Dh gets judged constantly for not taking time off in school holidays

[Mydogsmellsofwee]

His parents do this all the time, despite knowing our circumstances and so do some of our friends.

It’s half term next week and two of the families we are closest to are lucky enough that the dads are self employed trades people and so don’t tend to book work in school holidays. Me and the children are doing a couple of things next week with the familes and once again, it’s all “oh is your dh not coming? Doesn’t he take time off work?”

Every bloody school holiday we get this. And from PIL.

One of our DDs goes to a selective school 45 mins away. The school bus service is eye wateringly expensive and the routes are long - she would be on the bus 90mins each way. We don’t live in the nicest place so I don’t want her getting public transport and there is no direct route anyway, it would still be a PITA. It makes more sense for dh to drive her (I can no longer drive due to a medical condition).

His work is fairly flexible, he works from home 4 days a week and can make up time.

But school holidays, with no school run is where he can go into the office everyday and really plough through and be at his desk 9-5 (or 6) with no distractions.

He does take off a couple of weeks in the summer holidays, but it makes far more sense to take the rest of his time off in term time so it’s less of a rush with school runs and we often get a long weekend away as he takes off school inset days.

It works for us, but my god, even when people know this, and I explain again and again, I get the faux shock, or even people asking why he doesn’t want to be off when the children are. It makes him sound like a bit of a prick who is avoiding his children, but he’s literally worked his entire working life around getting dd to and from this amazing school which she worked so hard to get in to and loves.

And even if he did take all the holidays off, he gets 6 weeks holiday, not 13, so he wouldn’t be around for all of them anyway.

Yes he knows more than me!

I’m always filling him in on what our 5 year old tells me on the walks to and from school and he fills me in on what dd has told him. I’ve always found children are chattier walking/driving to and from school.

Then we get it both barrels from our eldest about office politics where he works when he gets home from work!

Christmas, his office shuts from the 23rd December to Jan 2nd, so thats a nice chunk too.

I'm amazed at people thinking both parents being off for large chunks of every school holiday is normal.

Granted I'm an old gimmer of 50 but when I was a kid my dad was a postman and he had two weeks in the summer and a few days over Christmas and that was it.

What I did have though was a Dad who was often around when I got home from school when I was small (he'd do a walk come home for the afternoon/early evening then do another shift in the sorting office), and when I was older he worked nights, came home, drove me to the station to get the train to college, went to bed and was around when I got home again.

Your husband isn't opting out of spending time with your family, he's just organising it a different way that works for all of you. I'm really sorry people are too short-sighted to realise that (I also wonder if there's a bit of jealousy in some cases re how well your DD has done and that he's able to support her by doing the school runs).

Right - well the answer to every comment is, "unfortunately I am/he is not self-employed."

No, there’s no jealousy. People we know with kids the same age - anyone can do the 11+, even though we don’t live close to the grammar. They chose not to. DDs best friend from primary chose a school 25 mins away, they didn’t all go local (schools here aren’t great). Everyone was so supportive of her and so proud.

We are not from this area originally, we only moved here 5 years ago. It used to be really, really cheap. So the people we know, while their homes are worth 300k now, when they bought them 15- 20 years ago, you could still buy a 3 bed house here for 50k. So obviously, that now affords them so much flexibility in their working lives as they don’t have mortgages. Many of them are in trades which offers even more flexibility, so they see the world in a different way I guess.

Re the commuting - that's the whole point. She doesn't have to spend 3 hours commuting on the school bus because her dad takes her to and from school, which would be a much quicker journey as it doesn't involve going all over the place dropping other kids off along the way. He can only do that because he works from home during term-time and only goes into the office during some of the school holidays.

The way the family organises things at the moment works well. That isn't the issue at all.

The problem the OP has is not the school run, but the annoying family members complaining and saying her DH should take time off during all the school holidays. As if that's what all dads do.

Judgers gonna judge. You are not going to change human nature. Why waste a moment's thought on it?

I think you are over explaining if you are asked if he is off just say "no, not this time we have booked holiday time together in July (or whenever next off time off for inset or October half term whatever is) when it's quieter/weather is hopefully better/were will be ready for a good break. And then move conversation on

I think the issue is that he takes 2 weeks in the summer, sometimes October half term. So that leaves something like 2 weeks which he takes in term time. So they are probably wondering why he is doing that.

I think the whole commute & living in a rough area sounds a bit mad. I would prefer a smaller house in a nice area. Could you not move nearer the school?

I think it’s a shame people travel so far for grammar school. I went to a grammar school in the 80s and there was a catchment area. So all the girls were within something like 5 miles of the school. I can see why you want her at a grammar school but the commute sounds so long.

Can you not work at all? If you could bring in say £300/month it would cover the bus. Or perhaps the in laws could help (you say they are well off).

