Dd stormed out leaving me with her baby

[doubleredbull]

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one.

So, at 13 my daughter started a new school, she's summer born and she struggled to make friends due to established friendship groups. When she did make friends it was ones in the wrong crowd. Her older brother was struggling with his MH so perhaps I took some attention away from her but it was a real juggling act

Her behaviour got worse when she got a bf, she was a lovely girl but very naive and easily led, he was 14 at the time (and dd later turned 14) and pretty much left to his own devices as his mum had a new family. DD’s behaviour got worse after this, he seemed to project all of his attitude onto her and she started acting like I was the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me and wasn't a nice person to be around. Grounding did nothing, she'd storm out anyway.

Fast forward to last year just after school finished for the summer holidays, dd and her boyfriend went missing and long story short, I found out dd was pregnant. She knew but didn't tell me because i’d “try and control her” she was 25wks but baby was healthy on scans etc and social services didn't seem to have any concerns.

She turned 15 later in the summer and she gave birth in October, he's just turned 7 months old and he's great. She's currently going into school sit her GCSEs so I am helping out briefly whilst she revises and goes into school but I've made it clear after this he's all hers as I have other dc to look after and im studying myself and working pt.

Her bf has really grown up in his defence, he turned 16 just before my gs was born and he got a job whilst also sitting his exams and he talks a lot about wanting to be a good role model for grandson.

I made it clear that dd had to be on some form of contraception if she wanted the bf over to help with baby and she agreed to the pill. Rightly or wrongly I allow him to sleep over whenever as its just not worth the fight with dd I check with her she's taken it and she says yes she has. I'm not naive and I know they're having sex so I've also provided condoms. I know this will be judged by some but either way they would and i’d rather avoid a 2nd child.

However, a few days ago she admitted to me her period was late but was adamant she had been taking the pill. It turns out that she had missed quite a few days but they were using condoms (apparently) I told her if she can’t be sensible he can’t stay over at all (id already banned him the night before exams) as she knows how babies are made and she wants to go to college etc, she then twisted my words and said I implied my grandson was a mistake and ruined dd’s life which I didn't say.

Thankfully dd’s period has came and she came to me this evening and asked if he can stay over and she's not pregnant and neither of them have an exam tomorrow, I said no not after how she's spoke to me the past few days and she carried on asking and saying how she has cramps and he's teething and hasn't slept much the past few days not even naps and said he missed his dad (despite seeing him in the day yesterday). I stuck to a firm no as it's my house at the end of the day and she's spoken to me like crap

She then threw a tantrum and called me controlling and said she won't sit the rest of her exams then and stormed off leaving me with a crying screaming baby who won't sleep and while he has calmed down he's not asleep

Dd is ignoring my texts

I'm at my wits end

It doesn't matter she's the only parent stepping up to the situation as a whole, because she's the resident ADULT parent of her CHILD -15yr old DD.

The 15 yr old mother is generally stepping up. Far from perfectly, but few new mothers do in the first year. They just have different imperfections as they're not 15, doing GCSE's and trying to hold their relationship together as well.

At 16 different options open up for both,without it being a disaster, but right now that's the position.

She will and already is financially dependent on the state while she's young. Her UC and CB claim will be added to her Mums, (unless for some reason they've chosen not to claim it.)
She will then face the same situation every 18yr old parent and over faces about finding work vs nursery hours. If she and Dad are together, it will help.

If she does become pregnant again (and no one can force her not to) then it's unlikely she will still be 15 when due, so it will be for her Mum, her, SS, and possibly the father, to decide what happens next.

She will be no less able to afford to get a job when she's old enough, than any other single mother who gave birth later.
Yes none of it's desirable, but it isn't the automatic disaster long term you see.

Those on here who were teen mums have said they couldn’t have done it without the agreement and support of their parents.

I am one of the then teen Mums on here and said no such thing.
I had no parents, no support, no GCSE's, and had to earn my keep.

Adoption is a last resort for children who cannot safely stay at home. Hardly anyone voluntarily relinquished a child in the UK, so let's not follow that path.

Equally, there are issues that need addressing. I simply can't believe that social services are not keeping an eye here. The mother is still under 16, still having sex with her partner, never mind the baby. There is a Child In Need category as well as a Child at Risk in social services.

I have two adopted children. Birth mum was not that interested in any of her many children and it got worse with each one. They were largely ignored and passed to whoever would have them. It has left a profound effect on them - significant attachment problems for starters.

Babies don't get a second chance. This is it for this baby. The mum or nan needs to be prioritising the baby's needs over everything else.

Some adoption stats - interesting that the average time from entering care to the adoption order is 2.25 years - obviously in that length of time, the birth parents would have both turned 18.

The average time between a child entering care and being placed for adoption was one year and seven months, the same as last year. In total it takes two years and three months from entering care to an adoption order being granted.
^^
These figures come amid growing concern for the decline in the number of prospective adopters coming forward, impacting the numbers of children with a plan for adoption waiting to be placed with an adoptive family and the amount of time they wait. Data published earlier this year revealed a shortfall of 750 adoptive families as of March 2025, almost three times as many as a year previously, with a 55% rise in the number of children waiting for over a year with a placement order.

Still most children are removed, not relinquished. Social services will do all they can to keep the family together.

‘Partner’ because they aren’t even old enough to be in a sexual relationship. As everyone keeps pointing out, they are children.

So why not refer to him as what he is: the babies father.

So she is going to expect the state to finance her and her child?

It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that she will get pregnant again given she’s still having sex and not taking her pill reliably. And it won’t be the decision of the father or the OP - it will be her decision alone.

Her relationship should be the least of her priorities. They should both concentrate on co-parenting, not risking another pregnancy.

You've said a lot. You seem to have a lot of opinions on this thread and I don't really think you're being very nice.

At this age yes she is, just like lots of girls and women do.

Yes it will be the thoughtlessness or decision of her and likely her alone if that happens.

Keeping her relationship is likely to be her best hope in her mind going forward, including in getting him co parenting. The chances of him sticking around if she just wants him to co -parent and finance his child while she's free to try elsewhere are low, and whatever 15 yr olds do and don't know, that's one they absolutely know.

I'm not advocating for any of it, I'm being realistic about the situation, rather than trying to say she should be a different teen than the one her mum describes.

To succeed with difficult situations with teenagers, you meet them where they are at, not where you think they ought to be.

It’s a discussion. I’m allowed to contribute.

The damage is done and I’m sure she would remember her pill if she was that bothered about not having another one.

At what point should she grow up and take responsibility (including financial) for the kid? With so many young people struggling to get jobs (despite having degrees etc), the future looks bleak for all concerned. It’s sad.

You've done plenty of contributing - there's no doubt about that. She's 15. She can't simply "grow up". Deciding her future is bleak is a reflection on the way you think and it has nothing to do with her because you have no idea.

Why do you think she is that bothered? Because you feel she ought to be?
Nothing like half the world telling you your life's already ruined, to make you think at that age, 'what difference does anything else make then?'

Do you think your own journey might be why you are reacting so strongly the way you are?
Have you gone on to have children, or are you possibly very young?
I don't mean to be nosy, but you come across as someone lacking experience of how challenging parenting can be, especially teens or in the face of adversity. Also, as unaware of how much progress they can make when they face challenges and are guided rather than punished.

You come across as wanting her to suffer, and angry she's not much and is getting away with doing a reasonable job generally of looking after her child, and taking her exams and behaving in a way that says, yes she is 15 and all over the show. No surprise.
She's going to have to mature alongside her own child, it takes time.

She may well be looking at 'all those young people struggling to get jobs (despite having degrees etc)' and be thinking 'well that's clearly not a great future route is it?'
She also may be looking at the fears of population decline and be thinking 'this may actually be the best time to be getting away with having kids in sub optimal situations.' Worse still, if she is thinking that, she could actually be right.

Her future doesn't actually look particularly bleak. It could go in any direction at this stage. Her mum has a child with a genetic condition (hopefully not passed to DGC) that she's a carer for, so her future is already fairly defined in some directions, but also doesn't have to be bleak.

