How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

It sounds horrendous.
Why do you think its ok that something that is both exhausting and annoying is so dismissed by your husband?

You are very kind to accept his child living with you so much, and yet he can't find the basic consideration to understand that his sons constant 40 questions is really annoying?

I think your bar is too low and you need to find your annoyance.

Well that's best time to say ask dad im sure he can answer your many questions.
Or put head phones on 😃

I would do the same back to him when he’s playing online with his mates…what are you playing? Why did you do that? Who are you talking to? Why did you say that? When will you finish? How long have you been playing?

He’ll soon realise how annoying it is when he’s the one being repeatedly questioned .

There might be some insecurity there - especially the where are you going, when are you coming back, why are you here now type questions. He's had a lot of change of his significant adults in his 8 years so far, so no surprise at all. These I'd answer with simple honesty and deal longer term by making plans clear in advance (visual family timetable on the fridge can help).

But sometimes kids just ask repeated questions, not as a way of learning any new info but just to maintain a line of contact/ touch base. The kind of conversation that goes - Mum? - yes darling? - Mummy? - Yes? - Mummy? What ? - Mummy? - What do you want ds? - oh I forgot ...
This type of conversation is like echo-sounding. The dc is sending out a blip signal to get a bounce back reading and create a connection. It's an I'm here. You're here. We're linked reassurance sound with no meaning attached to the actual words said.

I disagree with posters who think it's rude or that he should know better. Would it be rude if you asked your partner why he was home from work? Or controlling if you asked why he was going to the shops? You've identified that the questions trigger your feelings related to your past relationship but remember that's a you thing not a DSS thing. He's reassurance-seeking, not controlling.

He clearly does rely on you as a source of stability and security but his behaviour is childish because he is a child. Just tell yourself as irritating as it is, it's just a phase. Deal with it by answering sensible questions with a sensible answer, giving him lots of clarity on what's going on. By the time he's 13 you'll be delighted if you get so much interaction!

Perhaps you need to do the same to your husband until he gets annoyed and it may click he needs to parent his child.

OP you have 2 problems here, one is your SS questions and the other is your DH dismissing it. Both need to be tackled. I'm in the camp that SS is old enough to be told it is not pleasant and to pack it in. I'd have these responses on rotation:
SS, please don't constantly ask me what I am doing, it really feels like I'm being interrogated and I don't like it
SS, I've asked you not to constantly question me, please don't x 2
'None of your business' x 10
Then repeat.
I'd make a point of never answering the question (unless it is one reasonable to ask)
Onto the next one, your DH response. Firstly I'd try to talk to him again about it. I'd tell him he may think it isn't an issue but it is TO ME and if he won't do anything about it, I will have no choice but to do so. I am not going to simply accept it so does he want to fix it like a parent or force me to? Hopefully he will then help. If there are any situations that don't bother you but do bother him, I'd make a point of telling him I will no longer be helping out with 'x' as personally I don't think its a problem and it looks like that is how we do things now (not sure if such a situation exists for you. eg of the top of my head, my DH hates an unmade bed so I'd just say I don't care so if I am last up it can just stay like that till bedtime). If DH steps in after that to undermine me with a ' that wasn't called for', he would have it both barrels. I'd point out in my opinion it WAS called for and if he doesn't like it he is welcome to parent his son himself so that I don't have to.
Personally, I'd also make myself absent for a bit over the weekends. You say when you are not working he has your undivided attention - go out for the day or evening without them. It will give you a bit of a break, be some fun activities and If DH questions it you can honestly say that the constant questioning thing from SS bothers you so much you would rather not be around him for a while. Again, when it impacts DH, he may start to see a problem to address.

Hi OP - I am reading this and realising this is what I do to my DS16!

I wonder if your DSS may have a more intense need to connect with you as he is re-establishing contact after a few days apart.

Would it be worth saying to him, 'I have missed you, and you are allowed to ask me 3 questions between now and dinner - so make them good ones!'

Make a connective joke about rationing number of questions...

For me it did not matter who was born when and who left whom before I was born. Could not care less as a child that other people's parents were divorced. All that mattered to me was that my mum should be with my dad. You will find it is the wish of most children. Again, adults normalise divorce and they should not, especially when children are involved.

DH told me that wasn't called for.

There's your problem, right there.

I'd try and disrupt it by making it into a joke, give ridiculous answers, interrogate him back in a jokey way, answer him in a made up language, pretend to be a robot... that kind of thing. When he asks you a question you could also start a game of 'would you rather' or 'twenty questions' or something. He might just be wanting to connect with you and it's coming out wrong.

I disagree with PP about telling him to mind his business or variants on that.

He's clearly curious and possibly a bit anxious. Some kids are bit like this too.

I would use a phrase like "not now sweetie I am busy" to shut down the questioning. In a kind voice of course. I think just getting him to recognise when is a good time to ask questions and when is not. This may help the relentless nature of it

'Why do you ask?'. In a nice tone each time.

You're picking up on this because it's controlling behaviour and you were in an abusive relationship. You're altering your behaviour it's gotten so bad.

