In-laws refusal of a letter.

[LongstemmedRose]

I’m not really sure where to put this, so I’ve added it as a chat.

My daughter is soon to be 18. She’s spoken to her boyfriend at length about a scrapbook she’d like to make, filled with cards and letters from all the people she loves and who love her. He messaged me to ask if I could help by collecting letters from her loved ones so he can add them to the scrapbook as one of her birthday gifts, which I thought was really thoughtful of him.

I messaged all of her loved ones yesterday — friends, family friends, family — basically everyone who loves her and has watched her grow and mature. Every single person agreed it was a wonderful idea and was happy to help. Some said they’d write a letter, and others said they’d do a longer birthday-style message.
I messaged my in‑laws yesterday and asked the same thing, and my MIL has point‑blank refused. Her response was: “It’s not our thing, so no!”

I’m really upset because my daughter is the eldest of the four grandchildren (two of them are mine and my husband’s) and the only girl. She has always been treated differently to the boys, and it’s very obvious that my son is the favourite grandchild. It’s hard to see, especially as my children are close in age and would have spent the same amount of time with my in‑laws.

As a bit of backstory: they stopped seeing my daughter when she was six months old and didn’t see her again until she was two. This was after a falling‑out, but they were never stopped from having a relationship with her.

They also chose not to come to our wedding, and the day before we got married my MIL posted a letter through our door telling my husband she’d never forgive him because she had “given him everything.” My husband was devastated, and it marred the day — not to mention everyone asking where they were. She made the day all about her, and it feels like she’s doing the same now. When my daughter opens her scrapbook, she will notice the absence of a letter from her grandparents, and it will just reinforce that she has always been treated differently.

To add, my FIL is an amazing man, and this will upset him greatly as he will have had no say in it. He has always been controlled by my MIL in every aspect of his life. Last week he actually lost his temper with her and shouted, which is completely out of character. She then spoke to my son about it and said she thinks he has dementia. I said I think he’s just had enough of being controlled.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and she’s done nothing wrong. What do I say to her when she asks where the letter from her grandparents is? She loves them dearly and I don't want this to throw a wedge between them and they are coming to her party so she may well ask them there and then! She is autistic so doesn't always see the world in the way others might.

Perhaps manage her expectations and explain that, whilst her intentions were good, it’s really not a good thing to ask people to effectively ‘pay tribute’ to you.

People may feel pressured into it and it’s not going to be a spontaneous gesture but one that risks being insincere.

At her age, I would expect a certain amount of social awareness but as her parent, it’s probably as good a time as any to explain.

Jeez...give it up. Some people are gushers, others aren't.

Is this one of these TikTok things? She’s presumably not conjured this up from thin air? Is she very confident or not all?

Anyone agreeing it’s a good idea, would you go round your friends and family and make them write you a gushing letter? Emotion is pointless if it’s not sincere.

The OP had asked for a letter. Not a 'hope you have a lovely birthday' in a card.

I don't think that anyone here would back at sorting a normal birthday greeting. But that's not what OP is asking for.

No, it doesn’t always ‘need’ to be said, and especially not to order. It also clearly isn’t universally agreed upon that this type of thing is ‘a nice thing’.

Additionally, expecting someone to do something they would find unpleasant, even if you would like them to do it, is arguably not ‘nice’.

What a load of self-indulgent twaddle

I had a book when I got married & even though I'm divorced it means a lot to me because so many of the people who were at my wedding are no longer with us.

Damn, y’all are some mean-spirited Brits! I think it’s a sweet and darling idea and very loving.

And how is it mean spirited to not want to indulge an adult woman’s ego trip?

We have done scrap books for both DDs. Lots of memories/ photos and messages. My parents are not sentimental at all so I ask mum to sign and she just said happy birthday love grandma and grandad which was fine.
will they get her a card? The card could be stuck in.

To be honest, after their response to your wedding I don't understand why you've ever had anything to do with them again. If your dd notices a gap let her know that they are selfish pricks and tell her all the nasty things they've done to you. She will probably be glad to cut off ties with them.

Wow, what a lot of misery guts in this thread! Do you really never put yourself out, even a tiny bit, for someone you love? How is it “not your thing” to write a little note? Do you not basically do that in a birthday card anyway?

OP, if you’re able to see them in person I’d ask your fil while mil is out of the room. Have a card ready for him to write in and he can sign it from both of them

You'd find saying something nice about your granddaughter to be sexual in nature?

Spontaneously yes. But her asking basically for people to gush over what a wonderful person she is - no. That is serious main character syndrome.

If someone writes a lovely message in a card from the heart then great but can you not see that asking people to do it is weird and basically fishing for compliments.If you don’t put exactly what she wants you to say, will it mean she will think you don’t love her enough?

For some reason it feels like one of those films where the people line up to give gifts in tribute to their ruler.

Someone arranging it for someone else as a surprise is one thing but to ask for it yourself is socially quite crass.

*NeverDropYourMooncup *
Oh, for goodness sake, it was a joke as you know perfectly well. I was being daft. This whole thread is daft, because how could either mother or boyfriend put together this scrapbook without first opening all the recipient's birthday cards?
It's something for her to make afterwards, if she feels like bothering.

A slightly better way of doing it might be to make a collection of eg 'Memories of Whats-her-name aged 0-18' and hand over the written messages together with a posh empty scrapbook. I suppose.

It is a quite socially unaware gift for an 18 year old to request. Maybe it's an Insta spin off.

It’s performative with a boyfriend who is more than likely to be a flash in the pan asking family to manufacture a “hallmark moment”.
I’m with your in-laws.

It's completely normal for people who love you to make this kind of thing for people they love. My friends made me one when I turned 18 in 1992. I don't know why people are making such a big fuss about the thing's existence (actually I do, it's because people bloody love being a grumpy fucker where possible).

Having said that I stick by my earlier comment which was stick a photo in and say it's not their thing.

It is normal to ask for it for yourself though? Because I don’t think it is

Nope, not a Brit. Or Western European at all.

Ime the Brits are comparatively more inclined to such sentimentality.

Who even thinks of doing this for themselves? If it was a friend I would seriously reconsider my friendship. Different if it comes from someone else as a surprise but asking people to tell how special they are is slightly concerning.

i don’t understand why you have facilitated a grandchild/grandparent relationship between your daughter and mil if she’s so toxic. If your DD asks why there is no message, tell her that mil didn’t want to do one. And on a non-birthday occasion have an honest and obviously overdue conversation with your Dd about mil - that she is a bit odd about other women, that it’s a ‘her’ problem, and not to feel she needs to pursue a deep relationship with her now she’s an adult.

I hope she considers also speaking to her daughter about the fact that many people would think her request odd and a bit cocky/desperate.

She is old enough to know that socially it’s not great

Your MiL sounds like an ogre. Your FiL needs to keep growing the "dementia" backbone.

I would be mortified if asked to write a cheesy fake letter. Its ott and very very cringe. Yuk.

Do you not think the mother needs to grow some backbone and explain what a massive social faux pas this is before her (nearly adult) daughter finds that this isn’t the way to get sincerity from people.