Dd stormed out leaving me with her baby

[doubleredbull]

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one.

So, at 13 my daughter started a new school, she's summer born and she struggled to make friends due to established friendship groups. When she did make friends it was ones in the wrong crowd. Her older brother was struggling with his MH so perhaps I took some attention away from her but it was a real juggling act

Her behaviour got worse when she got a bf, she was a lovely girl but very naive and easily led, he was 14 at the time (and dd later turned 14) and pretty much left to his own devices as his mum had a new family. DD’s behaviour got worse after this, he seemed to project all of his attitude onto her and she started acting like I was the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me and wasn't a nice person to be around. Grounding did nothing, she'd storm out anyway.

Fast forward to last year just after school finished for the summer holidays, dd and her boyfriend went missing and long story short, I found out dd was pregnant. She knew but didn't tell me because i’d “try and control her” she was 25wks but baby was healthy on scans etc and social services didn't seem to have any concerns.

She turned 15 later in the summer and she gave birth in October, he's just turned 7 months old and he's great. She's currently going into school sit her GCSEs so I am helping out briefly whilst she revises and goes into school but I've made it clear after this he's all hers as I have other dc to look after and im studying myself and working pt.

Her bf has really grown up in his defence, he turned 16 just before my gs was born and he got a job whilst also sitting his exams and he talks a lot about wanting to be a good role model for grandson.

I made it clear that dd had to be on some form of contraception if she wanted the bf over to help with baby and she agreed to the pill. Rightly or wrongly I allow him to sleep over whenever as its just not worth the fight with dd I check with her she's taken it and she says yes she has. I'm not naive and I know they're having sex so I've also provided condoms. I know this will be judged by some but either way they would and i’d rather avoid a 2nd child.

However, a few days ago she admitted to me her period was late but was adamant she had been taking the pill. It turns out that she had missed quite a few days but they were using condoms (apparently) I told her if she can’t be sensible he can’t stay over at all (id already banned him the night before exams) as she knows how babies are made and she wants to go to college etc, she then twisted my words and said I implied my grandson was a mistake and ruined dd’s life which I didn't say.

Thankfully dd’s period has came and she came to me this evening and asked if he can stay over and she's not pregnant and neither of them have an exam tomorrow, I said no not after how she's spoke to me the past few days and she carried on asking and saying how she has cramps and he's teething and hasn't slept much the past few days not even naps and said he missed his dad (despite seeing him in the day yesterday). I stuck to a firm no as it's my house at the end of the day and she's spoken to me like crap

She then threw a tantrum and called me controlling and said she won't sit the rest of her exams then and stormed off leaving me with a crying screaming baby who won't sleep and while he has calmed down he's not asleep

Dd is ignoring my texts

I'm at my wits end

Where does OP say DD was neglected ? OP was a single parent and had three kids - one with mental health issues and another with a disability. She’s a carer as well as a mum and clearly has no support from the BF’s mum.

The OP didn’t mention that she was panicky, did she? And if she did, then surely she would want to get rid of it?

But having unprotected sex and keeping the pregnancy is an active choice.

She went out of the house for a few hours, leaving her son with his grandma, when she is tired from teething and stressed from exams.

DS2 is doing GCSEs at the moment and he’s stressed and sleeping badly without a crying baby in the equation.

It sounds like DD wasn’t doing too badly until teething and exams coincided. I don’t think we are in “put the child up for adoption” territory when GCSEs will be done in a couple of weeks.

I do feel for you, OP. This is such a tough one!

It's a shame that the other grandmother doesn't want to be involved - she's the one missing out and this is time she'll never get back. She may come to regret that.

However, at this juncture as much as I understand why you don't want the baby's father staying over - can you not make an exception and make him a bed in your living room? With the express expectation that him and the baby will be using that room while DD revises and sleeps?

To be frank, they've already done it - they have a baby! So it's not like anyone can go back in time to when they hadn't. Can this be a compromise to help you get some support, help DD focus and show a bit of trust in the baby's father to do the right thing?

