Dd stormed out leaving me with her baby

[doubleredbull]

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one.

So, at 13 my daughter started a new school, she's summer born and she struggled to make friends due to established friendship groups. When she did make friends it was ones in the wrong crowd. Her older brother was struggling with his MH so perhaps I took some attention away from her but it was a real juggling act

Her behaviour got worse when she got a bf, she was a lovely girl but very naive and easily led, he was 14 at the time (and dd later turned 14) and pretty much left to his own devices as his mum had a new family. DD’s behaviour got worse after this, he seemed to project all of his attitude onto her and she started acting like I was the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me and wasn't a nice person to be around. Grounding did nothing, she'd storm out anyway.

Fast forward to last year just after school finished for the summer holidays, dd and her boyfriend went missing and long story short, I found out dd was pregnant. She knew but didn't tell me because i’d “try and control her” she was 25wks but baby was healthy on scans etc and social services didn't seem to have any concerns.

She turned 15 later in the summer and she gave birth in October, he's just turned 7 months old and he's great. She's currently going into school sit her GCSEs so I am helping out briefly whilst she revises and goes into school but I've made it clear after this he's all hers as I have other dc to look after and im studying myself and working pt.

Her bf has really grown up in his defence, he turned 16 just before my gs was born and he got a job whilst also sitting his exams and he talks a lot about wanting to be a good role model for grandson.

I made it clear that dd had to be on some form of contraception if she wanted the bf over to help with baby and she agreed to the pill. Rightly or wrongly I allow him to sleep over whenever as its just not worth the fight with dd I check with her she's taken it and she says yes she has. I'm not naive and I know they're having sex so I've also provided condoms. I know this will be judged by some but either way they would and i’d rather avoid a 2nd child.

However, a few days ago she admitted to me her period was late but was adamant she had been taking the pill. It turns out that she had missed quite a few days but they were using condoms (apparently) I told her if she can’t be sensible he can’t stay over at all (id already banned him the night before exams) as she knows how babies are made and she wants to go to college etc, she then twisted my words and said I implied my grandson was a mistake and ruined dd’s life which I didn't say.

Thankfully dd’s period has came and she came to me this evening and asked if he can stay over and she's not pregnant and neither of them have an exam tomorrow, I said no not after how she's spoke to me the past few days and she carried on asking and saying how she has cramps and he's teething and hasn't slept much the past few days not even naps and said he missed his dad (despite seeing him in the day yesterday). I stuck to a firm no as it's my house at the end of the day and she's spoken to me like crap

She then threw a tantrum and called me controlling and said she won't sit the rest of her exams then and stormed off leaving me with a crying screaming baby who won't sleep and while he has calmed down he's not asleep

Dd is ignoring my texts

I'm at my wits end

I am surprised SS aren't involved both parents being very young.
I would call them and ask them to step up and do their job.

Yes this. Although I think OP has been carer for her other young children by the sounds of it, so it won't be as cut and dry as being able to take care of the baby more. What a stressful situation for everyone involved

I could be wrong, but I suspect the teen parent still living with her mother / receiving a lot of support will be the main reason social are not overly concerned

Then it's time to call them and get them engaged.

Quite - it's pretty clear there were essentially no boundaries in place previously.

Wow so many really harsh comments at the OPs daughter. It’s almost like most posters on here want her to fail! Horrid!
@doubleredbullI think you need to need to take a step back. It actually sounds like your DD has stepped up and is doing her best to parent her son. Of course there have been bumps in the road - there always will be. It sounds like tempers have flared and she’s overwhelmed. If your grandson has been unwell and teething then she’s going to be tired and not at her best. Add in exam pressure too and it’s hardly surprising she’s had a blow up.
Take a step back and pick your battles. What’s most important here? I’d be talking to her about getting either an implant or the injection to prevent a pregnancy or scare. I wouldn’t prevent her boyfriend from staying over especially if he is stepping up and helping her. It’s putting her under increasing pressure to stop him staying over and helping her when the baby is out of routine and she has exams. If you really don’t want him staying then a compromise might be you helping her out at night during her exams. Ultimately her doing well in her exams is really important here.
No it’s not ideal. None of it is ideal. But you are where you are. And the best thing for all concerned is your daughter and her boyfriend doing well in their exams and becoming the best parents they can be.

