In-laws refusal of a letter.

[LongstemmedRose]

I’m not really sure where to put this, so I’ve added it as a chat.

My daughter is soon to be 18. She’s spoken to her boyfriend at length about a scrapbook she’d like to make, filled with cards and letters from all the people she loves and who love her. He messaged me to ask if I could help by collecting letters from her loved ones so he can add them to the scrapbook as one of her birthday gifts, which I thought was really thoughtful of him.

I messaged all of her loved ones yesterday — friends, family friends, family — basically everyone who loves her and has watched her grow and mature. Every single person agreed it was a wonderful idea and was happy to help. Some said they’d write a letter, and others said they’d do a longer birthday-style message.
I messaged my in‑laws yesterday and asked the same thing, and my MIL has point‑blank refused. Her response was: “It’s not our thing, so no!”

I’m really upset because my daughter is the eldest of the four grandchildren (two of them are mine and my husband’s) and the only girl. She has always been treated differently to the boys, and it’s very obvious that my son is the favourite grandchild. It’s hard to see, especially as my children are close in age and would have spent the same amount of time with my in‑laws.

As a bit of backstory: they stopped seeing my daughter when she was six months old and didn’t see her again until she was two. This was after a falling‑out, but they were never stopped from having a relationship with her.

They also chose not to come to our wedding, and the day before we got married my MIL posted a letter through our door telling my husband she’d never forgive him because she had “given him everything.” My husband was devastated, and it marred the day — not to mention everyone asking where they were. She made the day all about her, and it feels like she’s doing the same now. When my daughter opens her scrapbook, she will notice the absence of a letter from her grandparents, and it will just reinforce that she has always been treated differently.

To add, my FIL is an amazing man, and this will upset him greatly as he will have had no say in it. He has always been controlled by my MIL in every aspect of his life. Last week he actually lost his temper with her and shouted, which is completely out of character. She then spoke to my son about it and said she thinks he has dementia. I said I think he’s just had enough of being controlled.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and she’s done nothing wrong. What do I say to her when she asks where the letter from her grandparents is? She loves them dearly and I don't want this to throw a wedge between them and they are coming to her party so she may well ask them there and then! She is autistic so doesn't always see the world in the way others might.

I purposely buy cards with the least amount of text in them as well. I absolutely hate anything remotely gushy

Me too. I try to find blank ones.

But you just did it - because that is how you felt and you wanted to.

You weren't asked to compose a message to go in a scrap book.

I find the whole idea of putting together for an 18 year old a scrapbook of letters, cards and messages from those who love her and those whom she loves more than a little bit odd, weird, and really cringey.

I wouldn't write such a message on request (or demand) either.

It's not odd to refuse.

What's odd is to ask

Not odd when she's grown up with a grandparent that doesn't love her but loves her male siblings.

I'd be more bothered that they didn't come to your wedding! Clearly she has form so I would have expected this response.

It is unusual for a teen to ask for letters like this, tell her just to save the cards for posterity. That is surely good enough?

Even odder.
'I strongly suspect you don't love me. Prove me wrong'
is a very odd subtext.

MIL sounds a piece of work re. the marriage, but maybe she had a premonition.

Is it just me or has everybody missed the point that DD is a step grandchild to the MIL?

I'm not saying it excuses any bad behaviour but it does change the picture somewhat.

I would say to her- some people are sending things in advance, some you can make out of what you get on the day.

Surely it's all about the wrapping paper, handwritten notes, messages, even a signature, things happening organically on that day, not just about preprepped stuff.

They aren't gushy people and they don't want to do it, plus they have 'issues', so don't make this a test of love.

Just help your dd get together a scrapbook about what she does get, not some type of comparative messaging thing.

I'm not sure she says 'I’m really upset because my daughter is the eldest of the four grandchildren (two of them are mine and my husband’s) and the only girl', so presumably her and her dh have 2 kids and a sibling has 2 dc?
If she was a step dgc I think it would've been mentioned.

I don’t think she is. There are 4 grandchildren, two of them from the OP and her husband so the other 2 are presumably from the husband’s siblings. This daughter is the oldest grandchild and OP also has a son (who is apparently the favourite out of all grandchildren).

Ah okay, that's a possibility.

I read it as 4 GC with the eldest two being from a former relationship but it could be read the way you suggest.

Guess we won't know unless the OP comes back!

As someone else had said, the value in loving words and gestures is when they come unbidden and spontaneously.

I have all sorts of random stuff saved because they remind me of that special moment, like a tiny piece of paper that my three year old granddaughter scribbled on and then gave to me, saying "that says 'I love you Grandma' ". That means the world to me. If I'd asked her mum to get her to to write something to me, it wouldn't be remotely the same.

