How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

I'd just reply with "grown up stuff" each and every time.

I have level 1 autism and adhd. The child in question might be a level 2 or 3. I'll let you into my mind as a child of maybe 8 : I'm counting footsteps from when I leave the house until I arrive at the shop. I'm monitoring the weather and calculating the time it takes and steps involved so when my mum said she was going to the shops I would count the steps so I knew roughly what time she was going to return. I'd be asking who she was going to see because that time would be added on. I would ask why are you wearing xyz because then I would know if she was going shopping or shopping and cleaning. Plus a million other questions about dinner etc. If she wasn't back in time then I would be in a panic thinking maybe something bad happened. If she was buying ex for dinner then I knew how to get my head around eating something gross (to me). Autism is big on collecting information. It provides security.
If the child has a higher autism score then they would react in more pronounced ways. I'm 63 now and I still count steps out of habit at times.

put a lock on the office door, when asked where you’re going say there and back to see how far it is, or who are you talking to the cats mother etc etc.
try though to set some time to just have a little catch up with him he obviously wants to spend time with you.
where’s his dad while all this is happening he sounds bored and in need of some company

Just seen his age 🫣🙄 ignore previous advice except office door lock and just mouth busy sorrr and ignore him when you’re on the phone.
tell him you’re doing super secret spy work and can’t tell him your plans each day.
you will both know he’s to old for the joke and he will in time take the hint

Balloonhearts ·
I'd just be like 'because I live here, why are you here?' Turn it back on him.

Never say this to a child, yes even an older one. What sounds like a witty remake to a MM poster is cutting to a child.

There is lots of good advice on the thread. I have one that questions a lot and it can sometimes irritating. When it gets to much i just tell her I need time that is quiet, but it takes a while to get here.
With your DSS work out a routine. Question time for the first 5 mins of the visit, then a movement break together-swinging arms, or some yoga, or a quick walk around the road. Just be together for a few mins. After that, no more questioning untill tomorrow.
He is sensory seeking.

Is he Sen ? Because if not I would nip this in the bud and explain to him he is being rude and adults don’t have to explain their every move !

just Tell him to stop interrogating you the whole time because it’s really annoying. Say something like Stop asking me stupid questions. Or if he asks why you’re wearing the pink dress ask him Why do you think? My youngest son went through a phase as an adolescent where all his conversation seemed to be questions and he didn’t always get a great response. I think you are trying to be extra careful because he’s not your child but he knows what he’s doing. Tell him you don’t want to answer any more questions or tell him to go ask his dad questions when he gets really annoying. It is simply a habit.

Do you think if he doesn't get a lot of time with his mum (you said he's in his room gaming in the evening there) that he is in need of a mum-type relationship but doesn't know how to go about it? Hence his constant but inappropriate interaction with you? I may be completely off on the wrong tangent here (and yes it sounds super irritating) but the odd behaviour must be coming from somewhere.

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this, as only read OP replies.

@StepmumWorries you mention his mother has had a couple of long term relationships. Has this questioning coincided with her latest partner? Wondering if hes copying behaviour hes seeing at home, particularly your last example of the way he questioned where you were going and what you were wearing.

My son is younger and questions things a lot, but he's autistic and its how his otherwise very subtle anxiety manifests itself.

I think its time for a sit down talk with him tbh. He's old enough to know that this isnt acceptable behaviour, and why it isn't acceptable in an age appropriate way.

He's being rude towards you. My parents never gave me straight answers. My dad went to the pub every evening and when I asked him where he was going he would tell me he was going to see a man about a dog. My mum would answer a lot of questions with "long long is a piece of string".I think you need to stop giving him the answers and ask him if everything is okay, if he's worried about you being out of the house and that you are an adult and can do as you please. Or start asking dss and OH loads of ridiculous questions and try and make them see how annoying and draining it is.

Is he neurodivergent or bored and seeking interactions for attention.

Firstly get some noise cancelling headphones to block him out while working and avoid making eye contact or taking them off to answer questions. Mouth ‘sorry, focusing’ each time.

Don't answer the questions you don't want to answer with ‘im not going to answer that’ or ‘it’s top secret i cant tell you’ or only allow him 35 questions a day and count them off together and eventually tell him ‘you've exceeded your daily number of questions, save them for tomorrow’.

you need to put another spin on things so the interaction is different and less triggering.

