Dd stormed out leaving me with her baby

[doubleredbull]

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one.

So, at 13 my daughter started a new school, she's summer born and she struggled to make friends due to established friendship groups. When she did make friends it was ones in the wrong crowd. Her older brother was struggling with his MH so perhaps I took some attention away from her but it was a real juggling act

Her behaviour got worse when she got a bf, she was a lovely girl but very naive and easily led, he was 14 at the time (and dd later turned 14) and pretty much left to his own devices as his mum had a new family. DD’s behaviour got worse after this, he seemed to project all of his attitude onto her and she started acting like I was the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me and wasn't a nice person to be around. Grounding did nothing, she'd storm out anyway.

Fast forward to last year just after school finished for the summer holidays, dd and her boyfriend went missing and long story short, I found out dd was pregnant. She knew but didn't tell me because i’d “try and control her” she was 25wks but baby was healthy on scans etc and social services didn't seem to have any concerns.

She turned 15 later in the summer and she gave birth in October, he's just turned 7 months old and he's great. She's currently going into school sit her GCSEs so I am helping out briefly whilst she revises and goes into school but I've made it clear after this he's all hers as I have other dc to look after and im studying myself and working pt.

Her bf has really grown up in his defence, he turned 16 just before my gs was born and he got a job whilst also sitting his exams and he talks a lot about wanting to be a good role model for grandson.

I made it clear that dd had to be on some form of contraception if she wanted the bf over to help with baby and she agreed to the pill. Rightly or wrongly I allow him to sleep over whenever as its just not worth the fight with dd I check with her she's taken it and she says yes she has. I'm not naive and I know they're having sex so I've also provided condoms. I know this will be judged by some but either way they would and i’d rather avoid a 2nd child.

However, a few days ago she admitted to me her period was late but was adamant she had been taking the pill. It turns out that she had missed quite a few days but they were using condoms (apparently) I told her if she can’t be sensible he can’t stay over at all (id already banned him the night before exams) as she knows how babies are made and she wants to go to college etc, she then twisted my words and said I implied my grandson was a mistake and ruined dd’s life which I didn't say.

Thankfully dd’s period has came and she came to me this evening and asked if he can stay over and she's not pregnant and neither of them have an exam tomorrow, I said no not after how she's spoke to me the past few days and she carried on asking and saying how she has cramps and he's teething and hasn't slept much the past few days not even naps and said he missed his dad (despite seeing him in the day yesterday). I stuck to a firm no as it's my house at the end of the day and she's spoken to me like crap

She then threw a tantrum and called me controlling and said she won't sit the rest of her exams then and stormed off leaving me with a crying screaming baby who won't sleep and while he has calmed down he's not asleep

Dd is ignoring my texts

I'm at my wits end

I had my first at 26 and my mum stayed for a month to help with the nights, and then mum and MIL each babysat once a week when I went back to work.

Studying for GCSEs is DD’s equivalent of working. Many grandparents are far more hands on than OP despite the new mum being older and self sufficient.

It’s as if OP is trying to make things as hard as possible for DD so she learns a lesson about teen pregnancy, but in doing so she’s depriving her daughter of the vital support system most new mums have.

IIRC a few years back, there was a campaign to reduce the incidence of schoolgirl mothers. They gave out baby dolls that mimicked what real babies do, screaming uncontrollably squirming etc,to try and put the message out that parenthood isnt a game. Not sure if its still around but might concentrate the minds of teenagers that think babies are toys that can go back into the toybox, ie: the grandparents, when they get fed up with them

This sounds a very difficult situation. I think in your shoes I would be trying to give more support to your DD if there is any way you can. Most adult women would still be on mat leave with a 7 mo baby- your daughter is 15, dealing with exam stress and trying to look after a baby with quite limited support. I don't mean this as a criticism of you- you obviously have a lot on your plate as well- but anything any of you can do to be giving more support would be good. Has anyone actually asked the other grandmother to step up? If she won't give support in person, could she contribute towards some paid help?

Wryly laughing at people calling your DD immature- she's 15! Of course she's immature. It sounds to me as if she needs a lot more help with all of this. Why have you told her that "after this he's all hers"- how on earth can she cope with that as a threat in the middle of her exams.

Agree she needs a more suitable form of contraception.

TBH you sound like a very weak parent watching all this chaos develop around you and not doing enough to stop it. And now you are left holding the baby, literally. For everyone's sake why don't you adopt the baby and leave your DD to live her life. Everyone will be clear where they stand then.

What are you talking about? He is being cared for by his family and there is no abuse involved.

This is not the issue. The issue is teen girls wanting kudos, respect and affection from boys and men; there is constant pressure to be sexually alluring, sexually available and adventurous from a very young age.

When there is a vacuum in a girl's life at puberty (due to lack of parental attention and involvement), the people that are willing and able to get involved in her life are likely to be boys and men that will have sexual expectations of her.

