How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

This sounds really annoying, can you not just make a joke of it and say "What's with all the questions, inspector?!" or something?

I would have to tell him to stop quizzing me and hopefully he'll eventually get the message.

I’d either completely ignore the barrage of questions, or I’d answer ‘cos’ for each question.
He’ll soon get bored of the boring answer.

Best of luck. He does sound like a good kid, though, bless him.

Does he have SEN? Because that’s incredibly odd behaviour. I’d tell him it’s rude and to knock it off. If he’s SEN, I think you need to approach it from the standpoint of teaching appropriate social behaviour.

@VanquishedColston I actually tried that approach a month or so ago (after putting up with it for SO long), when asked why I'd been on the phone with my sister, I joked "would you like me to just share my calendar with you and invite you to all future phone calls so you don't need a rundown after each conversation in future?" and my DH told me that wasn't called for.... so that got me absolutely nowhere and the relentless questions continue.

He's just arrived now, and I'm working from home (rare on a Friday!), so so far we've had;
"Why are you at home?"
"Why are you working?"
"What's that GIF about?" (a Teams message from a colleague)
"When do you finish?"
"Do you have any meetings?"

and that's all in the last 10 minutes :(

Tell him firmly but not harshly that this is your house and you can do what you want in it, that questioning you about every move you make is rude even if he doesn't realise it and that it needs to stop.

Talk to him about it. Try the gentle approach first. 'I've noticed x, do you know why this might be happening. I just want to reassure you that you can trust me but I'm also an adult and I don't need you to check in on me.'

However, I don't see a problem with prepping him advance with who is going where. It's what kids need for reassurance and stability in their life. Maybe, particularly if his parents split up.

“None of your beeswax” is a perfectly good answer. As is “it’s my business”.

And dh needs a decent bollocking about the personal privacy of adults and parenting his child on the subject.

You don’t always have to explain as you say. Answer his question with a question. “Why do you want to know that?” “Why not, Kevin?” That is an interesting question!
He will soon get fed up.

I think you need to sit down with him and talk him through why you find it so annoying. You can do it in a 'I'm not angry with you but...' way.

He maybe feeling a bit insecure and it's just become a habit. Children need to learn how their behaviour impacts on others.

Why is this even a dilemma? Just tell him it's rude and to stop. Why are people so afraid to tell off kids?

If DH protests, point out that he wasn't parenting, so you had to, and that's its your house too and you have a right to challenge bad behaviour in it.

Having said that, some of those are just polite conversation? Do you have any meetings is just casual chat, surely.

Does he do it with everyone or just you? Have school said anything?

It's very unusual for his age. Do you think he's feeling insecure? Like worried you're going to leave or something? You've been in his life since he was 3, me must be pretty attached to you. Has his mother broken up with a partner recently or something?

@ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews He's an amazing kid, and I really don't want to put him down but genuinely I'm exhausted and can't have this as my never ending future! Good idea about just ignoring them all, in the past this has just led to them being repeated until I answer, but surely he'll get bored of that too!

@mindutopia no SEN at all, just a really irritating habit!

@TomatoSandwiches I really want to avoid anything like 'my house' etc - because this is DSS's home too, even if he's not here full time it's his house as much as it is mine. I do see what you're saying though.

@Callmeback I was hoping DH would take the gentle approach which was why I raised it to him - they spend their Saturday nights together with a film and a takeaway whilst I'm working at the pub and I wanted DH to mention it then and maybe explain that there's no need to constantly question everything, but like I said DH doesn't see an issue so no such conversation happened! DH and DSS's mum had split up before DSS was born, so I don't think this is a consequence of them splitting. I think it's just curiosity but it's manifesting in quite an irritating way when it only seems to be directed at me and my plans!

@TheSandgroper I agree with you and I bloody wish DH would just listen to me and try put a stop to it. Maybe when DSS is back with his mum on Tuesday, I'll sit down and mention it again. I'll keep track of all the questions over these next 3 days as ammo - I am exhausted at the thought, genuinely.

I used to do this to my mum (no idea why really!). She just used to give me daft answers ("who were you on the phone to?" "The queen, she wants to know what happened on coronation street". "Where are you going?" "The Bahamas, it's too cloudy here"). Or would just jokingly tell me to stop being nosey.

