Elderly relative that I don’t know keeps asking for contact details and wants to stay in touch what should I do

[ClairDeLooney]

Looking for a bit of advice.

For context, my mum is in her mid 80’s and very poorly with advanced dementia, she can not communicate well and is housebound. She lives with my elderly father and my sister and I live nearby.

My mum had a small family and very few relatives are still alive. My nan (mum’s mum) had a brother, he married and had a daughter (more about her in a minute), from everything I know about them the brother’s wife was not a nice person, very controlling and domineering. My mum’s uncle died in the street at 50 from a heart attack and my nan never got over it, she always said the wife killed him off with the amount of stress she put under. As a result she had little to do with her sister in law and niece but they always sent letters, Christmas and birthday cards to one another.

The daughter, mum’s cousin, never married and lived with her mother until she passed away in her 90’s a few years ago. When she became frail the cousin took over the Christmas and birthday card writing and would always add in a little letter. However, they never met up and haven’t seen each other since the 1970’s. My sister and I do not know this woman, we have never met her and my dad only met her once at his and mum’s wedding some 50+ years ago.

However, since her mother passed away a a couple of years ago the cousin has been sending more letters on their own as well as in mum’s birthday and Christmas cards, I get the impression the poor woman is lonely, having lived with her mother all her life and now she is in her late 70’s probably regrets not having family and a life of her own.

However, she has started phoning mum and dad’s home line and leaving messages asking dad to call her back for a chat. We have also noticed that in all of her letters of late she keeps asking for both mine and my sister’s addresses and details, she also leaves her telephone number at the top of each letter obviously hoping we will call her. I really feel for this poor lady but she is a complete stranger to me, I have enough to worry about caring for my mum and helping my father (who is 85 and showing signs of dementia himself), I have my own personal issues and family to deal with and as caring and empathetic as I am, I’m not sure if I can take on the issue of another elderly relative. She lives about 30 miles away so not far and the last thing I want is to find her on my doorstep one day.

However, I do feel for her and feel that I should write to her explaining just how bad mum is now (although she is aware because last year dad accidentally answered the phone when she called), I would also like to know why she is so dead set on getting our addresses as we really don’t know her at all.

My dad says we should just leave it but she is not giving up and keeps writing letter a lot these days. I’ve attached the latest and I am concerned about her saying she wants to keep in touch with my sister and I “always” - what the heck does that mean!?

I really feel for the poor lady and would be happy to drop her a letter every now and then if that was all it was but I have too much on my own plate to have to deal with issues of someone I don’t know.

What would you do?

Edited by MNHQ to say we've removed the image as the OP was concerned it might be identifying

Thank you. There are so many double standards on MN that it's almost comical.

Thank you. I am sorry you have also been a dementia carer for a parent, it's no fun is it? It's always apparent to me that there are so many on this site who have zero idea what that entails, it's soul destroying.

You don’t have to be kind. You don’t have to be cold. There is a middle way. You can acknowledge them civilly, state your honest position, and then it’s up to them to deal with that, but at least they know what’s what and can make arrangements to leave their estate to the cat home or whatever.

Neither my sister nor my dad want to get involved. My dad has said when this cousin did speak to him on the phone she talked non-stop about herself and never once asked how he was. He really doesn't want to get involved at all and I have sent this letter without his knowledge as he will be quite angry that I have got involved.

If you use "see all" you can see OP decided on this much earlier in the thread.

Why would anyone want to send a Christmas card to someone they don't socialise with and never meet?

You know this how?

The woman is already pestering an elderly man, even though she's been asked to back off.

It's hardly an unusual scenario. Lots of people do this.

I know - we are still getting Christmas cards for the people who lived in our house before us. And we moved in half a century ago.

But getting in touch with a long-lost relative and asking for their address, specifically so that you can send them a Christmas card, takes this to a new level of absurdity.

