In-laws refusal of a letter.

[LongstemmedRose]

I’m not really sure where to put this, so I’ve added it as a chat.

My daughter is soon to be 18. She’s spoken to her boyfriend at length about a scrapbook she’d like to make, filled with cards and letters from all the people she loves and who love her. He messaged me to ask if I could help by collecting letters from her loved ones so he can add them to the scrapbook as one of her birthday gifts, which I thought was really thoughtful of him.

I messaged all of her loved ones yesterday — friends, family friends, family — basically everyone who loves her and has watched her grow and mature. Every single person agreed it was a wonderful idea and was happy to help. Some said they’d write a letter, and others said they’d do a longer birthday-style message.
I messaged my in‑laws yesterday and asked the same thing, and my MIL has point‑blank refused. Her response was: “It’s not our thing, so no!”

I’m really upset because my daughter is the eldest of the four grandchildren (two of them are mine and my husband’s) and the only girl. She has always been treated differently to the boys, and it’s very obvious that my son is the favourite grandchild. It’s hard to see, especially as my children are close in age and would have spent the same amount of time with my in‑laws.

As a bit of backstory: they stopped seeing my daughter when she was six months old and didn’t see her again until she was two. This was after a falling‑out, but they were never stopped from having a relationship with her.

They also chose not to come to our wedding, and the day before we got married my MIL posted a letter through our door telling my husband she’d never forgive him because she had “given him everything.” My husband was devastated, and it marred the day — not to mention everyone asking where they were. She made the day all about her, and it feels like she’s doing the same now. When my daughter opens her scrapbook, she will notice the absence of a letter from her grandparents, and it will just reinforce that she has always been treated differently.

To add, my FIL is an amazing man, and this will upset him greatly as he will have had no say in it. He has always been controlled by my MIL in every aspect of his life. Last week he actually lost his temper with her and shouted, which is completely out of character. She then spoke to my son about it and said she thinks he has dementia. I said I think he’s just had enough of being controlled.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and she’s done nothing wrong. What do I say to her when she asks where the letter from her grandparents is? She loves them dearly and I don't want this to throw a wedge between them and they are coming to her party so she may well ask them there and then! She is autistic so doesn't always see the world in the way others might.

This nails it. Let us all be ourselves. You cannot make people do as you do!

I'd be shocked. I'd assume something very bad was coming next. At best, 'I'm changing my name and emigrating.'
It has deathbed overtones about it.

Or needing to borrow a lot of money.

Or a major fling with DH.

😂

And if she assured you she just wanted you to know what you mean to her?

It absolutely 100% needs to be said. 100%. No wonder the world is so fucked up if people can't say nice things. Bloody hell

I think deeds speak louder than words. Words can sometimes mean very little.
I am unstinting in my time and care and that speaks louder. I think the world is fucked up because people don't do enough nice things.

As I said before, deeds absolutely do matter. But writing a note for someone who's requested it is a deed so...

I would piss her off by breezily replying something like, ‘that’s fine. I shall write one on your behalf.’ I wouldn’t, but it would be fun to let her be furious somewhere while I carried on my life.

But again, you're talking about spontaneous and unexpected communication. And that's lovely, and not beyond me at all. And I appreciate being on the receiving end of that kind of sentiment.

But you don't seem to understand that this request/demand is different. It's not spontaneous. It isn't a natural response to an emotion of the moment. It's set like a task. And I and others find that an entirely different situation, psychologically.

Oops, soz Hayfever. Didn't keep up.

Suspect a cult. Warn all our joint mates that Whyarepeople had joined the dark side. Then ghost.

I get that argument but I'm responding to the aspect around the nature of the words themselves, which other posters have said would make them feel uncomfortable.

Ouch!

I don't think you are making it up, as such. But yes, I think it's really self-indulgent to say that you have such discomfort over a simple expression of well-wishes that you would not be able to do it, regardless of how much it would mean to someone close to you.

I’m another who would hate doing this, in fact I declined doing it for a friend’s big birthday.
You daughter is about to be an adult, it’s your place to teach her that you can’t control everyone or everything, all of the time. If you don’t shes going to have some very sad times with over expectations of others.
You are projecting your hatred of your MIL and your personal issues and beliefs onto the situation, take a step back and a deep breath and reset your daughters expectation, some people will contribute but not everyone will and that doesn't reflect how much they like or love you.

Objectively, it's not gushy. Not in any known definition of the word.

I do absolutely get it's not a preferred way of doing things for you and many others. I'm also not into the performative side of things e.g. ways in which people often post on SM. So I genuinely get it.

