Dh gets judged constantly for not taking time off in school holidays

[Mydogsmellsofwee]

His parents do this all the time, despite knowing our circumstances and so do some of our friends.

It’s half term next week and two of the families we are closest to are lucky enough that the dads are self employed trades people and so don’t tend to book work in school holidays. Me and the children are doing a couple of things next week with the familes and once again, it’s all “oh is your dh not coming? Doesn’t he take time off work?”

Every bloody school holiday we get this. And from PIL.

One of our DDs goes to a selective school 45 mins away. The school bus service is eye wateringly expensive and the routes are long - she would be on the bus 90mins each way. We don’t live in the nicest place so I don’t want her getting public transport and there is no direct route anyway, it would still be a PITA. It makes more sense for dh to drive her (I can no longer drive due to a medical condition).

His work is fairly flexible, he works from home 4 days a week and can make up time.

But school holidays, with no school run is where he can go into the office everyday and really plough through and be at his desk 9-5 (or 6) with no distractions.

He does take off a couple of weeks in the summer holidays, but it makes far more sense to take the rest of his time off in term time so it’s less of a rush with school runs and we often get a long weekend away as he takes off school inset days.

It works for us, but my god, even when people know this, and I explain again and again, I get the faux shock, or even people asking why he doesn’t want to be off when the children are. It makes him sound like a bit of a prick who is avoiding his children, but he’s literally worked his entire working life around getting dd to and from this amazing school which she worked so hard to get in to and loves.

And even if he did take all the holidays off, he gets 6 weeks holiday, not 13, so he wouldn’t be around for all of them anyway.

Yes, dh and dd have a shared love of music and languages. So on the drive, they are learning a language together or listening to music. Dd really enjoys it and so does dh.

Just say ‘it’s what works for us’ smiling, on repeat

They’re probably concerned dad is having fun with his annual leave and you’re not and it’s not fair

I mean child free fun, children can be fun too of course!

That's a hideous amount of driving he's doing
I wouldnt judge but I would be astonished you didn't just suck it up and pay for the school transport

Could he not take one day off and you all do something as a family?

Type all this up on pieces of paper and keep handy in your bag. When anyone says anything (especially repeat offenders), hand them it to read. They'll get the message.

I’m working all next week, dh is off for a couple of days and we will juggle the kids around some wfh the other two. In the six weeks holidays my husband can wfh and will probably take the kids to our family place abroad for some periods as he can. I’ll be at work. We will have a week off altogether and then I’ve booked Mondays off to do things. We make it work. I couldn’t give a shit what other people think. I also use random days of leave in term time to rest as I’m chronically ill. We make it work. We suit our family. Anything else just has to be ignored as noise.

He takes two weeks in the summer holidays and usually October half term.

And why would I mind him making his life less stressful? He does so much for us and works so hard so I can be at home with the children and not have the stress of working with my medical condition.

FWIW, he would never go away with friends. He likes to spend his time at home with the kids. He encourages me too go away for weekends with friends though.

Its normal for parents to work in school holildays, without the hideous school run.

I oresume moving closer is out of the question (for everyones quality of life, not for more time off in school holidays)

I get this as well. Me and DH work 9-5 jobs with limited holidays each. I am constantly asked to do things during the school holidays, but we only get a few weeks each and we prefer to take them as a family where possible, so after a week at Christmas, the two family
holidays we take, and then a few odd days here and there it only leaves about 2 weeks each so I can’t possibly be around for every school holiday! The kids go for a combination of holiday club, family help and then DH and I will split the remaining days between us but I am constantly met with surprise when I explain that no I’m not free next Tuesday for a soft play date as I’m working!

Spending three hours a day on a school bus is not ideal for any school pupil, let alone a teenager with a lot of homework to get through.

I'm also rather amused by your confidence in the provision of convenient and reliable public transport in this country.

I think people have missed the part where he takes two weeks off in the summer holidays, Oct half term (depending on work projects, if it’s not the whole week, it’s certainly 3 days) and every inset day.

Plus, every weekend, he’s with us. He’s with them now playing in the garden. He’s always with us when he’s not at work.

