Dd stormed out leaving me with her baby

[doubleredbull]

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one.

So, at 13 my daughter started a new school, she's summer born and she struggled to make friends due to established friendship groups. When she did make friends it was ones in the wrong crowd. Her older brother was struggling with his MH so perhaps I took some attention away from her but it was a real juggling act

Her behaviour got worse when she got a bf, she was a lovely girl but very naive and easily led, he was 14 at the time (and dd later turned 14) and pretty much left to his own devices as his mum had a new family. DD’s behaviour got worse after this, he seemed to project all of his attitude onto her and she started acting like I was the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me and wasn't a nice person to be around. Grounding did nothing, she'd storm out anyway.

Fast forward to last year just after school finished for the summer holidays, dd and her boyfriend went missing and long story short, I found out dd was pregnant. She knew but didn't tell me because i’d “try and control her” she was 25wks but baby was healthy on scans etc and social services didn't seem to have any concerns.

She turned 15 later in the summer and she gave birth in October, he's just turned 7 months old and he's great. She's currently going into school sit her GCSEs so I am helping out briefly whilst she revises and goes into school but I've made it clear after this he's all hers as I have other dc to look after and im studying myself and working pt.

Her bf has really grown up in his defence, he turned 16 just before my gs was born and he got a job whilst also sitting his exams and he talks a lot about wanting to be a good role model for grandson.

I made it clear that dd had to be on some form of contraception if she wanted the bf over to help with baby and she agreed to the pill. Rightly or wrongly I allow him to sleep over whenever as its just not worth the fight with dd I check with her she's taken it and she says yes she has. I'm not naive and I know they're having sex so I've also provided condoms. I know this will be judged by some but either way they would and i’d rather avoid a 2nd child.

However, a few days ago she admitted to me her period was late but was adamant she had been taking the pill. It turns out that she had missed quite a few days but they were using condoms (apparently) I told her if she can’t be sensible he can’t stay over at all (id already banned him the night before exams) as she knows how babies are made and she wants to go to college etc, she then twisted my words and said I implied my grandson was a mistake and ruined dd’s life which I didn't say.

Thankfully dd’s period has came and she came to me this evening and asked if he can stay over and she's not pregnant and neither of them have an exam tomorrow, I said no not after how she's spoke to me the past few days and she carried on asking and saying how she has cramps and he's teething and hasn't slept much the past few days not even naps and said he missed his dad (despite seeing him in the day yesterday). I stuck to a firm no as it's my house at the end of the day and she's spoken to me like crap

She then threw a tantrum and called me controlling and said she won't sit the rest of her exams then and stormed off leaving me with a crying screaming baby who won't sleep and while he has calmed down he's not asleep

Dd is ignoring my texts

I'm at my wits end

Where is your husband in all this?

I am not saying that a social worker should be totally rules out, but if OP is up to this a social worker is not necessary.

In my experience a social worker is not the panacea that will make everything alright. A
relative of mine has a special guardianship and the social service involvement was sometimes
good and sometimes not. Lovely well meaning people but their workload is insane. The social service is over stretched and could just add frustration.

I do think that as a society we have moved away from family support and expect the state to step in and care for us. It is sad!

Jesus this poor girl needs so much more support, this must be so hard for her.
Being a mum is hard, she's a single mum, in full time education, and she's a fucking child. She needs some proper support not your criticism that she's not doing enough to fix her son's sleep routine! Does she know HOW to set a sleep routine for a baby? Has anyone taught her? Does she have any mum friends? Or are you the only other mum she knows?

Honestly I think you're just punishing her still. But it's not her fault, or her boyfriends, or her friends, or her boyfriends parents that let him do whatever he wants (pot, kettle, black) it's your lack of parenting that put your child in a situation and is keeping her in a situation where she is a single mother.

And how fucking stupid to suggest the pill, I couldn't remember to take my pill every day when DS was born and that was being an established mum with full time support off a wonderful partner.

She's probably at breaking point the poor kid. Parent your child.

I can't understand the vitriol on here for a young girl whose had a baby !
I can't imagine my DC being parents so young !

Op as hard as it is I think you need to keep the shop afloat during GCSE has she got any potential to pass ?
English and maths at least ?

He's not allowed to stay over? to be fair that horse has bolted. They're having a sexual relationship either at yours, his or behind the chip shop- surely it's preferable to let it play out in her home where he can support both her and his son. It sounds as if he's stepping up as best he can.
She needs support and it shouldn't just be down to you if you have other family commitments. Perhaps some sort of rota system might help, to give her time with the baby, time to study and time to be a 15 year old with her boyfriend.
Sit them both down and make decisions together- sadly she does need to grow up more quickly now she has a child to look after.

Your daughter is very immature, that fact is very clear. She's not responsible enough to take the Pill, so she needs to be on the injection or implant. If you are relying on her to remember to take the Pill (and properly) and to use condoms, at some point she will become pregnant again. I'm afraid your daughter's promises aren't reliable ones.

Going forward you need to firm up on your boundaries. I suspect that your daughter is reacting the way she is, because she's not used to boundaries. At the end of the day, you are the adult, not your daughter.

Personally, I think you need outside support from SS to help your daughter. She needs parenting classes but also a very big dose of reality. If you don't get that outside support, at some point you will be left holding the baby, more and more frequently. Your daughter isn't mature or responsible enough, in her current mindset to put her son's needs before her own wants...and that could be a disaster.

Op I agree with talking to them both and try and get them involved ,talk about the bjgger picture /passing exams jobs money to do nice things (as well as give their son a decent life ).
Get them on board and engaged . Ask them what they would say to themselves etc.

If possible can you talk to his parents ?

