How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

He is 12, not 4! My god! He is hardly a little child. Tell him ‘stop asking me questions like that, it’s really annoying’.

Why don’t you ask him? He might be worried about something and this is his way of trying to cope with it.

There are a couple of stand out lines here.

”why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?"
He’s questioning why you’re in your own living room in your own home, instead of making yourself scarce upstairs. It seems to me that he’s seeing the house as his father’s and is therefore more his home than yours, even though you’ve been in his life for 8 years. He’s 12, not a little child who doesn’t understand things; he’s old enough to be playing a game of “the family unit here is me and my dad, you’re a bit outside it stepmum”. Kids grow out of the genuinely curious, innocent endless “why” questions much younger.

Then when you made a very mild jokey comment about how nosey he’s being, your DH leapt to his defence and said it was uncalled for. He didn’t need to do that. It isn’t like you were being nasty to the boy.

DH shouldn’t stop you rebuking his son in the a mild, kind way. He should be allowing you to parent your stepson while he’s in your home.

SS shouldn’t be watching you work either. Your workplace may be different, but at mine, if we work from home we mustn’t let others see our screens with work info on them.

If this behaviour isn’t tackled now, what will it be like when he’s a big, assertive 15, 16, 17, questioning what you do all the time, insinuating you aren’t welcome in your own sitting room and adding teenage bolshyness into the mix?

Definitely keep a note of his questions this weekend so that you can clearly show your DH what he is doing. If you just say DSS is asking me lots of questions he will brush it off. If you say he asked me 15 questions and we were only together for 10 minutes, DH will say you are exaggerating. I think you will need to re-enact the exchanges. Perhaps recording them would be useful as well, to show DH the tone used and maybe to play back to DSS if DH doesn't come up with a solution.

I would say " because l choose too" to every single question, he would soon tire of asking..l hope, 🤞

He might be neurodivergant and he's asking questions because it makes him feel secure. I need to know everything if for example I'm going somewhere eg: who is going to be there, will we be eating out, what time are we planning on coming back etc. I understand it is exhausting for people who don't get it. Small changes can send me into panic mode such as diverting from plans or having to meet people I don't know. Be patient with him.

Give him a book and a pen and ask him to write all the questions down he has for you during the day. Then tell him he gets a fifteen minute ‘question time’ once per day where you will answer his questions. Keep directing him to the book if he forgets. Also turn the questions back on him: “Why do you think I was…?” Get him to work out the answer.

If someone is going out without you, to do their own thing that's entirely unrelated to anything you need to know or do, do you question the details of what they're wearing and why?

What about asking DH these questions, constantly for a day or two to see how he gets on? Maybe then he'll be willing to see how it's impacting you...
He needs to understand without DSS involment

I really think the very integral part to this that your husband needs to understand and is as big reason he needs to put a stop to it, is that you have experienced a controlling relationship in the past and this is making you feel uncomfortable because of this. Any good husband should be able to understand this and if he doesn’t, I’m sorry, but he’s not a good husband.

I think he’s undiagnosed SEN. I work with many children / teens with SEN and this sounds like them. They sometimes aren’t able to act appropriately in social scenarios.

It sounds to me like he gets very little time and attention from his mum and so is transferring that need to you. I think he’s either scared of losing you or trying to build a better connection to you but being a child he’s being clumsy about it.

Stop answering, but politely.
Don’t apologise.
Practice saying what you need to say in response out loud when you are on your own. (Or rehearse with your sister, or the wisest person you know).

Don’t try to smart ass answer.
Don’t patronise him.
Don’t ask him questions back.
Don’t try to “understand him” or try to get him to understand your point of view by talking at him. It won’t work. He is already showing signs of not respecting you.

Sample polite script:

You : “Too many questions, I’m not going to keep answering.” [Do not apologise or use the word sorry at all you do not have to be sorry. You are just saying your perspective. You are not a service human being.]

DS: “Whyyy?”

You: “It’s too much. Too many questions, [name].”

