How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

I’d tell him how annoying it is and tell him it’s not okay 🤷‍♀️ then when he asks another irritating or impertinent question id remind him that you’ve already told him it’s not okay to do that.

Agree. Best to stop pandering to this sort of behaviour. Children need to be taught to respect boundaries. Around this age boys begin to tower over women already. Imagine how intimidating op will find this in a few years time.

I am assuming that he doesn't do this with your DH & so DH doesn't see it as an issue.

I discussed this with my sister at lunch today. She had two comments - firstly that her H did this to her while he was having an affair. Secondly, that it sounds like paranoia - what is he looking at either on his phone or when he’s gaming?

You mean like he’s trying to figure out where she’ll be at all times so he doesn’t get caught doing something he shouldn’t? That might be a possibility, but it sounds like the questions go a bit into irrelevant territory if that was case.

Where are you doing? Who are you meeting? How long are you going to be?
= all might be questions you’d ask if you were planning something and didn’t want to get caught.

But: why are you wearing that? Why are you hot? (when it’s 30c outside).
= imo a bit weird and just designed to create an interrogatory (is that a word?) vibe for the Op.

The answers to those questions wouldn’t matter if he just wanted to do something he wasn’t supposed to in the house. She’s also mentioned the tone he seems to have, like he’s got an attitude about her.

I think when you’ve had enough you could say “that’s enough questions now.” He should be able to understand that, unless he has special needs in which case it would be a different situation. Your ‘D’H really should be backing you up on this.

OP, why are you working 2 jobs? Who’s the higher earner between you and your husband? Sorry that sounds a bit nosy, I’m just wondering if you’re being exploited.
Do you know what kind of stuff your dss is accessing online when he’s with his mum, any chance he’s on red pill sites? He’s way out of line talking to you in that tone and your husband should be backing you up.

Ah yes the voice of reason!

I had previously said to try a few different things and to bombard DH so he knows what it’s like too… however @Whowhenwhat you make a valid point here.
Also @StepmumWorries with teenage years fast approaching remember you are role modelling to him… so when he asks these questions answering sarcastically or telling him it’s private etc might not be the correct response - unless in a years time when you need to know where and who he is off out with you want a similar response.

i agree the best response is just to be the adult and tell him that you don’t mind one or 2 questions but that he’s just asked you 6 and it’s too much!!

I also don’t think your husband should deal with this. You should @StepmumWorries!
Your step son needs to see that you’re strong, able to stand your ground and don’t go running to a man for help - this is the old fashioned ‘wait till I speak to your dad about this’ style of parenting!… we don’t need dad to talk to him…. You need to! He will respect you a lot more if you tell him straight that you love spending time with him but the questions are annoying!

I agree. He's only at his mum's house from 7.30pm for 4 nights/week, term time only, and spends all that time gaming in his room. You're actually the female adult he spends most time with. He sounds very insecure, he must feel quite rejected by his biological mum.

I don't think he is doing it to piss you off or to be controlling.

It sounds on balance very much like an anxiety based behaviour. By questioning you in this way, he is trying to make thing predictable and certain. This may be because of his past and current experiences. It may be amplified by an underlying neurodiversity.

Either way, consider seeking counselling and therapy, perhaps initially as a family. He doesn't sound happy and neither do you.

The child has 2 parents to deal with his 'anxiety'. He is making the OP's life a misery. The parents should be sorting it out.

OP can deal with it as a step-parent but the father should be backing her up.

Can I ask why the time spent with each parent is split this way? Why didn’t your husband want for example week about?

Either way, consider seeking counselling and therapy, perhaps initially as a family. He doesn't sound happy and neither do you.
Insisting on counselling and therapy will alienate the stepmother further. It will make her look like the problem when the problem is the parenting or lack of it.

It seems to me that he’s looking for connection and reassurance, for whatever reason.

In your position, I wouldn’t withdraw or dismiss him. I would lean in. Answer his questions fulsomely. Ask him similar questions back. Converse as much as possible. Whatever’s going on, he needs your attention. When he’s had it for a while he may relax.

Bloody hell

Do not do that OP, definitely do not bend even further for someone who’s making your life a misery and makes you want to hide in your own house.

You are a person too.

Seems any parent would tell their child to stop being annoying /asking questions etc

so you need to do the same @StepmumWorries as you are being a parent to him - regardless that you didn’t give birth to him

Bloody hell Indeed. A nearly-13 y.o. being an arse should be pandered too by the stepmother because he is armchair-diagnoses ND/suffering from PTSD/separation anxiety/... not because he's not being parented properly.
The stepmother should ignore her prior commitments like work to focus on the step-kid's 'needs'.

Unfortunately, good parenting involves self-sacrifice.

It’s not the same as a relationship of equals. The parent needs to accept the responsibility they have taken on.

There’s no need for her to be robotically compliant but she needs to be supportive and patient and interested. This is a crucial window in the child’s life where parenting could make the difference between making him and breaking him. Kids don’t have the vocabulary to explain what’s going on until years later.

A good parent is a strong, calm leader. Not bitter and resentful about how their child is disrupting their peace.

It’s a very difficult job.

The child has two parents. Parenting and step-parenting are not the same.
The parents should be doing the parenting.

If your DH is going to be a useless tit and not deal with it, then he can't complain when you do.

Firstly you should absolutely pull him up on his tone. And I would not have answered any of those questions. I would have told him not to be nosy.

At 12 he is old enough for you to tell him clearly to stop asking so many questions as it is irritating.

Your husband needs to step up. Or you will have to be blunt your DSS is 12. Sit him down and tell him you love and care for him very much but his constant questioning is rude and inappropriate. Put some laminated cards on yr fridge and point to the answer. If this annoys your husband all the better. When you ask your DH or DP to help you with an ongoing issue he needs to help you, his not finding it irritating is irrelevant YOU DO. My head would explode if I were you.

How are you @StepmumWorries ? Hope you’ve been able to get your DH to recognise how wearing this is for you and make some progress with your DSS!

@StepmumWorries have things improved yet? What did you decide to do?