Most 15 are very immature because they have only been on this planet for 15 years and don't know who they are or what life is.

On the sleep thing, that affects the whole household including the OP’s other children though.

Presumably she can learn about things like sleep routines from reading up on things like MN

What a mess. It sounds like neither child can parent their own child. It may well be best for him to go to a family who will give him everything he needs.

I really feel for you. I was pregnant at 17 and me and my mum had this sort of relationship. For me it was made a lot worse by when anyone ever came round professionally wise they only spoke to my mum which left me feeling disconnected and resentful. It was no ones fault (except my boyfriend who was more than twice my age?!) But there we are.

My only advice is find a contraception she can't forget like the injection. I genuinely hope things get better. If you can make it through until baby goes to school you should be ok. But easier said than done.

All social services will do is put you down as the family foster carer and that isn't going to make anything better unless that is what you want. In fact it will drive your daughter from your home.

Again, sincere condolences and hope it gets better.

Firstly she is under 16 so this is a child. Yes she’s got a boyfriend but is this relationship being pushed by his parents because now there is a baby? Sorry but I’ve seen this with certain families thinking this behaviour is normal. The lad presumably was shocked too he’s very young to have all this on his shoulders. OP is picking up a lot of caring as she is doing her GCSEs but I think there is a slippery slope in pushing both kids into a relationship. If she is living with OP and the baby let bf visit but not overnight. Yes I would be having a strong discussion about long term conception.

There needs to be social services input in the care of this poor, poor baby.
His future is clearly not with his birth family.

This

DD is going through GCSEs (stressful and in need of support, good sleep etc) and is a new mum who has a baby who has hit a rough patch and isn't sleeping (stressful and in need of support). And that's without adding in that she is a child herself.

She needs support.

If the request for BF to sleep over is to support her by looking after baby so she can have a break from being up every night / be rested for her exams I don't think it's unreasonable.

Can he not sleep on the couch with baby in their moses basket in the same room or if not would you be willing to take baby for a couple of nights?

I actually fully agree that I would give her some time off. You would do that if she was an adult. So let's say one night a week until the next lunch time? Maybe you already do that. Also one day a week where you both take the baby to do something fun. Taking them to the park and a babychino or similar.

You do need someone to sit and explain to her the consequences of just storming out. What if baby had needed to go to hospital, who would sign the forms etc.

Again massive hugs xx

She won't be an adult for another couple of years so I don't think you should suggest you will withdraw support after GCSEs. She is still your child and your responsibility. The chances of her staying with the boyfriend are not high, so you probably have to resign yourself to the fact that she will need you for quite a while.

I would let the boyfriend stay over on the condition that she sets a daily alarm on her phone to take the pill and that she doesn't get grumpy when you remind her about it.

This is not a “poor, poor baby” in the context of what social services will see.

He has a home, warmth, food, an involved mother, father and grandmother. No drugs or alcohol involved.

Yes, his very young mother is stressed out by teething and exams coinciding, but she didn’t storm out and leave him alone, she left him
with a responsible grandparent.

Your poor DD. Yes she's acting like a child. Because she is one. Her brain isn't fully developed yet so her decision making and impulse control is not - and can't be - that of an adult.

In terms of support - someone has to help her with overnights/getting baby into a routine/allowing her study time/relaxation time etc. That can either be the father or you and/ or dd's father if he's around.

I had my first at 29 and my mum did more than 2 x 2-hour babysitting sessions in 7 months so that DH and I could go out. DH is very hands on. I still found it exhausting/ a shock to the system. That must be far more so at 15.

Also agree with others - once her exams are over take her to the GP to get long term contraception sorted. Trying to remember to take a pill every day is just another way for her to fail.

Given the boy’s mother doesn’t want to see the kid, it seems unlikely she is pushing it

Contraceptive implant, immediately.

When you say that after her exams she's on her own with the baby, what does that mean exactly, in relation to her studying, working etc? I mean, you're probably looking at several years before there's the slightest chance of her living independently and making enough money to pay all her bills and also pay for childcare while she works. If you're not prepared to go on doing what you're doing for quite some time to come, what's the plan?

Children under the age of 18 are not tried as adults in the UK. We have a youth court system which is very different to the magistrates and crown courts.

Has she come home yet @doubleredbull?

Unless your prepared to bring up the baby yourself it seems like the only solution is adoption because your DD is unwilling to step up. Which given her age is not that surprising. You've been really supportive and helpful and far from being grateful she's behaving like a brat.

The DD has bodily autonomy.

LARC would be a good idea and should be discussed and encouraged, but OP. can’t demand it.

You have some hard choices to make...

I would do everything possible to get her to take her exams, as not having qualifications will massively affect her life chances

Try to get her using a longterm contraceptive eg implant. Use the angle that being able to focus on her son is best for him right now.

If she can't/won't do these things, then it's a question of what consequences YOU can live with.

For example, she's stormed off and left you with her baby, and won't answer her phone. That's child abandonment.
You could ring Social Services and report her. And it might result in her baby/your grandson being taken into care.

Or it could mean that Social Services become involved, find her accommodation, and she and baby move out. She'd probably end up living on benefits.

Or you could decide that you can't risk your grandson being taken into care, so you'll just look after him.
What happens if she has a second? What's your line in the sand? Decide what it is, and tell her, as unemotionally as possible. Perhaps write it down, so she can reread it.

She is still very immature.
Would she go to counselling? It's possible she might listen to advice from someone else...

Can you contact her bf? Get him over to look after his son. Try to get him onside with the contraception issue. And re getting qualifications.

Your DD has to understand actions have consequences, and rights come with responsibilities.

None of this is easy, and I feel for all involved.