Teenage boys response to me in pub has really bothered me. Why?

[Peonie20]

Hi,

I have just noticed there is already a "rate me" style thread going and this is purely coincidental, as I was coming on to say that I was recently rated in person, which was of course incredibly rude, as I didn't ask to be, but I was annoyed at myself! I was annoyed because I let a couple of teenage boys opinions on my level of attractiveness bother me. This is what happened...

I was at my local pub with my partner and teenage daughter. It was early doors, but a Friday night and a little more rowdy than usual. There was a table of 18 year old boys very close to us ( I heard them discussing their age - not a guess) I noticed one was looking at me a lot, to the point it made me quite uncomfortable and self conscious. I was trying to ignore and just engage with my partner and DD, but I heard him say very loudly "check her out". Then a couple of them changed seats to look directly at me and one then got up to go to the loo, looked at his mate and shrugged "nahhh".

It made me feel absolutely horrible in all honestly. I'm at that stage (42) where I've noticed I've become a bit invisible over the past few years, but was used to getting lots of attention before then. It's a weird transition, as I didn't always like the attention, but the invisibility seems so sudden and stark.

I was really cross with the guy who was staring at me, making me feeling so uncomfortable, but I suppose we've still be conditioned as women to think that if someone is saying you're attractive, that's a positive thing. To then be told (indirectly) that you're not, suddenly makes you question yourself again. Firstly, well what's wrong with me?? And then, hang on...why on earth do I care what some 18 year old boy thinks of me?! So I ended up judging myself twice!

Anyway, it's really stayed with me and I'm cross at myself for letting it.

I suspect lots of you can relate to this feeling?... Or am I just being absolutely ridiculous? 😬

Were they looking at your DDs back and the one boy walked past to see her from the other side. Maybe they thought they recognised her. I can't think why they would be staring at a 40 year old woman, unless you were wearing something low cut in which case they might have been ogling. If your DP heard/saw this going on didn't he say anything to them?

That poster has a number of interesting takes about things.

The thing is, the "Nahh" said by the lad doesn't mean he thinks the OP is unattractive anyway.

It may just mean he thinks she's too old and that's why he didn't fancy her.

Which considering he's probably still at school or recently just left, is a completely normal reaction and not a slight on the OP at all.

This sort of thing would make me very angry rather than upset. It’s very fucking rude and presumptuous to sit around rating people’s attractiveness in public. I like to think I would have called them out for their misogyny, but not sure I would.

We really need to raise our children to get past the idea that a person’s worth is in what their meat suit looks like. These boys’ parents have failed them. If I found out my 18 year-old son had done this, I’d be gutted and it would change the way I see him. His Dad and I would be making efforts to get him to see women as people, perhaps by introducing him to research on some of the many amazing, accomplished women who have contributed to this world in literature, music, art, science, politics and beyond. They need to see women as people and clearly these boys do not.

I have a son and find this behaviour indefensible.

How do you know how many 'boy mums' are on this thread?

And why would having sons mean they'll automatically defend it?

You're bothered because the first lads attention gave you a little lift and made you feel a bit still got it Mrs Robinson, only to have the rug pulled out by the second lads dismissal of you.
Firstly, this happens to all women 'rated' by all men regardless of age. Some will think you're hot, some won't. The whole point of the performative rating is to enjoy themselves at women's expense.
Secondly, boost your self esteem in healthy ways.

If you read the updates, the OP's DP is female and didn't see what happened; OP didn't say anything because she wanted to avoid a confrontation.

It is shitty behaviour but all the ‘boy mums’ will defend it.

Idiotic comment.

So a woman is feeling upset after being objectified and publicly rated and women here stick the boot in because its her fault for feeling hurt by it. Lovely, and very feminist of you.

If boys are rating women in public LOUDLY, where's your concern about them 'advancing', or is it only women that have to advance?

What stands out here for me is, one of them clearly thought you were attractive and the other one didn’t. You’re fixating on the one that didn’t.

similar to many others. Imagine giving a presentation to ten people, 9 of them give excellent positive feedback and one person gives a negative response. The majority of us don’t even think about the complimentary feedback, and ruminate on the one negative.

in any case you should not care what a couple of emotionally immature teenagers have to say about you either way

Exactly. On a logical level you know it shouldn't bother you, but on another level, it's not nice and I understand why the feeling has lingered. I was being annoyed by two teenage girls being stupid on the train once and got called a "saggy granny". I know fine well that their opinion meant nothing, but have to admit it did sting! Try to put it out of your head, but I'm sorry your evening was spoiled by idiots.

😆I guess he would not even give it a thought

😆

play stupid games < not mind your own table and family> , win stupid prizes

I didn't say I was, though. You interpreted it that way. I dont need your reminders for something that didn't happen. Have a great day!!

You are obviously attractive enough to be noticed by an 18 year old lad. The fact the second one said nahh is probably normal considering your age gap, I wouldn’t have fancied a 42 year old at 18. It’s like how some people say Brad Pitt is still sexy at his age but others say naah. I would take it as a sign you’re still visible to the opposite sex. That whole interaction wouldn’t happen to me and I’m 12 years younger than you because I’m not noticeably attractive, I wouldn’t say I’m bad but I don’t do glam very often and am about 14 pounds overweight so don’t catch eyes like I did 10 years ago.

Nobody needs to defend anything
The whole thread is bonkers
Is really 40 sthg women interested in little boys and what they think about them??

If a woman has working ears, she deserves to be publicly rated. Thats your take? Are you a misogynist or just thick ?

I don't victimise myself. That's what I consider being a feminist.

Victimise yourself- i.e have normal reactions to etremely rude behaviour? So you're a doormat and think all women should be whilst men can do and say what they want?

Er, what?

I have teenage boys and I think these lads were revolting dickheads.

I would ream my sons out if they behaved in this manner. I dont think saying "all boy mums" is any better than any other idiotic generalisation - it's just as puerile and ignorant..

Ooooh OP. Not that it matters, but I'd be focusing on the "Check her out!" and not on the "Naaah." Can't win 'em all!!!

Really wouldn’t bother me. I can’t tell you how many times I have been called (directly, to my face), a fat lesbian over the years, seemingly as an insult. Half right, I am fat, but not a lesbian. Didn’t let it bother me at all. Just puzzled really as to why people think ‘lesbian’ is an insult, as although not one, I don’t think there is anything ‘wrong’ with them or why it would be an insult.

You're bothered about boys young enough to be your son not fancying you? I can understand it if it were your own age group but what were essentially ignorant, rude kids?

You need to get a grip, I mean really.