How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

I know, if it was DH it was happening to I don't doubt he'd put a stop to it near instantly, and that's what I find so annoying - it's fine because it's me it seems.

I've spoken to his mum about it and he doesn't do it to her - I don't know whether there's been any drama or infidelity or anything in her past relationships that impacted him, not that I'm aware of but I'm not sure she'd tell us either.

It sounds disrespectful, what is he seeing at his Mum's or from his Dad that makes him think this is appropriate behaviour? Is it your house as well as his dad's?

Is he just trying to talk to you and make conversation but doesn’t know how to appropriately do that?

That's a whole other thread lol - luckily we love having DSS here, and he loves being here, but there's never been any flex there.

Does your DH respect you?

@Dollymylove you could turn that round and ask why mum gets the drudge time with school runs, homework etc and not the fun weekends/holidays?

More fool her, in that case. She’s missing out on a lovely boy, there.

Yeah, sorry but fuck that @StepmumWorries

If ANYONE was questioning why I was watching my own TV in my own home, I'd be putting a stop to it. You need to have serious words with your husband. Does he even like you? My dh would never let anyone disrespect me like that. And it absolutely is disrespectful.

If it was ND or anxiety as others have suggested, it wouldn't be so targeted and accusatory to you specifically.

I keep my answers to a minimum, like 'guess' or 'work' or 'my sister' etc - I try not engage / indulge (as I did in the past and tried pulling back to put a stop to it!)

It could be the same, I know children can be inquisitive and ask lots but he's 12 - nearly 13 - part of me thinks he'd have grown out of it by now?

"Give it a rest, I'm getting tired of all these questions." But I'm not a very patient person and I don't mind being firm with kids. And if he doesn't stop - "I've spoken to you about this. Stop asking me so many questions, these things are none of your business."

It sounds like he's got into a habit of needling you (maybe boredom or doesn't know how else to start a conversation with you) and hasn't realised just how annoying he is.

I’m assuming he is not reporting back to mum? She hasn’t asked him to tell her what you are up to?

If you are in a room with DSS and DH does he just talk to you and ignore what DH is doing?

Sorry Toddlert - i didn’t mean to reply to your post.

No, not at all - we talk all the time, about school, family, movies, weekend plans, anything and everything. He is a lovely boy and I adore him, we have plenty of conversations outside of these questions, so this is quite an assumption.

What I am struggling with is having to explain everywhere I'm going and who with and when I'll be back as I'm walking out the door, even though it's the same thing every Saturday etc - I think this is a reasonable thing to struggle with.

I'd do it back to him.

It's grandparents who do the school runs in our case, but yes a good point in many situations.

I misunderstood. Apologies.

No, I doubt it - I get on with his mum well and she knows I work and work in a pub on a Saturday evening etc, so I can't see he'd need to check for her every weekend!

When we're all in a room together the conversation is usually between all of us, or between DSS and me whilst DH is pre-occupied with something else.

Have you asked him what's with all the constant questions? It can be exhausting with my DDs, similar age, sometimes they just want a conversation with me and others they want to understand what is going on and what's coming up, so whilst it's 'why are you calling X' question what they're actually thinking is: how long is she going to be on the phone, what time is dinner, do I have time to wash my hair, how am I going to fit in homework etc etc. So being proactive with engaging helps.

Still bloody annoying though.

I started asking lots of questions and feeling a bit I guess anxious about what my parents were doing after they got divorced. Maybe it's the change in the environment but it just felt unsettling until I knew what was happening. It wasn't about controlling what they were doing or anything like that. Maybe he's feeling a bit of anxiety right now.

Time for dh to get pestered.
Answer everything possible (obvs nicely) with go and ask your dad,
I'm working, go & find your dad.
I'm here because I want to be. Go and find your dad.
On phone - no one you know. Go and find your dad.
And so on. Dh might step up if it's him being bombarded with questions.

I'd maybe try answering with your own question so...

DSS: why are you down here for once?
You: am I not allowed to be down here?

DSS: who were you talking to?
You: why do you need to know that?

If DSS answers with something like "I want to know" then remind him that he does not need to know everything you're doing, who you're speaking to etc and you will not be giving him answers to intrusive questions.

As an aside, your DH is being a twat. Of course he doesn't see the issue - because he's not having to experience it. I think your idea of noting every question and showing him is a good one.

My 10 year old is exactly the same and it gives me the rage! (Although I love him dearly).

if I say to my husband something he will always chime in and ask what/who/how etc or ask who’s text me or called me etc. I think it’s just an age thing

If nothing suggested here works could you noy just say ask your dad ( when hes back if not home) and walk away.
Or maybe ask why he asks you so many questions and not his dad etc

That sounds super annoying, but I would be questioning what it's born out of first. Is it a need to control surroundings / important figures to him? (Usually born out of a feeling of powerlessness.) Is it insecurity in his place in your home? Is it just that he's a 'why' kid? Lack of control or insecurity jump out to me tbh, which often stems from the other home rather than the one where the behaviour emerges.

Either way, I think you need to get your DH on board before you take action to change. Does he fully understand how frustrating and triggering this is? What's he doing to address?

My DH loves me, as I do him - I think he genuinely just doesn't see how irritating this is because he's not on the other end of it, and 'kids will be kids'.

I'm glad I posted here and now know that other people wouldn't put up with this and would find it annoying, I feel I can have a proper conversation with DH after this weekend about how to tackle this because it just can't carry on, it's relentless.

I need to go put the washing on a spin but I know the second I head downstairs it'll be 'what are you doing?' 'what are you washing?' 'are you still working?' 'why are you going back upstairs?' 'when will the washing be done?' and so on.