In-laws refusal of a letter.

[LongstemmedRose]

I’m not really sure where to put this, so I’ve added it as a chat.

My daughter is soon to be 18. She’s spoken to her boyfriend at length about a scrapbook she’d like to make, filled with cards and letters from all the people she loves and who love her. He messaged me to ask if I could help by collecting letters from her loved ones so he can add them to the scrapbook as one of her birthday gifts, which I thought was really thoughtful of him.

I messaged all of her loved ones yesterday — friends, family friends, family — basically everyone who loves her and has watched her grow and mature. Every single person agreed it was a wonderful idea and was happy to help. Some said they’d write a letter, and others said they’d do a longer birthday-style message.
I messaged my in‑laws yesterday and asked the same thing, and my MIL has point‑blank refused. Her response was: “It’s not our thing, so no!”

I’m really upset because my daughter is the eldest of the four grandchildren (two of them are mine and my husband’s) and the only girl. She has always been treated differently to the boys, and it’s very obvious that my son is the favourite grandchild. It’s hard to see, especially as my children are close in age and would have spent the same amount of time with my in‑laws.

As a bit of backstory: they stopped seeing my daughter when she was six months old and didn’t see her again until she was two. This was after a falling‑out, but they were never stopped from having a relationship with her.

They also chose not to come to our wedding, and the day before we got married my MIL posted a letter through our door telling my husband she’d never forgive him because she had “given him everything.” My husband was devastated, and it marred the day — not to mention everyone asking where they were. She made the day all about her, and it feels like she’s doing the same now. When my daughter opens her scrapbook, she will notice the absence of a letter from her grandparents, and it will just reinforce that she has always been treated differently.

To add, my FIL is an amazing man, and this will upset him greatly as he will have had no say in it. He has always been controlled by my MIL in every aspect of his life. Last week he actually lost his temper with her and shouted, which is completely out of character. She then spoke to my son about it and said she thinks he has dementia. I said I think he’s just had enough of being controlled.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and she’s done nothing wrong. What do I say to her when she asks where the letter from her grandparents is? She loves them dearly and I don't want this to throw a wedge between them and they are coming to her party so she may well ask them there and then! She is autistic so doesn't always see the world in the way others might.

Can you just put a photo of them with her in the book in place of a letter? Maybe one from being a baby to more recent. Then just put a Sharpie kiss on or write 'with love' ?

It sounds like the DD wants far more than that.

It is a shame that she requires validation in this way as a grown woman but I am guessing this won’t be the only drama attached to this exercise

What do I say to her when she asks where the letter from her grandparents is?

The truth. Just say she didn’t want to do it. You can add ‘you know what she’s like’ and roll your eyes too. It’s really not a big deal.

Also consider adding ‘asking for this is going to make some people uncomfortable’

Ask her Grandad direct to write a message for her for her scrapbook. Let your Daughter ask her Grandmother at her party why she didn't write a letter or message if that's what she wants to do. Let your MIL explain her reasons so you don't have to. I'm assuming her Grandparents will send her a card. If that's the case then just cut out the greeting they write in her card & stick that in the scrapbook if your DD is that bothered about having something to include, even if it's just 'best wishes love Gran & Grandad x'

None of this would be necessary if the daughter hadn’t insisted that all her friends and family make this grand gesture

No offense but you come across as incredibly mean spirited. There are many reasons a teenager could ask for a letter from people she knows and loves. A kind person would just write the letter or a note, not assume it's coming from a terrible place as you are doing.

No offence taken. Think what you like,

You may be happy for a grown adult to demand ask everyone to have to write gushy notes to them but for most people it’s odd and incredibly performative. Declarations of love should be given, not demanded. Is she going to compare them all to see who loves her best?

I may be a ‘mean spirited’ person but I would never have been crass enough to do this then or now.

Also loving the idea that the boyfriend is ‘thoughtful’ for doing it. She asked him to, and he’d hardly schlepping around to get the notes - he has delegated the rellies to the OP 🤣

You don't know that her attitude was to demand. I would be delighted to write a sincere letter to my niece. I wouldn't assume she demanded it and I would have many lovely things to say that wouldn't make me feel I was gushing or being forced to gush. But I would know she was doing it because the significant relationships in her life mattered to her and she wanted a record of it which is a lovely, reflective and appreciative position. If someone reacted as you have done without knowledge of the person in question, I would feel that you probably don't know enough about loving relationships to have a framework of reference for this - and had drawn your own damning conclusions as a result. You assume a request is a demand, that it is about ego rather than love and that you will be compared. Something like this does require a bit of organising or it can't happen. Hence people being asked.

You're making a lot of assumptions about the underlying attitudes and values of the young woman and you're judging her in a way that may well be extremely off base. What baffles me is why you'd want to assume people are like this when they are often much nicer than your assumptions allow.

You have made a lot of assumptions about me. I have experience of loving relationships. However a combination of experience and logic has made me realistic.

Like I said, love should be given, not asked for. Being able to write some sickly sweet letter doesn’t mean you love someone. Not everyone is comfortable in doing this.

I show my love to people in many ways. I wouldn’t choose to impose on my loved ones like this as, to me, it is asking them to demonstrate their love.

I haven't made any assumptions about you. I'm glad you have experience of loving relationships.

It is ok to ask for an expression of love. There's no rule against it. You had to think all kinds of things that may or may not be true in order to think of reasons why it was such an unpleasant thing for this teenager to do. You've insinuated she's demanding, self absorbed, will be comparing the letters, wants them as an ego exercise rather than a record of the relationships with people who are special to her. You have no grounds for this.

No one asked for a sickly sweet letter. And no one demanded any letter at all.

It's fine that you would never want to do this. It's not fine to assume the worst of a teenager who would do it.

Fair enough.

Personally I wouldn’t do it because I would assume people would think it crass. It is only my view but it feels embarrassing to put people in that position as a grown woman (which the DD is).

It would be more understandable if it was someone else’s idea as a surprise.