Dd stormed out leaving me with her baby

[doubleredbull]

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one.

So, at 13 my daughter started a new school, she's summer born and she struggled to make friends due to established friendship groups. When she did make friends it was ones in the wrong crowd. Her older brother was struggling with his MH so perhaps I took some attention away from her but it was a real juggling act

Her behaviour got worse when she got a bf, she was a lovely girl but very naive and easily led, he was 14 at the time (and dd later turned 14) and pretty much left to his own devices as his mum had a new family. DD’s behaviour got worse after this, he seemed to project all of his attitude onto her and she started acting like I was the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me and wasn't a nice person to be around. Grounding did nothing, she'd storm out anyway.

Fast forward to last year just after school finished for the summer holidays, dd and her boyfriend went missing and long story short, I found out dd was pregnant. She knew but didn't tell me because i’d “try and control her” she was 25wks but baby was healthy on scans etc and social services didn't seem to have any concerns.

She turned 15 later in the summer and she gave birth in October, he's just turned 7 months old and he's great. She's currently going into school sit her GCSEs so I am helping out briefly whilst she revises and goes into school but I've made it clear after this he's all hers as I have other dc to look after and im studying myself and working pt.

Her bf has really grown up in his defence, he turned 16 just before my gs was born and he got a job whilst also sitting his exams and he talks a lot about wanting to be a good role model for grandson.

I made it clear that dd had to be on some form of contraception if she wanted the bf over to help with baby and she agreed to the pill. Rightly or wrongly I allow him to sleep over whenever as its just not worth the fight with dd I check with her she's taken it and she says yes she has. I'm not naive and I know they're having sex so I've also provided condoms. I know this will be judged by some but either way they would and i’d rather avoid a 2nd child.

However, a few days ago she admitted to me her period was late but was adamant she had been taking the pill. It turns out that she had missed quite a few days but they were using condoms (apparently) I told her if she can’t be sensible he can’t stay over at all (id already banned him the night before exams) as she knows how babies are made and she wants to go to college etc, she then twisted my words and said I implied my grandson was a mistake and ruined dd’s life which I didn't say.

Thankfully dd’s period has came and she came to me this evening and asked if he can stay over and she's not pregnant and neither of them have an exam tomorrow, I said no not after how she's spoke to me the past few days and she carried on asking and saying how she has cramps and he's teething and hasn't slept much the past few days not even naps and said he missed his dad (despite seeing him in the day yesterday). I stuck to a firm no as it's my house at the end of the day and she's spoken to me like crap

She then threw a tantrum and called me controlling and said she won't sit the rest of her exams then and stormed off leaving me with a crying screaming baby who won't sleep and while he has calmed down he's not asleep

Dd is ignoring my texts

I'm at my wits end

Your daughter sounds like she is struggling. I understand the baby being hers, and she knew she was pregnant. But that’s really difficult to face up to when you’re young, scared and facing the most terrifying situation of your life. And I say that as someone who was 17, so older than your daughter.

Her behaviour is not great, but I’m really saddened by your attitude to her and the ‘well you got yourself into this situation’ attitude. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I was young. I couldn’t have raised the amazing young man I did without the support of my parents. They found true joy in their relationship with him, and they never treated him as an extension of me, to use to make a point to me about teenage decisions.

Do better. If she feels supported she will step up. If she’s left sleep deprived, studying, hormonal and FIFTEEN, without mum offering even a night every so often for her to get a good sleep then she will make poor decisions and emotionally break. Which it sounds like this is.

@Notatallanamechange she's housing them, providing condoms and looking after the baby so she can study and attend school. She's not exactly unsupportive.

But the OP has been stepping up. If the DD is old enough to have kept her pregnancy secret so she could have the child, she’s old enough to take responsibility for it (and presumably any future offspring).

It’s not on the OP to ‘do better’. Its for her daughter to grow up and understand she has a kid and to look after it, and not get pregnant again until she can support it.

Therapy is necessary also. For you both and now is the time for positive attention, firm boundaries, support but also a hard life lesson for you both. It can get better ❤️

She’s not though. She is a CHILD who didn’t have the support and boundaries she needed in place.

