Dh gets judged constantly for not taking time off in school holidays

[Mydogsmellsofwee]

His parents do this all the time, despite knowing our circumstances and so do some of our friends.

It’s half term next week and two of the families we are closest to are lucky enough that the dads are self employed trades people and so don’t tend to book work in school holidays. Me and the children are doing a couple of things next week with the familes and once again, it’s all “oh is your dh not coming? Doesn’t he take time off work?”

Every bloody school holiday we get this. And from PIL.

One of our DDs goes to a selective school 45 mins away. The school bus service is eye wateringly expensive and the routes are long - she would be on the bus 90mins each way. We don’t live in the nicest place so I don’t want her getting public transport and there is no direct route anyway, it would still be a PITA. It makes more sense for dh to drive her (I can no longer drive due to a medical condition).

His work is fairly flexible, he works from home 4 days a week and can make up time.

But school holidays, with no school run is where he can go into the office everyday and really plough through and be at his desk 9-5 (or 6) with no distractions.

He does take off a couple of weeks in the summer holidays, but it makes far more sense to take the rest of his time off in term time so it’s less of a rush with school runs and we often get a long weekend away as he takes off school inset days.

It works for us, but my god, even when people know this, and I explain again and again, I get the faux shock, or even people asking why he doesn’t want to be off when the children are. It makes him sound like a bit of a prick who is avoiding his children, but he’s literally worked his entire working life around getting dd to and from this amazing school which she worked so hard to get in to and loves.

And even if he did take all the holidays off, he gets 6 weeks holiday, not 13, so he wouldn’t be around for all of them anyway.

As I said earlier, they sound ignorant of the world around them. Are they closed minded about other things?

But he’s not taking it off to destresss. They were MY words for the situation. That’s just a bonus by product, all I meant was it’s a nice break just to do the school run without the pressure of work.

He HAS to take it off in term time. He can’t take it off in the holidays or he would be able to everything he had to do for work. That’s just how he’s managed to swing being able to do DDs school run.

Again, should he refuse to take those two weeks out of some sort of made up principle?

He’d much rather be off next week than working, hanging out with our friends and the children rather than sat in an office in back to back meetings.

And anyway - I’m not sure his team would be pleased if he took all his leave in the holidays. Most of them have children too.

And yes - I agree not being a prick is a low bar. That’s not what I meant at all.

No. They just want to hang out with their friend. There’s no malice, I think they are always just genuinely sad he won’t be there.

It’s just really annoying when you keep having to tell them he doesn’t have unlimited holiday.

PIL are pretty closed minded though. They’ve never forgiven him for not becoming a teacher like his sister.

Stop explaining OP.

you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

As I say, as long as you’re both happy that’s really all that matters.

It feels that on this thread you are really keen on everyone agreeing with you but this kind of thing will always split opinions. And that’s not meant to sound snippy, honestly 🙂 I just think you need to shrug off what others think as long as you have a solution that works for your family. And I mean that about posts on here and also in real life.

And on a personal note, it sounds as if you’ve got more than enough going on without worrying about what other people think 💐

I’m not keen on people agreeing with me. It’s just annoying when words get twisted and people read into things that don’t exist.

PIL are here for a bbq tomorrow. Wish us luck.

Come on 🙄 I get you, OP, mine WFH but has a job and his own business, does loads around the house but is otherwise pretty much always working. I take our DS to church on my own apart from the big occasions and have ribbed DH saying I look like a single mum but he's working so hard for us.

People don't get it whose partners (or they themselves) have more standard 9-5 jobs. And our shared long term goals are DH works a lot while we have one small DC, he's trying to earn more to make it easier for me to take a step back if I chose to later on - I do have a job - or just for a better quality of life so he can work less once our child is a little older and/or we have another one

My husband has to take time off in term time only. He is allowed one week at summer holidays.
Benefit is that he can take days off to do inset days and school events, which I can't do.

I worked a job like that once. No holidays granted at all in August or December. So that was fun.

I think some posters are jealous

He's off all inset days, and a lot more days than most parents, but it stings too bad to know a dad can be just as involved so they try to twist things.

But no OP, there's nothing unusual about one parent working. It's often used as an excuse to avoid "friends" gatherings at the zoo or some kids parties (from mum and dad), but ignore the idiots

It was the "wide-eyed and full of wonder" that made me think they're not very open minded. And to do it every time. That would piss me right off.

Yeah. I mean they are my closest friends but it really gets on my nerves. They know. They know him, they know all the ins and outs and every school holiday, it’s the same shit.

I think it's absolutely insane that your DH drives that school run every day.

I wouldn't turn down a grammar school place either but there has to be some kind of compromise - like driving half way to a more convenient transport point or her doing the school bus one way or lift sharing with another family.

At the very least I would get her to practice the route by public transport so she could do it if she had to. Because what happens if his car breaks down or he is unwell and can't drive her one day?

We have lots of family here - dh is from this area originally which is why we moved back to be near them all.

So if he couldn’t take her (happened in Jan for a week when he has a small procedure done), my adult son, his parents, his aunt and uncle, his brother who works nights, two
two of my friends would all step in. It’s no problem finding people to help out if we needed it, thankfully. we have a big support network here, which is another reason why we stay. We wouldn’t ask any of those people to do it regularly, but if we need them, they are all there and they are all a wonderful help.