Sad, right? No one in my family would have any problem writing a loving birthday message to my son, and neither would I for any of them. Isn't that just what you do?? This is a milestone birthday, a memory book that she can look back on for years to come is a lovely idea. Everyone is tearing her down for being cringeworthy/performative, I think she should be applauded for wanting memories of people she loves rather than cash/gifts tbh! It's not even clear that she's asking people to specifically write for this, she may well have meant out of previous birthday cards/the ones she gets and her boyfriend has run with it.

A PP said they honestly couldn't think of anything to write but happy birthday - to your firstborn grandchild becoming an adult?? That is cold as ice and rather pitiable, to be honest. When did expressing love to our loved ones become a problem? She's not asking for an Instagram video.

If I were asked to write a special loving message of course I would

If any of my grandchildren were to receive a 'special loving message', especially a few sentences as a pp suggested, from their pragmatic, down to earth and unpretentious Yorkshire granny they'd think I'd taken leave of my senses.
I hug them and played with them and tell them I love them all the time, but overly emotive text is not my thing at all and I'm pretty sure they'd think I was pissing around if I sent them a flowery note. Either that or I'd lost the plot finally.

Because there is a type of person who always comes back for more. That´s basically it. A dream for narcissists.

If she asks why I would say “It’s just not their thing” and not make too much of it. In a way I think it could be a good lesson that not everybody expresses love in the same way. I can think of multiple people who would struggle to express themselves in a letter or wouldn’t feel comfortable with it but they are loving people.

Get the FIL to do it then! You say he'll have had no say in it, why why can't he (if he's got a medical condition that makes him unable to, that's obviously different)? It's true it tends to be women who do more of this type of thing, and even in my kids' primary, I'm sad to say too many people are still socialising boys into thinking journaling/emotions is "girly", but there really is no reason a grandad shouldn't.
You MIL seems to have bought into the anti-people pleaser, if she doesn't want to do something, why please others? Don't let her bother you.

Exactly.. You can be the most loving and caring of grandparents, without sentimentality.

I agree.

I’m reading this as:

there are 4 grandchildren in total, 2 are the OP’s and her DH’s DC. The other two are the children of OP’s DH’s sibling(s).

there are 3 boys (in total) and one girl. The girl being one of OP’s two children and the oldest of the 4 grandchildren.

I’n not sure why OP’s DD (and the oldest of the 4 DGC) would be a step-grandchild. There has been nothing on this thread (written by OP) that would imply this IMO.

Hoping for reassurance that they are loved doesn't seem to me to be that bad a thing.

OK, I never asked because I actually knew the answer in my heart, but I would have appreciated it had my mother lied to my 6 year old when she said 'you love Mummy, don't you?' as she was making a second card for her to give to me for my birthday, rather than telling her she didn't.

Does it matter?

You gave them the option of being included and they declined. I don’t think anyone has done anything wrong here. You’ve been fair by giving an invitation, you haven’t caused an issue as you gave them the opportunity to give input. You can’t force them.

I really doubt your daughter will notice as she will presumably get several nice messages/letters to read over at once that will divert her focus? And if your daughter does somehow place unnecessary weight on these grandparents over the others who contributed, then that’s something she needs to work on. Like, she should engage more with the people who have given her their energy and attention and back off from those who don’t give her that.

There is something uniquely mean-spirited about refusing to come up with a few words. It is not 'sentimentality' it is a very very small gesture that means a lot to people.

A few years back I wrote a card to one of my friends saying how much I valued her and describing how much she helped when my DD was a baby. She bawled her eyes out because no one in her life had ever expressed something like that to her before. It is valuable to tell people that they are loved, explicitly and clearly.

What I find boggling is when people can always come up with judgements, complaints and criticisms, but when you ask for a few nice words, they're suddenly stumped. My policy now is that if you can only ever give me negative words, I don't want them.

I disagree to be honest, loads of people fill in birthday cards that are basically “to you, from me” with no extra wording or sentiments shared. I actually think it’s more common that people do that, as opposed to a long heartfelt message.

Last paragraph took a while to untangle, but yes, your mum should obviously have not said that to a 6 year old. Old bat. Sounds just like mine.

It isn’t okay because it becomes a thing where people who aren’t gushy either have to make something up or not do it.

It is odd to seek validation from all your family and friends. Nice gestures should be given, not requested.

I adore my friends but wouldn’t be able to do this sincerely as we don’t have that kind of gushy relationship. We would do anything for each other but o can’t imagine us getting that sentimental.

It just shows up the people who aren’t comfortable with this