Teenage boys response to me in pub has really bothered me. Why?

[Peonie20]

Hi,

I have just noticed there is already a "rate me" style thread going and this is purely coincidental, as I was coming on to say that I was recently rated in person, which was of course incredibly rude, as I didn't ask to be, but I was annoyed at myself! I was annoyed because I let a couple of teenage boys opinions on my level of attractiveness bother me. This is what happened...

I was at my local pub with my partner and teenage daughter. It was early doors, but a Friday night and a little more rowdy than usual. There was a table of 18 year old boys very close to us ( I heard them discussing their age - not a guess) I noticed one was looking at me a lot, to the point it made me quite uncomfortable and self conscious. I was trying to ignore and just engage with my partner and DD, but I heard him say very loudly "check her out". Then a couple of them changed seats to look directly at me and one then got up to go to the loo, looked at his mate and shrugged "nahhh".

It made me feel absolutely horrible in all honestly. I'm at that stage (42) where I've noticed I've become a bit invisible over the past few years, but was used to getting lots of attention before then. It's a weird transition, as I didn't always like the attention, but the invisibility seems so sudden and stark.

I was really cross with the guy who was staring at me, making me feeling so uncomfortable, but I suppose we've still be conditioned as women to think that if someone is saying you're attractive, that's a positive thing. To then be told (indirectly) that you're not, suddenly makes you question yourself again. Firstly, well what's wrong with me?? And then, hang on...why on earth do I care what some 18 year old boy thinks of me?! So I ended up judging myself twice!

Anyway, it's really stayed with me and I'm cross at myself for letting it.

I suspect lots of you can relate to this feeling?... Or am I just being absolutely ridiculous? 😬

Yeah, I mean we wouldn't expect 40 year old men to be attractive to 18yo girls, so why vice versa?

No absolutely, OP, it's understandable that this sort of thing would affect you. It's the open way they did it, vulgar and either unaware of how they can be heard or even worse, they know people can hear them and are getting a kick out of being so flagrantly rude/misogynistic.

If it helps it will have nothing to do with you or how you look, you could be any woman and they would have done the same. Hopefully they develop some self awareness or else no woman of any age will want anything to do with them.

It's more about rudely audibly discussing someone in front of them, imo.

I think it's quite normal for an 18yo boy to not be attracted to a 42yo woman. Especially one who obviously already has a partner and child.

TBH, I'm fairly passive aggressive, and would probably have stared back, or asked, "Can I help you?"

Yes, it seems odd they wouldn't rate the girl/woman who is actually their age

You have a more patient husband than mine as mine would have told tem to show some respect but why are worried about what a child thinks of you? 18 year olds have teh brain of 13 year olds these days anyway , they are all so dumb

You were sitting at a table of 3 women, a couple of them moved seats to look at you, one went to the loo, I'm guessing others went to the bar.
They must have looked at all 3 of you if they were "rating", but you only heard remarks about you. It's a nasty game, they're not children, but you can rise above it.

Would your DH not afford you sufficient respect to let you deal with it?

A similar thing happened to me recently when 2 men came over to tell my 2 friends how beautiful they both were...and then looked at me and said 'no offence you're great too BUT...'
I am laughing typing this now but I felt so sad afterwards, it really took the wind out of my sails after what had previously been a fantasic night with great food and conversation with lovely women. I consider myself a feminist but I guess I need to brush up on my internalised misogyny.
I have no words of wisdom to offer you op just solidarity!

You are old enough to be their mother and so that is how they see you, especially as you were there with your teenage daughter, who is likely more on their radar.

Kindly, I have to wonder if they were actually referring to you....

Tbh @Peonie20 this would have just made me roll my eyes.

But, yes, it was incredibly rude, and I can understand why you were upset by it - nobody wants to be "measured up" when they're out for a quiet drink with the family.

I guess there is one crumb of comfort though - at least one of them thought you were worth checking out 😁😁😁

Teenage boys opinions on most things are not very high on my list of things I care about. This is from someone who has a son before someone comes at me about that. There seems to be a period in a man’s life generally between childhood and manhood where they really make poor decisions and do not think very clearly.

You really should not care what they thought. But you should care about their talking making you feel uncomfortable.
Your options are to talk to them and small them out.
Move to another table.
Leave and when doing so explain why you are to the manager. You would like to stay but….
Ensure your DH looks mean enough to stifle the conversation fast. This cannot always be the case granted.

Many pubs will also have a man behind the bar who will be used to turfing people out.

No , because I’m 100 times worse than he would probably be lol so he would know him dealing with it woudo be better 🤣

You’re joking.. when I turned 40 is when all the lads young enough to be my son started coming on to me, they love “cougars”

OP trust me, if you have looked at yourself then you are not and won’t become invisible. I get more attention (mostly unwanted) than ever in my 40s and now it’s from all ages. They can sense we are at our sexual peak, confident, look good.

Why does the DH have to protect her like a damsel in distress? She is a grown woman and teenage boys are easy to put down if they think you are laughing at them.!

Younger men can absolutely be attracted to older women, I was when I was younger going around my friends, I was normally more attracted to their mums rather than sister, and the thing about it it's safe to have that attraction, because an older woman is very unlikely to take advantage.

So yes many younger guys do flnd older woman attractive but they should absolutely keep it to themselves not make s woman feel uncomfortable.

You’ve really got to start not giving a shiny shit.

This reminds me of the phrase “don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from”

If you wouldn’t date any of these 18 year lads then it doesn’t matter, your worth as a human is way more than a teenage boy (or males) finding you attractive.

I agree : op has a female partner though according to update in the 4th post.

Well then they fuck around and find out. You can’t let the little shits think you need a big strong man to protect you, specially when you don’t 🤣

Or DW as she says her partner is female? I agree that she shouldn't need protecting by a partner.

.

Still, I think it's normal for a lot of young people not to consider older adults in that way.

Are most 18yo girls interested in 40+ men that much, if at all?

It was rude and insulting behaviour, however the fact you think it is a BAD thing that 18 year old boys don't fancy you is wierd 😳