OP, I don’t have any advice really but I’m sorry you asked for help & have got people suggesting putting the child up for adoption, calling social services on your own child as if she is a stranger. The forced contraception 🤮

my god sometimes I feel people say these things because they can & not because its reflective of real life

from what i remember of the op she hasn't been the most supportive of her DD she had a stomach bug when her daughter gave birth so wasn't there for her then.

a longer term contraceptuon solution seems urgent.

It sounds an incredibly difficult situation

Ok so I was a teen mum under 16. The reason social services wouldn’t be involved is because she is living at home with a parent and guardian. Whether you like it or not you are the responsible adult. She is still a child. If things are not working their is options including given up responsibility for the baby and therefor DD. This is what happened to me and we were placed in a foster home together. My mum is. It the worse mum in the world - she loved and still does love us and helps me in many ways but she could not take the role of a full time carer of a baby at the time and realistically I was still a child despite having a baby.
12 years down the line and I am doing well for my self. Own my own home, have a good career and raise my children Including DD well.

It’s interesting isn’t it that we expect children as young as eleven to be tried as adults and held responsible if they commit a crime, on the basis that they knew what they were doing.

And yet a 14 year old gets pregnant and knowingly keeps that information a secret, has no remorse to the extent she still isn’t using contraception, and we must be compassionate because “she’s a child.”

You can’t have it both ways.

If eleven year olds are responsible for criminal behaviour then.a 14 year old is responsible if she knowingly has a baby.

And if she’s not then yes. The baby should be placed for adoption.

This isn’t about the DD at this stage. That ship sailed the moment she concealed a pregnancy long enough to go through with it.

At this point the only consideration is the innocent baby who didn’t ask to be born into this disfunction.

We need to stop normalising 14 year olds becoming pregnant and becoming mothers.

If she’s too young to be legally having sex then she’s too young to keep a baby.

Yes but the law follows the same suit
a 11 year old can be charged for criminal behaviour but an 11 year old can’t live on their own or care for a baby independently.

I think there is a difference between being able to fully look after your self and a a baby than knowing whether murder is wrong or right.

I think this advice is spot on, OP.

The lines are too blurry and confusing at the moment.

I think the daughter is between a rock and a hard place, and is reacting to a difficult situation like a child would.

She is being treated like a child to the extent that the adults in her life want her to live at home and finish her GCSEs and do not allow baby’s dad to help with nights/ share the load. But being treated like an adult to the extent that she does not get much help with baby and is expected to take near full responsibility for baby.

Either you let her move out somewhere with her boyfriend (which may mean she does not complete her GCSEs), or you accept that for the next few years, she is a child with a child and so cannot take full responsibility yet. You help your daughter set herself up for the best possible future despite the circumstances, and act as a quasi parent for the timebeing. The middle ground is not working. If you are adamant boyfriend can’t stay round then you need to help DD with the night shift.

Your little girl got pregnant on your watch, so while she needs to accept responsibility, OP does also as DD is still her child. The whole, she has other children to think of, must be very hard for DD to hear.

This and the fact the BF is a sililar age.

I don’t have advice for you. Sorry. I just wanted to respond to the posters who are blaming you and your lack of boundaries. I think they are incredibly blinkered.

These things can happen in any family; loving nurturing families, solvent families that cover every opportunity and most of what their children want, families who live in safe pleasant neighbourhoods with good schools. Even the most affluent families who can buy the very best of everything for their children. Families with the most stringent boundaries. Any parent can find themselves where you are.

No matter what parents do there is always a chance that their children might take a wrong path, an unfortunate path. That is the risk that comes with allowing them the increasing independence they need to develop into adults.

