Dd stormed out leaving me with her baby

[doubleredbull]

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one.

So, at 13 my daughter started a new school, she's summer born and she struggled to make friends due to established friendship groups. When she did make friends it was ones in the wrong crowd. Her older brother was struggling with his MH so perhaps I took some attention away from her but it was a real juggling act

Her behaviour got worse when she got a bf, she was a lovely girl but very naive and easily led, he was 14 at the time (and dd later turned 14) and pretty much left to his own devices as his mum had a new family. DD’s behaviour got worse after this, he seemed to project all of his attitude onto her and she started acting like I was the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me and wasn't a nice person to be around. Grounding did nothing, she'd storm out anyway.

Fast forward to last year just after school finished for the summer holidays, dd and her boyfriend went missing and long story short, I found out dd was pregnant. She knew but didn't tell me because i’d “try and control her” she was 25wks but baby was healthy on scans etc and social services didn't seem to have any concerns.

She turned 15 later in the summer and she gave birth in October, he's just turned 7 months old and he's great. She's currently going into school sit her GCSEs so I am helping out briefly whilst she revises and goes into school but I've made it clear after this he's all hers as I have other dc to look after and im studying myself and working pt.

Her bf has really grown up in his defence, he turned 16 just before my gs was born and he got a job whilst also sitting his exams and he talks a lot about wanting to be a good role model for grandson.

I made it clear that dd had to be on some form of contraception if she wanted the bf over to help with baby and she agreed to the pill. Rightly or wrongly I allow him to sleep over whenever as its just not worth the fight with dd I check with her she's taken it and she says yes she has. I'm not naive and I know they're having sex so I've also provided condoms. I know this will be judged by some but either way they would and i’d rather avoid a 2nd child.

However, a few days ago she admitted to me her period was late but was adamant she had been taking the pill. It turns out that she had missed quite a few days but they were using condoms (apparently) I told her if she can’t be sensible he can’t stay over at all (id already banned him the night before exams) as she knows how babies are made and she wants to go to college etc, she then twisted my words and said I implied my grandson was a mistake and ruined dd’s life which I didn't say.

Thankfully dd’s period has came and she came to me this evening and asked if he can stay over and she's not pregnant and neither of them have an exam tomorrow, I said no not after how she's spoke to me the past few days and she carried on asking and saying how she has cramps and he's teething and hasn't slept much the past few days not even naps and said he missed his dad (despite seeing him in the day yesterday). I stuck to a firm no as it's my house at the end of the day and she's spoken to me like crap

She then threw a tantrum and called me controlling and said she won't sit the rest of her exams then and stormed off leaving me with a crying screaming baby who won't sleep and while he has calmed down he's not asleep

Dd is ignoring my texts

I'm at my wits end

Well said! “I’m done”.

Is this the state parenting in the UK. Thankfully not.

No child stands a chance of there is an “I’m done” option.

In no way is OP doing that - she’s stated, in the post that you quoted no less, that “he's just turned 7 months old and he's great”

Or maybe it shouldn’t be on women who have brought up/are bringing up their families to have to continue ignoring their own wants and needs to bring up their grandchildren.

Sorry if this offends anyone, but if she’s spending all her time revising and looking after the baby and she’s so exhausted, why is she having unprotected sex?

Is she likely to go through with it if she gets pregnant?

I appreciate that this is a really difficult situation.

but I don’t think you’ve set clear and logical boundaries and that’s probably what has made her so upset.

she and her boyfriend have a child to look after together. Having the dad to stay over shouldn’t be a ‘treat’ to be withdrawn if you don’t like the way she’s spoken to you.

In DD's words, she isn't having unprotected sex, as they are using condoms when she forgets the Pill. So she and her BF are having sex.

Would you question 30 year olds having sex when their baby was teething and sleeping badly, if they both had professional exams going on?

I have my own business, I have an adult DD and 2 DGC who I am devoted to. I have a husband that has health issues, I have a DM with dementia and also an extended family which I am involved with but leave on the whole
to get on with it, because it’s their lives not mine, but will assist if I can.

I have not put my life on hold. Ok, I can’t go off
to a Buddhist retreat or write my great novel yet. But I have travelled, I have studied, I have been employed, I have been at the birth of both DGC and am a brilliant role model to them both. I pay for their private school education and was not born into wealth and have never inherited a thing.

The world is a hard place, women don’t get
the best deal, but I am going to live life to the full,
looking after as many family members as
I can and helping them up the ladder be they
female or male.

She thought she was pregnant. Given that she is prepared to run away until her pregnancy gets too late to terminate, what’s to stop her doing it again?

If they weren’t able to look after themselves and the kid (including financially) and were relying on the state others to feed, clothe and house their child, then yes I would.

I am guessing that nobody in the household works enough to support themselves. So it’s just adding to the problems

She thought she was pregnant.

I am not sure how many times I can say this, but her period was late. For any sexually active person, the reason for this might be pregnancy, even if you never miss a Pill. For someone who has already had an unplanned pregnancy, of course this will be a worry. It doesn’t mean that they didn’t use a condom.

Because she's having sex and comfort, and intimacy with someone who doesn't treat her to be a problem that needs solving, when it's in front of her on offer, with a young man she likes who's the father of her child, who she probably really wants to keep interested in being part of a family unit.

Theoretically at least, she isn't having unprotected intercourse, but either way she's likely only considering any possible results only when that's in front of her.

