In-laws refusal of a letter.

[LongstemmedRose]

I’m not really sure where to put this, so I’ve added it as a chat.

My daughter is soon to be 18. She’s spoken to her boyfriend at length about a scrapbook she’d like to make, filled with cards and letters from all the people she loves and who love her. He messaged me to ask if I could help by collecting letters from her loved ones so he can add them to the scrapbook as one of her birthday gifts, which I thought was really thoughtful of him.

I messaged all of her loved ones yesterday — friends, family friends, family — basically everyone who loves her and has watched her grow and mature. Every single person agreed it was a wonderful idea and was happy to help. Some said they’d write a letter, and others said they’d do a longer birthday-style message.
I messaged my in‑laws yesterday and asked the same thing, and my MIL has point‑blank refused. Her response was: “It’s not our thing, so no!”

I’m really upset because my daughter is the eldest of the four grandchildren (two of them are mine and my husband’s) and the only girl. She has always been treated differently to the boys, and it’s very obvious that my son is the favourite grandchild. It’s hard to see, especially as my children are close in age and would have spent the same amount of time with my in‑laws.

As a bit of backstory: they stopped seeing my daughter when she was six months old and didn’t see her again until she was two. This was after a falling‑out, but they were never stopped from having a relationship with her.

They also chose not to come to our wedding, and the day before we got married my MIL posted a letter through our door telling my husband she’d never forgive him because she had “given him everything.” My husband was devastated, and it marred the day — not to mention everyone asking where they were. She made the day all about her, and it feels like she’s doing the same now. When my daughter opens her scrapbook, she will notice the absence of a letter from her grandparents, and it will just reinforce that she has always been treated differently.

To add, my FIL is an amazing man, and this will upset him greatly as he will have had no say in it. He has always been controlled by my MIL in every aspect of his life. Last week he actually lost his temper with her and shouted, which is completely out of character. She then spoke to my son about it and said she thinks he has dementia. I said I think he’s just had enough of being controlled.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and she’s done nothing wrong. What do I say to her when she asks where the letter from her grandparents is? She loves them dearly and I don't want this to throw a wedge between them and they are coming to her party so she may well ask them there and then! She is autistic so doesn't always see the world in the way others might.

Where was it said the DD wanted letters saying how amazing she was?

Asking for letters from those she loves, and who love her? It's not dictating what they write.

No, even that is too gushy for me. And totally out of character.
No need to put speech marks around the word uncomfortable. Unless you think I’m making it up.

Honestly I think the book is a really, really odd thing to do and you should kindly dissuade your daughter from doing such a thing. It's really not something you organise for yourself or ask people for, and especially not at 18. Maybe if you're 80 and collecting memories from people you've known throughout your life or something (and even then ONLY if someone else does it on your behalf like 'Oh do you have a favourite memory of Michael'). Asking for adoring letters is really uncomfortable and I'd hate it.

Obviously there’s issues with the GM, but are you sure your daughter wants everyone to be asked for letters and not just collect ones she already has or was going to get in cards to create a scrapbook? Otherwise the idea sound weird to me and I probably wouldn’t participate either.

I would find the nicest photo you can of them - or of the three of them if one exists, and add that to the scrapbook instead.

You'll probably find that some people will have said yes but don't find the time, or just have no idea what to write. They unfortunately won't be the only ones missing.

Could you contact FIL separately? You say he'd be devastated so he might be more inclined to do it?

I understand it's not everyone's cup of tea but I can't imagine being such a raging wagon as to not be able to put pen to paper as a once off for my grandchild...

The wedding thing sounds dreadful, but I don’t blame them for not wanting to feel forced write something gushy for the book. I would hate it too. Too cringeworthy.

If DD asks why they didn’t contribute, just say you don’t know and to ask them. As others have said, if they send a card she can put that in her scrapbook.

My take away from this is that MiL sounds utterly toxic. She can’t possibly comply with this request because it’s ’not her thing’. But clearly writing vitriolic messages to her own son on the eve of his marriage very much is ‘her thing’.

