How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

It's possible he is a little shit as some pps have said. It's also possible that he sees you as the female constant in his life, feels insecure and confused about that because he knows you're not his mum, but wants you to be. I think I would proceed on the basis of the latter because if it is that and you try to deal with it as the former, you could really hurt him.

Does he know - have you told him really explicitly - that you love him and will always be there for him? (Do you hold back from doing this because you don't want to overstep?)

I would take him out for a heart to heart 1:1 time, a drive or dinner or something. Tell him how much he means to you and that sometimes you feel he maybe worries about that. Tell him you have noticed he constantly asks questions but only to you, and does that mean he is constantly seeking certainty from you, why does he think that is? And work out with him a way it can stop. 12 is still young.

I don't think this is on your DH to sort actually. This is between you and your DSS. He isn't your son, but you've been the primary woman in his life for as long as he can remember.

The boy's mother is the primary woman in his life for as long as he can remember, @ReprogramNeeded .

She isn't, though. He doesn't see a lot of her.

She has him Monday to Thursday or Friday morning every week. @ReprogramNeeded .

OP wants children of her own.

OP has said DSS is in breakfast club and after school club every day, GPs do school run, and when he is with his mum from 730pm he's in his room. Then when not at school he's with his dad and OP. It doesn't sound like any quality time with his mum. He could be really confused about his feelings for OP vs his mum, could be insecure that as you say OP could have a baby of her own, or could split up with his dad. (It's all speculation of course but OP has asked how to deal with it and to deal with it she needs to understand whats causing it ! )

Used to do this to my dad (no idea why looking back) and then one day he turned around and told me little children only get 20 questions a day or their heads explode… great parenting from him as ever but it did work

It might not work if he’s nearly 13, but it’s worth a try!

I would jokingly make a bit of a game about it, hand him 5 paper tokens and say they are his question tokens for the day and to use them wisely 👀 😂

Answer his question with another question.

Once you get the hang of it it can be quite therapeutic.

If you want kids of your own, this is not a good relationship to have them in. Your bf's son is challenging you in the home and making you uncomfortable. Your bf put you down in from of his son when you tried to say something about his relentless questioning.

How do you think his son would take it if you got pregnant? He's already making you uncomfortable and I think he wants you gone.

Your bf won't stand up for you and won't stand you trying to stand up for yourself.

Think about those things for a bit. Is this a loving and supportive household and family to bring a baby into? I think not.

If it were me and DH was being so unhelpful I would answer every single question with "ask your father". He'll either stop asking or go and bother DH - either way is a win,

She cheated and left DH after getting pregnant, if that makes you feel better at all.

I’ve had a very busy weekend at work - and working til silly o clock today with the bank holiday! But I’m going to catch up tomorrow. I really appreciate everyone’s comments and advice. I feel emboldened to bloody fix this once and for all x

So what’s gonna be your method @StepmumWorries

ignore
answer each time with a question
I don’t know. ask your dad
you have 5 questions then no more

or

It sounds to me like the pattern of your life is quite different from the pattern of his parents.

Im probably assuming things here but during the week he goes home to mum’s after school and her focus is on him between school and bedtime. And when he’s asleep she’s sitting on the sofa.

Dad’s focus when he arrives for the weekend is on him. Not working, not going out, takeaway, film, sofa.

Your pattern is different - work, out, phone calls, time to yourself. Plus you’re purposely giving him time with his dad so you’re (wisely in my opinion) excluding yourself a bit from family things too.

Thats completely normal, but it’s not DS’s experience of other caregivers - you’re just more interesting and got more of your own stuff going on during his time with you. There may also be a bit of anxiety in the background - perhaps she loves me less because she’s more focused on her own stuff.

Id just have a conversation with him along the lines of “I’ve noticed you ask me a lot of questions about what I’m doing all the time, but don’t ask dad similar things. What’s that about?”

I would tell your dh that he needs to speak to his son and tell him to stop questioning you all the time.
I know you have already tried this but tell him again.
If he tries to brush it off, stand firm and tell him, no it is getting in your nerves.
Have you tried turning everything back on your ss.
So ‘why are you sitting on the sofa?’
’Why do you think I am sitting on the sofa?’
’What are you doing in your office?’
’What do you think I am doing?’
If he answers with a vague response, do not engage. Just look at him and let the answer hang there.
Make it hard work for him too. Make his inane questions make him have to come up with an answer.
Do this with every single question he asks.

Bat everything back to him.
I have used this, nit with a step child but another relative, and it does work.

It makes it hard work and annoying for them and also highlights the stupidity of all the questions.
He is 12 and should be using critical thinking. He isn’t 4.

The only children I know who ask persistent questions of this type/intensity are ND.

OP, you seem overly cautious to parent your step son - maybe your DH has made you feel you shouldn't say anything to him. But having boundaries is normal.

You need a clear conversation with DH that you are allowed to be clear with your step son when you don't like certain behaviours and he should back you up. This is a normal part of caring for a child.

You have your step son's teenage years looming on the horizon and are truly going to hate every minute if you are not allowed to have boundaries and stop behaviours that are disrespectful like any parent would.

What happened three years ago? There will be something that triggered this.
You seem sure that it is not anxiety behaviours but I am not so sure. When you look at his life, who is there for him consistently? What experiences does he have with people and day to day life? Is he interested in girls? Do you act differently to his Mum ( do you get your nails done? Do you go out with friends? Does Mum work? Etc) is he trying to expand his understanding of the world through you?
He may not realised that his questions appear accusing. It sound like when he is at Mums he spends a lot of time on his own gaming. is there a chance his emotional needs are being neglected there?

He’s 12

He’s 12

🤣🤣🤣

I think I’d take 2 approaches;

1. If DH is there, say ‘Ask your Dad.’ If DH isn’t listening then loudly say ‘DH, DSS wants to know why I’m going to work tonight. Can you tell him?’ Hopefully this will start to register to DH how frequent this is. Also it’s a neutral answer you can give without pandering to the questions.
2. If DH is not in the house to refer DSS to, make up the most ridiculous answer you can ‘Hollywood called & they want me to pop over to cameo in a movie tonight.’ Etc

Otherwise, as he’s 13y & you have a good relationship, can’t you just ask him why he questions you all the time? And ask him how he’d feel if you spoke to him like that?

I expect it is something to do with his strong attachment to you as it sounds like he spends more time with you than his mum. But it doesn’t mean you don’t deal with it, and I think by now you are actually in a parent role.

Sorry, but to continue my previous post, this does need dealing with. As a teenage boy you absolutely do not want him to get in the habit of questioning any future girlfriend or partner like this. Have a chat with him.