Dh gets judged constantly for not taking time off in school holidays

[Mydogsmellsofwee]

His parents do this all the time, despite knowing our circumstances and so do some of our friends.

It’s half term next week and two of the families we are closest to are lucky enough that the dads are self employed trades people and so don’t tend to book work in school holidays. Me and the children are doing a couple of things next week with the familes and once again, it’s all “oh is your dh not coming? Doesn’t he take time off work?”

Every bloody school holiday we get this. And from PIL.

One of our DDs goes to a selective school 45 mins away. The school bus service is eye wateringly expensive and the routes are long - she would be on the bus 90mins each way. We don’t live in the nicest place so I don’t want her getting public transport and there is no direct route anyway, it would still be a PITA. It makes more sense for dh to drive her (I can no longer drive due to a medical condition).

His work is fairly flexible, he works from home 4 days a week and can make up time.

But school holidays, with no school run is where he can go into the office everyday and really plough through and be at his desk 9-5 (or 6) with no distractions.

He does take off a couple of weeks in the summer holidays, but it makes far more sense to take the rest of his time off in term time so it’s less of a rush with school runs and we often get a long weekend away as he takes off school inset days.

It works for us, but my god, even when people know this, and I explain again and again, I get the faux shock, or even people asking why he doesn’t want to be off when the children are. It makes him sound like a bit of a prick who is avoiding his children, but he’s literally worked his entire working life around getting dd to and from this amazing school which she worked so hard to get in to and loves.

And even if he did take all the holidays off, he gets 6 weeks holiday, not 13, so he wouldn’t be around for all of them anyway.

Oh this made me laugh…. Yep, FIL acts like dh still has a paper round rather than a real, stressful job.

Haha this sounds so familiar (FIL is a retired headmaster). He just can’t grasp DH’s very senior finance job AT ALL. I think he just thinks he does data entry or something.

My ex went self employed claiming it was to be around for DC more…he went on to earn no money for several years until I left him and was still never at home.

It was just an excuse not to work and do whatever he wants. Your friends might be like that, they’re not likely to be open about it.

Ignore them, your DH sounds like a responsible adult.

They are open about it though?

They are in financial positions where they don’t have to be working all the time anymore and so can chose to have the holidays off to do things with their families while their children are young. That’s brilliant for them, but dh isn’t in that position. One always says he’d rather have this time when they are small than when he’s retired.

There is nothing irresponsible about them. They worked hard when they were younger and got really lucky with the property market here, so now they don’t have to take on work all year round if they don’t want to.

Honestly think yourself lucky my husband and I are both full time I'm Monday to Friday and he's in hospitality so work every weekend and bank holiday. We get judged by our family and friends every weekend let alone the school holidays where our son is at holiday clubs and I'm working from home. Neither of us get anything more than the standard 4 weeks, and working in a tourist area in a restaurant he often has to work more hours over the school holidays. For that reason any holidays we have are during term time and we pay the fine. We have no other choice to have family time together. Concentrate on you and your family don't worry about others and their opinions, you and your husband are doing your best. We make sure we have quality time together when we'll all off and that's the most important thing. Don't feel my DS misses outif anything he's had more experience than most at his age because we make sure our time and money is spent making memories.

So he gets two weeks’ break essentially him himself? That’s a huge chunk for someone with children. Surely one week would be enough for that.
Then be could have a day or do here and there in the half term.

I wonder if it’s the teacher thing? I’m a teacher so understand only too well how hard the job is but FIL was always making out that it’s the hardest job on the planet, no flexibility and poor terms and conditions etc. He gave up in the early nineties so I can’t think he had it that bad! Anyway, he always assumes that there are loads of perks to working in the corporate environment. If DH had to go on a business trip abroad he’d ask ‘How was the jolly?’ (‘Fine dad I had two days of meetings straight after an overnight transatlantic flight and then came home again and went back to work the following day…’). I’m pretty sure it’s part of maintaining the illusion in his mind that he has worked harder than any other profession for less pay. DH’s mum was also a teacher so he has no real lived experience of another kind of work. DH gave up any real hope of explaining it years ago 😂

My god, I have explained this to the death!