DS: “Blah blah blah, challenge, I was just asking…” [outraged, offended, this is ok. Let him be. ]

You: [Stay silent. Not angry, just calm. This is very powerful. You are showing you expected this reaction but you are not going to further react or escalate it.]

DS: [possibly angry as not getting the reaction he wants]

You: [Stay silent but calm stay in the room you wanted to be in, or just leave to go out if you were going anyway.]

He is pushing your boundaries. He is 12. Welcome to the secondary school years. This is not a situation to try to talk to him, explain your point of view or try to understand his point of view. It is adolescent boundary pushing. There might be something around male-female relations and him seeing misogynistic behaviour elsewhere and consciously or subconsciously copying it. Set your boundaries. Stay calm and keep the moral high ground. Don’t criticise, lecture, question. Just disengage.

Look up “grey rock”. Look up “drop the rope”.

You can still be kind and calm and engaging with him at other times. Just don’t answer the questions you don’t want to. Get used to some uncomfortable silences. Actions speak a LOT louder than words.

This is an effective way to influence someone else’s behaviour. Disengaging is a communication strategy and sometimes the most effective one.

It sounds like he doesn’t have much of an actual relationship with his mum. You have an opportunity to model a strong firm but fair female in his life. He may well rail against you at time over the coming years, but if you keep in mind you are strong and supportive but not a service person so him, ultimately this will pay dividends. To both of you.

I wouldn't now I'm an adult but probably would if I was a child again

Explain to him kindly that your time is your own and you have boundaries that you won’t/don’t have to justify to him.
if he asks you a question that you don’t want to answer, simply say ‘boundaries’ in a playful reminder tone or ‘questions!’

this should make him more aware of the fact he’s doing it, and perhaps help him to stop

Sorry I used DS when should have been DSS.

A 12 year old child?

Agree with this. And DH needs to back you up. What if you showed him this thread?

But why just with @StepmumWorries ? That's unusual.

Agree. Why is it only with the OP, and not the DH or mum he does this with? It’s almost as if he has detected OP’s vulnerability.

Controlling more like. Needs nipping in the bud, as it could get a lot worse as gets older, and if my DH did not support me, I would raise hell. I’d refuse to have DSS, simple.

I would be telling straight to stop t with the questions, end of.

A) Tell him to stop and B) to mind his own business. I would not put up with this and would ensure DH followed up on the behaviour.

I think this is the best way @StepmumWorries

Op could it be because he doesn’t have much interaction with his mum and you listen and answer him so he thinks it’s normal conversation. I can’t see it being accusatory he might feel like a grown up around you. If he’s with grandparents then sees mum later on then gaming he genuinely might think your the only one who treats him more mature. You could say oh your awful nosy you would be a great detective with your interrogation skills. I think you might be over sensitive which I get and kids talking a lot can be exhausting but maybe he’s more comfortable with you. Next year you will ask him questions and you will get grunts or what’s it to you or something similar so maybe just try and get them reduced rather stopped. Some kids are very inquisitive.

I know you work on Saturday but could you arrange a long weekend away with a girlfriend - leave early Friday morning and come back very late Sunday evening. It
might help to break the cycle. Hopefully DH will be asked loads of questions as he clearly won't address it unless it affects him. More than anything it will give you a break.

I have read all the OP’s posts and agree it sounds super irritating. I haven’t read all the responses though so spoke if I am repeating someone else’s comments. I have two points to make:

1. you need to sit down with your husband and make it clear to him that you parent your DSS and as his step parent you have the right to reprimand, manage poor behavior, treat positive behavior etc as you see fit when you are with your DSS.
2. the boy is old enough that you should be able to have a discussion with him ( not a telling off) that his comments are pointed and sometimes rude, make you uncomfortable and exhausted. It’s like the behaviour of a 5yo. I would do this before you begin with the short answers, ‘that’s my business’ etc. then you are teaching him how to behave properly rather than simply being rude back. You can also say to him (when questioned) “these last 5 questions in a row are exactly the behavior I was talking about with you last week. You might want to soften your tone, be more conversational etc. please do not fire Qs at me…” Hope this helps.