I’d answer ‘wow, you asked me exactly the same question last half term and I explained the situation in some detail - do you really not remember? Guess there is no point repeating myself now then is there <laughs>, another drink?

Oh just ignore the busy bodies op, they need to get a life.

Or just ask them "why does this seem to bother you so much?"

The 2 weeks he takes of annual leave during term time is the only part that's confusing me.

You said he does take a couple of weeks off in the summer holidays so I presume you all have a holiday together then. Everyone else can keep their snouts out! He's working to earn money for his family!

Op said it works for them and they all seem happy. I cant see how thats confusing tbh, op explained it fairly clearly.

The school bus is a ridiculously long journey as it goes all round the houses picking children up.

Dh doesn’t mind the drive. When dd is with him, they chat and listen to music. When he’s driving without her he says he has time to think and for work.

We did think about moving. But we decided to stay. It’s best for us financially and we have friends here. The area isn’t the greatest, but there are some people like us, it’s not all bad, we have some good times. Dd likes it here as all her primary friends are here and she sees them all the time and we LOVE our house (the benefit of knowing loads of trades people is mates rates from people we trust, so we have turned it in to what we’ve always wanted).

We may move in the future, but for now, we are staying. But a house we could realistically buy nearer the school - those areas aren’t much better than we are now. Why would he buy a worse house, take on a bigger mortgage (we only have something like 60k left on ours now), to live in an area that’s not much better? Things change, dh keeps getting promoted, in a few years, things might look different.

We are also only a 5 min drive from dh office here, which makes it easy for him, and 5
mins from the in laws, who, when they aren’t being dicks about school holidays, are great. We also have adult ds to think about. While he won’t be at home forever and will probably move out in the year or two, his office is only a short walk away.

Yes we go on holiday in those two weeks.

He does all the school runs, 45 mins each way so your dc can attend a good school. That alone means he's probably doing more for his dc on a daily basis than most of the other dads (who take school holidays off for, let's be honest, the 'fun' stuff). Where they also have 'mum' around sharing the load ( or probably taking on most of it). Just ignore .

Why does that confuse you?

He takes two weeks off in term time so he can do the school run and not have to juggle work around it. It’s a bit of a break for him.

It gives him time to get on with DIY when the children are at school as he likes to spend the time with them when they are at home.

I also try and arrange my hospital appointments and scans for then too so he can drive me there.

It’s also nice as we can go out for lunch together.

They get three hours of quality time 5 days a week - in the car.

I'm amazed at people thinking both parents being off for large chunks of every school holiday is normal.
This, I would have thought being self employed would be harder to take time off. When my DH was self employed he had to work most of the time. you don't get holiday pay. He only took 1 week off in the summer holidays and never at the other half terms.

He spends 4 weeks with his kids in tje holidays across summer, October and Christmas. Plus weekends, bank holidays, inset days. And has plenty of 1 on 1 time with his DD in the car.
So ignore any "avoiding the kids" comments as it sounds likely he will only have an extra 1 or 2 weeks he could possibly take anyway.

However your set up of living in "a shit hole" where you (non-driver) can't walk your dog without receiving verbal abuse and wouldn't dream of taking a bus doesn't sound great.

You mentioned about having your kids friends over and them visiting friends, but I'd expect life would be a lot more relaxed and freeflowing if you lived somewhere with usable walks and parks and public transport so you could do other things with both kids in the holidays. Is it really such a shithole?

not all of it is a shithole, but parts are pretty grim. While you do see lots of children at bus stops in the mornings, there are always a few parents hanging around to make sure they are okay.

It’s a shithole to me as I am from a place very, very different from this, if that makes sense.

We do have useable walks - I live sandwiched between a nature reserve and a forest, I am out walking my dog two hours a day.

And yeah, you often get some wrong’un shouting at you. I’m 46. I shout at them to go and fuck themselves back. But I don’t want my daughter to have to do that.

No one I know lets their daughters roam around alone (or sons). They all get lifts to school.

OP its simple
"I have explained this to you many times. I will not discuss it again. If you raise the subject again, I will leave."

Think through a couple of tart responses that you or Dh should use.

BIL did this to PIL when they commented on BIL and family not having a holiday for the second/third summer in a row, whereas we went somewhere every year. It was meant as a dig at SIL who was a SAHM then whereas MIL went back to work when BIL was at school, but BIL asked them if they could remember how many holidays they’d taken him on when he was a kid. The answer was hardly any. I don’t think they ever said anything about that again.

I suppose it all depends on the age of the kids.
FWIW, I think it's ridiculous that people expect your dh to be available for all school holidays; no one in employment has that kind of time. Having said that, I'm either working or with my dd. I'd never get 2 weeks annual leave to do neither. It's not really the norm and I can see why people might wonder (though have no right to voice) why he mightn't use this as family time.
If my dh took a third of his annual leave during term time, I'd be upset as it would feel unfair. I'm a teacher so I'm always on the clock either at school or home.