How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

If you were always collecting information, wouldn’t you already know it was 30c outside? If you’ve lived with this woman for years wouldn’t you know she wears summer dresses when it’s hot? When you’ve already asked where she’s going and who she’s seeing (and calculated the steps if necessary) would you still need to ask why she’s wearing what she’s wearing?

Sorry, no advice, but perhaps you can give your DH a taste of how it feels by questioning his every move for a week, and seeing if he starts to see the problem!

Years ago I used to walk past a house where a lady lived who used to have her 2 grandchildren to stay weekends and holidays. It’s a quiet country road. They tended to arrive Friday nights. I walked by twice a day with my dog. I used to chat with them. They seemed lovely kids, although even then the son seemed to have a bit of attitude, I felt he was jealous of his younger sister.

The kids’ parents split up.

Gradually the son became more horrible. I noticed how this affected the sister who I am quite sure would have felt intimidated by him. For instance, as I said a friendly ‘hello’ as I walked by (had been normal before) the girl replied but instantly the brother made it clear he didn’t approve of her interacting with me, and he literally sneered at me. The girl looked uncomfortable, and the next time I saw them, she averted her gaze and didn’t say hello as she used to.

I noticed how the grandmother started to have them round less and less. The last time I saw them, the girl put on a deliberate and obvious ‘disgusted’ look as I walked by, and I actually felt intimidated by the boy, such that I actually said a silent prayer! He would have been about 14. I did nothing to deserve this. I averted my gaze and carried on walking, and didn’t speak.

I gather the grandmother stopped having them completely, because I stopped seeing them, fortunately.

I mention all this because it demonstrates how behaviour like this can develop in kids if it goes unchecked. It seemed to me that this boy was not being put in his place, and he was making people around him very miserable. Yes his parents split up, which is unfortunate, but boundaries of behaviour still need to be maintained.

He's very attached to you because you provide stability for him. His learning every teeny tiny nuance is his interest in who you are. He's at that age where he is looking around at adults he likes and beginning to construct who he will become as an adult. It also means he finds you trustworthy enough for him to barrage you with these questions. If it weren't so annoying you would be flattered. He will grow out of it, become less involved, and, surprisingly, you will miss these days when he wanted to know every little thing about you. Keep calmly explaining and carry on. You're doing great!

Apologies if someone else has suggested this but if your husband can't see the problem I would do exactly the same to him. Ask him where he's going, whys he wearing that, what you reading...... and on until he snaps. Then point out youre just proving your point! X

But it's draining the op and she doesn't want to doesn't feel able to do it anymore. She dreads leaving her room when he's around. Does that count for anything?

This boy's father sounds very involved and engaged so I disagree the op is the only one providing stability. The dss is 12, that's old enough to understand that his behaviour is inappropriate - 'why are you wearing that' etc - he needs to be taught better ways to relate to people. Op would be unwise to entertain this, for the boy's sake ultimately.

I'd flip it.

The key question here IS does the child KNOW that this is NOT what social interaction at home is like? Has anyone sat him down in a routine non-threatening way (have an ice cream on a walk or a 121 picnic) and asked him during a sharing session? It could be so many reasons he does this....and it might even be that he's not aware he does it and it's a tic that gives him comfort or is from an experience. The first thing is to get him (and yourselves) to understand that it exists and the reasons for it....

Then gently work through it as he needs it to.

What if this was you as a child? How would you like adults (who are supposed to care for you) handle it?

You sound like a lovely Step-Mim x It does sound like a little bit of insecurity to me, though not sure why he would be as it sounds as if you all have a great relationship

Yes. Some individuals with ASC do. Some individuals who don't have ASC may do.

A blanket behaviour pattern doesn't exist for any of us, and every human is unique.

Would you be happy to be questioned in this level of detail by an individual with or without ASD?

Also, I was replying to an individual who was saying that she at that age had asked questions in such detail because she was always seeking to gather information. So my response was about her individual behaviour and what may or may not be reasonable if that were the case.

I have been.
It was my life....and it was my OHs life as the stay at home parent (i.e.: worked around DS as needed; I worked away from home). And we exchanged when he (DS) was 10.

In our case - acknowledging every situation is unique - it took almost a year to see the first step change. It took 6 (long and challenging) years, and me having to have the patience of a saint ( ...at least face-to-face with DS) to get to where it was okay. But it meant DS had to relearn things and I was always worried that he shouldn't change where it would not suit him and his holistic health.

