Teenage boys response to me in pub has really bothered me. Why?

[Peonie20]

Hi,

I have just noticed there is already a "rate me" style thread going and this is purely coincidental, as I was coming on to say that I was recently rated in person, which was of course incredibly rude, as I didn't ask to be, but I was annoyed at myself! I was annoyed because I let a couple of teenage boys opinions on my level of attractiveness bother me. This is what happened...

I was at my local pub with my partner and teenage daughter. It was early doors, but a Friday night and a little more rowdy than usual. There was a table of 18 year old boys very close to us ( I heard them discussing their age - not a guess) I noticed one was looking at me a lot, to the point it made me quite uncomfortable and self conscious. I was trying to ignore and just engage with my partner and DD, but I heard him say very loudly "check her out". Then a couple of them changed seats to look directly at me and one then got up to go to the loo, looked at his mate and shrugged "nahhh".

It made me feel absolutely horrible in all honestly. I'm at that stage (42) where I've noticed I've become a bit invisible over the past few years, but was used to getting lots of attention before then. It's a weird transition, as I didn't always like the attention, but the invisibility seems so sudden and stark.

I was really cross with the guy who was staring at me, making me feeling so uncomfortable, but I suppose we've still be conditioned as women to think that if someone is saying you're attractive, that's a positive thing. To then be told (indirectly) that you're not, suddenly makes you question yourself again. Firstly, well what's wrong with me?? And then, hang on...why on earth do I care what some 18 year old boy thinks of me?! So I ended up judging myself twice!

Anyway, it's really stayed with me and I'm cross at myself for letting it.

I suspect lots of you can relate to this feeling?... Or am I just being absolutely ridiculous? 😬

I know a group of 18/nearly 19 yr old boys quite well for reasons connected to my DD and DS.

There is not a cell in my body that would be bothered to discover that they don’t find me attractive. I’d honestly feel slightly nauseous if they did as I’m old enough to be their mother.

I don’t feel invisible because a young man that’s barely out of childhood doesn’t find me rateable. Quite honestly I SHOULD be invisible to them in terns of attractiveness. I do think it’s yucky and weird.

Whether he was rude to comment on your attractiveness so loudly and openly is a separate matter. Of course he was. They were being cocky little shits which isn’t uncommon for some 18 yr old boys.

A partner going over to scold them would be even more humiliating. Guaranteed they’d find it hilarious, either in the moment or later.

You either put them in their place yourself or you ignore them.

I think the option I chose would depend on their general demeanour and whether I thought they’d find it funny to get attention from the cross older woman.

Or give them a bit of their own treatment with a long cold stare.

Anyway, really don’t give it headspace OP. I’m sure you wouldn’t care if your DD’s male friends don’t find you attractive so don’t give these childish lads a second thought.

I hope they have cause to come to Liverpool. We don't hold back asking 'what are you looking at?' 😆 bloody teenagers.

When that happens, we can talk about that. 🤷‍♀️

Teenage boys are idiots. Everyone knows that. In 15 years time they themselves will (hopefully) realise that they were idiots at the time. Don't dwell on it.

Just ignore them- or if you are really angry stare at the nahhh ones crotch for a full 5 minutes once he's noticed shake your head sadly and look away.

Right?? I feel like someone should have said “simmer down lads” or something similar….

That’s even more cringe than the way the boys were behaving. At least they’ve got the dubious “excuse” of youth. Your grown man partner going to their table and making a twat of himself because of something they may or may not have even said, that if you were that bothered you could have sorted out? Embarrassing.

What is it with adult women who want men to intervene for them?

I’ve had this type of experience a lot in my life. Groups of men judging me in front of my face, thinking I can’t hear them, and some concluding I am attractive while others conclude I am not. I am familiar with that feeling of uncertainty of your own attractiveness after.

However, this phrase is helpful: “You can be the world’s juiciest peach, but not everyone is going to like peaches”

I've had a rude comment about my appearance being called out whilst I was in my driveway, weeding.