How does she get to matches, rehearsals, friends houses? How does she see her friends during the holidays?

It sounds like your whole family is under pressure - and that doesn’t sound sustainable. My dh works largely from home (in a corner of our bedroom), and those are the days that he gets the most productive work done (he starts working around 8.00am (as he has no commute), and has set times when he comes down to have lunch, and make a drink (once in the morning, once in the afternoon). He typically works til about 7.30pm). He tends to go into work (with approx 50 min commute each way) only once or twice a week, and he usually loads meetings into that time.

Why can’t your dh stay at home in the half terms, as at least then he could have lunch with you all, and he’d get more done without all the commuting? The nature of my dh’s work means he can’t usually take time off during half-terms, which I find really difficult (I’d love to be able to have more family trips out, or just chilling at home together, during half terms).

But 3 hours commuting for the school run each day is very extreme. And it likely means your dd can’t socialise with friends outside of school. I would prioritise a closer school - or would move house and move the whole family closer to the school, if the school was that much of a priority.

The experience of my dc’s friends really suggests that ‘success’ is not necessarily all about which school you go to - some went to selective schools, some went to indie schools, and some went to the nearest comprehensive, which was essentially in special measures when the dc were in year 7/8/9. But there were dc (and their parents) from all of those different schools bumping into each other at uni offer holder days for Bristol / Exeter / York / Warwick etc when they were all in year 13…

How weird - did his father take half terms off?

You do what works for your family.

I don’t see the point of DH and I both taking time off to cover school holidays unless we actually go away on holiday. Otherwise it’s a waste of AL. We’re perfectly capable of taking the kids to the zoo or the soft play centre on our own.

It’s different for your friends’ husbands if they’re tradesmen. They can easily take time off and then make up for it by working weekends / longer hours, so they’re not sacrificing AL or income.

it’s the only grammar in the county. One of her friends lives a hour and a half in the opposite direction. children come from all over the place. There aren’t many girls who live near the school. It’s not like they all live in one area and dd is the odd one out.

The school obviously know this so they don’t have things where the children have to travel backwards and forwards.

We make it work. One who lives an hour away is arriving this afternoon for a sleepover. Then dh will drive them both back tomorrow night for dd stay at her house where another friend, who also lives far away will join them. The girls mum is going to drop dd home on Tuesday.

It works out.

Plus, all dds old primary school friends live walking distance and she sees them all the time too.

Why do you allow these questions and these discussions? Nip it in the bud. You owe zero explanation to anyone.

Yes. He was self employed and earned loads of money. He doesn’t seem to understand that it’s not the same for dh.

Will he have Monday (Bank Holiday,) off?

That will be 5days out of nine for family time.

Because in half terms, the house is usually filled with my children’s friends.

Dh has a lot of meetings. It’s quite hard with children running in and out of the house laughing and shouting.

I have addressed the school question. It’s a selective school so a hell of a lot of children come from long distances away. It does work out with friends.

It was a school she wanted to go to and worked really hard to get into. We could move closer, but we have a teeny tiny mortgage where we are now. If we moved, it would be a smaller house for far more money. We decided to stay here and take the travel for a while. We may move in future if our other dd goes to that school, but she’s only in reception, that’s years off and situations change all the time.

This works for us, right now.

Yes of course he has bank holiday Monday off. Dd is sleeping over at a friends house so we are taking our 5 year old to some god awful Bluey thing.

We never really get away together bar the odd long weekend as DH runs his own business which is in higher demand Feb-Oct.
Christmas is the only time we take any substantial time off as my work closes for around 10 days and as it’s his quietest time of year he takes the same time off.
No one mentions anything though because most of our friends/relatives work year around anyway.
They seem to not take much time off together to cut down on childcare costs over the holidays, so one parent will take time off and then swap.
I would just shrug it off, it’s off his parents mentioning though, surely they know why he doesn’t take much time off.

Some of the best conversations you have with your kids are when driving

I bet your DH knows all the stuff that’s happening day to day an not just the naice stuff at half term

Above all else this works for you