Dd stormed out leaving me with her baby

[doubleredbull]

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one.

So, at 13 my daughter started a new school, she's summer born and she struggled to make friends due to established friendship groups. When she did make friends it was ones in the wrong crowd. Her older brother was struggling with his MH so perhaps I took some attention away from her but it was a real juggling act

Her behaviour got worse when she got a bf, she was a lovely girl but very naive and easily led, he was 14 at the time (and dd later turned 14) and pretty much left to his own devices as his mum had a new family. DD’s behaviour got worse after this, he seemed to project all of his attitude onto her and she started acting like I was the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me and wasn't a nice person to be around. Grounding did nothing, she'd storm out anyway.

Fast forward to last year just after school finished for the summer holidays, dd and her boyfriend went missing and long story short, I found out dd was pregnant. She knew but didn't tell me because i’d “try and control her” she was 25wks but baby was healthy on scans etc and social services didn't seem to have any concerns.

She turned 15 later in the summer and she gave birth in October, he's just turned 7 months old and he's great. She's currently going into school sit her GCSEs so I am helping out briefly whilst she revises and goes into school but I've made it clear after this he's all hers as I have other dc to look after and im studying myself and working pt.

Her bf has really grown up in his defence, he turned 16 just before my gs was born and he got a job whilst also sitting his exams and he talks a lot about wanting to be a good role model for grandson.

I made it clear that dd had to be on some form of contraception if she wanted the bf over to help with baby and she agreed to the pill. Rightly or wrongly I allow him to sleep over whenever as its just not worth the fight with dd I check with her she's taken it and she says yes she has. I'm not naive and I know they're having sex so I've also provided condoms. I know this will be judged by some but either way they would and i’d rather avoid a 2nd child.

However, a few days ago she admitted to me her period was late but was adamant she had been taking the pill. It turns out that she had missed quite a few days but they were using condoms (apparently) I told her if she can’t be sensible he can’t stay over at all (id already banned him the night before exams) as she knows how babies are made and she wants to go to college etc, she then twisted my words and said I implied my grandson was a mistake and ruined dd’s life which I didn't say.

Thankfully dd’s period has came and she came to me this evening and asked if he can stay over and she's not pregnant and neither of them have an exam tomorrow, I said no not after how she's spoke to me the past few days and she carried on asking and saying how she has cramps and he's teething and hasn't slept much the past few days not even naps and said he missed his dad (despite seeing him in the day yesterday). I stuck to a firm no as it's my house at the end of the day and she's spoken to me like crap

She then threw a tantrum and called me controlling and said she won't sit the rest of her exams then and stormed off leaving me with a crying screaming baby who won't sleep and while he has calmed down he's not asleep

Dd is ignoring my texts

I'm at my wits end

The days when teenage mums could walk into a council flat are long gone, she would not be a priority because of her age but having a child would push her up the list.

Waiting times vary enormously depending on where you live. In London it can be 10 years, and since a lot of the country is experiencing a housing emergency, waits can be long in other places.

Old enough to get pregnant so now treat her like that adult she wants to be. Encourage her to get the implant. That way she doesn't need to remember a pill each day. Even grown women can forget or skip them if life is busy.

Sit down together and discuss priorities for everyone when everyone is calm. Hope it all gets easier for you all.

Tbf you didn't upset me, it definetly irked me but I'm not upset about it. I feel bad at the thought of a young girl struggling and someone offering no support just enjoying watching them struggle. Its just nasty. My mum provided us with a nice home and nice things. We didn't want for anything financially or materially.

The lack of emotional support took a huge toll on my mum, one I didn't recognise until I had my own children and little support.

If someone isnt shown what love and support is and its engrained in them deep enough that they cant rely on anyone, their living in survival mode and it just causes all sorts of problems further down the line. Who would want that for anyone?

• I'm auhd too, I still know when to give empathy and when to reel in on the rigid thinking. You were told upthread that you were being rude and unkind and you still didn't stop. Please don't use AUHD as a reason for being rude and nasty, it's really offensive

I still think they do pretty well. A lot of the pressure on housing is for family homes, where people stay put for decades. One or 2 bedroom flats are a different matter. There is a small block of council one bedroom flats near me (London borough) and they seem to have a high turnover.

In my (London) borough and the ones around it, 1 or 2 bedroom flats are the permanent family homes where families stay for decades, and turnover is low.

The living room is generally expected to be used as a 2nd or 3rd bedroom.
As long as the space is within minimums, and the gender age composition works, 4-5 in a bed, and 6-7 in a 2 bed, isn't overcrowded in rehousing terms.

Someone giving their opinion that I was rude doesn’t mean I have to justify myself.

Your comments about your situation prompted me to think twice and apologise to you (twice as the other poster decided to pick up on my wording).

However It’s also offensive to assume that I am using being AuDHD as an ‘excuse’ just because your presentation of it differs from mine. Surely as a fellow ND person you would understand more than most that nobody presents the same?

I hope you will pick up the rest of the posters on the thread who have shown little compassion? The one that wrote the situation off and said she shouldn’t bother getting an education? The ones suggesting the child is taken away and for it to be put up for adoption?

Compassion is not an all-encompassing thing. It’s possible to feel it for some situations and not for others.

Agree.
However, if @doubleredbull is able to get DD et al to 16 in one piece, she will be classed as a Young Person rather than a child, as the child's father now is.

They can go onto the housing list in many (not all) areas, and will be classed as a priority need along with all other family units in need of housing.

If they can hold their relationship together, there are organizations specifically operating semi supported semi independent living for YP's (16-18 +) with children.
The same can be done as a single YP mother and baby. (not including assessment placements here)
There are many more placements available for these than for YP couples.

It doesn't alter priority banding on the main list, but as under 18s, either an adult, or organization such as council or HA has to hold their tenancy in trust for them.

If they as a couple can get into one of the YP units, and do OK there, they can then bid for housing from a place of stability and with support, or SS may use a different route to get them housed when they're 18.

If DD gets into a mother and baby provision, generally IME SS organize a different route from the bidding process.

That’s very interesting, thank you, @Elleherd