Precisely, @badfinger. In my experience, an awful lot of the be kind brigade completely ignore how badly it will affect the person they’re asking to show that “kindness”. Either that or they’re all words and no action - because 9 times out of 10 they’re pretty certain they won’t be in that position themselves.

There were two similar threads recently where the OP was facing having to take in a relative’s child, to the severe detriment of their own lives and those of their own children. Of course, dozens of the be kind brigade declared they would do it in a heartbeat; they could never be so cold to a poor, innocent child… completely ignoring the OP’s existing innocent children who would have their lives turned upside down.

OP you do not have to justify yourself at all. Even if you weren’t providing any care for anybody you still would have every right to say no. I find it so interesting that older people who have previously made no effort with others (and in some cases been actively abusive etc.) are then surprised to find themselves alone and expect others to then just automatically provide them with attention/friendship/care. This woman has had 70+ years to develop her own community and has chosen not to. That is her responsibility, not yours. As other posters have said, to have a village you need to be a village.

And to all those posters saying the OP should facilitate contact for inheritance purposes: shame on you. Not all of us are so mercenary.

OP, you have a hell of a lot on your plate. It would be a kind thing to send the occasional letter or card but I can absolutely understand your wish not to become embroiled in a closer relationship with this woman or to take on any aspect of care for her.

I do keep in touch with a cousin of my mum's and one of my dad's - but they have always been in my life to some extent, and shown interest in us. Also recently connected with a cousin of my mother's who didn't even know we were out there as that side of the family had lost touch. But it's friendly, occasional and undemanding.

I was initially all ready to say "be kind to this old lady" but having read your updates I understand and agree with your need to protect your time and energy and prioritise those close to you over a relative who has never really bothered till now.

I’m aware thank you Badfinger but I wasn’t addressing op. I was attempting to reply to your post of 09.55 and it didn’t attach! Sorry about that!

I understand your points about this elderly woman not showing kindness to op’s family in her lifetime. And of course it’s up to op how she chooses to deal with this according to their relationship (previously non-existent) and how much she has on her plate, which she has done.

My point is that, speaking very generally and not specific to op, our responses don’t always have to be strictly tit for tat. They generally are because that’s how life works.

But someone can treat you terribly and we can choose to rise above that and treat them well for our own reasons of because they are ill, old, or generally unaware. We can of course do the opposite. We can be neutral. We don’t always have to be locked in to how they treat us is my point. We can by led by our own independent thoughts about the situation.

It's the inheritance ones which have really gotten to me tbh, I can't imagine ever comfortably spending money given to me by someone I knew nothing about, why on earth do people still leave their hard earned money to complete stangers simply because somewhere down the line they are related?

If I were ever in that position I would will it to a good cause/charity not some random.

I’ve read some of your replies, as hard as it may be on this lady being on her own now, I totally get why you don’t want to be involved, you have ALOT on your plate already, I guarantee you those having a go at you wouldn’t take on with extra themselves if they were dealing with all you deal with, thankfully (and hopefully) I never had to care for dementia family, the only way I can imagine it be is like looking after a fully grown aging adult with the mind of a young toddler, it would be absolutely exhausting. Im thinking this lady is possibly autistic, she has no understanding on boundaries by the sounds of it, she’s extremely persistent in her phone calls and letters and hasn’t taken the hint in all this time, she’s extremely persistent talks about herself when speaking to your dad and had no self awareness of what she was doing and the way she didn’t properly acknowledge your mothers declining health when your dad told her. Maybe I’m totally wrong but just how you describe her behaviour she definitely comes across as ND herself. In regards to the will if that is her intention as a lot have pointed out, she shouldn’t need your address, you can be located through details she’s left in her will anyway so you and your sister wouldn’t be hard to trace. I understand you wouldn’t feel comfortable spending her money, if that’s what she is planning on doing, then it’s not hard to either pass it onto your kids or some charity’s, perhaps to a charity that cares for dementia patients and their families. But we’re getting ourselves here with this will talk, maybe she hasn’t got a penny and just wants you and sister to be her carer, who knows. Anyway, you’ve sent the letter, I’m sure you’ll probably receive a reply to your parents house within days of her getting your one anyway 😂

Exactly. It’s gross. If I was in that position I’d have great fun fulfilling little charities’ Amazon wish lists and setting up some endowments in the arts etc.

