Dh gets judged constantly for not taking time off in school holidays

[Mydogsmellsofwee]

His parents do this all the time, despite knowing our circumstances and so do some of our friends.

It’s half term next week and two of the families we are closest to are lucky enough that the dads are self employed trades people and so don’t tend to book work in school holidays. Me and the children are doing a couple of things next week with the familes and once again, it’s all “oh is your dh not coming? Doesn’t he take time off work?”

Every bloody school holiday we get this. And from PIL.

One of our DDs goes to a selective school 45 mins away. The school bus service is eye wateringly expensive and the routes are long - she would be on the bus 90mins each way. We don’t live in the nicest place so I don’t want her getting public transport and there is no direct route anyway, it would still be a PITA. It makes more sense for dh to drive her (I can no longer drive due to a medical condition).

His work is fairly flexible, he works from home 4 days a week and can make up time.

But school holidays, with no school run is where he can go into the office everyday and really plough through and be at his desk 9-5 (or 6) with no distractions.

He does take off a couple of weeks in the summer holidays, but it makes far more sense to take the rest of his time off in term time so it’s less of a rush with school runs and we often get a long weekend away as he takes off school inset days.

It works for us, but my god, even when people know this, and I explain again and again, I get the faux shock, or even people asking why he doesn’t want to be off when the children are. It makes him sound like a bit of a prick who is avoiding his children, but he’s literally worked his entire working life around getting dd to and from this amazing school which she worked so hard to get in to and loves.

And even if he did take all the holidays off, he gets 6 weeks holiday, not 13, so he wouldn’t be around for all of them anyway.

It was me that muddied the water with too much info to be fair.

The actual post should have read “dh close friends and family don’t understand that he has 5 weeks holiday and can’t take 13 like they do/did.”

That’s all. The school, the driving, the fact that he has to make the hour and a half a day he takes off by not taking all 5 weeks in the school holidays (which let’s face it, would be pretty rare for a working parent anyway), is all a red herring really. I brought it on myself!

Although the monitory in your friendship group, this sounds pretty typical of most households to me.

Surely most people have to work in the school holidays and just use annual leave for a summer holiday, Christmas, etc?

My PILs both worked in schools. Despite DH and I having worked full time for nearly 20 years now, they still don’t understand that we ‘only’ get 6 weeks a year in annual leave and don’t have the entire school holidays off. It’s like it’s a shock to them every time!

I know!

I always think they could make so much more money if they worked more and it’s a pain in the arse having to wait until September for building work 🤣

Dh best mate, the builder, did our loft extention and we had to wait until after the summer for him to start as he wanted to take it off. His wife works in a school.

But he prioritises different things. He worked hard when he was younger to get himself in this position, and like I said, when you managed to by a house for 50k when you were 21, life is pretty sweet when you are older and the property market explodes where you live.

Yep, FIL ran his own company and by the time dh and his siblings came along, he was in a position where he could just stuff the holidays. MIL is from abroad and still had a family home where she’s from, so they would all pack up and go there for the school holidays. FIL would just do occasional bits of he needed to by phone and fax apparently.

MIL worked as school support staff so had holidays off.

SIL ans BIL teachers.

So DD is 16 or thereabouts?!

She’s 13, year 8.

So bitchy and unnecessary.

We couldn't choose a selective school for my eldest GC because of the travelling, luckily the senior school not far from where they live, is very good and has a designated bus. I think that you are doing the right thing. I have to take the youngest to her primary school on public transport (they moved closer to the high school). We have more conversations than we've ever had. All in it's over an hour a day. Then we work together to put her stuff away, get changed and clean/tidy her bedroom. The time in the car and what he does take off, is enough. He has time to listen to her and that's the important bit.

Yeah which is why I don’t get some of the people who were saying “it’s awful that he takes two weeks anual leave while the children are in school.”

Are you supposed to be a martyr and NOT take your leave if it’s not possible to take it when your children are off?

I am sure it’s unusual to be lucky enough to be able take all your AL in school holidays, so do these people just not take the rest of the time off to prove what amazing parents they are, they would only take time off if their children were there too?

Are they suggesting he takes time off when you already are off with the kids?

Both parents being off with the kids during half term is a luxury no family I know can afford!

Occasionally DH OR I will have a couple of days off during half terms but mostly the kids are at holiday club. Noone has ever commented or judged!