A family vacuum will also be a motivation for a young girl to have a strong urge to create her own family, to actively want to have children herself.

Dear Lord.

OP cannot just “adopt the baby” - the baby’s parents would have to renounce parental rights for this to happen. And there’s no sign that either/both of them want to do this.

Also, as DD is 15, she would be continuing to share a house with her son/brother for some years to come. That’s not a “clear” situation by any means.

It is ridiculous to berate OP and pretend there is a simple solution.

Another way to look at would be that a young, troubled teenager got to 6 months pregnant and her mum, who she was living with, didn't even notice

I know someone who gave birth "not noticing" she was pregnant. Her GP didn't even "notice' she was pregnant when going to her about her swollen ankles. She put it down to the heatwave at the time.

Surprise birth indeed! It can happen.

I feel there’s Loads of good advice here - and it’s not clear cut. I do feel she needs to understand that social services could be involved here.

One point I’d make is that a/ no one is rational when they’ve had very little sleep and b/ teens by their very nature aren’t very rational.

That doesn’t mean boundaries and serious discussions can’t happen, but high emotionals due to lack of sleep inhibit rational discussions.

It sounds like one if the reasons she wanted him to stay over was to help with the nights- which any new mother desperately needs in any circumstance. Under normal circumstances a mother of a 7 mo old wouldn’t be taking exams.

He’s a very lucky little boy to have you, definitely.

I just can’t believe the amount of people suggesting the child should be put up for adoption.

Children in the adoption system are not put there casually because a 15 year old had a tantrum and walked out. I think even the adoption service would prefer other solutions in this case. The child is not in danger. His mum will grow up eventually with support from her mother, if OP is up to it.

OP hasn’t come back yet, she is looking after her DC, her DGS and hopefully DD has come back.

If OP says she is not doing this, if her DD says she is not going to bring up her DS then the care sector has to be contacted.

Despite DD being 15, OP and DD will make the decision about whether her DS goes into care or not unless it is ruled by the authorities that the decision is not in their hands.

Come on PPs, nothing indicates this child
is in danger. The family of this little boy has a duty to bring him up.

Are there any other adults in her life who can help, either to reinforce boundaries or just take some of the pressure off you?

Her dad, aunt, grandparent?

If only it was that simple. I’m in my 30s and married with two young children, have been able to afford all sorts of sleep aids and sleep consultants and they were awful sleepers, and still wake up at night.

People need to be realistic that some babies are bad sleepers rather than assume the parent isn’t doing anything enough. It was hard on me being judged on it as a grown up, imagine how hard it is as a teenager.

It all sounds incredibly stressful. The baby may be picking up on everyone around him being under stress. I'd try to persuade your DD onto implant contraception as it's safer and she can't forget to take it. Encourage the baby Dad to step up as he sounds a bit more mature than your DD. Personally I'd hold the fort until end of exam period as only 2-3 more weeks then sit down with your DD and baby Dad and discuss what happens next.

I am a grandmother and I am integral in my DGCs lives and I have been since day 1. Parents of all ages need support because being a parent is difficult despite your age.

We have all been through the knocks life lands on us but those of us that are still together despite the hard times will keep looking out for and after each other. I hope OP and her family can do this.

Im going to stick up for her a bit here she's a teenager, she's doing her exams, she's on her period and also probably got some pnd (really common in teens) maybe some other mh issues going on. Yes she walked out and left you with the baby but she knows he's safe with you and more safe with you then with her at least until she calms down. I know its frustrating she sounds like my daughter and also how I was as a teen I had my first baby at 15. My daughter really struggles to control her emotions and her temper. I would give her time to calm down, talk to her about more long term birth control options when she's in a better headspace. If she listens to her boyfriend more then you talk to them together about the plan for the future and birth control.

She's a kid. She needs you to be 'controlling' quite frankly - it's called setting boundaries. She crossed them before and has a child, has since shown she can't take the pill properly...she thinks she's mature but shows she's not.

No negative judgement on her from me. Unplanned pregnancy happens. Teen stroppiness happens. One day she's going to realise just how much you've been on her side.

I do feel for you, OP. It sounds like you're all having a very trying time!

I don't agree with the other posters telling you to either call or threaten to call social services. It's a can of worms that is hard to close and I don't think it's what any of you actually want long term.

As hard as it may be to hear this, you are the most responsible adult in the room right now. With the best will in the world, your daughter is still very young despite doing a very adult thing and needs as much help and support as you can give her.

I know the baby is teething and sleeping poorly - are you burned out? Do you need a break from caring for the baby?

I think establishing a set routine with your daughter and her boyfriend will help manage everyone's expectations. It could look like you doing an overnight exclusively and DD doing the rest, or more overnights from you while she sits exams.

Don't worry about her accusations towards you - she has no worldly experience so of course you're controlling to a teenager! But involving her in a plan may help her feel more involved in decision making with her son.

