Teenage boys response to me in pub has really bothered me. Why?

[Peonie20]

Hi,

I have just noticed there is already a "rate me" style thread going and this is purely coincidental, as I was coming on to say that I was recently rated in person, which was of course incredibly rude, as I didn't ask to be, but I was annoyed at myself! I was annoyed because I let a couple of teenage boys opinions on my level of attractiveness bother me. This is what happened...

I was at my local pub with my partner and teenage daughter. It was early doors, but a Friday night and a little more rowdy than usual. There was a table of 18 year old boys very close to us ( I heard them discussing their age - not a guess) I noticed one was looking at me a lot, to the point it made me quite uncomfortable and self conscious. I was trying to ignore and just engage with my partner and DD, but I heard him say very loudly "check her out". Then a couple of them changed seats to look directly at me and one then got up to go to the loo, looked at his mate and shrugged "nahhh".

It made me feel absolutely horrible in all honestly. I'm at that stage (42) where I've noticed I've become a bit invisible over the past few years, but was used to getting lots of attention before then. It's a weird transition, as I didn't always like the attention, but the invisibility seems so sudden and stark.

I was really cross with the guy who was staring at me, making me feeling so uncomfortable, but I suppose we've still be conditioned as women to think that if someone is saying you're attractive, that's a positive thing. To then be told (indirectly) that you're not, suddenly makes you question yourself again. Firstly, well what's wrong with me?? And then, hang on...why on earth do I care what some 18 year old boy thinks of me?! So I ended up judging myself twice!

Anyway, it's really stayed with me and I'm cross at myself for letting it.

I suspect lots of you can relate to this feeling?... Or am I just being absolutely ridiculous? 😬

For me it’s not the being “rated” by pretty much children.

It’s more (and I’ve witnessed similar to what OP writes) that despite so much progress we are in a time where young men/men can comfortably and openly act with such disrespect.

And it’s also the factor that while I wouldn’t give a shit what a silly kid thought I would be very embarrassed to be rated like that, without asking for that, within earshot of other people.

Manosphere type behaviour is very worrying. My ds would not be in my good books if he was so disrespectful and rude.

Though it's very easy to have confidence knocked when anyone of any age is rude so I do feel for you. I may be a feminist but I have feelings.

This!

I don't think you're being ridiculous; we spend most of our lives having it hammered into us that the most important thing is gaining male approval of our appearance and someone being shitty like those young men were will always have the potential to be hurtful

Which is why, if they haven’t learnt respect by then, it’s fine to put them in their box. And it just make them think twice next time (and you are doing young women everywhere a favour!)

They were incredibly rude but I don’t understand why you are disappointed that an 18 year old wasn’t attracted to you at your age.

Surely that would be extremely unusual?

I agree they should be ignored, I think they are just after a reaction from you. I know we do our best to look attractive and any bad comment makes us question our looks and clothing. I always try my best and wear dresses whenever practical as I think they make me look nice.

That's not what this is about.

she's appalled that young men think it's ok to treat women like this.

Then, on top of that, she's appalled that she's internalised the shit male value system that we all live inside to the extent that her pride has been hurt.

Jesus. Do so few of us have critical thinking skills these days?

Most 18 year olds don’t find 42 year olds attractive. Not should they.

Yeah I get it.

I was out jogging one day in the sunshine along the pier and paused confused which exit to take. I have very sallow skin and people often take me for Spanish or Brazilian when I've a tan which I did. I had earphones in but the music had stopped and I realised the teenage boys were mid conversation about me thinking I couldn't understand them. I heard a few sentences which led quickly to "she's hot AF'" to "fuck off, she's a dog"

Like you, I shouldn't have cared a jot but I felt a sort of stab.

And to the posters saying 18 year olds wouldn't look at a 40 year old woman you are very very wrong - maybe not all 40 year old women but many.

They may not find MOST 40 year olds attractive but they definitely do find some.

So why voice it? I wouldn’t randomly go up to an 85 year old man and say nah. These young men are not ones I would like my own sons to be like (and thankfully they’re not). These are 18 yr olds already looking at women as pieces of meat.

My interpretation was that she was bothered as a " middle-aged" woman who was already feeling invisible but then being insulted by what aren't far off children.

Unless you're actually the OP you can fuck right off with the critical thinking insult. You can make your own comment without slagging off other posters. 🙄

Aimed at @thestudio

"He should be so lucky."? No 18-year-old boy wants to get with an old 40 year old woman who has wrinkles and is aging. 18-year-old boys do not find 40 year old women attractive. he'd want to be with a girl his own age.

@Peonie20 I suppose we've still be conditioned as women to think that if someone is saying you're attractive, that's a positive thing.

Why do you think that's a woman-specific thing? Given that attractive people have more opportunities in life, go further in their careers, and find it easier to make friends, is it not safe to say that being attractive is a beneficial thing?

To then be told (indirectly) that you're not, suddenly makes you question yourself again. Firstly, well what's wrong with me?? And then, hang on...why on earth do I care what some 18 year old boy thinks of me?! So I ended up judging myself twice!**

Men very quickly learn they are ugly at a young age and the experience you are describing is one that is a normal part of life for men. So don't worry, you will get used to not being attractive.

Yep. That's so true. My husband has been friends with my brother since they were aged 5. He admitted he thought my mum was super attractive/had a crush on her when he was 16 (and she was 36). She was indeed a stunning woman....and is still attractive at 82!
Nobody ever knew this, least of all my mum......he didn't tell anyone but me years after we got married! I was shocked but also not surprised.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the "manosphere." This is just "lad culture", which predates both the "manosphere" and the internet.

I wouldn't be bothered by some stupid kids' opinion of my attractiveness, though I can understand that, no matter how worthless their opinions are, it hurts when people try to hurt you.

I would be deeply offended by their sheer aggressive rudeness. And then I'd feel ashamed that I wouldn't have the courage to confront a bunch of hostile young men. So they'd have achieved their aim of spoiling a random stranger's evening out. Best thing is probably to ignore them.

I agree. Some people miss the point by such a distance that I presume they're trying to make this fit an agenda of their own.

They made the OP distressed.
At the time she didn’t feel able to put them down.

Her DH doesn’t have to ‘protect her’ as you say. But perhaps he or she likes to do so because they care if she is feeling ridiculed by some people who she feels unable to deal with.

Being mum to a boy, I agree 100%. x

It is sexism but I'm pretty sure a 42yo man would also be hurt if he heard teen girls making similar comments (which would of course be unlikely)

Manosphere blogs, from what I've seen, do give long info on how women should be rated, who exactly is a 10 etc. But of course rating looks predates the internet..!

I agree with the first part, but what do you mean by the second? Are you saying most men are ugly??

Give over. A 42 year old woman and a teen boy. Its all so performative.