With family and close friends I really would say “look, I am sick and tired of the judgy comments. You know our situation now can you please just keep your mouths shut. DH is an amazing dad and this is what we need to do to make this work for our family”.

Who says the school run isn’t quality time? Spending one to one time to chat with dad isn’t something most kids have!
Quality time on a daily basis is in my opinion superior to performance parenting in the holidays…. Plus going to a good school will open opportunities for the kids. And seeing that dads care for the daily grind (and not just the fun stuff in the holidays) in itself is great for them.

They just can’t seem to grasp that he can’t take time off as he pleases like they do/did.

It’s not about thinking he should be “helping” in the holidays or anything it’s more like “next week is going to be sunny, let’s all go camping!” And it’s like, dh can’t come, he’s working, he can’t just decide to take the week off on a whim.

Well, no, 90 minutes - and only one of them does.

It appears that the issue around taking your daughter to school has only arisen over the last couple of years. What did you do about holidays before then?

And if she got the bus to school; or grew wings and flew there and back, she wouldn’t even get that as it wouldn’t translate into dh being able to take all his holiday entitlement while she was off school anyway.

I think this is the part that people aren’t grasping.

Never apologise for having a husband who’s actually Involved in day to day life. Taking holidays off for fun is easy. Doing the daily stuff us when you can see the difference between an amazing parent and a Disney parent

He got a big promotion just as she got a place at the school. So he’s arranged his “entire working life” around it in that sense.

His entire working life has actually been from the age of 16 to 44, so no, that’s not exactly what I meant. I meant his working life in the last two years.

He discussed arrangements with his boss to be able to block out an hour and a half a day and he was bloody lucky to be able to do so, I don’t think many people at a senior level could do that.

Our house was actually on the market as we knew dd was probably going to get into the school despite the competition, she’s bloody amazing.

We were going to take the financial hit and move closer, to a smaller house in an area that wouldn’t have been much better than this one. But then it was actually advice on here (!) where a few people said why doesn’t your husband ask for flexible working in term time and make up for it in the school holidays. And so when he was negotiating this promotion, he did and it worked out well.

But the fact comments from family and friends? They have been going on for fucking years, before this school. They don’t understand why he can’t come to a picnic in the park on a random Tuesday in August.

He ran his own company yet doesn’t have the knowledge that most people have 5 weeks AL?
Did he employ people?

The same as now. He couldn’t take all his AL in school holidays. Too many people also wanting to. So shock horror, he took a couple of weeks off while they were at school, or took days off here and there.

That’s no issue. It’s very normal for working parents.

The only difference was, he didn’t really have to get his head down in the holidays like he does now to make up the time, he could work from home a couple of days a week, on days the house wasn’t rammed with the children’s friends making a racket.

With this new job though, it’s harder to work from home with the children around anyway as there are a hell of a lot mote online meetings. It’s best if he’s locked away in a quiet room at his office.

I don’t know, you’d have to ask him. All I know is, he expects dh to be like him. He should have had his own business or been a teacher.

He’s one of the “life is for living, not working”
people. Which is great if you’ve made a mint from your own business like him but it’s not the same for everyone .

I think your set up sounds good OP, and it works for you all. The only issue here are your obtuse family and friends (and some of the posters on this thread). I would reflect their bewilderment back at them if it happens again 'surely i have explained this before' WIDE EYES AND CONFUSED 'do you not remember? Are you ok?'

People don’t listen, or don’t care to listen…

In a similar vein, my FiL (retired teacher) never managed to grasp that DH is salaried and does what the job requires of him time-wise. So DH might say ‘I worked until late this week to make sure the project was delivered on time’ or whatever. And FIL would invariably say ‘But they will pay you overtime for that so it’s ok.’ DH would reply ‘Er no dad, remember I’m salaried like you were as a teacher…there is no overtime I do what the job requires.’ This conversation would come up every time DH mentioned his work pattern! He works in a specialist area of finance and has a degree and post graduate qualifications and FIL still behaved as though he was doing a Saturday job 😂. He always seemed surprised and it was as though the previous 30 conversations about it hadn’t taken place! He only stopped it when DH pushed back a bit and started asking questions back ‘What job do I do again dad and how am I paid?’ When the ball was back in his court he could remember the state of play all of a sudden! In your shoes I would try to be putting the element of surprise on the fact that they’d asked again rather than the fact your DH isn’t available.

You do what works best for you and your family. Your husband sounds like a very loving, hard working man and definitely does his fair share 😊