How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

Answer every question with a question or be blunt but nice and say it’s getting annoying being asked stuff every time and go and ask dad

I couldn’t cope with that - you’re like a hostage in your room since the barrage of questions will start once you leave.

I’d just say in an irritated tone “stop asking me questions, I’m exhausted”.

OP here's another question. Why do you feel you have to answer him politely?
That little dialogue shows that he knows what he's doing and he thinks it's funny.
Normal responses would be:
Why do you need to know?
Why do you think?
Why do you think that's an appropriate question?
Oh, behave!
Cheeky beggar
Etc etc.
It worries me that despite being in this child's life for so long, you don't feel able to tell him to wind his neck in.
Like pp have said he's treating you like staff. He feels able to do this because your DH also treats you like staff, and you are allowing this to happen. Time to find a backbone.

It sounds to me like he has anxiety. This often shows itself as an obsessive need to know what is going on. It needs careful
handling otherwise you will exacerbate the problem. You also need to be on the same page as your DH or he will undermine any positive steps you take. Make sure your DSS is kept aware of how his day is likely to pan out from the moment he arrives. The time of his lunch, when he can expect to spend time with his dad or you, if you have plans to go shopping or to any activities.
My DGS has a similar condition and I find it best to spend breakfast time outlining the things that are likely to happen during the day. I sometimes even write him a list of what he can expect.
Please try not to get annoyed. It won’t stop the questioning and it will only increase his anxiety.
There is of course nothing wrong with explaining to a twelve year old he doesn’t have to know everything about your activities if they don’t affect him.

Anxiety, my arse.

So good to hear a considered opinion.

It is difficult when something starts to get under your skin .... it becomes more noticeable.
I would go with the jokey answers if ur were me. The dafter the better ...

Yet another long post this.morning telling op to spend even more of her time doing this that or the other.

No, the boy''s dad should be doing all this, if anyone is.

The more I read the more I am convinced that this child is insecure and testing you to make sure you won’t let him down. You sound like the most solid and dependable person in his life. You need your DH’s full and active support in tackling the problem.

Agreed. That kid knows exactly what he is doing.

He's probably got unlimited wi-fi access at his mum's and is looking at all sort of sites.

Indeed, and beyond that, I would have been utterly appalled at the ‘why are you dressed like that’ question and that would have been a ‘how dare you be so rude’ response’ from me. Which is possibly why my children wouldn’t speak to me like this, as theyd get short shrift.

I think most children go through a phase like this at some point, but 12 is far too old for this sort of behaviour.

He really needs you to set a boundary with him here.

You don’t need to be harsh, but you do need to push back.

Silly responses as has been suggested on the thread, is the way to go. I would imagine it’s how most parents deal with this type of situation.

If my 9 year old asked me why I was sitting on the sofa, and I asked him in response why he was sitting on the sofa, he would immediately realise how ludicrous this question was, and we would laugh about it. He wouldn’t ask me again.

If the questioning doesn’t stop, then you can absolutely be firmer with him.

I often wonder how some of the stepchildren described on here will get on as adults, given that their parents seem absolutely terrified of setting a boundary with them with regard to their stepparents.

I'd be tempted to reply with "Because I am/can" or "ask your father" then walk away/leave him to it.

Also, can you wear earbuds (not on, obvs) and pretend to be listening to a podcast and tell him it's rude to interrupt?😉

The level of scrutiny you are under from him would make my teeth itch. I'd seriously consider only answering one question (and just one, not a stream of them) per hour.

It must be like the Spanish Inquisition.🙄
💐🍸

I don't believe this is coming from anxiety at all. Even if it was, pandering to it would not be a healthy way to handle it.

OP is a stepmom whose stepchild is deliberately making her uncomfortable in her own home when he's there. He's challenging her with repetitive questioning. Her husband shut her down when she tried to assert herself in a pretty gentle manner and he did it in front of his son so he's enabling controlling behaviour.

Again, if the son does this to a gf, his relationships are not going to be healthy ones because he would be acting in a controlling and coercive manner. His dad needs to be teaching him how to behave in an acceptable manner with women rather than enable controlling and coercive behaviour. He is stomping OP's boundaries in a really obvious way. Asking her why she wore a dress and questioning why she feels warm, come on now. I think it's a form of harassment to make OP feel very uncomfortable and it's working.

Just tell him it is incredibly rude,he would not put up with questioning like that,why should you?
It's also somewhat unlikely he means nothing by it.

That's a possibility.

I also wonder if OP is still somewhat in 'fawning' mode with males as a result of being in a past abusive relationship.

This thread has reminded me that a common adult reply to children's questions when I was growing up was, 'None of your business.' These days we might think that is a bit cold and dismissive, but actually, it is none of his business.

I have worked with autistic children (and adults) who would fire off questions like this. DS1 did too when he was much younger but had grown out of it by the age your DSS is now. It could be an autistic trait. But it could also be a way of winding you up. You can probably tell if the questions are innocent or manipulative. My response would depend a lot on why I thought he was asking.

DS's best friend used to be like this. He'd question everything I did in a tone of shock, and sometimes argue really hard if he disagreed with how I was doing something if his family did it differently. I wanted to send him home sometimes, it was so annoying. He's now an adult and still a very opinionated, argumentative personality. He should have been a lawyer!

Perhaps say - it’s on a need to know basis and you don’t need to know

Agree with this completely. It’s sound like autism to me, and yes autistic children can show varied behaviour around different adults. It depends on who they feel comfortable around.

I used to do the same with a neighbour's DD when she was of primary school age. She would ask where my DD was going and I would always say, "Outer Mongolia".

OP, it’s mostly being suggested that you keep your answers brief. But that won’t feed whatever need is causing this and he’ll just ask more and more. Is it worth trying the opposite - so if he wants to know who you’re on the phone to, instead of just saying ‘my sister’ you basically tell him everything you can think of about your sister. Then hopefully he’ll very quickly get incredibly bored with your answers and also feel satisfied that you have registered his need for attention. And will stop.

Also - does he need more one-to-one time with you? Just a thought.

Is he feeling insecure. Does his mum ignore him? Do you ever ask him why he asks you so many questions, and explain that at his age it’s a bit rude. Maybe he just wants attention. The only way you’ll know is to have a conversation asking him about himself his life snd his he feels about life in general.

Answer all questions with questions.
Where are you going? =why do you need to know?
Why are you watching TV=why are you watching TV?
Why are you wearing that? = Why did you pick what you are wearing?

Every question with a question even if it's a random question. Have a lust of them ready. Never a straight answer and he loses control. And hopefully after a while will give up.

It seems from your last few posts you are indulging him with answers and it does seem he's using it as a form of control. Which needs to be nipped in the bud as it is a form of coercive control . And before people talk about him being child. Children learn psychological controls through learnt behaviour he obviously realises it annoys you and is pressing that button (I'm about to complete a MSc in psychology) Flip the questions over and over and he'll hopefully get bored. Just remember stop explaining yourself.