Dd stormed out leaving me with her baby

[doubleredbull]

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one.

So, at 13 my daughter started a new school, she's summer born and she struggled to make friends due to established friendship groups. When she did make friends it was ones in the wrong crowd. Her older brother was struggling with his MH so perhaps I took some attention away from her but it was a real juggling act

Her behaviour got worse when she got a bf, she was a lovely girl but very naive and easily led, he was 14 at the time (and dd later turned 14) and pretty much left to his own devices as his mum had a new family. DD’s behaviour got worse after this, he seemed to project all of his attitude onto her and she started acting like I was the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me and wasn't a nice person to be around. Grounding did nothing, she'd storm out anyway.

Fast forward to last year just after school finished for the summer holidays, dd and her boyfriend went missing and long story short, I found out dd was pregnant. She knew but didn't tell me because i’d “try and control her” she was 25wks but baby was healthy on scans etc and social services didn't seem to have any concerns.

She turned 15 later in the summer and she gave birth in October, he's just turned 7 months old and he's great. She's currently going into school sit her GCSEs so I am helping out briefly whilst she revises and goes into school but I've made it clear after this he's all hers as I have other dc to look after and im studying myself and working pt.

Her bf has really grown up in his defence, he turned 16 just before my gs was born and he got a job whilst also sitting his exams and he talks a lot about wanting to be a good role model for grandson.

I made it clear that dd had to be on some form of contraception if she wanted the bf over to help with baby and she agreed to the pill. Rightly or wrongly I allow him to sleep over whenever as its just not worth the fight with dd I check with her she's taken it and she says yes she has. I'm not naive and I know they're having sex so I've also provided condoms. I know this will be judged by some but either way they would and i’d rather avoid a 2nd child.

However, a few days ago she admitted to me her period was late but was adamant she had been taking the pill. It turns out that she had missed quite a few days but they were using condoms (apparently) I told her if she can’t be sensible he can’t stay over at all (id already banned him the night before exams) as she knows how babies are made and she wants to go to college etc, she then twisted my words and said I implied my grandson was a mistake and ruined dd’s life which I didn't say.

Thankfully dd’s period has came and she came to me this evening and asked if he can stay over and she's not pregnant and neither of them have an exam tomorrow, I said no not after how she's spoke to me the past few days and she carried on asking and saying how she has cramps and he's teething and hasn't slept much the past few days not even naps and said he missed his dad (despite seeing him in the day yesterday). I stuck to a firm no as it's my house at the end of the day and she's spoken to me like crap

She then threw a tantrum and called me controlling and said she won't sit the rest of her exams then and stormed off leaving me with a crying screaming baby who won't sleep and while he has calmed down he's not asleep

Dd is ignoring my texts

I'm at my wits end

You do realise she doesn’t have to be in her own home to get pg this can happen anywhere. OP I feel for you I really do but you have to put boundaries in place. Stick to your guns. She is still technically a child herself add to that her hormones are probably all over the place it’s a tough one. Shame on the bf parents turning a blind eye as they could have helped out in some way. For the PP mentioning adoption how inconsiderate! The baby has a loving home regardless.

It's a perfect storm isn't it OP.

Daughter is probably still having raging hormones. She will be stressed about her exams and she is trying to look after a baby who knows what conversations she is having with the bf.

So what can you do?

You DD and her BF need to sit down and have a talk. Maybe not all three together but it has to be discussed.

She needs long term contraception, probably an implant. Make that a condition of her continuing to live with you.

Decide when bf can stay and when not, have input from both of them but you have the final say.

What does she want to do after GCSEs and how is she going to get there?

@doubleredbull sounds hard i dont have much advice beyond the contraception.

Clearly the pill isnt a good fit.
I would be looking to support / encourage/ bribe her into getting an iud coil or implant fitted

Another pregnancy is the absolute last thing anyone needs.

It's a difficult period with exams, a new baby and decisions about college with her BF and others. There's clearly a lot of pressure ( for you all).