I'd add that when your life is supposedly already 'ruined' and you're already judged to high heaven, then additional ruination, doesn't really feel like it will make that much odds.

Erm.. well done I guess? Not sure of the relevance but okay.::

You have just said you haven’t missed out on anything as a result.

Op is still raising children yet posters are having a go at her because she won’t take on more care for the baby to spare her DD even though she had nothing to do with its conception or the continuation of the pregnancy.

At what point does she get to have any life?

But it is a problem because she stormed out and left the kid for its grandmother to deal with. Of course she’s immature but she needs to grow up quickly as she doesn’t have the luxury of teen tantrums now she has a kid of her own.

Wrong! OP says she is studying and working part time.

I imagine she ran away because she was terrified, and not mentally able to cope. She was a pregnant child, I doubt she was thinking rationally. She needs a lot of support as she is still a child with a lot more on her plate than many adults can cope with. It is grossly unfair to prioritise your other children over her, and probably why she has ended up in this situation

OP had given no info about her husband -so assume there isn’t one.
Utterly depressing that chaotic families like these are having endless kids they take no responsibility for.

It is relevant because you seem to relate the role
women provide in the family solely as a sacrifice. As them putting their lives on hold. That is your perspective, it certainly isn’t every woman’s experience.

OP, is by the looks of things from your perspective a victim of your world view. But she is studying, so there is hope.

Start looking beyond your anarchic tinted glasses and maybe look up some positive,
successful women, whose lives are not on hold.

And two 15yo kids are earning enough to support their little family? That would be impressive.

The OP says she wants to go back to work so presumably she’s not well off either.

If they are old to be parents then they should be old enough to prevent bringing another kid into it by both using contraceptives at all times

It’s not my experience either. You are making up an awful lot from a short post. And being rather patronising. FWIW all the women in my life are positive and successful.

Some women may be happy devoting their lives to the care of others but most women before/after/instead of having children deserve some time where they aren’t running round after others and putting their own wants on hold.

Yet people are advocating for the OP to ignore her future plans and care for this child

what your daughter is labeling controlling is just parenting. She needs firm boundaries and rules. She isn’t a child that can handle free range parenting.

If she cant take birth control reliably, her choices should be a long term method or taking her pill in front of you every day.

Since her boyfriend staying over is not just about parenting his child and he is distracting from revising and sleep, he never needs to stay. Not some nights are ok, never. He can visit his child during the day.

She can't easily grow up quickly when she isn't treated consistently as adult, and while Op is understandably close to the end of her tether, the DD does have that luxury, and she knows it.
Op is well meaningly enough trying to do what she thinks is the right things for her DD, but is promoting a position that doesn't enforce a swift transition to adulthood.
TBH the only things that truly do, aren't great, but the half way measures only work when there's a parent in a position to do a great deal more than Op probably can.

I never left my babies with anyone ever, because there wasn't anyone I could trust to look after them and get them back in one piece garunteed unharmed.
I might have been a very different underage parent if there was someone safe and trustworthy, who fundamentally loved me or cared, in my life.

A 30 plus friend of mine, once 'popped out to the shop' leaving me in her home with my children and her young DD and severely autistic younger brother.
She didn't come back for 18hours, leaving me beside myself with fear at what might have happened, and trying to work out what I ought or ought not to do.

She didn't really have the 'luxury ' of that either, but it happened.
She was either lucky, or you could say she chose her forced babysitter well.
She wasn't repentant and said she wanted me to know how hard her life was, while fussing over her returned to children.

She got a few pieces of my mind, but I didn't report her behavior. It wasn't going to help things, and I didn't think she'd have done it if she hadn't been sure I'd look after them and make sure they weren't aware or afraid.

That is disgusting behaviour. I would have phoned the police to report children being left alone and then gone home, and let her deal with the fallout.

Most posters seem to expect the OP to take over so she can do her exams etc. That is fine but how is she going to work, going forward? Or does she think that the kid won’t impact her future prospects?

Whilst she is very young, she made an adult decision to continue with the pregnancy and be a mother. Therefore she has to deal with that.

Zero boundaries.

Politely to you, she needs to grow the f-up. She decided to have unprotected sex & have a baby - she needs to deal with the baby in all its entirety. 15 or not, you dont get to be a part time mum. Sounds like she is expecting you to be the doormat whenever she has a strop if thjngs dont go her way (ie boyfriend isnt allowed to stay over) you're doing a lot for her. Maybe a proper sit down chat while all is calm to explain boundaries & expectations while she lives at home with her baby. The minute she decided to have a baby, she became an adult mother.

She is still child. If her boyfriend had been 18 when she got pregnant, it would have been rape since it could not be consensual due to the daughters age. We recognise that a 14 year old’s brain is not developed enough to make certain choices and bear certain responsibilities.

Why should the expectation suddenly change just because there is a baby in the mix?

DH and I have been through a sort of similar situation and yes, you do have to contact social services even you have no intention of letting the baby go into foster care but are prepared to help raise the baby because otherwise SS will claim it's a private arrangement and leave you to struggle, as they have done to us the past 9 years with the youngest 2 of the 3 siblings we are raising (eldest from birth after BM walked out and younger 2 when they were 3 & 4 after she asked for our help for "only 6 months")
So trust me - call social services because the first thing they'll ask is will GM be prepared to take care of baby or is there another family member who will step up whilst they sort out support and help.