It reminds me of a documentary I saw years back about a gardener who “befriended” an old man by doing his garden for free. Within about 18 months the gardener had moved himself and his whole family into the poor man’s house and was living there rent-free. There are so many vultures circling around elderly people.

I honestly don’t know why you asked Mn about this as you seem to know exactly what you want to do about this relative.
So, just do it and stop ranting to anyone on here who doesn’t agree with what you want to do.

She has treated OP's father terribly. It is not OP's job to "rise above it" and roll out the carpet for this woman to ride roughshod over her as well.

I have no idea how your post was in response to my post of 9.55, other than to virtue signal. This woman has shown who she is - selfish, selfcentred, ruthless, uncaring, entitled, and demanding, at the worst possible time for an 85 year old man with too much on his plate already.

If you want to go about your life "rising above" clear indicators of trouble ahead, go for it - but I listen to my instincts, my warning senses, and pay attention to the clear and obvious signs, personally. And it seems as if the OP is already a goodhearted and caring person, prone to overhelping others out of the goodness of her heart, and doesn't need your little guilt-tripping homilies.

This.

I never understand posts like this. OP might well have known she didn’t want to engage with this woman long-term, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t want or appreciate other people’s thoughts on how to approach it (whether to reply at all, how to do so if she does etc.). I really don’t see the problem with her asking the question.

Even if OP chooses to ignore every single piece of advice on here, that’s up to her. Do you know the difference between advice and an order? If she was ignoring a unanimous consensus, you might have a point, but it’s nothing like that.

I agree. I can't see what "reasons" the OP would have for having anything at all to do with this woman far less "treating her well". She's never met her and the woman hasn't bothered her arse with the OP for over 50 years. Why is the onus on the OP to "rise above" anything?

And I disagree that somehow we need to treat people well just because they are old or ill if they've treated someone appallingly or just not bothered as in this case. I'm a big believer in you treat people how you want to be treated. Just because you're family or distant related, doesn't mean you are entitled or should expect support or help if you've failed to exhibit this behaviour yourself.

The double standards on here are shocking. This second cousin hasn't bothered her arse with the OP in over 50 years which the "be kind" brigade seemingly have no issue with. Yet somehow the OP is "cold" and "heartless" for not having the mental capacity after supporting her parents with dementia and ND children to write a letter to a woman she's never met.

Yes it's a shame when older people are lonely and have no family but we never know the full back story in most cases. And relationships including family ones are about getting out what you put in. And how much connection is this cousin going to have with the OP who she has never met. The OPs probably got more of a relationship and connection with her postie. You can't not make an effort for 50 years and then when suddenly it's convenient for you, think you can slot into a ready made family unit and they'll do all the hard work for you.

Er, you have perhaps deliberately missed the bit where I said I was speaking in general and not specifically about op, so in no way was I guilt-tripping her.

But please carry on ranting and misconstruing what I actually wrote if it makes you feel better!

And I disagree that somehow we need to treat people well just because they are old or ill if they've treated someone appallingly or just not bothered as in this case. I'm a big believer in you treat people how you want to be treated. Just because you're family or distant related, doesn't mean you are entitled or should expect support or help if you've failed to exhibit this behaviour yourself.

If this woman was the OP’s age and was complaining on here that her cousin’s daughter hadn’t invited her to her wedding, everyone would be telling her to get a grip. But because it’s an older woman, a significant chunk of people have cast her in the role of poor lonely old dear, and OP as the rotten Scrooge who won’t just “be kind”.

You told me your homily was directed at my post, therefore to me. I was writing about the OP's situation, which is the topic of this thread. Hence you have guilt-tripped and holier-than-thou'd both me and the OP.

Erm, where exactly have I been 'ranting'? 😂