Dh gets judged constantly for not taking time off in school holidays

[Mydogsmellsofwee]

His parents do this all the time, despite knowing our circumstances and so do some of our friends.

It’s half term next week and two of the families we are closest to are lucky enough that the dads are self employed trades people and so don’t tend to book work in school holidays. Me and the children are doing a couple of things next week with the familes and once again, it’s all “oh is your dh not coming? Doesn’t he take time off work?”

Every bloody school holiday we get this. And from PIL.

One of our DDs goes to a selective school 45 mins away. The school bus service is eye wateringly expensive and the routes are long - she would be on the bus 90mins each way. We don’t live in the nicest place so I don’t want her getting public transport and there is no direct route anyway, it would still be a PITA. It makes more sense for dh to drive her (I can no longer drive due to a medical condition).

His work is fairly flexible, he works from home 4 days a week and can make up time.

But school holidays, with no school run is where he can go into the office everyday and really plough through and be at his desk 9-5 (or 6) with no distractions.

He does take off a couple of weeks in the summer holidays, but it makes far more sense to take the rest of his time off in term time so it’s less of a rush with school runs and we often get a long weekend away as he takes off school inset days.

It works for us, but my god, even when people know this, and I explain again and again, I get the faux shock, or even people asking why he doesn’t want to be off when the children are. It makes him sound like a bit of a prick who is avoiding his children, but he’s literally worked his entire working life around getting dd to and from this amazing school which she worked so hard to get in to and loves.

And even if he did take all the holidays off, he gets 6 weeks holiday, not 13, so he wouldn’t be around for all of them anyway.

I explained upthread that this area used to be very cheap. The people I know here have lived here all their lives, unlike me. They bought houses for 50k. Now, those houses are 300-400k. So they are in really good financial positions, with no mortgages. So they have a lot more financial freedom.

This seems odd to me as DH rarely takes time off in holidays unless we've specifically planned something. DS and I love to have days pottering about at home when we're both off but DH would want to "do stuff" or "go somewhere" so we're quite happy he's at work when we're both off.

So basically, we're similar in that DH doesn't tend to be off in half terms etc whilst I do but no-one ever questions this or acts like it's weird. And we don't even have a decent excuse for it!

DH works for himself (IT nerd) and he doesn't get paid if he doesn't work! So he always works unless we are actually going on holiday (or it's Twixmas).

Because he can do more work, with no school run, in the holidays. It really is as simple as that. It gives him a good run to get on top of things and get all his project in place for term time, and he can have weeks where he can have meetings without having to blank out the time he’s driving.

I think it's your relatives the issue. That's a pretty normal set-up in most families (not the commute, the "short" amount of time booked)

More often dads than mums, take a week or 2 weeks max family holidays in February and/or Easter, couple of weeks in the summer holiday and that's pretty much it for family holidays? That's 3 or 4 weeks already!

Then unless they work shifts, you have all the long weekends with the bank holidays when the family can go away for a few days, but if your friends are not teachers, that's how most parents make it work.

I wouldn't say anything to you, but I would roll my eyes at the amount of driving to drop a kid to school 😂Complete waste of time, but also for the child who is not doing a club or spending time with friends like everybody else, but again, I would not say a word, it's your life.

We all do what we think is best for our children. She’s in an excellent school that she worked hard to get into and she’s thriving in.

I don’t think many parents would have turned down a place at dds school and the options locally aren’t brilliant. All of her close primary friends ended up going to schools further out.

And she is spending time with friends and doing clubs?

I had a similar set up when I was a kid, I went to a grammar that I lived half an hour from and my friends lived all over the place too, so this is normal for me.

OP, never apologise, never explain.
'Thanks for your concern, it works for all of us just as it is.'
Repeat as necessary.

I don't think anyone is surprised he isn't off for all 13 weeks of the school holidays, which isn't at all unusual; they're surprised that he's off for 4 of them and uses 2 weeks of his annual leave to be off without the kids by choice. That is unusual and I think a lot of people would privately judge a parent who uses a third of their annual leave to 'destress' rather than be with their children. That said, they should be doing it privately: that is, they should be keeping it to themselves.

Avoiding the bus isnt a money issue. Read OP's posts.

But say he took next week off. Yeah, that would be great. But then it causes him more stress when he’s back at work. By working next week, it enables him to get loads done and get on top of things so he can take dd to and from school for the next 5 weeks. It was the same for Feb half term. Working all that week allowed him to do the school run last term.

So what should he do? Just not take two weeks of his annual leave?

It’s just how it works out. If he took all 5 weeks of his holiday in the school holidays, there would be times where he couldn’t do the school run as he wouldn’t be able to fit it all in.

I am not about to punish him for that by saying he can’t take the rest of his A/L as it has to be when the children are off!

And anyway; he took his two weeks last year and fitted our kitchen, saving us loads of cash (he was an apprentice carpenter as a teenager, how he wishes he’d stuck with that!)