You come across as wanting her to suffer, and angry she's not much and is getting away with doing a reasonable job generally of looking after her child

This. There has been an awful element of "made her bed now lie in it" - I cannot understand why this particular poster is so angry at a young teen parent doing her best

I would love to be wrong. I genuinely hope she and her child have a fantastic life and she gets her education and goes on to great things.

Its is genuinely sad that someone can be in this position at her age. But according to the OP she is risking making the same mistake again.

It’s the people telling the OP that’s it’s her job to step up and that she has no choice that I don’t get. There are at least two other parents in this situation.

I am pretty sure that the OP was sold to Social Services as someone who would be heavily involved with bringing up this baby. No way would they be expecting a 15 year old to look after a baby on her own. Most young pregnant women get a flat - this girl can't get that atm as she is so young.

The OP has presumably agreed to be involved in a way the other grandparents have not.

If the OP hadn't agreed, I'm sure the girl and her baby would have gone into some kind of mother and baby residence, or to a foster carer.

They do not leave 15 year olds to bring up babies alone.

Most young pregnant women get a flat

I thought there was a shortage of housing and that it was much harder to get a flat now, in any case?

I think you still get treated as a priority. You might have to wait a bit but I do know some girls who got pregnant as teens and they got flats if they wanted one. Some still lived at home with mum.

My mum had a baby at 15 and then went on to have 3 more children. I realised last night this is why your posts irked me so much. Imagining my mum scared/struggling at 15 and then a grown woman like you being nasty to her/about her stings my heart

We grew up in a house my parents bought together, a 4 bed with 3 bathrooms and a huge garden. We went abroad twice a year. 3 of my siblings are married with children, all have good jobs.

We lived such a nice life I had no idea about electric top up metres or rent until I was a teenager

The way you've gone on in this thread it's like you think people are asking you to personally raise this baby 😅

..... my mum actually gave birth in a care home scared, alone, when she was in labour the woman in charge at the time wouldn't ring an ambulance as she apparently didn't believe my mum was in labour ( I don't believe this tbh I think she wanted my mum to make her bed and lie in it ) ...... the way you have posted throughout this thread reminds me of that woman. You give off the feeling that you'd happily watch a teenager struggle on their own

No it isn’t that but the thread has touched a nerve for you and I apologise for that.

It comes over as exactly that.
The thread hasn't touched a nerve for her, your attitudes and repeated doubling down on them all over it have.

It's entirely unnecessary.

I am going to stick my neck out and say if she did get pregnant, it wouldn’t be the disaster many of you think.

she’s already got one baby at 15. Might as well have another, get the family stuff out the way. By 21 both kids will be in school and she can restart her education. By 25 she can start her career properly, by 30 they will both be grown and she has the rest of her life ahead of her. No need for career breaks, mat leave or part time working around the kids.

i had my kids in my 30’s. I spent my 20’s fannying around without a clue what I wanted to do with my life. Did the wrong degree because I was pushed into uni. Then kids, and now I’m 50 and looking at retirement and don’t have the time or money left to restart the career I would have liked, had I known it existed at 18.

And benefits should be there to help her. It would be short term and would mean she can get her career going, and be a long term net contributor. I’d say she’ll probably put more into the system that someone who goes to uni, work 21-28, then becomes a sahm.

i don’t think it’s the end of her life. It will just be a different path. We support our kids through a’levels and uni, this is just different.

Really hard when by dealing with her sibling you neglected her needs, and from her point of view you see her as a problem so she may as well be one.
It’s going to be hard to sort out all the issues, you need help with how to deal with it all, speak to your GP to see what lessons are available in your area. Good luck.

Like I said I’m ND and can unintentionally be blunt. I have a strong opinion on the subject of the thread, as have many others, including those banging the drum for the kid to be adopted.

I have apologised to that poster so you don’t need to take up on her behalf.

No, you didn’t apologise for what you posted. You apologised that the thread touched a nerve. That’s different.

FFS are you still doing this?

I apologise that my replies to this thread have upset someone.

Is that better? I’m also sorry that my AuDHD means I don’t always express myself in the way that someone else feels acceptable. But feel free to carry on having a swipe.