Elderly relative that I don’t know keeps asking for contact details and wants to stay in touch what should I do

[ClairDeLooney]

Looking for a bit of advice.

For context, my mum is in her mid 80’s and very poorly with advanced dementia, she can not communicate well and is housebound. She lives with my elderly father and my sister and I live nearby.

My mum had a small family and very few relatives are still alive. My nan (mum’s mum) had a brother, he married and had a daughter (more about her in a minute), from everything I know about them the brother’s wife was not a nice person, very controlling and domineering. My mum’s uncle died in the street at 50 from a heart attack and my nan never got over it, she always said the wife killed him off with the amount of stress she put under. As a result she had little to do with her sister in law and niece but they always sent letters, Christmas and birthday cards to one another.

The daughter, mum’s cousin, never married and lived with her mother until she passed away in her 90’s a few years ago. When she became frail the cousin took over the Christmas and birthday card writing and would always add in a little letter. However, they never met up and haven’t seen each other since the 1970’s. My sister and I do not know this woman, we have never met her and my dad only met her once at his and mum’s wedding some 50+ years ago.

However, since her mother passed away a a couple of years ago the cousin has been sending more letters on their own as well as in mum’s birthday and Christmas cards, I get the impression the poor woman is lonely, having lived with her mother all her life and now she is in her late 70’s probably regrets not having family and a life of her own.

However, she has started phoning mum and dad’s home line and leaving messages asking dad to call her back for a chat. We have also noticed that in all of her letters of late she keeps asking for both mine and my sister’s addresses and details, she also leaves her telephone number at the top of each letter obviously hoping we will call her. I really feel for this poor lady but she is a complete stranger to me, I have enough to worry about caring for my mum and helping my father (who is 85 and showing signs of dementia himself), I have my own personal issues and family to deal with and as caring and empathetic as I am, I’m not sure if I can take on the issue of another elderly relative. She lives about 30 miles away so not far and the last thing I want is to find her on my doorstep one day.

However, I do feel for her and feel that I should write to her explaining just how bad mum is now (although she is aware because last year dad accidentally answered the phone when she called), I would also like to know why she is so dead set on getting our addresses as we really don’t know her at all.

My dad says we should just leave it but she is not giving up and keeps writing letter a lot these days. I’ve attached the latest and I am concerned about her saying she wants to keep in touch with my sister and I “always” - what the heck does that mean!?

I really feel for the poor lady and would be happy to drop her a letter every now and then if that was all it was but I have too much on my own plate to have to deal with issues of someone I don’t know.

What would you do?

Edited by MNHQ to say we've removed the image as the OP was concerned it might be identifying

This is exactly why I wouldn’t even send a polite one off Christmas card, she’s clearly not someone who understands the usual social norms, she just wants someone (anyone) to talk at. If you try to be gentle she’ll steamroll you and next thing you know she’ll be calling you everyday for a chat.

And/ or turning up for tea. Phoning for advice when the toilet gets blocked / electricity fails/ pigeon in the chimney....

Absolute nonsense.

Which bit of,

“My point is that, speaking very generally and not specific to op”

do you not understand?

ClairDLooney, to answer your question about where did you rant on this thread.
i think the above is very ranty. 🤣

It seems reasonable not to want a relationship with someone you don’t know but just happen to share genes with.

If you’ve not yet sent the letter, I would be more direct and be clear that you won’t be in regular touch. She doesn’t sound like someone who will read between the lines. Eg Your mother has advanced dementia and needs constant care, your father is declining. They are unable to take telephone calls. You have a busy life with a job, caring for them and disabled children so you also can’t chat on the phone. Your parents have enjoyed her letters in the past but find reading difficult now. If she needs to contact you - email is best but your busy life means you will not be able to reply regularly. You hope she has a good summer and will help your parents to send a card at Christmas.

And I honestly don't know why some posters such as yourself decide to be a complete twat to an OP in a tragic situation. Don't you think she has enough on her plate watching the mum she loves slipping away before her very eyes?

OP isn't ranting but she is sticking up for herself when posters imply that she is heartless because she won't take on another responsibility for a relative that she has never met and who hasn't bothered with OP and her family until now.

This isn’t remotely ranty. She is answering someone who was insulting her- or is she not allowed to do that?

If you think this is a rant I dread to think what pearl clutching you’d do in a genuine rant 🤣

Ranty? No, that was me defending myself against a nasty old troll - did you actually take the time to read what they said about me?

I have sent it today but I did keep it as polite but basic as possible. I explained that mum is now in the advanced stages of dementia and can not communicate and that dad is now very stressed and potentially has some cognitive issues on the horizon and for that reason any correspondence from us will be patchy and from me and not my parents.

I hope she gets the message and leaves dad alone now. If she wishes to email me I will respond but will delete if she starts becoming too much.

That's all I am prepared to do right now apart from maybe a Christmas card this year.

I think there's a number of posters who lack intelligence or reading comprehensive.

Pear clutching, going on about the OP ranting and calling the OP cold and heartless while completey ignoring the fact she's spent a number of years supporting her very ill mother and now father as well as her own ND children.

I wonder if these posters in real life, knowing the OP was going through all this would still call her cold and heartless to her face? The double standards women are held to is unreal.

No.
Cold sarcasm, definitely But not a rant.

Well done @ClairDeLooney it seems you set out the position clearly but politely and have hopefully said enough to steer her away from repeatedly contacting your dad. What happens next will reveal a lot about how understanding / needy she is. Fingers crossed she gets the message and relations become harmonious.