I just called back: "Seriously? I'm old enough to be your granny!" (I'm now in my 60s, so if it happens again it'll be "great-granny".)

I had a group of teenage boys keep sneaking over and poking me in the back and then pretending to look away when I turned around. They fell apart when I told customer service what they'd been doing, one literally started scream-shouting. Bizarre.

Not sure if you think 18 year old women find men in their 40s attractive?

Or men are too resilient not to care if young women don’t fancy them?

Either way 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I was rated 9 in a German pub once, until I realised the men were just saying Yes or No 🤷🏻

Try and remember what you thought of people in their 40s when you were 18. I know for me, they seemed ancient. It's completely normal for someone to not be attracted to someone old enough to be their parent.
They were very rude though. I'd hoped the younger generation had moved on a bit from thar laddish behaviour.

It's really not nice to be rated so obviously like that.

It made me feel absolutely horrible in all honestly. I'm at that stage (42) where I've noticed I've become a bit invisible over the past few years, but was used to getting lots of attention before then. It's a weird transition, as I didn't always like the attention, but the invisibility seems so sudden and stark

I'm glad you have self-awareness because I was going to tell you to get a grip for your own good OP. It's perfectly ok for people to not be attracted to people much older than themselves. 10 years? Maybe, but not 20+. That other young man is the norm, whereas his friend is obviously more open to the idea of fancying older women.

We've had our days of being attractive to a very wide age group. Even men have to accept that they are not desirable for most women that are 20 years younger than then.

They're just kids. I'd find it pretty creepy and unnerving if kids were looking at me in that way, but if I overheard they didn't rate me I think I'd probably laugh, very likely out loud. Glad I'm past all that tbh.

Nothing makes the ego of a teenage boy deflate more than implying they are silly little boys. I recommend it strongly as it had never failed to make them shut up

I said to some boys, "Stop pushing through the train barriers". But to one I said, "You're ok, 10 years and under go free" He was fucking fuming

Excellent 🤣🤣🤣

@Peonie20
As a mum in my early 40’s with an adult son, I have to agree with others that this is the default “norm”.
Of course there are young men who can find women in their forties attractive, for various reasons, particularly if they intentionally display sexual maturity and appeal, but on the whole most 18 year olds will be attracted to those similar in age.

They were clearly rude, but I think that the hurt you are feeling has more to do with how much of your self esteem is based on your looks, rather than your personality.

Yes they are, but this comment smacks of "boys will be boys".
Has anyone got a good smack down for this type of comment/male behaviour?
I fear that there isn't anything a woman can say to stop it, and it's depressing that no man in ear shot stops the misogyny. Depressing but not surprising.

"Not all men"....100%of men live in the patriarchy and 100% wouldn't have it any other way

Some posters are being a bit harsh on the OP.... she was only reflecting on it and being honest and self aware!

OP, I'm sure most of us get where you're coming from. We've all got an ego, and it's nice to feel flattered even when it's not exactly appropriate eg with age gap. The same goes for the opposite - nobody likes to feel unflattered. However, here's a little ego boost for you - I reckon them even considering you in their (rude) discussion shows that they thought you were attractive, as compared to someone like me who I don't think would even been on their radar!

It is depressing though that people still objectify others like that.... it always used to be that way, but I thought that over the last decade we had moved forward a bit in terms of what is socially acceptable.

I’d have said at the lad who said naah, “And I would hope not! I could be your mother!”. That would probably give him enough ick to put him off his beer. (In my case probably old enough to be his gran).

Haha im the embarrassing parent that would have gone over and whispered in his ear that id break him and watch him squirm. If he didn't squirm, id (jokingly) offer him to the carpark knowing full well he wouldnt have the balls.

But im ex military so that kinda stuff doesnt phase me.....

Look him up and down. Then go naaaaah

Can I ask if you are also attracted to men? I can understand feeling this way if you are, but not so much if you're not attracted to men.