Teenage boys response to me in pub has really bothered me. Why?

[Peonie20]

Hi,

I have just noticed there is already a "rate me" style thread going and this is purely coincidental, as I was coming on to say that I was recently rated in person, which was of course incredibly rude, as I didn't ask to be, but I was annoyed at myself! I was annoyed because I let a couple of teenage boys opinions on my level of attractiveness bother me. This is what happened...

I was at my local pub with my partner and teenage daughter. It was early doors, but a Friday night and a little more rowdy than usual. There was a table of 18 year old boys very close to us ( I heard them discussing their age - not a guess) I noticed one was looking at me a lot, to the point it made me quite uncomfortable and self conscious. I was trying to ignore and just engage with my partner and DD, but I heard him say very loudly "check her out". Then a couple of them changed seats to look directly at me and one then got up to go to the loo, looked at his mate and shrugged "nahhh".

It made me feel absolutely horrible in all honestly. I'm at that stage (42) where I've noticed I've become a bit invisible over the past few years, but was used to getting lots of attention before then. It's a weird transition, as I didn't always like the attention, but the invisibility seems so sudden and stark.

I was really cross with the guy who was staring at me, making me feeling so uncomfortable, but I suppose we've still be conditioned as women to think that if someone is saying you're attractive, that's a positive thing. To then be told (indirectly) that you're not, suddenly makes you question yourself again. Firstly, well what's wrong with me?? And then, hang on...why on earth do I care what some 18 year old boy thinks of me?! So I ended up judging myself twice!

Anyway, it's really stayed with me and I'm cross at myself for letting it.

I suspect lots of you can relate to this feeling?... Or am I just being absolutely ridiculous? 😬

At 42 I had an 18yo DS. I'd be shocked if he'd found my friends a prospective partner. I assume that's what the question was, not whether you were attractive.

I think you're being quite weird.

I simply reminded you that you don't speak for everyone, so best leave it there.

The fact is these boys were being incredibly rude. Whether they thought you were fanciable or not, it's pathetic to be staring and discussing you in earshot of you and your family.

I suspect my husband would have given them a flea in their ear too, if he could get to them before I did.
.

I asked a question. You made a statement.

Meh. I couldn’t even begin to get worked up about this if I’m honest. I’d probably have been more bothered if he’d turned round and gone ‘phhhhwooaar she’s a bit of alright!’

They were undoubtedly rude, and shouldn’t have been so blatant, but they’re 18 year olds with underdeveloped frontal lobes and a bad attitude. Hopefully someone or something will put them in their places at some point, but I look back on myself at 18 and cringe at the thought of how I acted, so I reckon all is not lost for them either…

I don't think it's yuk that an 18 year old might find a 40 year old attractive though.

If you check back on my post, I said it's yuk that they did it (rated you).

It's a horrible thing to do to any human, male or female.

Because she’s human and as much as we don’t want to care, our brains do weird things.

I get it op. I had a really gross guy come up and tell me I’m “the ugly one” in my group on a night out. My logical brain looked at this overweight sweaty man and thought “I don’t care what he thinks”… but annoyingly it did upset me because emotions bypass logic. I’m happily married to a good looking man who thinks I’m beautiful so the feeling soon passed but it still pops into my head years later.

I have teenage daughters and the idea of the boys in their friendship group thinking of me in that way for a second would make me feel gross to be honest. I wasn’t a fan of teenage boys when I was a teenager and less so now (there are some nice ones).

I wouldn't care if they fancied me or not, but that's just plain bloody rude. Maybe someone should pull them up on their manners.

Be creepy if he did fancy you ..he's still a child in my eyes
Yuk ..huge age gap ..not nice

@swqa I have just double checked your post and you did say " yuk that you were bothered"

As someone who spent all her young adult life being called 'ugly' and worse by random men in public, I completely understand why this has upset you.

There you are, minding your own business, trying to enjoy a night out - and suddenly, it's like a bucket of cold water has been chucked over your head and you feel humiliated and self-conscious.

