mum’s birthday and Christmas cards, I get the impression the poor woman is lonely, having lived with her mother all her life and now she is in her late 70’s probably regrets not having family and a life of her own.

However, she has started phoning mum and dad’s home line and leaving messages asking dad to call her back for a chat. We have also noticed that in all of her letters of late she keeps asking for both mine and my sister’s addresses and details, she also leaves her telephone number at the top of each letter obviously hoping we will call her. I really feel for this poor lady but she is a complete stranger to me, I have enough to worry about caring for my mum and helping my father (who is 85 and showing signs of dementia himself), I have my own personal issues and family to deal with and as caring and empathetic as I am, I’m not sure if I can take on the issue of another elderly relative. She lives about 30 miles away so not far and the last thing I want is to find her on my doorstep one day.

However, I do feel for her and feel that I should write to her explaining just how bad mum is now (although she is aware because last year dad accidentally answered the phone when she called), I would also like to know why she is so dead set on getting our addresses as we really don’t know her at all.

My dad says we should just leave it but she is not giving up and keeps writing letter a lot these days. I’ve attached the latest and I am concerned about her saying she wants to keep in touch with my sister and I “always” - what the heck does that mean!?

I really feel for the poor lady and would be happy to drop her a letter every now and then if that was all it was but I have too much on my own plate to have to deal with issues of someone I don’t know.

What would you do?

Edited by MNHQ to say we've removed the image as the OP was concerned it might be identifying

I have a good friend who lives abroad and moves around so I can’t write to him. I had to go all round the houses to try to get an address and eventually I had to tell him the truth, which was that I am making my will and needed an address.

My mum grew up in a small market town where everyone knew each other. I remember as a child going back there (1960s & 1970s) and wed go to market, mum would talk to people and there was a lot of woman living on their nerves or mother had controlled to stay home and care for them till they died - by which time they were in their 60s/70s and to old to have a family of their own.

This great aunt of OPs has done just that. The Aunt has controlled her husband until he dropped dead and then made sure the daughter stayed home and didn't marry or have a life of her own.

After the husbands death there was s plot off and that may be the reason for lack of contact in general, I feel sorry for the controlled woman, she didn't have the courage to leave home and have her own life by the sounds of it with the wrath of her mother a big fear.

It maybe that she is just reaching out to see you, see what her other family is like and she might not actually "want" anything from you other than conversation as she is lonely

It's difficult to ascertain that without somehow having contact and seeing which way the wind lies.

I volunteer for the age U.K. telephone friendship service. She sounds like a perfect candidate. Look them up and suggest she contacts them.

I imagine that is exactly how her life has panned out.

As I have said, I have no issue writing and receiving the odd letter here and there but I am just very apprehensive, I really could not handle it if she became very needy, I just have too much on my plate with my direct family and my own health issues. I will have to treat carefully and start with my planned simple letter with no contact details and see how it goes. Hopefully it will stay at that, with a few nice letters and cards and keep it at that.

I really do feel for her but she is not my responsibility, I don't say that as a callous remark, I say this as someone in currently carer's burnout. I am entitled to a life too and the last thing I want is to finish caring for my parents at some point down the line then having to move on dealing with another elderly relatives issue - one I don't actually know.

I used to write for the SIlverline writing service, which they disbanded but I believe they still have a telephone befriending service.

I may mention that and the Age UK one to her at some point down the line.

LadyVioletBridgerton I have just googled and see they are now the same thing, they must have merged.

She wants to make sure that someone is informed when she dies. I would think that’s all. It’s a real worry for people that no one will be told.

I think you're doing the right thing OP and some here are giving you a hard time. Just because she's a distant relative, you don't owe her anything. The lady may well be lonely, but she's had her whole life to forge friendships, take up hobbies or find other ways to meet people. I too would write her a short note explaining that as a family you're unable to communicate more than an occasional letter due to declining health and caring responsibilities. Ask her to respect that and not telephone for chats. Definitely don't include your own address in the letter.

she is your cousin once removed (ie by a generation) and after your Mum you appear to be her next of kin. She does sound lonely and she could well have some dementia as it does run in families. I think I would do Birthday and christmas cards with a note on events/how your parents are but nothing more. You never know she could be a millionaire and your little bit of kindness could be rewarded

Or you can get a BT phone that lets you program what numbers you want to go through unimpeded, with all others have to announce who they are before you even hear it ring (and then you can choose to answer or not).