He can’t take all his AL in the holidays as that is when he catches up from taking an hour and half each day in term time.

Even if he wasn’t taking that time, the likeyhood of him being to take ALL his leave in school holidays would be slim and probably couldn’t happen as he manages a team of 30, most of who have kids and would like time off in the holidays too. Even before these school runs, in all the years I’ve been with him, he’s never managed to get all his AL in the school holidays as so many other people he’s worked with have wanted that time off too. They can’t all take it off.

He does take random days. He takes their inset days off.

But what should he do with what’s left? Not take it because the kids are at school?

If he’s on holiday when they are at school, he still does the school runs. But you know what, in the hours in between sometimes it’s nice to spend some time with him, go out to lunch or to the cinema in the day. I do quite like him and it’s nice to have a bit of time together. When he’s with us all, he’s with us all, all his attention is on the children and doing things with them. They are off in the woods now.

He’s also one to crack on with DIY if he’s off.

He would much rather be able to take off 4 of those weeks over the summer so we could all go away for a long time, but how many people can do that, why it so shocking that someone can’t take all the AL in the school holidays?

He takes two weeks off in the summer holidays, the October half term and his office is shut all over Christmas. He takes off inset days to do things with us and his work is flexible so he can do sports days and plays.

He’s not taking two weeks off while the kids are at school just to be some terrible bastard who’s trying to avoid them 🤣

Maybe I’ll tell him that he has to forgo the weeks he can’t take off with the kids next year, as some sort of punishment.

Just ignore them!

Honestly OP don't bother responding to people who either havent read your updates or have difficulty with reading comprehension. You have explained the situation very clearly (several times) and your set up makes complete sense

Ugh, know. I seem to attract the people who want to tear every little bit apart 🤣

We are taking the 5 year old to see bored teenagers dressed as Bluey Characters for the day now anyway.

Just ignore them. I still get people assuming I've got school holidays off even though DDs are too old to be at school and I work full time.

-Did you have a nice half term?
-Oh I didn't know it was half term.
-Did you go away anywhere nice?
-No, I was working.

Sounds like your husband has a great set up, working balance and time with your family. It is absolutely impossible to take random afternoons off when you are employed. Your friends and family obviously don't get his schedule, or see all the hard work and time he is putting in with your kids as it isn't in front of them. Sorry you are having to repeat yourself so much, here and with them. Hopefully your friends and family will get it soon, and understand he is doing amazing!

My dad always worked in school holidays, as did my mum, because they were on low wages so they had no choice. A lot of the time, my sister looked after me until she started holiday work/Saturday jobs. Then at 7 years old, I was on my own, a latch key kid but I dont blame my parents
I thinik you and yours have worked it out well.

It doesn't look suspect at all. Why are you trying to stir trouble for the OP?

Oh my word you are having to re-explain yourself so many times! Clearly for anyone with 1/2 a brain yanbu. Tell family and friends again - patiently - and once you have explained tell them what you told us - that you are fed up of it and you don’t want to hear it again. Clearly your husband is lovely, hardworking, you are grateful for him, him for you, your kids are happy - enjoy it and let the moaners have their moan. Congrats to you sounds like youve made some wise decisions, enjoy them Xx

Are you sure they’re judging and not just sympathising?

It feels like a weird thing to be judgemental of as no one has enough leave to cover all the school holidays unless they’re on term-time contracts.

i actually think your dh is really lucky! Dh was never able to take random days off in school holidays. By the time the 2 week shut down and a week at Christmas and bank holidays were taken out of leave allowance, there weren’t many days left. They used to have to pull names out of a hat for who got time off during school holidays, with everyone guaranteed one school holiday week off if they wanted one, but no odd days during school holidays as they were taken by everyone wanting full weeks. Dh works in a factory, there’s no flexi time, these are the hours and overtime is mandatory. Your FIL would not be impressed! BuT you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do to pay the bills!

your Dh has what sounds like a really good set up and it works for you and that’s all that matters.