I now have a 5 year old who questions everything down to why I'm smiling so you could just wait for karma to sort him out?

DD2 can be like this and it drives me mad, I just end up snapping at her to stop questioning me one of the benefits of being an adult is you don't have to answer to anyone 😉

Does he do it to DH as well or just you? Because if it's just you I think it's fine to say why are you always interrogating me and not your Dad, go and ask him 101 questions.

@sittingonabeach Just me, no mention from school or family - no questions to DH about what he's doing or who he's talking to, it's just me and I can't work out why.

@MysticCatLady I'm not sure if it's insecurity, and I'd hope it's not - his mum has had a few long term partners which have ended, but is in a long term relationship now with someone who has a brilliant relationship with DSS, but as far as I'm aware he doesn't get the constant questions directed at him. I'm sure he is attached to me as I am to him, he's family and I'll always be here for him, it's just the dread of the questions that's getting to me. I found myself upset this morning when DH mentioned DSS wasn't at school today so would be coming to us early - it was dread at the extra hours of questioning!

My daughter does this with me, but it's not accusatory, and that's the difference. My daughter wants to spend time with me (I'm aware this is fleeting as the teenage years are upon us) and so she wants to know if I'm done working, how my day's going, if I'm really tired (because she wants to play a computer game with me, or do skincare, or watch Stranger Things together - again, I am aware how lucky I am).

What is your step son's angle? Why does he only quiz you? What does your DH think about that? Do you feel like your step son wants some time with you or does it feel different?

I didn't mean every question was an issue and of course some are just general chat, it's more when those questions are in a line of about 19 in a row that I start to feel it's too much!

I would ask DSS in a genuinely curious tone (not sarcastic or to shut him down) “what do you think”?

It could be habit, it could be he gets questioned by his Mum, it could be anxiety, could be an aspect of ND (2 of my 4 are bloody exhausting at this).

Why does the mother get every weekend and most of school holidays free?

Your 'D'H sounds like a knobhead. Easy for him to decide it's not a big deal when he's not the one it's happening to.

I'm so sick of reading about these useless men who get mortally offended on behalf of the kids they refuse to parent.

You need to stop answering his questions.

Anything work related "it's work stuff, and it's private."

Asking about phone calls. "They're personal and private."

I wonder does he do it at mum's too? Was there infidelity or drama at mum's that could be making him anxious about you or something?

"Why are you at home?" Because I live here.
"Why are you working?" So that I can keep living here.
"What's that GIF about?" (a Teams message from a colleague) Mind ya business.
"When do you finish?" When I'm done.
"Do you have any meetings?" Who are you? My manager?

Said in a jokey way. But he thinks it's ok because you answer him. He's gonna be a man harassing his partner for every bit of her whereabouts all the time. He has to learn to respect people's privacy and you have to teach him, along with his parents.

I answer reasonable questions with my kids and explain the world, but you ain't my boss.

Do you explain that you're going out or tell him that you're on a teams call with your colleagues as part of a conversation.

As a child I asked all of these questions (not Teams obviously) although probably not all at once because we all lived in the same house. But, I was Little Miss Nosy and once I knew that was fine. It was like a security thing and once it was all in context I was quite happy. Maybe it's the same with your DSS.

It is the accusatory part that I struggle with, and that I feel odd even mentioning, but it's the tone behind the questions and the way they're phrased. Like "what are you doing down here for once?!" when I'm sat on my sofa in my home watching my TV, that's where I struggle - it makes me feel unwelcome.

I've always tried to make sure DH and DSS get plenty of time together just them two, because I never saw my DF without his partners when I was growing up and I struggled with that! I don't get the impression it's that he wants more time with me, it feels different - I'm not saying he wants less time with me (because with me working all the time it would be hard to find even less time!) but it's like there's something? I can't work it out.

Your DH is a bloody fool for not backing you up on this. He has a partner who loves his child and wants the relationship to work, but he can’t be arsed to sort out the one thing that is ruining it for you?! You need another talk with DH, and this time be forceful. He has to put down some boundaries with DSS about the constant questions. This is stressful enough when our own children do it - it’s bound to be even more stressful for a stepparent, and if DH can’t understand that then he’s a plank.