Dh gets judged constantly for not taking time off in school holidays

[Mydogsmellsofwee]

His parents do this all the time, despite knowing our circumstances and so do some of our friends.

It’s half term next week and two of the families we are closest to are lucky enough that the dads are self employed trades people and so don’t tend to book work in school holidays. Me and the children are doing a couple of things next week with the familes and once again, it’s all “oh is your dh not coming? Doesn’t he take time off work?”

Every bloody school holiday we get this. And from PIL.

One of our DDs goes to a selective school 45 mins away. The school bus service is eye wateringly expensive and the routes are long - she would be on the bus 90mins each way. We don’t live in the nicest place so I don’t want her getting public transport and there is no direct route anyway, it would still be a PITA. It makes more sense for dh to drive her (I can no longer drive due to a medical condition).

His work is fairly flexible, he works from home 4 days a week and can make up time.

But school holidays, with no school run is where he can go into the office everyday and really plough through and be at his desk 9-5 (or 6) with no distractions.

He does take off a couple of weeks in the summer holidays, but it makes far more sense to take the rest of his time off in term time so it’s less of a rush with school runs and we often get a long weekend away as he takes off school inset days.

It works for us, but my god, even when people know this, and I explain again and again, I get the faux shock, or even people asking why he doesn’t want to be off when the children are. It makes him sound like a bit of a prick who is avoiding his children, but he’s literally worked his entire working life around getting dd to and from this amazing school which she worked so hard to get in to and loves.

And even if he did take all the holidays off, he gets 6 weeks holiday, not 13, so he wouldn’t be around for all of them anyway.

Just ignore them.

When we were kids my parents ran their own business. They both worked there. My dad would work 5-5 during school. My mum would do the school run and wfh in the evenings.

Then in the holidays we would commonly have my dad home for six weeks, he’d work 5-8 and 8-10 at home and my mum would go in to work. People would judge but if it works for your family, that’s fine.

Ask them what their solution would be. What would they do differently? Would they like to pay for the school bus service to free up your husband? That might shut them up.

Dh did say that to his dad once, and he shut up about it for a few weeks 😂

I just feel really bad for him sometimes. He’s got a really demanding job as it is, and he works so hard to make everything fit in. He’d love to take every half term off and do things with us, but it make so much more sense for him to work.

But school holidays, with no school run is where he can go into the office everyday and really plough through and be at his desk 9-5 (or 6) with no distractions.

It does look a bit suspect though, let's be fair 🤣

How? Because he works, does his fair share of childcare, and the family do what works for them

Whilst I do understand your position, but assuming you are in the U.K. there is nowhere a typically developing teen can’t use public transport safely, perhaps next school year you could move towards more independent travel for your dd then your dh can have more time off as a family for enjoyment not to satisfy others!

No it doesn’t.

I mean, it would if he wasn’t driving for almost 3 hours a day taking dd to and from school.

He’s got quite a senior, stressful job that he has to make up that time for, so working in the holidays is so much easier for him.

So yeah, if you didn’t know the circumstances, but these people all do, and yet they still go on about it every school holiday.

Your Dh sounds like a very decent, hardworking bloke who puts long-term priorities like helping his DD get a great education, ahead of short-term fun. The people criticising are probably jealous or worried he is doing a better job than them. Whatever. They have different priorities, as they are entitled to have. But they can't see you and DH are entitled to make other choices. Ignore, roll your eyes, ignore some more.

Surely is the same for everyone who doesn’t work for themselves? I’m not able to take off work all the days my children are off but my DH works for himself so covers the school holidays. I only take off when something exciting is happening (like a holiday 😂). I wouldn’t be wasting days on half term meet ups!

We live in an absolute shithole. The school is in a city which is an even bigger shithole. I’m 46 and I get arseholes shouting stuff at me when I’m walking the dog and you couldn’t pay me to get on a bus here.

I’m not risking putting my dd in a vulnerable position.

As long as his holiday is used as family holiday time I can’t see what the issue is. Also quite surprised lots of people commenting because everyone knows school holidays are something like 12 weeks a year but your average worker gets 4.

Indeed. Thought you were going to say “we need the money” in which case fair enough.
But he is chosing to put work over family so yeah, I get where they are coming from.
Does he take all his entitled
annual leave? From your post it doesn’t sound like it.

You should say to them that is such a cruel thing to say. You know my husband works so hard to pay for what our child needs and misses out on so much because of that. Why do you want to rub it in?

I think this is it. Our close friends own their own business in trades so have the opportunity to pick and choose. FIL was self employed and always took off a lot of school holidays. So they just don’t get it.

Another family in our friendship group is the same. Both parents work full time and it’s always shocked faces when they can’t make days out or an impromptu camping trip - becuase they are bloody working!

I do wonder if when older your children will appreciate the long school run more than the lost quality time with dad though.

its what you have found that works for you which is great but it would also not be an option a lot of people would take.

“He can’t get any leave” “he’s not got the holiday allowance left, must be lovely being self employed and being able to take as much time off as you want.”

My parents were teachers and had self employed siblings, they really struggled with the concept that we really did only have 4 weeks for the whole year including Christmas.

Maybe some of the judgement is for sending your child to school an hour away? I think mine would be…..

I’m more surprised that you know several families who have both parents at home in the school holidays.

one of the many reasons I went into teaching is because it meant we’d have a parent (me) at home during the holidays, most families I know are similar in that it’s only one family.

btw obviously school run is your choice but assuming it’s a secondary school many schools have groups of students travelling on public transport. Mine took the train to the next city over and the train was always full of kids from that school.

it’s the other way round to me. He’s putting taking dd to school before work.

Yes he takes it all. He takes a couple of weeks in the summer holidays and depending on work projects, he’ll take October half term off.

He always takes off school inset days.

The rest of his holiday he takes in term time, still does the school run, and the endless DIY.

It’s a grammar school. We don’t live in a grammar area. Dd did amazingly well to get in there, there are so few places for thousands of girls taking the 11+ from all over.

Everyone is thrilled for her, not judging.

I understand you @Mydogsmellsofwee. We rarely had holidays when I was small, either. And we lived in a tourist town so we never had a summer holiday. Summer was for working all the hours we could.

You sound as if you have a tight family. Be proud of that. And ignore the rest.

Maybe they’re projecting or maybe they’re looking out for you. I work ft as does dh and he’s the same school holidays, oh great finally I can work through without having to do my share of eg school runs and they’re old enough to stay on their own or you’re there but the thing is op, you’re a family. Just because they don’t have to be ferried or minded, and just because you’re there, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t use some of his leave to be there for his family. If men are asked to go away with friends/ do something ‘extracurricular’ they’ll take leave, women use it so their kids aren’t just left. I think people probably think ‘could he not put in some time with his family?’ Do you honestly agree with him just working on through?

Taking my DS to school is quality time though. We have uninterrupted time to chat, he shares music with me, we chat about all sorts of random stuff and he has my full attention which is important because his sisters complex needs means I focus a lot on her at home. Having 3 hours a day of dads focus is really good.

I get what you mean, but he spends a hell of a lot of time with them. That’s all he does on weekends and evenings. He shares different hobbies with all three of them (big age gaps, one is an adult). I don’t feel like anyone misses out on anything and they are all happy.

Just say he'd love to but he can't.