Teenage boys response to me in pub has really bothered me. Why?

[Peonie20]

Hi,

I have just noticed there is already a "rate me" style thread going and this is purely coincidental, as I was coming on to say that I was recently rated in person, which was of course incredibly rude, as I didn't ask to be, but I was annoyed at myself! I was annoyed because I let a couple of teenage boys opinions on my level of attractiveness bother me. This is what happened...

I was at my local pub with my partner and teenage daughter. It was early doors, but a Friday night and a little more rowdy than usual. There was a table of 18 year old boys very close to us ( I heard them discussing their age - not a guess) I noticed one was looking at me a lot, to the point it made me quite uncomfortable and self conscious. I was trying to ignore and just engage with my partner and DD, but I heard him say very loudly "check her out". Then a couple of them changed seats to look directly at me and one then got up to go to the loo, looked at his mate and shrugged "nahhh".

It made me feel absolutely horrible in all honestly. I'm at that stage (42) where I've noticed I've become a bit invisible over the past few years, but was used to getting lots of attention before then. It's a weird transition, as I didn't always like the attention, but the invisibility seems so sudden and stark.

I was really cross with the guy who was staring at me, making me feeling so uncomfortable, but I suppose we've still be conditioned as women to think that if someone is saying you're attractive, that's a positive thing. To then be told (indirectly) that you're not, suddenly makes you question yourself again. Firstly, well what's wrong with me?? And then, hang on...why on earth do I care what some 18 year old boy thinks of me?! So I ended up judging myself twice!

Anyway, it's really stayed with me and I'm cross at myself for letting it.

I suspect lots of you can relate to this feeling?... Or am I just being absolutely ridiculous? 😬

Do you live under a rock?

I love that your post about immature idiots had attracted immature idiots.

At 18 I wouldn’t have fancied a 42 year old no matter how gorgeous they were. I don’t think that’s odd.

The staring and rating isn’t ok.

I'm sorry that happened to you. It's misogyny and it's horrible, it's not a case of 'ah, silly boys' or any of that crap. Some of these replies are seriously off.

I think with things like this it can help to acknowledge that you do feel hurt/upset/belittled first.

Name the feelings and allow yourself to sit with them for a couple of hours or so - but no longer. Once you acknowledge them it's easier to dismiss them and realise that those stupid little boys aren't worth paying attention to. At the moment, you're trying to move on before you've really recognised that in the moment you felt hurt or belittled.

It's not giving way to their comments either - no one expects to hear personal derogatory comments directed at them when they're out. It feels like an attack and that's because it is quite an abusive thing to do.

There's a reason cat-calling makes women feel terrible, it's not simply that you were insulted but that young men saw fit to degrade you in public. It's OK to acknowledge how that feels before you rise above it.

And rise above it you will.

My advice is don't go where groups of 18 year olds go. First sign of any confronting/uncomfortable behaviour like that move away from them - doesn't matter who they are. Lads that age are full of hormones & themselves, they think it's funny intimidating women of any age - well anybody - they wouldn't be bothered that you had your DH with you & he's better off not engaging with them because there's more of them.

You might get 1 or 2 decent lads in a crowd like that who have been brought up to respect other people but they won't step forward cos they're with their mates.

So choose your venues if you want a nice evening out & read the room (as they say) before settling down somewhere. 🫤

I wouldn't have liked to be in that situation either & when I was younger I'd most likely have said something to shut them up like 'isn't it time for your last feed soon' but not recommended these days.

It’s rude, it’s a form of bullying/showing off to their mates by making you feel uncomfortable. This has happened a few times in my life and always teenage boys (saying things like who let the dogs out) while you walk past.

This is about their behaviour and not about you or your appearance

That’s straying into ‘well it’s your fault as you shouldn’t have been there’ territory

This, my DP would have ensured they needed a new set of teeth

I wish I would be able to say something but really, my confidence is a tenth of what it was in my 30s and if I tried I’d probably blush madly, trip over my words and the adrenaline rush would possibly make me borderline tearful.

But I take my hat off to those that can and do challenge this shit

This is what I have been trying badly to articulate, thank you

It all sounds very strange, unsettling and annoying.
My first thought if I was a 42 yr old that a group of 18 year old lads seemed to be assessing would not be that they were considering my attractiveness. I think 18 yr olds see anyone over 30 as 'old'. Over 40 I don't think we even rate as worthy of grading. Sorry :(
For him to keep looking and be mentioning it to his mates I would be thinking they thought I might be someone off the TV, that I was a teacher they had back in 6th grade etc etc. And that the 'naah' was a disagrement.
Is it possible you interpreted it as being eyed up sexually when it was nothing of the sort?

What's the difference between manosphere and lad culture tho? 🤔

Is that how you organise your thoughts? boring vs soothing?

Do you look like the turnip you are, or is that hidden behind a tan and a wig?

I'm sure when you thought about your statement it was hilarious to you but, in print, I think we both regret your actions.

When it comes to regret, you should have the edge

the reason they rated a 40 yo is because young men who are incels/manosphere (increasing percentage) are trying to extend their 'Reach'.

Because they are misogynists, it's in their interests to show that all manner of women - from 14, say, to 80 - are within their realm of incel judgement.

Let's call it the Farange. That is, the range of women in any given population that nasty sore-cocked weak men feel they can cast judgement on.

And yet, I don't.

er no

Pity.

<@pennythought anxiously scans the mirror - shit, maybe there are turnip tendencies. No surely, more like a potato. A bold, brave potato. Fuck that bitch, I have no turnip tendencies!>

@thestudio as much as I enjoy your 'creative' writing, it's late and I think a male child, could have been 18 or so, just stuck his tongue out at me and called me a doo doo head!

I'm going to retire to my bedroom, cry and then, like the strong independent woman I am, going to lead the vanguard against misogyny and post all about it tomorrow on MN while I wipe my tears.

I do hope you'll show up with your proactive banner and be as sympathetic and supportive as you have been here.👊😍

what? but ok, good night, sleep tight etc.

My son is almost 18 and although almost legally an adult and most of his friends already are they are just big kids to me, I’d never take their opinion seriously at ALL in terms of how they rate me or my looks etc. It would be weird!

Her DP is a woman...

That's a bit harsh...!