Teenage boys response to me in pub has really bothered me. Why?

[Peonie20]

Hi,

I have just noticed there is already a "rate me" style thread going and this is purely coincidental, as I was coming on to say that I was recently rated in person, which was of course incredibly rude, as I didn't ask to be, but I was annoyed at myself! I was annoyed because I let a couple of teenage boys opinions on my level of attractiveness bother me. This is what happened...

I was at my local pub with my partner and teenage daughter. It was early doors, but a Friday night and a little more rowdy than usual. There was a table of 18 year old boys very close to us ( I heard them discussing their age - not a guess) I noticed one was looking at me a lot, to the point it made me quite uncomfortable and self conscious. I was trying to ignore and just engage with my partner and DD, but I heard him say very loudly "check her out". Then a couple of them changed seats to look directly at me and one then got up to go to the loo, looked at his mate and shrugged "nahhh".

It made me feel absolutely horrible in all honestly. I'm at that stage (42) where I've noticed I've become a bit invisible over the past few years, but was used to getting lots of attention before then. It's a weird transition, as I didn't always like the attention, but the invisibility seems so sudden and stark.

I was really cross with the guy who was staring at me, making me feeling so uncomfortable, but I suppose we've still be conditioned as women to think that if someone is saying you're attractive, that's a positive thing. To then be told (indirectly) that you're not, suddenly makes you question yourself again. Firstly, well what's wrong with me?? And then, hang on...why on earth do I care what some 18 year old boy thinks of me?! So I ended up judging myself twice!

Anyway, it's really stayed with me and I'm cross at myself for letting it.

I suspect lots of you can relate to this feeling?... Or am I just being absolutely ridiculous? 😬

Never been on a pub hen night in London? 😁

It very much happens.

OP, it was unpleasant, but just try to put it out of your head. Why is their evaluation of you significant? It's not. You don't need the validation of a group of 18 year olds. Don't give them the headspace.

I found the getting called 'ugly', barking dog noises, etc. dropped away once I got into my 40s - that type of man simply didn't see me anymore. They do it to younger women who commit the crime of not being fanciable, for daring to be in public when they're not a prospect for sex.

Invisibility is a blessing.

I find it hard to believe that a group of 18 year old men would look twice at a women in her 40s, let along rate her as a prospect sexual partner, but yet this thread exists!

To be fair, no I haven't! I've been on a few hen-nights up north, but not with women in their teens, the age-bracket for hen nights where I am tends to be late 20s upwards.

I had two boys of that age, maybe a bit younger, pass me in the street and one said to me "You're quite fit" - I was waiting for him to add on "for your age" I'm pushing 41.

It doesn't matter, because it was only the opinion of a group of 18 year olds in a pub. Why is their opinion on her attractiveness or otherwise valid? It's not.

I'm glad there are some of you who do understand where I'm coming from and why I would feel like this.

To those of you asking what my partner said, my partner is a woman and most people assume we're friends or sisters, annoyingly, so they wouldn't have worried about a partner kicking off. She didn't notice as she was also facing away. She kept asking if I was OK, but I deliberately didn't say what was wrong until they left, as I didn't want to cause a scene (she would have gone over) and that would have really embarrassed my dd. Saying that, I guess it could have also shown her that you don't have to put up with such blatant misogyny. You never know how it's going to go though!

It's possible they thought she was younger than 40.

I think you misunderstand feminism - or, more likely, are pretending to.

The big deal is
He reduced her to nothing more than her sexual appeal to men.
He did it out loud - to humiliate her, to show her she was an object, not a human with feelings. Or if she was, just about, a human - her feelings were unimportant.
He then, within those terms, said 'this woman has no value'.

If anyone is being 'bashed' here, it is not the male.

I'm sure that your partner thinks you're gorgeous! That's all that matters.

Of course it doesn't matter, but human emotions are not always logical.
The OP was affected by it, and she is just sharing her experience.

Now now children.

I wish I was the type of person that wouldn’t be upset by this or even would be able to confront it, but I’m absolutely not - I would also be really upset, OP. I would feel so self-conscious to be looked at and talked about like that. I think it could even be worse somehow than coming from a group of men my own age! To me I think it’s my sense of the sort of anarchic and unpredictable unkindness and cruelty that some teenagers have in certain situations that make them feel extra intimidating. I’m guessing it brings back my own insecurity and awkwardness when I was a teenager which never really leaves.

You don’t need to add to the unpleasantness by feeling frustrated or disappointed with yourself about how you felt and feel. It’s ok that it upset you. It wasn’t a nice thing to happen. It will no doubt play on your mind and pop into your head completely unexpectedly for a long time as that’s how these sort of experiences seem to work.

I’m 42 but can’t relate to this at all, I’d ask them how they’d feel if someone stared at their mother like that and to show some bloody respect.

Yes, I know that, I'm just trying to encourage her to be confident enough to reject those feelings and not let it upset her.

I'd like to think I'd reply snappily "well you're 10/10 incel cunt mate", but I'd probabaly be frozen by shock/mortification.

I could say it on the way out I guess.

Focus on what you can to boost your self esteem OP 💐

Get angry about their behaviour not sad about yourself.

I have an 18yo and a 20yo. Both would think this appalling. It’s is utterly filthy disgusting behaviour from these dickheads and yabu to pay any attention whatsoever to the immature drivel that comes out of their stupid mouths. They are just antisocial bellends who need to be at home with their mummy and daddy teaching them how to behave.

That’s absolutely disgusting behaviour whoever is doing it 😔

Even if they didn't, some young men fancy older women, they can but dream.

I had an instance when I was walking in town and a 'boy' at least 30 years younger caught me up and asked if I was interested in a toyboy!
Another when my son was around 17, I was told one of his friends thought I was 'hot'....I was mid 40's then.

No accounting for the imaginations of some young men.....but they really should keep their opinions to themselves.

None of this has anything to do with whether you are attractive OP. It is purely about teenage boys showing off at each other.

• It would be strange if they did fancy given that you are more than twice their age, just as you don't fancy men in their 90s
• Therefore for them this wasn't actually about whether they fancy you or not. It was pure performance for one another in which you were a prop.
• Obviously that's horrible and reprehensible- I'm sure we have all come across men who behave in loud, aggressive and misogynistic ways as a signal to other men and to assert their ownership of the space. Dreadful.
• It is, however, nothing at all to do with you and how attractive you are. You just happened to be the person who was standing there.

Anyway, sorry it happened- it's vile behaviour from them- but you would be foolish to take it to heart in any way.

18y olds think 25y olds are too old. You're giving this way too much headspace.

Awful that young men treat women and behave with each other like that in public places.

Shit for you to encounter, shit for the next generation.

Added dimension with the risk of homophobia on top of sexism and ageism.

Shame nothing has changed in the 50 years since I was 18 but I think, at 40, you are completely invisible to a teenage boy and he was referring to your teenage daughter.

It is shitty behaviour but all the ‘boy mums’ will defend it.

I find teenage boys who get gobby when they are with their mates tend not to be so cocky if you just look them in the eye and say ‘shut up little boy’ . Simple but effective.