You can do this, OP. You did it before with your own, you can do it temporarily with your daughter for your grandson.

They don't call us mums superheroes for nothing!

I'm not sure if I'm a lone voice as I haven't read everyone's responses, but it sounds like you're all doing really well here in very diffuclt circumstances. It's actually pretty amazing that she has taken as much responsibility as she has - she's doing exams, she's looking after her ds alone for much of the time, she probably has very little social life when it's a time that all of her friends will be out etc. That's a pretty tall order for anyone! Preventing another pregnancy is definitely key and if she isn't able to remember taking the pill every day - and she'll be exhausted so no wonder - then can she have the contraceptive injection instead? Or similar options.

It's a shame that she's walked out but if this is the first time then I'd excuse it. She needs some release and walking out into the night isn't the worst thing when she knows you are there to look after her ds. You will need to have the patience of a saint but she is likely stressed and hormonal. If she is inconsistently taking birth control pills then that will be causing issues too.

I am sorry @doubleredbull l can see why your username is this too !
What a mess . I think you are the parent/grandparent and you have to be consistent and firm . It's not fair on you or your other children to be put in this situation. Have you thought for your daughter and grandson to go into a fostering unit where there are people fully trained to support children like your daughter and grandchild . Just an idea .

Going through GCSEs is hard for any child. A child having to solo parent a baby who isn't sleeping well and deal with friction with her mother would push most to the edge. She is still a child and you are her parent, show her some grace and support her to get through her GCSEs. The only reason social services weren't concerned would be because she was living with you,the expectation will be that you are heavily supporting the care of the baby. They don't expect children to raise children. Could you not have offered support over night if you are not allowing her boyfriend to stay over and support her.

True but then DD needs to take responsibility for herself. If she refuses to use long term contraception and she and her boyfriend can’t use condoms responsibly then she has to understand the consequences of a second pregnancy.

Cool story but that's not what happened here. The teenager knew she was pregnant so there's no reason to conclude that there were no signs.

I was responding to a poster saying that OP should cut her slack because she needs to be taught how to get the baby into a routine

Eh? The teenager knew she was pregnant presumably because she took a test and her periods stopped. Doesn’t mean her body changes were very visible.

Haven't read all the replies so this might have already been covered. And I hope the OP returns.

Have you actually sat down with her as your daughter who is still a child and listened to her?

There is a lot of conflict and understandably so. She feels you think her child was a mistake and has ruined her life - theres a lot of shame being communicated in that. I mean, I don't think anyone would think that getting pregnant at 14 is the best life plan! But does she sometimes also feel that way? Quite possibly. Then she will also have the shame of feeling that about her own child, like any mother would.

She's fighting to be seen as an adult; she's a parent; she wants to be respected and she's fighting for it rather than earning it because she doesn't know how; she's got her GCSEs which is a very stressful time without a baby to consider! She wants to go to college so seems to have a plan but she'll be doing it with a baby. She'll be worried about her results being good enough. Like all kids.

It's a very stressful time for her and she's probably worried about the future in many ways.

You're desperate to ensure there's not another baby (completely underatandably), she perceives that as a criticism and lack of trust/faith in her. And, to a degree it is because she got pregnant at 14 and ran away to hide it from you. She talks about you wanting to control her. She's feeling trapped from all angles.

In my experience, she's angry because she's scared and feels shame; she's lashing out because she's angry and feels your shame; she's threatening not to take her GCSEs as a way of regaining some control over her life and communicating her feelings in the only way she knows how to right now; she feels she has no control over her life because she's 15, has a baby, she resents her mum for putting boundaries in place because she feels trapped.

And you are also angry because you are scared. You're scared for the some of the same reasons she is and also your own reasons.

There's a lot of talk on here about setting and reinforcing boundaries but it isn't going to work in a high conflict situation without the emotional groundwork being laid.

If I were the OP (and whilst I haven't been in her position, I have have brought up two adults who both went through their own emotionally difficult stages!) I would find a time when things are calm and develop a space for emotional vulnerability to be shared on both sides without raised voices, threat or recrimination.

Maybe opening the conversation by talking about how lovely her son is and how proud you are of her for [specific things she's doing well] would work. Acknowledge it must be hard for her - it's hard for all new mums. Tell her you're proud of her for working so hard for her GCSEs. Don't even mention the boyfriend. Keep it positive.

At 15, its unlikely she's got lots of other new mums to share her concerns and fears with. I'd be sharing some of the things I was concerned about as a new mum. Keep some of it light hearted and the things you can laugh about now. Make it a shared experience. Love her. Keep a space for her to talk and share where there is no shame.

Shame is a very destructive emotion.

I completely disagree with posters who suggest coming down hard on her with discipline and boundaries and all the nonsense of contacting social services.

It won't be easy because she's quite far down this road now but she doesn't want to be on it. Not really. She just doesn't know how to get back.