And how do they support it, going forward? She did make an active choice but how does she propose to get a job and pay for childcare? Or does she intend to wait until the child goes to school (assuming she hasn’t had more by then)

Tbf the only thing she’s missing out on is the drama, from the sound of it!

No - but I’m empathetic enough to imagine that a 14 year old finding herself pregnant would be panicky. And we have no idea of DD’s view on the ethics of abortion.

Also we don’t know if the sex was unprotected as a choice or if a condom broke.

But you are determined to judge a 14 year old as if she is a 34 year old, so I will leave you to your little judgey bubble.

Ethics aside, everyone saying she can’t bring up the child without support… do you think it’s fair that her choice has potentially messed up her life and that of her kid? Or that someone has to give up their plans because of her choice?

I don’t doubt the OP and her ex dropped the ball as a kid of that age shouldn’t be in a relationship, and particularly not sleeping with someone.

Hopefully not.

Have you seen any signs of anything post natal OP or is this all building from the input of boundaries and exam season?
If her BF is actually knuckling down, working and doing his best then I'd build your relationship with him. He is that bit older and isn't getting any nurture at home. Is it possible he can stay, as long as they follow rules? He's there to be a support to DD and take care of a teething baby in the night, not for them to stay up being loud and silly because despite being teenagers they no longer have a teenager life.
He can watch the baby so DD revises, she can get a good sleep the night of an exam.

But I'd try and get her to sit down and talk. She's probably now realising the reality of having a baby, everyone at school doing GCSEs talking about possibly going to Uni after 6th form or different colleges etc. and she's got to do everything around being a mum. Her reality is only just sinking in, because it's not the sleepless nights and changing nappies that's hard at that age, it's the realisation that the next 18 years of their life is now dictated to them at the time everyone else is most free.

@RiskyBiz i think the BF is also doing GCSEs, he’s only that bit older because DD is a July/August born. I might be wrong though.

So what would your alternative be? The teen mum not get any support, struggle even more, end up with a shit life? The baby do what? Be raised by a depressed struggling teen mum?

What would you suggest to make this teens life easier? Because every post I've read from you is just being nasty about a child parent who by all accounts is doing a well enough job that social services arnt concerned, her biggest crime being she got stressed, threw a strop and walked out for a few hours?

God some of the above comments are shocking imo , your daughter is 15 , having a baby is hard at any age. Just help and support her and raise him together. It doesn’t sound at all appropriate to contact social services, how heartless! She hasn’t left her baby in an unsafe situation, she’s had a teen moment and stomped off leaving him with his Grandparent. Not crime of the century!
You do need to look at some long term contraception that doesn’t rely on her being organised enough to take a pill though, maybe implant or injection?
Look at the positives she is still trying with her education , still with the father . Could be much worse. She’ll come out of this phase and it will all work out. Remember she’s growing up too.

How are things this morning @doubleredbull. Is she up and getting ready for her exam?

I honestly think this baby deserves to have both parents living under the same roof, as a unit. I think the boyfriend should move in with you all because it prevents his money going to his mother and will enable him to financially support his own child! It might do your daughters behaviour a world of good, if she has a stable relationship, consistency, the dad there at her side to help with his own child. She is still a child herself and has had to grow up quickly, but I think you need to look at your own life as a single mum - Is that what you want for your daughter? For her to also live like a single mum? I'd let him move in, put their name down on the council register, make sure your daughter looks for a job over the summer, they can support one another in working together, working as a whole, finding somewhere to live, and you are no longer left lumped with the baby.

Sometimes you need to give a little in order for something to work well. Enable a good life for them because that poor boy seems to be trying his hardest, but he also needs to be firm with your daughter and support her in being more mature.

They can always work and study with the open university - it's doable and they'll have some extra income if they recieve student loans and grants.

Sadly it still boils down to the OP having to support them somehow, If she’s a carer she won’t be earning. So it will be down to the state ultimately as two part time wages won’t even touch the sides.

It’s sad all round that it has come to this but I don’t think it’s fair on the OP to dump everything at her door