First, sit your husband down and have a really honest talk with him about how that's not just controlling, but rude and exhausting behaviour and not to be dismissed. His son is not entitled to question your every move. You're an autonomous person and you don't answer to his son. Tell your DH that he needs to discuss this with his son, find out where this is coming from and handle it, or you will. It's rude for anyone to interrogate another person's every move. But the interrogations have to stop now.

"Why do you want to know my every move?"

"What's with the interrogation?"

A little jokier, "Need to know only and you don't need to know."

If he keeps it up, "Nunya."

Speak to your DH so you are on the same page then speak to your SS together in a questioning way does he know he does it does he have an idea of why he does it.

It is wearing I have an AuADHD child who does this when they are stressed or when they don't know what to do/ feel awkward socially. Whilst the latter may not apply with your SS he may be using the questions as a form.of reassurance doesn't need to be SEN to try and seek reassurance.

Yes it's tiring at times I often just answer but if it gets too much then I go for a jokey not realm answer because it can be enough to change the train of thought.

Might be his mother spying on you through him

How would I handle this? Well, I’m of an age where I’d only remain in a relationship with a bloke if they stuck up for me in situations like this, not those that cowardly avoid conflict so they don’t look like the bad guy. I find that a pathetic and unattractive trait and I’d lose all respect. So, I’d probably reassess how much I prefer my life like that or single. I’m not sure re your dss though, it doesn’t sound like any malicious intent, which makes it super difficult.

That doesn't mean that stepchildren should be mollycoddled just because their parents aren't together any more.

Do you think he gets asked these questions at his other home? Or has done in the past?

I would say every single time "why do you keep asking me questions?" I would also ask him why he questions you on everything and not his dad! Ultimately you have to be direct and tell him he has to stop questioning everything you do. He's old enough to understand and needs told to stop it

Thank you everyone for your responses, much for me to consider, I'll try get back to people where I can as well.

My sister has invited me out this evening for a meal and a drink, I think I will go and get out the house and some time away from this - I feel sure that will help the feeling of dread I feel when I think about leaving my office or heading downstairs, I think I need to remove myself from it this weekend (with it being a bank holiday I have a few pub shifts anyway!) and have a serious conversation with my DH on Tuesday about how this needs to change.

DH can work out if there's any underlying anxiety or anything causing it - I don't think there is, but DH can probe more, and we can work out how to work through this and put a stop to the spanish inquisition.

I am not sure - he goes to breakfast club, school and after school club every day, and his Grandad does the school runs - he is only with his mother from 7:30pm to bedtime Monday to Thursday, with us from school on Friday to around 9pm the night before he's back at school. So I genuinely don't know much about how his life is at home with his mum. I get on with his mum, as does DH, but from what I do know he sits in his room and games until he goes to sleep when he's there.

He clearly isn’t insecure or trying to connect. He’s not 6, he’s 12. He doesn’t have SEN. He’s quite old enough to perceive that he is bothering you. At 12 his accusatory tone is deliberate.

Your husband disrespects you in front of his son and his son disrespects you by nagging you with nonstop questions. Your husband treats you like a child and parents you by chastising you in front of his son. He ignores his son’s bad behaviour towards you and thinks you should just put up with it.

You have three options: 1) Go nuclear on your husband and make it very clear that the disrespect from both he and his son stops now. No “sitting him down on Tuesday to talk” or whatever. Properly nuclear, ultimatum time. 2) Continue to be meek and not speak up. Disrespect will continue and get worse from stepson. 3) Leave.

It is beyond time for you to stand up for yourself and stop putting up with this. From both of them.

My DD went through this stage and it is exhausting but it’s just how they learn.

It's not 'just' that though, because DSS is only doing it to OP. Not his mum, not his dad, no one else.

The satirical/poem from Lewis Carrol's Alice in wonderland: 'You are old Father William...' (from the 1800s) suggests that the incessant asking of questions is not a new trial!

However, I note that your DSS's questions make you feel interrogated and watched in an unfriendly way. He sounds to be accusing you of something or criticising rather than just enquiring.

You could gently talk through the effect of the question and the tone. 'I wonder why you are asking that just now. When you say ... it sounds as if you mean ...'

If he is 12/13 it would probably be good for him to learn how he is being received when he asks in this way/tone. It isn't always something children pick up easily and it is really useful!

Or you could (jokily) just note that he is asking a lot of dull questions these days and tell him that from now on you each have a three dull question daily allowance :).

This could be useful to you later when he becomes a sulky teen and doesn't want to tell you things or answer your questions :)

The poem/song
(I agree with Fr William that three questions are enough ...but might not go for the Victorian punishment):

"You are old, father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head —
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
"I feared it would injure the brain;
But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."

"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door —
Pray, what is the reason of that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment — one shilling the box —
Allow me to sell you a couple."

"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak —
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the youth; one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose —
What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father; "don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"

I grew up in the 70s and my parents were very much adults don't explain themselves to children. My mother had a great way of answering with a dull non-answer. "How much did that cost?" "Money". "How long are you going to be working for?" "As long as it takes", "Why are you doing that?" "It's just what people do" etc. It's only looking back, I see her method!

Edited to say: to be more helpful, I think I asked a lot of questions because I was a bright kid trying to work out how the adult world worked. I genuinely wanted to know the answers.