I agree about the injection/coil if she's old enough.
Support the idea of college with it's crèche. Together get the kids talking and planning for the future that both DD and her BF actually want and excited for. This doesn't mean staying together either - careers and money are more important. So good they have a work ethic.
She's not the first or last to get pregnant young Andy Farrell, Head Coach of English/Irish rugby had Owen Farrell (former Captain of England ) when he and his GF were both 16. They got married, had more kids and stayed together ever since. Amazing but have faith it can work out.

i agree she needs a more certain form of contraception- have you been to the gp
with her and what do they say on that??
Agree he shouldn’t be staying over, are you helping her with the nights?? She does need help with the nights but he cannot stay so someone needs to help. A baby at 15, not sleeping plus exams is a lot.
What’s his family like?? I’d try and have a brilliant relationship with them / his mother because the two of you are absolutely crucial in the likelihood of a positive outcome for your kids and grandkid..

@doubleredbull Help her with the nights while she is doing her exams at least, read the riot act to her boyfriend, take her to get the contraceptive injection.

You say you have other children, but you have this child and you need to try to salvage what's left of her childhood.

I was a teenage mum too. I am very unimpressed with my parents parenting during my adolescence and I can tell you my own DC are not even close to finding themselves in that situation.

The HV should be giving some support with sleep, she’s doing exams and he’s not sleeping well You can get to a point with exhaustion that you take whatever sleep you can because you are too tired to change it
I presume he goes to nursery, he probably needs to go a bit more so she gets a few hours to herself at some point

Yes I thought OP sounded familiar. I feel so sorry for her daughter and the situation she has ended up in, which has no doubt been contributed to by having such an unsupportive mother.

I’ve raised 4 teens and I get you having to adore tons that make you feel uncountable. I myself was a nightmare teen.

in your shoes I’d say he can stay over 1-2 nights a week IF she goes on the injection AND meets her commitments with studying/ exams/childcare. From experience I found that very firm inflexible Novartis were needed for the most important stuff with an over exaggerated WELL DONE like you do with a potty training toddler when they do well.

i don’t envy you at all. My dd had her first at 21 and she was exceptionally immature. She did great apart from horrific pnd but then popped out 4 kids in 5 years and now complains relentlessly about how awful and hard it is. She has autism and adhd and knew it run in families as our family is so full of it were couldn’t see the word for the trees. I warned her repeatedly and was told I was an interfering old bitch and ooooh look. All of my beautiful grandbabies are showing signs and she’s drowning and expecting everybody to step in and parent. I do help, but it’s hard. Very very fucking hard.

The OP can do it on her own. It is not nice but the child needs looking after. People saying her daughter needs to grow up, yes in an ideal
World, but in an ideal world she wouldn’t have got pregnant.

What needs to happen is the child be looked after just like any other baby and right now the only person who can do that is OP.

If, and I will not go down the road of castigating OP for her parenting, because I wasn’t there, OP really can’t do it, then that poor baby boy is destined for a life none of us should wish on him.

OP can you and your daughter do this together? Thankfully the father is there but they are both so young. They are the ones that can’t do this on their own.

Yes, it's always a woman's fault somewhere.

If a first-time mother posted here that her 7mo baby was teething and she’d had a few sleepless nights in a row and was really struggling, she would get nothing but support, and suggestions of roping family members in to help temporarily so she could get some sleep. There’s a lot less sympathy being shown here to a 15yo who’s found herself in the same situation. No, in storming out the OP’s daughter didn’t handle the situation particularly maturely - but that’s because she is by definition not mature, she’s a child herself, and one who has, by the OP’s own account, been doing a fairly decent job of parenting up to now.

She needs support, effective contraception, some practical help with childcare so she gets a regular break, and a plan for the future. She’s still your child, OP, and still needs to be parented for the next few years.