It sounds like she has had positive attention, she has shown she can’t be trusted.

What about the baby's father? Would he step up and be more involved if allowed? Are his parents remotely interested in their grandchild?

I do take care of him whilst dd is revising and when she goes into school but when she finishes school for the summer ive told her I won't do that as I have her 2 siblings to look after and I'm hoping to find at least a part time job at some point after being a carer for so many years and studying.

I will keep an ear out when she has a shower for example and I have had grandson twice for a couple of hours so she and her bf can spend time together just the 2 of them for an evening but I wont be involved in much of the day to day care. But it does feel like it falls to me as I'm the only grandparent involved. Bf’s mum knows but she hasnt met him (her choice), so it's just me.

She needs them now. She needs to take responsibility for her decisions to keep the pregnancy quiet and for not being careful enough to ensure she doesn’t become a mother of 2 by the time she’s 16.

she literally wouldn’t be in this mess if she had. Shit happens and you can’t turn back the clock but she is a child. She was 14 when this happened! 14! Both parents need to take responsibility for her and she needs to take responsibility now for her baby to make sure she doesn’t want to get pregnant again any time soon.

She is a child but it was her choice to go ahead and have the baby. So it needs to be cared for by someone other than the OP

If the DD is old enough to have kept her pregnancy secret so she could have the child, she’s old enough to take responsibility for it

Genuinely one of the most bizarre sentences I've ever read on here. Wasn't she 14? And most likely frightened?

I agree she needs to take responsibility for her own baby ( within reason, clearly she still needs support at that age ) but to pretend a 14 year old is old enough to make rational decisions is daft.

Your post has a certain nasty tone to it tbh,

Op said she has admitted she and the boyfriend aren’t being careful even now so she’s not scared now! I agree she needs support but there is a limit to what the OP can do as she’s the only grandparent involved. And if she has another, what then?

The OP sounds at the end of her tether.

A 14 year old child wouldn’t have been pregnant if everything was functional at home. There are many reasons why she may not have been adequately protected/ parented at the time but none of them are her fault. Children should not be left to their own devices because they make stupid decisions. Often life changing decisions. This is not her fault.

This is a child we're talking about

The DD. She's just a child pregnant at 14 and had a baby at 15. She needs help.

The boyfriend shouldn’t be staying over. She is 15. She needs proper contraceptive advice and parenting.

The OP can’t do it on her own though. I get that it is a shit situation all round

That I totally agree with.

I thought social services would be automatically involved when someone who is themselves a child and so young has a baby.

My tone was unintentionally harsh - I’m ND and sometimes things lack nuance. I apologise.

This is the problem with kids having kids. On the one hand you want them to step up and adult/be parents but on the other you’re setting rules like other teens. Understandable but its no wonder your DD is finding it hard to regulate and negotiate this unchartered territory. They sound like overall they’re doing their best. Of course you don’t want number 2, but think you need to cut her a bit of slack. Too controlling is likely how she feels, give her a chance to live up to her new responsibilities as ultimately that’s best for dgs.

That’s what I was thinking too but in the OP it was written that social services had no concerns. I’m really confused by that. How could there have been no concerns in a situation like this? I thought they’d be monitoring or giving support in some way ir another. Is there a health visitor?
OP, I’m really sympathetic towards you and your family. Has your dd replied to you or come home yet?

You either need to treat her like a 15 year old and do a large part of the parenting of the baby too (which i would personally choose), or treat her like an adult and expect her to parent like an adult.
You cant expect her to act like an adult with responsibilities whilst treating her like a child with rules.

I get that, I'm autistic, face to face I'm somtimes more blunt than I mean to be.

Wow, I'm really appalled that DD's BF's mum hasn't been involved at all. That's utterly disgraceful on her part.

I'd be talking to social services about this entire arrangement ASAP, see if she can get a council flat at 16 and so on. Your daughter still needs a mother but this sounds very stressful for all involved. My heart goes out to you OP.