Dd stormed out leaving me with her baby

[doubleredbull]

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one.

So, at 13 my daughter started a new school, she's summer born and she struggled to make friends due to established friendship groups. When she did make friends it was ones in the wrong crowd. Her older brother was struggling with his MH so perhaps I took some attention away from her but it was a real juggling act

Her behaviour got worse when she got a bf, she was a lovely girl but very naive and easily led, he was 14 at the time (and dd later turned 14) and pretty much left to his own devices as his mum had a new family. DD’s behaviour got worse after this, he seemed to project all of his attitude onto her and she started acting like I was the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me and wasn't a nice person to be around. Grounding did nothing, she'd storm out anyway.

Fast forward to last year just after school finished for the summer holidays, dd and her boyfriend went missing and long story short, I found out dd was pregnant. She knew but didn't tell me because i’d “try and control her” she was 25wks but baby was healthy on scans etc and social services didn't seem to have any concerns.

She turned 15 later in the summer and she gave birth in October, he's just turned 7 months old and he's great. She's currently going into school sit her GCSEs so I am helping out briefly whilst she revises and goes into school but I've made it clear after this he's all hers as I have other dc to look after and im studying myself and working pt.

Her bf has really grown up in his defence, he turned 16 just before my gs was born and he got a job whilst also sitting his exams and he talks a lot about wanting to be a good role model for grandson.

I made it clear that dd had to be on some form of contraception if she wanted the bf over to help with baby and she agreed to the pill. Rightly or wrongly I allow him to sleep over whenever as its just not worth the fight with dd I check with her she's taken it and she says yes she has. I'm not naive and I know they're having sex so I've also provided condoms. I know this will be judged by some but either way they would and i’d rather avoid a 2nd child.

However, a few days ago she admitted to me her period was late but was adamant she had been taking the pill. It turns out that she had missed quite a few days but they were using condoms (apparently) I told her if she can’t be sensible he can’t stay over at all (id already banned him the night before exams) as she knows how babies are made and she wants to go to college etc, she then twisted my words and said I implied my grandson was a mistake and ruined dd’s life which I didn't say.

Thankfully dd’s period has came and she came to me this evening and asked if he can stay over and she's not pregnant and neither of them have an exam tomorrow, I said no not after how she's spoke to me the past few days and she carried on asking and saying how she has cramps and he's teething and hasn't slept much the past few days not even naps and said he missed his dad (despite seeing him in the day yesterday). I stuck to a firm no as it's my house at the end of the day and she's spoken to me like crap

She then threw a tantrum and called me controlling and said she won't sit the rest of her exams then and stormed off leaving me with a crying screaming baby who won't sleep and while he has calmed down he's not asleep

Dd is ignoring my texts

I'm at my wits end

Yes.
It's his mum who has walked out on him.
Guilt tripping the grandmother- nice one.

His mum has not “walked out on him”

It got too much for her and she left him with a responsible family member at their house for a few hours.

Yes, you and others would have. Punishing the mother for her crap behavior would have been more important than what the impact on the children and their futures would have been.

Others as I did would have looked at the impact on the children, how likely it was to happen again, how much stress Mum was under etc, then made cautious decisions from there. I'm still not impressed, but history proved it the correct decision. Different strokes for different folks.

Once the DD is 16 she will be able to access creche and nursery places should she be in a position to work, though it sounds like wisely the plan is to study first. At 18, all the standard stuff that many mothers use to work, will be hers.

I don't believe OP has to do anything she doesn't want to do for her DD.
But Op's posts indicate that like most mothers, she wants to try and help her DD as best she can, but is struggling, and there is obviously history to the situation, which other pp's have alluded to. Getting judgemental isn't going to help either of them.

Most of this sounds like a set of stressors have come to a head in a difficult situation and it isn't the end of the world, unless that's what either of them want.

The state will take over responsibilities for DD's mum, if she doesn't want to or can't cope with the situation. But at this moment she is legally responsible for her DD, and has a private arrangement that means she holds a fair bit of legal responsibility for her DGS as well.
These days DD and DGS would be placed in a child parent and baby foster placement, and if she pushed the boundaries too far, would be likely to loose care of her child.