Again, it's also up to the OP, and how they feel they fit in to the equation.

For me, it was our (OH and myself) responsibility to support our DS to the best of our ability with the knowledge that they were behind on maturity and prone to mental health issues, etc.

I repeat. There's no one way and the only way. Far too many variables and life is too, too messy and too, too complex.

Quiz him the same way. He'll soon stop.

Did you have an awareness of his ASD before he was 12 years old? I was thinking it would be fairly unusual for this to be the only thing in all this time to come to OP’s attention, and coupled with her DH apparently thinking she shouldn’t find it annoying it doesn’t seem like ASD to me.

I think this is a control thing and you need to take back control. Does he know how undermining and exhausting this is? Have you told him? You are the adult. You are in control.
My betting is he know exactly what this is doing to you and you are being targeted by him (deliberately or unconsciously) because you are NOT the biological parent. He is singling you out. Perhaps he is concerned you are TTC and will present him with a sibling who he feels might be a threat. Whatever. All that will come out in the wash. For the time being you need this to stop and you can make it stop.
I would be sitting down with DSS and DH separately and speaking to both. DSS is nearly 13. He has a good level of understanding. I would draw a line in the sand with him and say: “DSS, I explained to you on Friday what the plans were for this weekend and you were able to choose our activities. You know my schedule and you know I work hard both in the house and at my jobs to ensure we all have a good life.
From the minute you arrive till the minute you leave, you ask me a tonne of questions about what I am doing and why. These are very boring questions. They are intrusive and exhausting. You do not do this with anyone else, so I surmise it is both intentional and that you understand it is a rude way to behave, otherwise you would be doing it with everyone.
“I have indulged this behaviour because I love you and I want you to feel welcome and happy in our joint home but I am now changing how I approach this. I will continue to tell you the weekend plans on a Friday but I will not be answering the endless questions unless I want to so you will not get replies from me. If you really need to know something, I suggest you ask DH.
“If you want to explain why you do this or if there is something worrying you that leads you to behave in this way, I am willing to listen. If you want to engage in a more interesting conversation about what is going on in the world around us and why certain things happen, I am willing to engage but otherwise, I will not be giving you a running breakdown of my weekend activities and choices”.
Then stick to this. Use ear pods if you have to. Do not get emotional. Do not let him see he has been getting to you or has gained the upper hand. Do not plead or beseech him. He is doing this to get a rise out of you and he knows it bothers you. He finds it fun. It might not be malicious. It might be something as simple as a stupid bet with friends. (incidentally, why is he not off playing with friends at weekends? What are his friendships like?)
The key to all of this is you taking control of your life, doing your own thing and leaving DH to deal with the DSS for a bit. You are at the end of your tether, understandably. I would also plan a few weekends away by yourself, with friends or with your sister. Just remove yourself for a bit. It will do you good.
Can you book an anniversary weekend, just you and DH, and get DSS mum to have him for one weekend? Changing up the routine will help. Can you book him into some sporting or hobby activities at the weekend? He sounds bored. You are the one in control. Most young teenagers have to conform to some chores or activities at the weekend. If they don’t they end up with Little Emperor syndrome, so this is for his own good.
With DH, I’d take the same approach. I’d tell him (not ask him) what you plan to do and tell him why. Explain you are at the limit of your patience and things have to change. If he refuses to back you up, I’d be having a serious conversation about the relationship and its future. Not a threat. Just matter of factly. This is no way for you to live.
The key to all of this is you exerting control over your own life and doing what you want. You are not the dogsbody of these two males in your home and your life. You are the CEO of this family and you deserve respect. If previous experiences mean you don’t know how to assert yourself, then get help with that. It has come to something when a young teenager, who is not a blood relative, has carte blanche to ruin your happiness and equilibrium. Good luck.

Just tell him to shut up or ask him why he’s wearing a blue shirt if he asks you why you’re wearing a red dress. Turning it into a big deal with big analysis could make everything much worse if you stop feeding the behaviour he’ll stop doing it.

If your husband doesn’t see the problem start making it his problem.

Throw questions at him as you are getting. When it eventually irritates him you can agree and say it’s what I’ve been on the receiving end of from DSS.

So you can either let him know you’ll be going out for work later and back at 10pm, or tell him “not his concern”, “none of his business”, “to see a man about a dog.” There’s a boundary to be drawn here in a kind way, you are the adult and he has no business questioning you. He needs to learn this so he doesn’t annoy people outside the home.