Yes but the implication is that she wants people to write a detailed missive about how much they love her

I am absolutely blown away by these responses. My best friend's son is turning 18 soon and I wrote him a heartfelt message in his card, wishing him luck and talking about some memories I have of him. It's such a simple no-cost way to make someone feel special on an important birthday, why not do it??? The number of people saying they would hate it or wouldn't do it boggles me - why be so negative about something very very simple and kind? What is wrong with people?

You say "Grandma said a letter wasn't her thing. You know what she's like...(eye roll)...isn't it lovely that so many people wanted to do it..."
Because your DD will have a scrap book full of the words of lots of people who love her, and you need to keep her focus on all that she has, rather than the one thing she doesn't.

The daughter isn't doing it her boyfriend is doing it for her

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there.

Sometimes people need to know that they are loved. Especially when the grandmother, in addition to the way she has been treated for the last 18 years is making the specific point that she doesn't.

That’s ‘gushy’?

wow

I think a normal, healthy reaction to the DD's request is to think it's lovely that an 18 year old values the love of those around her so highly. She's not asking for a car or a fancy holiday, she's asking for words that she can treasure from those she is connected to. It's a beautiful sentiment and shows great maturity.

When I read posts from people saying it's narcissistic or self-involved all I can think is that those people could never imagine themselves asking for this because they don't feel worthy of it/don't believe people will love them enough to do it and, in turn, won't do it for other people out of resentment and small mindedness.

It takes at most ten minutes to write some nice words. If you can't do it, you should take a hard look at yourself because it indicates something deeper going on with you.

It's like being asked to sign a leaving card for an annoying colleague you hate. You just grin and bear it and write "Best of luck in your future endeavours".

It wouldn't be my thing either but would take all of 5 minutes to write so where's the harm in it?

Dunno. Didn’t read it.

Does your daughter do an awful lot of navel gazing? Because this is prime navel gazing, main character syndrome territory. Expressions of love and messages like this should come from the sender, not be demanded by the receiver (or her boyfriend or mum). Asking people to write adoring letters to you… in what world is that a good or acceptable idea? People do that when they choose to. She is turning 18; the people who want to will already have planned to write a longer message than normal in her card, as it’s a special birthday. But asking people to write love letters to her? No. That’s really not normal.

It’s one thing to ask everyone to make a small video clip for a video montage for a party or something, that’s quite common. It’s really too far to ask people to sit and write a letter praising and adoring the person. That’s… a lot.

The people important in my life show me they love me everyday. I have so many keepsakes and little gifts, and saved messages that are extra lovely. And those are what are important, because they came spontaneously from the people in my life. They were demanded, they weren’t curated. They weren’t done in an out of character way because I want love letters from them to show how much they adore me after I demanded it.

I think it’s much more lovely to keep the things that show it when it’s come from them, without prompting.

It is absolutely fine to ask for treasured messages from people you love. In fact, it is a lovely gesture to say 'for my birthday, what I value is your words, as you mean a lot to me.' She hasn't asked for praise and adoration, she's asked for keepsakes at a pivotal moment of her life. If you have a negative reaction to that, it's worth asking yourself why - what is so triggering for you?

I'd hate that done for myself, forcing unspontaneous 'Caran is wonderful' messages out of people. It would feel so insincere. Like saying 'round of applause for me.'

Even once every hundred years for David Attenborough got a bit too much.

It really isn’t. People who want to do that, will already be doing it. I got so many lovely messages in my 18th birthday cards. But the daughter is asking people to write letters. That’s too much; it puts pressure on people, and puts them into an uncomfortable situation if not knowing it they have written enough or being adoring enough as this is a requested gift so there is more pressure there. It’s ridiculous.

She should graciously have waited and accepted the cards with whatever messages her loved ones chose to send, and made a scrapbook with those. Actually telling people to sit down and write you a letter about how they feel about you and about your history with them etc… that is too much. Has she never had any love before? I can’t imagine ever having to ask for this because it’s so normal for people to already write something they have chosen to write for your 18t. It doesn’t need to be forced, or insincere because they now feel they need to write more.

Just make MIL's page their card and a recent photo of them and your DD together. I wouldn't make a big thing of it if they don't want to participate.

To be fair, I think that the original idea may have been to use cards/letters that she already has

100% agree, The value is in their spontaneity, and the memories they evoke.

This sort of thing can't be made to order.