Thanks for saying that :-). I am 76 too and don't consider myself ancient. No way would I turn up on someone's doorstep unannounced and I doubt she would. I wouldn't like someone doing that to me! I actually try to avoid people as far as possible.

You've done the right thing and I doubt you'll hear much more from her, perhaps a card at Christmas.

You have a very busy life and I hope things smooth out for you in the future. Good luck.

Well, while we are clarifying things, what part of my post which discussed the poor and distressing behaviour of this woman towards OP's 85 year old father now and the general likelihood this kind of demanding behaviour will not be applied to the OP relates to this?

I understand your points about this elderly woman not showing kindness to op’s family in her lifetime.

My point is that, speaking very generally and not specific to op, our responses don’t always have to be strictly tit for tat.

Honestly, you seem to imagine none of us have ever been to Sunday school, let alone lived a life.

We can be neutral. We don’t always have to be locked in to how they treat us is my point. We can by led by our own independent thoughts about the situation.

Oh, yes! Turn the other cheek. A very bad move in this situation, which would be like telling a woman to be nice and ignore the red flags in a man she's been dating. You must have led a very sheltered life.

My own independent thoughts about the situation is I never want to lay myself open to outright stalking by a demanding woman ever again, and would strongly support any other woman to protect herself from further stress when she is already overloaded (and even if she wasn't) and has seen clear indicators of a person's communication style, as experience by her poor father.

This happened to me. The distant relative just wanted to know she wasn’t completely alone in the world and wanted to pass on jewellery and photos

You keep insisting that this lady is not your cousin, but if she is your mothers cousin, then she most certainly is your second cousin.

Blimey badfinger

I hope you feel better now!

I don’t know why you are being so continually combative about this and wanging on about Sunday school of all things?

If you read back through the thread I said to op that in her shoes I would write a neutral message wishing this relative well, explaining that her parents can’t handle voice messages and that she and her dsis are stretched looking after them.

So your views and mine on this are not very far apart.

The additional point I made that was addressed to you and not op was that we don’t always have to respond in a tit for tat way. As imho the world would be a pretty grim place without forgiveness or second chances. I did not say this applied to op in her situation so stop trying to make out that I did please.

I was making a general point and I’m entitled to my views just as you are entitled to yours.

Now the op has written to her second cousin and outlined the state of the races I doubt she will hear much more.

But she isn't the OPs cousin, she's her mother's cousin. I don't know anyone who would count second cousins as close relationship. My parents cousins are their cousins not mine. They might be second cousins technically but like most people, they are people I wouldn't recognise if they walked past me in the street.

And actually it doesn't matter if she's a 1st, 2nd or 3rd cousin. The point is the OP has never met her, her dad has only met her once and the OPs mum hasn't seen her in over 50 years and even before that hadn't had a close relationship.

I don't know why people like yourself are arguing with the OP about what her relationship is with this complete stranger to her. Just because the OP has a very small dna link to her, doesn't mean she's morally obligated towards this woman.

I’m not arguing, just pointing out a fact. You may have nothing to do with second cousins but I do, and I also know of many other families who also do.
The fact of the matter is they are related.

The problem here is that you see it as all or nothing. Either you ignore her or she ‘ends up on your doorstep’. What would it look like to be responsive to her loneliness while setting clear boundaries for communication? Could you tell her I am happy to have one phone call a month but nothing more! Could you get a charity with befriending to offer her some support? Etc. also I find your assumption she regrets bot having a family of her own problematic. You have said you know barely anything about her life. You don’t know what options she had or what she’s experienced. Don’t implicitly blame her for living differently to you.

This is very bad advice.

Op has already described her behaviour towards her 85 year old father as intrusive and pestering. She also monologues constantly about herself in conversations to the point that OP's unwell father is now actively avoiding her.

This isnt someone who is going to adhere to the boundaries of "a phone call a month"- she's already leaving multiple message on OP's dad's answer phone asking him to ring her back when he clearly doesnt want to.

OP is a carer for both of her parents, thats enough. She doesnt need to be "responsive" to some random relative she has never even met and couldn't pick out of a line up. This woman is perfectly capable of pestering her dad so she is perfectly capable of forging her own friendships or seeking out companionship/community opportunities herself.

No one is arguing they are related, the OPs even STATED in her thread title about an elderly relative. Why then do you need to point out the blindingly obvious to the OP she's related to someone she knows she related to?

Does this mean in your opinion because she is related that she must do something about it? Have you missed the part where this "relative" has not met the OP? Had made no effort on her part to get to know her? Knew of her mums alzhimers and still chose to not meet her?

The fact they are related is completely irrelevant. This "cousin" hasn't behaved like a family member for decades, I'm not sure why the OP needs to be told she's somehow obligated towards this women.

Ok, I'll reframe my response.

Yes, she is technically my cousin once removed but I don't see her as that, or if I'm being brutally honest, as family at all because she has had absolutely nothing to do with me throughout my 53 years.

I have friends and people that I care for who I would count as family before someone who just so happens to be related to my own mother. Mum also has around 4 or 5 cousins from her father's side but I wouldn't have the a clue who they are or if they are even still alive.

How many on here have relationships with their parents cousins? I imagine it's a small percentage. My DH comes from a very large family and I don't think he knows any of his parents cousins, he certainly doesn't have a relationship with any of them.

I really hope so. If she is lonely and struggling I truly feel for her but I don't want her leaning on me to help her through her older/frailer years, I don't have it in me to do that with all the other shit going on in my life (some things I've not even listed on here).

If she does start emailing me and it becomes apparent she is having issues then I will research and find local helplines for her and that's all I can offer at this point in my life.

Fingers crossed she does have some support already.