Exactly. Very un stellar behavior, but hardly headline CP news.

from one mum to another, dose that baby up on neurofen and calpol, anbesol liquid on his gums, and help her with the nights while this phase passes. His teeth will be through soon & he should hopefully go back to napping & sleeping. I have a 9 month old & can’t imagine coping with a teething baby whilst 16 & trying to do my GCSES. You sound like an incredible mum & nanny to be honest, trying to hold the fort for everyone. I bet you need a massive break & a hug too!
I would just follow your instincts with your daughter. Get through this exam period & then she needs to be back in the parenting role. She also needs an implant. I would make it clear you are here to support her & your grandson, however you will not be supporting a second baby in your house.
sending love xxx

Agree with this. She’s an emotional 15 year old, calling social services or threatening to put the baby up for adoption - as advised by other posters - is just ratcheting up the drama.

That suggests it was following a request or a discussion...

Not read whole thread but if you’re going to say to a 15 yo “he’s all yours as I have other DC and my own life” - that’s not setting the child up for a decent start.

She sounds desperate tbh, doing all of the night feeds on her own. Difficult screaming baby, and you’re denying her of the only person I assume will help her with the baby if you’re not helping her in the nights. I’d struggle to do all the night feeds in my own and I’m 28 and not doing my GCSEs!

I acknowledge that it wasn’t pre-agreed, but your language “his mother… walked out on him” suggests a longer term absence than a few hours.

I feel for you OP, someone I know has a very similar situation but 2 babies (before the age of 18), dad has long gone. Grandmother who has just turned 40 is at her wits end. The only way this goes well is if you/boyfriends mum step up & provide a lot of support. I'm sorry but it is impossible to parent at 15 despite what anyone tells you.

Surely it's not too much to ask to not be passive aggressive?

OK, I'll be even clearer and straighter, then.

It's rude not to read the OP's posts before posting, especially when there are only three of them at the time you post.

She didn't set herself up for a decent start you mean... OP had no choice about the pregnancy

The baby was disadvantaged before it was even born, sadly. Now everyone is trying to guilt the OP into giving up any idea of having a job so that she can emotionally support her child.

Those saying her brain isn’t fully developed - either she is mature enough to be a mother or she isn’t.

Even at 14, most teens are capable of making the connection between having a baby and looking after it, surely? Immature doesn’t equal stupid.

For someone in her position it does sound like she’s doing her best but, having made the choices she made, she has to live with them

She had a whole lot of choice about not ignoring her daughter in favour of her siblings in the run up to becoming pregnant.

🙈🙈🙈 how many of us as adults thought having a baby would be easy and it turned out to be anything but? And most adults have a healthy support system/ settled hormones / finances ect.

having made the choices she made, she has to live with them she's a child. Have some compassion?

I've got 30+ year old friends with healthy support systems who struggled with their babies, not a single person told them they had to live with the choices they made.

Just a little reminder. The OP is mum to a 15 year old who needs her support. DD has been looking after the baby herself almost all of the time. So much vitriol towards the DD. It's really ugly.

It really is ugly.

OP did not say ignored, she said DS1 took some of her attention away from DD.

OP was clearly instrumental in the school change when DD was struggling - so not ignoring her there - and any one parent can only do so much , especially as elder sibling had/has MH issues and the younger has additional needs to the extent that OP is a carer.

Assume that the father of these three hasn't stepped up in any way, as he isn't mentioned.

Does anyone really think babies are easy? That’s naive at best.

How is she going to get a job that pays well enough to support this child? It isn’t just about her age, but the fact that everyone on here expects the Op to step up.

Parenting your own child is not stepping up.

She needs an implant birth control. She cannot be trusted with the pill. I hope she does better and does well in her exams🙏🏿.

🤷‍♀️ I don't think anyone's ever prepared for how hard some aspects of raising a baby are. Especially not at 14. You never know what type of baby you'll get either, my DD was a dream, she was such an easy baby. My DS was so difficult I've never had another 😅

I havnt read many comments expecting OP to step up tbh. Most are just compassionate to the situation.

Atm for a school aged teen mum I don't think finding a job is or should be her main focus. Finishing school and applying for college would be the next sensible thing to do, then looking for a part time job.

Depending which direction her life goes, with the right support, she would be able to get a job that would provide well enough for her and her child in the future