I do wish people would stop with the money thing - I have zero interest in any money from someone I do not know. I genuinely can't believe people would even mention this. Who the hell would be happy spending an inheritance from someone they knew nothing about?

That's definitely what I am going to do, I have just drafted a simple letter and will get some nice paper to write it on. I need to keep it uncomplicated for my own sanity!

My point was more about being kind to be honest, even to someone you don't know

Don't write to her. You have more than enough on your plate without taking on a pushy and manipulative person you don't even know.

If you are going to do this, don't whatever you do include your return address or your phone number. A nice kind note, but no contact details, or she will invade your life the way she has your father's when he simply answered the phone.

But kindness sometimes gets pushed too far, sometimes people will rely too heavily on someone else, that could be anyone if it means they have a lifeline. That's my current concern.

As I am often told on the Elderly Parents board 'Be careful not to set yourself alight in order to keep others warm'.

So this is the daughter of your mums deceased cousin, and she hadn’t seen her cousin since the 70s - over 50 years ago?

No, I would not have the energy or capacity for this contact either. If you don’t want to see or communicate with her then just don’t reply to the letters. It’s likely that if you contact her she will ask to see you, and as far as you’re concerned she’s a complete stranger.

That might sound harsh, but on top of caring responsibilities in my own family and a full time stressful job, I barely have time to see my own friends who I love.

No, I won't, I will just write a nice letter letting her know the situation we are in atm, thanking her for mum's Christmas and birthday cards and leave it at that.

I really don't see the issue with giving her your address for her Christmas card list! Whether her mother was nice or what your granny thought of her is totally irrelevant. I imagine she's just concerned that, with your parents elderly and unwell, she has no contact details for the next generation.

Yes, that's exactly that, I go to bed absolutely frazzled and have no time for my own free time either, I am so super wary about what may start off as a simple couple of letters to being asked to pop over to help with this or that or being made to feel super guilty because she is on her own and has no support.

I really don't want that kind of guilt trip as I am a super pushover at times.

Yes, contact her, it won't take up a lot of your time and could make her very happy. Many of us spend a lot of time scrolling-doing the letters would only take twenty minutes or so. You never know, it could help you too. Don't want to get all "karma" but it is true that doing something nice sometimes has good effects for everyone. I'm not talking money, but sometimes you get good relationships, or someone shows you a photo/letters etc that interest you.

So just say no. It's completely ridiculous to not give someone your address when, for all you know, all she wants is for is Christmas cards, just because you have poor boundaries and struggle with saying no. This is all based on you catastrophising, on no basis, about what someone you've never met might want from you.

Aww, if it were me, I’d absolutely reach out to her. What a sad situation.

I have uncles and cousins who do the same to me, however it is on facebook not on the phone. So easily ignored. They've not been the slghtest bit interested for 50 years, so why start now?

I'd probably go with

Many thanks for the offer of contact, I'm not really interested at the moment what with everything going on, may I ask ask you to stop leaving these messages as it is distressing to my dad who also doesn't know you and thinks he is being scammed every time, which I then have to tackle and it is really affecting his quality of life. Many thanks and best wishes for the future.

But why would she need me for contact details? I don't have it in me to be travelling 30 miles away to sort out another person's life and I certainly don't want to be sorting out funerals etc for someone I know nothing about. Sounds harsh but if you have spent years caring for someone as I have my own mother (and I do it because I adore her) you too will understand what that does to someone, I don't have much left to give to others.

I want to enjoy the rest of my life with my husband and children, I don't want to be sorting out anyone else's life in my latter years. This woman is in her late 70's, her mother lived to 98. If she also lives to such an age I will be a pensioner myself.