DS was diagnosed after this. OH and I didn't know he had ASC. We accepted him as he was (in hindsight because we worked in multicultural, cosmopolitan businesses where people were so culturally different and unique and we accepted them as they were....and we didn't have anyone to compare against at that stage. But that's the simplified version. DS obviously felt safe with us and at home...(and the OH is a nurturer and patient. Whereas I had to learn to be patient! ) and didn't have shut downs...

And I agree that it may not be ASC, but it could be any number of other things whether hidden disability or psychological or ... Sadly, it falls on families to unravel and resolve behaviour.

My niece isn't ASC as far as we know but she is traumatised due to loss and witnessing abuse. She had to know whatever was happening next proactively (didn't ask questions, but would become intensely anxious if she didn't know what came next). So, no idea...we had to pick through things.

Difficult situation for OP, regardless. It's not easy living in such a situation...with so much else also happening in the world impinging on us

Sit him down and tell him that it’s not polite to question your every move, tell him that if you’re working he should leave you alone to work, if you’re on a call you will share the details of who and why IF you want to, but that it’s rude for him to constantly ask!
If the questioning continues remind him that you’ve spoken about this and you don’t want the constant questions…

what’s his relationship like with his mother? Do you think she questions his every move? Him hers? OR is it possible she quizzes him about your every move so he’s conditioned to ask you 100 questions so he can feed back to his back?

If my exh was on phone to his mam I’d sometimes ask if she was alright and what they’d spoken about, he’d always say ‘not much’….

so maybe in future when he asks either keep reminding him that he’s actually annoying you by asking, OR tell him ‘no one you know, not much, …
OR if you’re working from home and he asks why.. preempt what he’ll ask next and reply with a ‘because xyz and I’ll finish at 5, and I need to be left alone please!

Also tell your husband to support you because this is annoying you and making you dread seeing DSS & that’s sad, so could he please back you….. if DH won’t back you then start questioning him…. (When DSS isn’t around£… ask DH ‘Where you going’ - wee or poo, how long will you be on the loo for, or which shampoo, how long you going to be in shower for… question his EVERY MOVE until he snaps and then tell him that’s how you feel and you don’t appreciate a child interrogating you in your own bloody house!

Flip it…
so…
him ‘where are you going?’
@StepmumWorries - ‘where do I always go on a Saturday evening Nick?’
Him ‘work’
you ‘right!! So you already know where, and why and when I’ll be home don’t you love?!’
him ‘yes!’
you … ‘good, so maybe you can stop asking every week?!?

Does he question his Dad like this or just you? Have you told your dh how annoying his constant questioning is and can he suggest something? The stepson may be trying to wind you up or he is genuinely just curious. If the latter, and you say he’s very well-mannered and otherwise well behaved I’d treat him like an adult and say “Please ease up on the questions. I find them really exasperating.”

Op answered these questions. If you click see all you can read all of the answers.

Are you joking??
OP and her partner have this child more than the mum does!
The mum has other people doing all the school runs, dad has him all weekend and most of school holidays..
OP has said that mum literally has her son 7.30pm till he goes to bed - which lets face it at 12 years old during the week can’t be that late…. And even then he’s just in his room alone!
The people I feel most sorry for are the grandparents who by the sounds of things are run ragged

Get your husband to read this thread…

I feel like either your DSS is worried that you’ll leave - you’ve been his constant step mum since as long as he remember - he actually spends more time with you than he does his mother!
Maybe one of his step dads has cheated and left his mum, making his question your every move! Or even a friend at school has shared with him that his step mum/Dad left and he no longer sees them because they have no legal right to…
Maybe he’s sussing your relationship .. you’re his only constant that isn’t blood related/obliged to love him….

It’s that or he’s got very little respect for you!

Whatever the reason I would sit him down and ask him straight out why he feels it’s
a) acceptable
b) necessary
and c) appropriate
to constantly question you in the tone that he does!… suggest to him that you will do to him what he does to you for just 1 hour so that he can understand….
then do it…. Why are you sitting on that part of the sofa, why are you feet in that position, why that jumper, why those socks… are they clean? Have u brushed teeth today, etc…. Let him see how annoying it is! Do the same to your husband! So they can both see!!

How? - this partner of the OP impregnated a woman and fucked off - so who was supporting the pregnant woman and holding her hand?