No, we should not be making the excuses for this that they are young, have undeveloped frontal lobes etc. "We've all done stupid things when we were young" - well, I have never done the stupid thing of humiliating a stranger, but even if I had, two wrongs don't make a right.

There's nothing I can say that will make this better now, but the embarrassment will fade in time, OP - sending sympathy.

I can understand why this stung OP. I think a lot of us have had a lifetime of our bodies being appraised- positively or negative- by men, almost always without invitation. By the time you're in your 40s most of that has died down a bit, so I'd imagine this could take you by surprise.

I agree, we can get hurt when some oik, even though he wouldn't be fit to lick your boots, comes out with such a horrible personal remark.
It shouldn't bother us, but when we are young, it stays with us.

I remember some creep circling me in a dance hall, I must have passed muster because he slimed up to me to ask me to dance, obviously I refused (politely) as he walked away he said..'I only asked because I felt sorry for you'.

I find that amusing now, when I was 18, I was hurt and angry.

Very misogynistic of them and offensive. Women do not exist to be decorative and pleasing to the male gaze. Dehumanising and disrespectful of them to stare intrusively and rate you in that way (at all, but doubly so in your earshot). Gross. Their young age doesn't make it okay either. They need to learn good manners and respect for women!

Yes, I was picking up on the bit that you got wrong.

In my mind an 18 year old lad is still very much a boy, so for me personally it would induce a 'yuk' feeling to be bothered by a teenage boy not fancying me when I'm old enough to have given birth to him.

Not how everyone sees it, but it is how I see it.

Teenage boys always have been fucking mining. One of my brothers mates once drunkenly made a pass at my mum when he was 16 and she never told my dad (to be fair he would have probably ripped his head off which wouldn’t have helped anyone) but it made her really uncomfortable. Even at 16 he was physically bigger than her and stronger than her. Teenage boys know they can be intimidating to women but the know they can get away with passing that shit off as banter. It’s not every teenage boy ever before someone comes in and says “not my son” but it’s a lot of them and they way they behave shows feminism still has a way to fucking go.

I honestly feel similar. It’s v odd becoming invisible and it happened overnight.

What happened to you is unacceptable whatever the ‘rate’. With hindsight you should have challenged

I suspect I’d have felt the same. A life time of conditioning that men can legitimately judge and rate us on our appearance and it’s somehow our fault if we don’t please them can’t just be magicked away however much we know it’s totally wrong. I agree it’s horrible to feel angry with yourself for caring but maybe worth standing back and thinking about all the processes that will have been working on you since you were a little girl, designed to make you care.

I would be quite pleased that a drunk 18 year old was definitely not interested in me.
Had quite enough of them when I was actually 18

Imagine if a man in his 40s starting a thread about an 18 year woman not finding him sexually attractive

The reality is despite protestations most people care what other people think of them. It does get less the older you get but maybe it’s inbuilt - I think men care too although they hide it better. It’s all very well to say what do you care what some drunk 18 year olds think Pell but I don’t think anyone likes someone directly pointing out that they are not attractive no matter who it is so while yes it’s ridiculous that it bothered you I do get it in some way

Good grief! I know, talk about a low bar.

I don't get why you say you're 'invisible' when clearly you have been seen (and 'rated')

Is this what women mean when they say they're invisible since getting older? I'm in my mid-fifties and have really wondered, because the last thing I feel is invisible. But if it just means that young blokes don't chat you up or flatter you anymore, then yeah. Maybe we should stop calling it 'invisibility' though, because it's clearly not that.

No one here can answer why it bothers you so much. Personally I would have said something back to them, even something like, "You do know I can hear your whole conversation, and I find it childish and rude." Maybe try sticking up for yourself next time and see if that makes a difference to how you feel.

I would be very surprised if a group of 18 year old women started 'rating' a 40+-year old man in a pub and loudly telling him they didn't fancy him.

Even if it occurred to them to do it, they'd probably worry that he'd take it as some kind of come-on.

I think if a young woman had commented that she wasn't attractive it would still have had an effect.
Personal insults about ones physical appearance are not nice.