There’s a couple of threads on here from a lady not in a dissimilar situation that you may be able to track down, her daughter, from memory did fall pregnant a second time when the first baby was a toddler. The father was slightly younger and in the care system, I think those threads would give you some great advise and some insight how to this could possibly play out if things don’t change.
The first thing I would do is ask her to use more reliable contraception than the pill, an implant in her arm and condoms instead of relying on remembering to take take something daily.
Contacting social services isn’t something to be done lightly especially if this is the first time she has basically had a tantrum and left him in your care.
Your daughter is a teenager, hormonal and sitting exams even without a baby in the mix she would be abit of a nightmare at the moment.

I know, statements like @FriendlyMedusa are
not helpful. The whole situation is appalling, for want of a better word.

We can blame until the cows come home, but a lot of people can’t cope with this. Sad, but it is a fact.

Let’s hope there are some caring and resilient people in these young people’s lives and this situation can be handled in a way the 3 young lives are not destroyed.

It’s happened now and there is an innocent baby here who didn’t ask to be born. If I was you, then I would be doing all I could to help my dd raise this baby, she is still a child herself, she needs support and guidance. No bf staying over, end of. They can stay over when they are 18 and she is on more reliable contraception.
People suggesting giving this baby up for adoption is insane imo, when there is a fully grown adult there to help dd. She just needs support. She is so young.

The 15 year old and her boyfriend are using contraception - if she forgets the pill, they use condoms, which is the right thing to do.

Agree that injection or implant would be better but there are only two more weeks or so of GCSEs so best to introduce it after that.

OP, you are effectively a co parent of this baby, unfortunately, so DD went out and left her baby with one of his parents, emotionally speaking.

You need to put your foot down OP. Also the father, although he sounds like a decent lad, must do his share. Firm boundaries need to be set in place, contraceptive injections, please dont end up like my friend who's teenage daughter kept pumping out babies an dumpling them on mum. After the 3rd one Mum had a breakdown and the little ones ended up in foster care. She is now NC with her daughter and doesnt know if she has produced any more unwanted babies.
She is just heartbroken

Oh and “the council” aren’t going to find a flat for a 16 year old couple with a baby and presumably minimal income, when the mother and baby have a grandparent to live with and provide support. There’s just not the housing stock available.

They just had another pregnancy scare so something is not working.

I find it so sad that the other grandparents don't want to be involved and have never met the baby 😞

Well you (and she) needs to sort out contraception. Why on earth doesn't she have an implant or injection.
When i found out my then 15yr old was having sex she was marched straight down to family planning clinic and sent in by herself and got an implant.
Lots of other boundaries needed but actually not allowing the bf/father to parent is not one of them.
Do you think they can't and wont be having sex elsewhere.
You are partly to blame for this mess I am afraid, you need to try and fix it.

The DD had a late period. She wasn’t pregnant.

So yes, the scare may have been “logical” in that DD knows they didn’t actually use condoms once or twice. Or the late period may have been natural fluctuations or exam
stress and DD knows condoms aren’t 100%

Like I said. LARC would be better, but not in the middle of exams.

You have a social worker, right?

I can’t offer much advice as I’ve not been in your position. I do have a teen DD who is a little immature for her age but thankfully no babies yet.

Things haven’t gone how you’d planned but life can often be like that.

What’s important now is making sure that she knows that you love her and that you’re there for her. Same with the BF. I would let him know that you appreciate him stepping up and supporting both your DD and his LO. You’ve not mentioned his Dad so I’m assuming he isn’t around? I think this makes it worth commenting on that he’s doing a good job himself.

I take it that your DD’s DF isn’t around either?

So it’s looking like all the adult support comes from you and you have other DC? That’s a lot to deal with, both physically and mentally.

How is your DD at making sure that her LO gets the things that he needs and is fed regularly and on time? If shes doing all of that I would again have a chat with her about how well she’s doing even if you think that she is being irresponsible and immature in other ways.

It can be hard to adjust to your DD becoming a Woman. One thing that helped me understand how she was feeling and gave me some tips was the book Untangled by Lisa Damour.

For now though I think you need to have a think about whether you’re going to let her BF stay occasionally and help her at night or if you’re going to look after her LO for her on the night before her exams and do some apologising and try and build the relationship with her that you want in the future

Why sad? I think she should help financially but outside of that it’s her decision.