It’s hard to find other parents as once they are at secondary, you don’t meet anyone. The friends dd have made live scattered everywhere.

You have to pay both ways for the school bus. You can’t just say you’ll take it in the afternoons.

We did look at meeting the bus at another point but the 90 min route goes in such an awkward way that it’s pretty much pointless- you’d almost be at the school to meet it in a convenient place one the route had come back on its self if you see what I mean. And the stops aren’t set in stone - they change depending on booking demand. So this year, rhe closest stop is a 20 min walk away, but last year, there wasn’t enough demand for it so it was further away. A few years ago, there was a stop less than five minute walk from our house, there must have been a few
kids in the area going to the school then - we would have gone for it then, probably.

We have our address on the coach companies list, if enough parents in our area join it, the school send an email to see if enough people will sign up for the coach to make it a viable route change. But like I said, hardly anyone here does the 11+, so it’s unlikely.

And most importantly - dh doesn’t mind taking her. He’s worked it out with work.

These friends would drive me nuts. Is this their only weird behaviour?

I have a colleage who has a similar habit of asking the same question again and again with eyes wide open and a big surprised face full of disbelief. Just because people dont want a fifth coffee in a day like she does.

I dont get what is going on in her brain. She does have a whole spectrum of weird behaviour and is difficult to work with.

Did you try to just tell them Dont ask me this ever again?

Yeah they are lovely, or they wouldn’t be my friends.

No, I don’t say that as we are very close. I do point out, again and again that dh only gets 5 weeks a year to take off and the school holidays are 13 weeks.

He’s never, ever going to be able to be around for everything, so it’s annoying when we are planning things and they just assume dh will be able to join in and they are shocked/sad when he has to work.

It’a just that their lives are very different and there’s a group of them who all live the same way, so I think they forget that dh doesn’t have jobs like theirs.

I think when dh takes his holiday and taking dd to school is a red herring in all this.

The fact is, close friends and family can’t get it into their heads that he has 5 weeks a year to take off. So he’s never, ever going to be around for all the school holidays to do stuff with them. And honestly, when you work with a team of people who mostly all have children, the likelihood of even being able to book all your leave for school holidays wouldn’t be guaranteed anyway, a lot of people need that to save on childcare.

If they know this they should understand then.

the dads are self employed trades people and so don’t tend to book work in school holidays

Really? This would literally never happen where I live.

I suppose you either have to ignore those comments or just calmly repeat he's not able to take time off now.

My OH usually works all summer, maybe takes a week off, because summer is the busiest time and he has to work so the other employees can get their summer holiday (he works for his dad in a small electrician firm, just a few employees and each needs 4 weeks off in the summer) so he doesn't even come on holiday with us unless its just a few days domestic holiday. But term time he's basically the default parent - he stays home with our youngest if he's ill, he's the one that his teacher calls if DS needs to be picked up, he coaches his football team and does the parent volunteer stuff for the ice hockey team so it balances out.

But his daughter is getting quality time with Dad every day on the school run. He's having 3 hours with his daughter 5 days a week during term time, which is more than some of these other fathers will get due to working hours and distractions / homework/ friends after the school day. It's also a lot more one on one time than a parent taking a couple of days off work in the holidays to join in group outings, important as those memoriess are. Plus he still has time off in school holidays when it suits their family.
Car journeys are great for connecting. I used to have some of my best conversations when running my dd on an 80 minute run each way to her dance classes. She hogged the cd/radio and we used to sing along or chat about things going on in her life.

Like I said all that is actually a red herring.

He gets 5 weeks a year. He couldn’t actually take them all during school holidays regardless of everything else. He takes 3 weeks of them in the holidays.

He’s the boss of a team where there are a lot of parents. Lots of them want time in the holidays for childcare.

I think talking 3 weeks out of 5 during school holidays (plus the week they have at Christmas when they are closed), is pretty good going for a big workplace, especially as he’s not one of the parents who needs to be off for childcare. I have had friends who were really limited in booking time off in the school holidays as they had to be on a rota for it with everyone else. I worked in a place once where there were no holidays at all granted in August or December.

The in-laws are here now (hello, I’m hiding upstairs as it’s fucking hot and FIL wants to fiddle with the kids bikes and I am too hot to help), and so far, so good, they haven’t mentioned half term next week yet and how it’s such a shame dh will be missing out.

But yeah, dh really doesn’t mind taking her too and from school as he enjoys that one on one time with her, just to chat and have a laugh and hear about school. He used to drive our son to and from work on weekends when he was younger, he said the same thing then, that it was lovely just to have uninterrupted time to chat to ds.

I really agree with this. Mine are older teens now, and they talk much more fondly of all the fun we had on our journeys to school or clubs than about one off visits to places in the school holidays. Sending your child into school with a smile on their face and feeling heard and connected shouldn’t be dismissed as nothing time. My own DH used to go to football matches with his dad, but it’s again the journeys there and back, the chocolate they shared at half time, the chats they had about his dad’s own childhood - all the little things surrounding the “big thing” that meant the most to him.

Sorry I quoted the wrong post. MIL has made frozen cocktails that are so strong, they could power a small town. That was for @SwayzeM inbetter go back down before I fall asleep 🤣

Your DH is a good husband and father so tell your friends/FIL that you are happy with the arrangement and to mind their own business.

People are always gonna judge. Let them.

You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone.