How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

For this one you need to say firmly “go away I’m working. I’ll speak to you after work”

For many of the others like where are you going he needs to learn to mind his own business and there’s no harm telling him that either. You’re the adult not the child and you aren’t accountable to him.

I think he's old enough for you to tell him - firmly, not harshly - that the constant questioning is both annoying and rude, and he needs to stop it

I'm learning that I do not have the same levels of patience for children as other posters on this thread because this would drive me bananas if it was my own kid, let alone someone else's! Especially if that someone else decided it was fine and dandy.

I think I am oversensitive with this kind of approach because of my own childhood, but I don't want to give any kind of impression that this isn't 'his' home - like I'm saying he doesn't live here. That's 100% my oversensitivity playing a part here though!

No don't, he's a child and allow annoying is doest not warrant chastisement !

Spot on. He probably wants to ask 'why are you with my dad instead of my mum' in all essence, but too polite to do it.

I can see how annoying it must be. I think he sounds incredibly attached to you to be honest and maybe if his mum has had relationships break up he’s just anxious you might leave? Just a guess. He does sound a nice wee boy though, if a bit nosey!!

I do think this is a bit of a reach, DH and DSS's mum split up before DSS was born, I am the only partner DSS has ever known DH have. He is fully aware not all parents stay together and that some of his friends have parents that are still together, some have step parents as he does etc.

Why did DH step in just because you said something back to him? It was hardly rude. And undermining you in front of ss. I'd be telling SS to mind his own business if the "why not? Why do you need to know?" approach didn't work

Are you expected to act as stepmum but not actually parent at all or speak in anything but robotically good cheer? Tell DH to leave you alone!

another option to dealing with it is to sit him down and tell him he is asking too many pointless questions and that it is irritating and eating everyone's time... say he can only ask 2 every hour. Then every question after the first 2 tell him he has reached his limit. Hopefully that will shine the light on what he is doing to him...he likely isn't aware he is asking so many...and that might get him to stop asking so many

I do feel at times this is it yes, grin and bare it and answer the questions with the same joyful tone every. single. time. It's exhausting!

@StepmumWorries My ds is a bit like this. I think its insecurity. They test their bond with you. It is really annoying, but i think its a way of making sure you're still there for them.
I do get annoyed sometimes too, but the days im feeling calm and stable i usually just give him a big hug and kiss and say why do you ask, or give a jokey answer..like where are you going? Im going to rob some banks first and then buy a Ferrari on my way home. Or whatever. Are you close enough with him to be close or joke around like that?

"Ask your father."

I think your husband needs to be managing him and telling him not to ask so many questions. That sounds exhausting. If you're WFH you shouldn't be disturbed, can you not shut yourself in a room and say you can't be disturbed?

I think then you need to have convo with DH that you are allowed to parent/talk to him however you'd like! Obviously not rude or horrible but you should not be on eggshells to a child you've helped raise/been there for since he was 2. You're allowed to be a normal human

He shouldn't undermine you in front of him, save it for later when it's just you two alone.. he will be having more things that will be tricky or annoying as he goes through teenager years so you need to be on the same page.

It's probably part of why he keeps asking too coz he knows you will answer and knows his dad will always back him?

My niece had a phase like this. If it's any consolation she grew out of it very quickly.

Whenever my sister came to stay with her kids (we're opposite ends of the country), the girl, then around 11 or 12, would question EVERYTHING. "ohhh you said the f word, you're not ALLOWED to swear", "what's that plate, is that new, why'd you buy that colour?" "why did you put that top on today, I don't get it, whyyyy?" Just would question everything I did. Even the way I sat down would be met with questions. "why you sitting over there? Why are you watching that?"

I found the only thing which worked was to be ultra bland and reply in a really flat voice. Literally nothing else worked. You can't engage or it'll absolutely snowball. Don't make eye contact either.

It's a shame but in my case, my sister is one those who doesn't say no to her kids. They're fantastic now. It was a really brief phase.

I do think this is quite a lot about you. And your interpretation of the questions. the fact that you can feel uncomfortable in your own home by the questions of a 12-year-old shows that you have some work to do on yourself because otherwise why would you even think that you’re not allowed to sit in your own sofa? I think the word you used was unwelcome. How can you feel unwelcome by a 12-year-old saying ‘what are you doing down here for once’?
It seems to me as if he is desperately trying to make connection with you. He is probably picking up on your discomfort and it’s worrying him therefore causing him to ask more and more questions. You are clearly very important to him. Continue to build on a good close relationship with him make him feel very secure with you and at the same time tell him he must stop asking so many questions.

This would drive me mad OP and I think it's really weird that DH can't appreciate how annoying it is. I think you need to have a serious chat with him and explain that he needs to back you up when you try to get DS to stop. Otherwise, tell him that you'll need to step back a bit from parenting DSS as it's affecting you so much.

I do think it's something about wanting to be closer to you/ engage with you - without suggesting you don't do that already. It sounds annoying but there are more annoying habits.

In your shoes I would make it a game and when he arrives at some convenient point tell him he is allowed to ask you as many questions as he likes for 10 minutes (or whatever). Make it like a game show with a hotseat, something for him to use as a microphone and set a timer. After that he can only ask you questions if the answer affects him directly. If he tries you can either say 'that's a question for the next episode of the hotseat' or just tell him he can't ask it because it doesn't directly affect him and it's not hotseat time.

I'm not saying it will work 😅but that is the kind of approach I'd take. Making it fun, showing that you're open to engaging with him, but then setting boundaries about the question asking.

Perhaps consider that maybe your step son is experiencing similar anxiety as your previous relationship experience has given you - he didn’t choose to have a step parent so perhaps he asks so many questions as he isn’t fully sure of you.

OP I don't think you're worrying enough about this. If he's only asking questions of you, and the tone is accusatory, it is abusive and malicious.

It is coercive control and yes 12 year olds are more than able to do this. Don't for one second think this is innocent - it's not. You feel uncomfortable for a reason.
Your DH might have rose tinted glasses about his son but you must spell out in no uncertain terms to him that this is the very last weekend you will be spoken to in this way. If your DH doesn't spell out the riot act to your DSS, you will have some serious thinking to do.

I would just say, 'Stepson (whatever his affectionate nn is) You ask too many questions. You are lovely, so I know you don't mean it, but I feel interrogated and that is not a nice feeling. Before you ask me another question, think silently to yourself why you are asking it and whether you really need to know.'

Alternatively, you could say, 'All this questioning is getting out of hand. You are allowed 3 personal questions about me per day. Once I have answered them, that's your quota for the next 24 hours. Here is the sign I will give you to show your quota is up.' Then create a sign - maybe a slightly silly one, but easy for you to do.

I should say I have ND children so needing to navigate this sort of behaviour is very common for me. You need to find ways that work for you as well as him, to stop this sort of behaviour without you getting stressed or him feeling judged.

He could just be bored and trying to start a conversation and is being a bit gauche about it. You could ask questions back as in:

Where are you going?
Out to the pub with Mary. What are you up to this evening?
What’s that text message? It’s from work. How’s school going?

He’ll either get to have a nice chat or he’ll decide it’s not worth asking you loads of questions as he’ll get asked them back.

You could also try asking him, 'What are you doing right now?' If he says, 'My homework/watching TV,' or whatever, just reply, 'Focus on that.' If he says, 'Nothing' suggest something for him to do that will focus his mind off you.

Did the timing of these questions ramp up after his mum’s last relationship broke down, so he is worried that you might leave too