I’d say something to him like I’ve noticed you keep asking me questions all the time. ‘Why do you think you do this’. Listen to what he says and reply explaining how you feel .
For example
If he says ‘I don’t know’, say ‘please will you have a think about it and let me know . You know I love spending time with you , however I’m finding it a bit tiring answering your questions and I’d like to get to the bottom of it.

I'm late to the thread but crikey OP, why haven't you shut those type of questions down before now? He is a child and doesn't need to know that kind of information, even DH doesn't! If he was that anxious that he "needed to know" for insecurity reasons then DH should have got him therapy!

”Where you going?!” - in the tone as if I’ve just thrown a full meal in the bin and someone’s asking “why have you done that?!”
Answer. Out, see you later, be good for your dad.

he said “why you wearing that?!” - I’m in a pink summer dress as it’s almost 30° here
Answer. Why not?

I said it’s very warm and this will keep me cool, he said “why are you so warm?”
Answer. Stop being silly. Or. Why do you think?

Learn the art of grey rocking, it's where you avoid giving out any information except the very basics whilst being civil. Don't put up with this.

He should be more protective of your feelings. It's so annoying when people say i don't mind its not a problem for me.
I think he may have attachment issues with his won mum. I also think he is challenging you, it's a sub conscious power game as he is growing up and exploring where he belongs in his complex family set up. It is very rude to pester you in this way and disturb your peace and you need dh to back you up strongly. Have you tired explaining to him that being asked questions when you are in the middle of things takes your brain out of your flow and makes things take longer to get back into. He needs to stop, I do sense it is controlling of him.

Mystified by ppl saying is he bored, is he wanting attention? he’s just a child.
He's in high school, nearly 13, he’s accusatory and if he was any older it would be abusive.
Pity any poor girl that get involved with him, he sounds a coercive abuser in the making.
This needs stamped on hard, tell him to shut up and tell your DH he needs to get firm with him or you’re out.

This was my thought too.
Do it to your DH (in the same tone of voice)

I would jokingly say to him...'you get to ask me 5 questions a day' And when he keeps asking you things say 'sorry buddy you've used up your quota of silly questions for today...ask again tomorrow'.
I would also (jest aside) tell him it's annoying to be questioned constantly and you're exhausted always asking his trivial questions and won't be answering every single one.

I think if it was me I’d start asking my husband all these questions and if he questions it, give him the exact reasons he gave you. Then explain that this is how if feel for you when your DSS is asking you

You’re still giving plenty of answers?
My answer would’ve been i’m going out see you later and then pretend not to hear the question about the dress tbh.

Have you ever asked him ‘why do u question me so much but not your Dad’?

you need to stop answering every single question u feel isnt necessary or relevant. You can praise your DH all u want, but you are on here telling us the questioning makes u feel uncomfortable in your own home, but your DH refuses to listen, or even try to understand where you are coming from

Understand a SEN child will ask a lot of questions, but after checking, OP has realised she is the only person her DSS constantly questions. Would they just single out a certain person for this, why not question his dad’s every move too. Wouldn’t a SEN child with anxiety want to know what everyone in the household is doing? I don’t know on that one.

100% agree, this is my concern, OP also said he “treats her like staff”. He does not treat anyone else like this.

I genuinely think he has picked up on the @StepmumWorries sensitivity, kindness and vulnerability due to her past trauma, and he is exploiting it in a power game. Kids can be very nasty. DH has played right into his hands by not backing her up when it mattered. He has given the coercive power to the son. I am concerned that DH doesn’t really respect and cherish her as she deserves at all. OP deserves better than this.

This is not on. I am also curious as to why OP works from home and also at weekends in another job. Yes, in this economy lots of people need extra hours, but I am interested to know how much DH works, and about the balance here. I’m concerned that OP is in a situation where she is being controlled and the son is the more obvious representation/manifestation of that whole situation. And OP never gets a weekend off and has to have him for every school holiday.

Painful though it may be, the only way to get out and get longer term calm, might be to leave. OP does not owe the DSS nor the DH anything. She deserves happiness.

For goodness sake! It's not difficult. Just say "Stop asking me all these questions all the time! It's really annoying! Find something else to do'" ...

The fact that your husband isn't helping isn't good

Is this possibly mirroring how his mum's new partner is acting towards his mum?