I can’t tell you how hard he works for us all. He juggles so much for dd to be able to go to the school she chose, and working in the holidays is just what makes it work for his
job.

Your friends sound rather narrow minded. Maybe lots of flexible AL is their experience, but to not know that vast, vast numbers of people get about 5 weeks AL is rather ignorant.

Wow, you are quick to judge. How can you say its not sustainable to live how they choose to live? OP states clearly that it works for them. Its irrelevant what works for you. Its irrelevant that your husband is most productive working from the corner of your bedroom. OP's husband is most productive in the office, full stop. You are not to dictate the OP's family how to run their schedules.

Also, the school run takes 45 minutes each way by car. There isnt a 3 hour commute every day. Read the text properly. ("One of our DDs goes to a selective school 45 mins away. The school bus service is eye wateringly expensive and the routes are long - she would be on the bus 90mins each way."]

Yes, dd would be out of the house from 6:30 am until 5:30pm if she got the school bus. it’s a long route and the closest stop is still a 20 min walk from home. Thats a hell of a long day. Right now, they leave at 8am, she’s gets to school for 8:45 and they get home at 4:15.

She’s then got homework, friends to see a couple of clubs that she loves in the evenings.

If she went on the school bus, she’d be knackered.

We did carefully think about all of this before she started and dh negotiated with his bosses about his work schedule and how he was going to make it work - including chatting about scheduling certain things for when he was in the office in the school holidays. This isn’t something we just did on a whim

By the way you describe it, you ARE putting her in a vulnerable position though.
Perhaps your DD would actually like her father to take a day off each school holiday to spend quality time with her - so 1 day a week for 13 weeks would be perfectly doable. When DOES he take his holidays?

You and your husband sound like you are doing a terrific job of juggling work, school and family and friends time. Perhaps tell the negative Nellies to change the record if they ask you again: “It’s the same answer as the last 10 times you asked this, Kathleen. Is your memory ok?” End of discussion. Some people with little imagination can’t fathom
how other people manage to make their life run smoothly and happily when it’s not like their own.

He takes 2 weeks in the summer holidays.

Usually October half term, unless a big project, and then it will be 3 days of that week, but so far, so good.

His office is closed Dec 23rd - Jan 2nd

He takes off every inset day.

Bank holidays, obviously.

His work is fairly flexible, so he’s never missed a performance, a sports day, a parent’s eve for any of them.

He is then with the children every evening and everyweekend. The three of them are his world and he’s always with us when he’s not working.

The point seems to be getting lost here. You don't have to justify how he uses his time, either on mumsnet or to family. If they ask questions, just confirm, very neutrally, that he is working. If they make statements, just say .mmmh.

It’s hard though when it’s friends.

Today it’s been, “is your dh looking forward to the event next week?”

”He won’t be there, he’s working.”

”But it’s the school holidays!” All wide eyed and full of wonder that he won’t be at the bloody zoo. Every single time.

You see it all the time on here, even some of the replies you're getting, people live in a privileged world of their own and you often see advice like 'just home school him' or 'just go part time' or o'just book the leave', like people are in charge of their own leave entitlements or have the money to shift their whole lives around.

Thats not real life for the most of us.

My exdp never took the holidays off, its just not doable for many working parents.

If they bring it up again, I would either totally ignore them or say, 'Are you talking about that - again?'.

If it works for you and your family screw everyone else! Ignore it or just comment "this old chestnut? Again?" or similar and refuse to engage further.

Ignore them - my DH often has to work school holidays (due to the nature of his job). We still have plenty of family time/holidays/days out all year long.

I’d say im more resilient than some Mums I know (a friend once told me she had never done a weekend by herself with her two kids for the first three years). I don’t bat an eyelid at doing half-term on my own.

Take it as a positive that you can still give your kids a great school holiday even when your’re solo parenting.

I don't see why people are so bothered. It's like who cares where your husband is, or even if you have one?

Unless you're badgering them for childcare or moaning endlessly about him not pulling his weight why would anyone need to comment?

I guess I'm from an era where dads primarily did work during holidays. At least some of them. I guess maybe that was more when one ft income households were a bit more widespread. But I never knew anyone who's dad was off for the whole summer. Or their mum.

But either way he does spend time with them and the arrangements suit the whole family. So bugger what others think. As long as you're all happy.

Most people in the country will get around 28 days holiday and there are 170 days the kids are off in a year.

They are in the minority if they can take every half term off. Most parents share annual leave, use holiday clubs or family (if close by) and hopefully get some weeks together.

Lucky im part time and can get most half terms off but my DH wont have any of the one week holidays off this year.

It’s because we tend to hang out as families at weekends I think. They just think dh will be there in school holidays as an extension of that, as their husbands are there.

With dh family, FIL was always there in the school holidays. SIL and her husband both work in education so they are both around in the holidays.

So there’s dh, with his 5 weeks off, and it’s not the norm in our circle.