But there is a scale. Most of the time, there are things that we might not love but we do because we care about people, and something like OP's situation falls into that category. It's really OTT to describe it as gushy, self-indulgent and all the rest. It's not OTT to say, not my style don't love it - but still do it because it would mean a lot to the other person.

Someone asking for say, a recorded video or something else requiring a lot of effort, I get would really be something people would struggle to do.

In any case, the scenario was that a nasty piece-of-work MIL used this as another opportunity to be as such, by saying no, very clearly. It really cannot be about a mere feeling of discomfort, based on the back story.

words are also deeds in this context, aren’t they? Writing a birthday card is also an action…

edit: just like wishing someone a “happy birthday”. That’s also a deed / action.

It's fair enough if you're not overly sentimental but even describing writing a few nice words to a loved one as gushy is very dismissive, as if it's indulgent, fake, performative (this isn't aimed at you specifically but the general use of the term on this thread. As if people who can express their feelings are emotionally incontinent somehow. Very stiff upper lip, etc. This attitude is to people's own detriment IMO.

And nowhere on this thread has it been suggested that the messages need to be long and overdone. Surely a 'to my beloved grandchild on their 18th birthday' isn't too much to ask?

I don’t disagree with you regarding the MIL. However, I do regarding it meaning a lot to someone I love. They know how I feel about them but they also know me and doing something like this would not be at all genuine. And to be honest, they would not want to put me in that position. The same way I wouldn’t want to make them uncomfortable by requesting they do something that makes me happy, but is really hard for them. I show them how I feel about them in other ways. If that makes me “self indulgent” in your eyes, then so be it.

Curated love expressions. Hard no. Team In laws.

I really don’t understand the amount of mean spirited responses. It’s an 18 year olds special birthday. If she had asked for cash or gifts she’d be called grabby. She’s asking for something that costs nothing but is sentimental. The notes don’t have to be ‘gushy’. They can be as simple as, “I hope you have a wonderful birthday’.

iIt isn’t self indulgent to want well wishes or expressions of love from those who are close to you in your birthday. Otherwise why do birthday cards even exist? Why do any cards exist? Most people would be hurt if they received no well wishes or nice sentiments from their loved ones. Or how come most people I read from on here say, “All I wanted was a card or some nice words.” Or how come at the end of year, it’s considered the right thing for a teacher to be happy with a ‘heartfelt’ thank you note from a student as opposed to a gift? How is what OP’s daughter asking for anything different. She just wants to collate everything in place for one thing to look back on in years to come and remember the birthday.

Ironically the posters saying they wouldn’t doing this are being self indulgent in not being able to put their own wishes aside for the sake of someone else in a very simple way. I have never known anyone be harmed by writing a happy birthday note to somebody they actually love! Madness.

It seems I’ve found my people here! I honestly thought I was just some mean old cow but I find this gratuitous gushing stuff so uncomfortable and weird! To give and to receive!
Dont get me wrong I care deeply about a lot of people but all this performative shit, absolutely not.
Sorry OP, just take what you can and be glad. MIL sounds awful anyway but on this issue I’m with her!

And nowhere on this thread has it been suggested that the messages need to be long and overdone. Surely a 'to my beloved grandchild on their 18th birthday' isn't too much to ask?

No of course it isn't. It's exactly my style of brevity. The op was asking for letters.

Legally, aquitodavia because you never know what's going to come back and bite you, 'My beloved call-her-Sophie' is a bit of a risk. (Unless you add in a time limit, or a proviso such as 'temporarily' or 'in the absence of information that might lead to a contrary judgement') I would definitely avoid this wording.

(It's also got a Song of Solomon vibe which I think is inappropriate from a grandmother)

If forced to write such a squirm-inducing bit of nonsense, I would say something like 'to my only grand daughter call-her-Sophie' thus emphasising her uniqueness without committing myself to future difficult conversations, beginning, eg, "Granny darling, you know when you said I was your beloved grand daughter- here, it's written in my birthday scrapbook, signed, dated, witnessed, with all the other rashly over generous remarks..'

From the OP -

She’s spoken to her boyfriend at length about a scrapbook she’d like to make, filled with cards and letters

Some people then suggested they would write letters, others messages/cards. People seem to have jumped on to one of the suggestions here and assumed that's all that will do.

Exactly. If it was just cards wishing her a happy 18th birthday then there wouldn’t be an issue and the grandparents card would just go in the scrap book. OP made it sound like people have been asked to write their feelings about her daughter in a letter or in a card. That is the bit that many wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.

@LongstemmedRose Are you coming back OP? Lots of thoughtful responses here.
I would just tell DD ' you know what Granny's like, she says its not her thing'. Best not make a big deal of it, let her enjoy the messages she does receive.