Just ignore the posters who criticise. I’m sure you will get a lot of good advice from mums who actually know from experience what they are talking about

a 14 year old gets pregnant and knowingly keeps that information a secret

Another way to look at would be that a young, troubled teenager got to 6 months pregnant and her mum, who she was living with, didn't even notice. I think there's joint responsibility here and nothing to be gained by pointing fingers. It's more important that they work together to figure out how best to deal with it.

Well said. There have been some very judgemental women on here who really don't seem to have a clue about life - they might be in for a shock themselves some time in the future. Anyone who thinks that bringing up children well and having boundaries means a child will never go off the rails is living in cloud cuckoo land.

It sounds like your DD is exhausted and feeling under pressure and wanted some support from her boyfriend, which she couldn't get if you banned him from staying over. Parenting is hard enough for adult women with partners so it will be even more so for her.

Does the bf ever take the baby to give her a break?

Hopefully she will calm down overnight and you will be able to talk about exams calmly and rationally, maybe even talk to the bf who can talk to her.

My sister was a 15 year old mum and by 17 a mum of two (she was in foster care). She had a lot of support from foster carers, the paternal grandparents and me and still struggled. It took a couple of years to calm down, but now has a degree, good job and wonderful young adult children.

I agree this has become a crisis situation and she needs some long acting contraception and maybe to look into alternative living arrangements once she is 16.

Who is we? The law? And, it's two completely different circumstances. I don't even see how they compare, how could murdering someone, hold the same responsibility as having sex and ending up pregnant? Regardless of age?

There will be people out there who feel compassion for a child murderer and a child parent. It's not one or the other.

We need to stop normalising 14 year olds becoming pregnant and becoming mothers

Whose normalising 14 year olds becoming pregnant?

This isn’t about the DD at this stage. That ship sailed the moment she concealed a pregnancy long enough to go through with it

If my DD ever ended up pregnant as a teen, I would hope that she would feel comfortable and safe enough with me that she could come to me for support, not hide it for 6 months. The fact the teen mum concealed her pregnancy for so long and it wasn't noticed, speaks absolute volumes about the family dynamic.

Lots of blame on a child with poor impulse control here. 14 is very young

I had a baby at 16 (he is 31 now!) and my mum insisted (well greatly encouraged) I went on depo injection. My parents were a big help, they had him in their room twice a week when he was a young baby so I could recover and get some sleep (difficult birth), and also babysat twice a week so I could go out with friends and still be a teenager. The father was long gone, but no way would they have allowed him to stay over. I’d be telling her no sleepovers if she is not taking her pill, and be encouraging her to look at implants etc, as she clearly can’t remember to take the pill. Are they really using condoms? Maybe just saying that. Personally I would not be allowing a boy to stay over when she is under 16, baby or no baby. She is going to be pregnant again soon by the sounds of it.

I’d be having a serious chat when she returns, storm off if you want, but take your baby with you.

Sounds like babies mum is doing most of the parening if you need the posts. Not sure where you get that she can’t look after him. Mum hasn’t helped with any overnights and doesn’t babysit regularly, only is for exams. Why would you think a life in the care system is better than a young mum who although still immature, is doing a decent job of raising him.

Ah, it’s the same poster. I remember that post, as it was pretty shocking.

My heart aches for the daughter here.

DD is expected to study for and take exams, raise a baby with minimal help, manage an ‘adult’ relationship, all while living with her mother and siblings. She has the responsibilities and stresses of an adult but seems to be treated like a naughty child. I can see why this comes out as frustration.

I wonder what would happen if OP took a different approach and built her daughter a support network. If this was my child I would offer one day a week child care, even if it broke me, to make sure she had time to look after herself, study, see friends and be a 15/16 year old. I would allow the boyfriend to stay as long as he was doing 50/50 childcare, was treating them well and the contraception was sorted. I would spend time as a whole family to model healthy relationships and parenting. I don’t think she can be expected to mature properly under these circumstances, it seems like she needs support more than anything.

I’m not saying OP’s life is being made easy here and DD has clearly made bad choices but the whole situation seems so sad.

You need to change her contraception.......absolutely ridiculous to put an irresponsible teenager who already has one baby on the pill. She needs to be on the coil, implant or injection. Something in situ so she can't 'forget' to take it.