How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

I'd maybe expect this from a 6 year old but not a 12 year old.

I'd sit him down and ask him why he feel he needs to know where you are going, who you are talking to on the phone etc and that you don't like it and it needs to stop.

Or tell him he can ask you 2 questions but then you aren't answering any more if you feel the first option is a bit too harsh and hopefully it would help to stop it anyway.

I'd just ask what he was doing constantly questioning the reasons for my presence in my own house. Or just tell him to mind his own business.

If he said 'why are you down here, why are watching this TV?' etc I'd say 'because I'm paying for it. Now please leave me alone.'

Give him a notebook and pen and say you won't be answering any questions until dinner time and he is welcome to write them down in the meantime. He can bring his notebook to the donner table and ask anything he still needs to know then.

Give him a notebook and pen and say you won't be answering any questions until dinner time and he is welcome to write them down in the meantime. He can bring his notebook to the donner table and ask anything he still needs to know then.

If we questioned my mum too much she'd say (her beautiful Glasgow accent) "nosey for cabbage aren't we?!" And we knew then it was her polite way of saying keep ya nose out (don't say that BTW just brought back a memory of it)

In this case to avoid anything been taken the wrong way by DSS / his mum i'd definitely be asking his dad to have a word with him. Does his dad question you at all? Is it a trait only he has or is he coping it?

Give him a notebook and pen and say you won't be answering any questions until dinner time and he is welcome to write them down in the meantime. He can bring his notebook to the donner table and ask anything he still needs to know then.

I somewhat jokingly told mine that they had a certain number of questions they could ask in a day and after that there would be no answers! (It was especially important as they prefaced every question with “can I ask you a question?”)
When collecting one from a week long school trip I heard the headmaster tell him it was now ok to ask questions again!

This

Yeah! Bugger the lot of them, as long as adults are happy! P.S. I don't think mollycoddle can be used to describe treatment of a child who has already been through the war (=parents divorce).

Could you say ‘Ask your dad’?

I think that's a bit much though, there was no divorce as DH and DSS's mum were together for 8 months, split before DSS was born, DSS has no experience of his parents being together and had no involvement in any 'divorce' or even any kind of break up...

This.

Ask him back!
What are you doing down here? - what are YOU doing down here?

Why are you sitting on that coach? Why are you NOT sitting on this couch..

Keep doing in in good humour, answer every question with a question no matter how trivial.
It will peter out.

A bit extreme. There is a balance between supporting a child to feel wanted and loved whilst not letting yourself become the butt of all their questions.

OP is getting zero support from her husband and feels like she is being targeted.

This behaviour needs to be addressed now because DSS will grow emboldened if not challenged.

Constant questioning can be a sign of craving connection and security. Can you focus on deeper connecting with him intermittently and try to work out the cause. Every action has a motivation, he may be unaware of it.

OP, is your DH a good husband and father generally?

Because I can’t imagine any decent man watching this for so long and ignoring it.

Do you plan to have kids with him? I would seriously reconsider if yes.

Why are you at home? - because I live here.

Why are you working? - It's what grown-ups do to earn money.

What's that GIF about? - work.

When do you finish / do you have any meetings? - Why, are you getting hungry?

The last two are probably because he wants to know when he's going to get his dinner.

Yes, he is a good husband and an amazing father. He just doesn't see the annoyance in these questions, because they are not directed at him - that's all.

I would love to have kids with him, unfortunately I have not been able to carry a pregnancy to term but I have hope that one day I will.

He’s quite old enough to perceive that he is bothering you.

Also old enough to know that people are entitled to.privacy and it's none of his business who op is texting or phoning.

There's a difference between a general conversation about everyone's plans for the evening and 'Where are you going? Who are you going with? When will you be back?'

And he should definitely not be in a position to see op's screen and ask about it when she's working.

I would ask a question back. ‘Why do you want to know’ or ‘Do you mind’.

I wonder if his mum has something going on at home. Where she goes out a lot and he never knows when she is coming back.

OP getting zero support from her husband? I think you are mistaken - it is the poor woman whom he got pregnant without getting married years ago who got zero support.

Try answering the questions with a question. Children are usually very easily diverted. He probably wants to have a conversation.

SS: Why are you watching on this TV?
You: Have you been watching anything good recently?

Or
What have you been up to today?
How was school?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I actually don't think that's many questions from a bright (and possibly ND?) 12 yo. They are objectibvely neutral - so maybe it's his tone that's rubbing you up the wrong way op?

In which case, he's definitely old enough (even / especially if there may be some neurodiversity involved) to have a conversation about tone of voice.

Hey SD, I know you're interested in what people are up to, and that's great - but sometimes if someone asks lots of questions it can sound like an interrogation (jokingly reference a video game or film he knows.) The way we prevent that is by asking in a gentle tone of voice like this: <demonstrate tone of voice>

And sometimes we also have to understand that people are a bit too busy to answer.

And so on.

It's ridiculous you're tip-toeing around him and your home to avoid questions off a 12 year old. Woman up and put a stop to it!

Tell his dad he needs to get to the bottom of it tonight while you're out and nip it in the bud, or you will. Dad is failing him by not addressing it - either its anxiety or not understanding boundaries- but either one needs a conversation.