In-laws refusal of a letter.

[LongstemmedRose]

I’m not really sure where to put this, so I’ve added it as a chat.

My daughter is soon to be 18. She’s spoken to her boyfriend at length about a scrapbook she’d like to make, filled with cards and letters from all the people she loves and who love her. He messaged me to ask if I could help by collecting letters from her loved ones so he can add them to the scrapbook as one of her birthday gifts, which I thought was really thoughtful of him.

I messaged all of her loved ones yesterday — friends, family friends, family — basically everyone who loves her and has watched her grow and mature. Every single person agreed it was a wonderful idea and was happy to help. Some said they’d write a letter, and others said they’d do a longer birthday-style message.
I messaged my in‑laws yesterday and asked the same thing, and my MIL has point‑blank refused. Her response was: “It’s not our thing, so no!”

I’m really upset because my daughter is the eldest of the four grandchildren (two of them are mine and my husband’s) and the only girl. She has always been treated differently to the boys, and it’s very obvious that my son is the favourite grandchild. It’s hard to see, especially as my children are close in age and would have spent the same amount of time with my in‑laws.

As a bit of backstory: they stopped seeing my daughter when she was six months old and didn’t see her again until she was two. This was after a falling‑out, but they were never stopped from having a relationship with her.

They also chose not to come to our wedding, and the day before we got married my MIL posted a letter through our door telling my husband she’d never forgive him because she had “given him everything.” My husband was devastated, and it marred the day — not to mention everyone asking where they were. She made the day all about her, and it feels like she’s doing the same now. When my daughter opens her scrapbook, she will notice the absence of a letter from her grandparents, and it will just reinforce that she has always been treated differently.

To add, my FIL is an amazing man, and this will upset him greatly as he will have had no say in it. He has always been controlled by my MIL in every aspect of his life. Last week he actually lost his temper with her and shouted, which is completely out of character. She then spoke to my son about it and said she thinks he has dementia. I said I think he’s just had enough of being controlled.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and she’s done nothing wrong. What do I say to her when she asks where the letter from her grandparents is? She loves them dearly and I don't want this to throw a wedge between them and they are coming to her party so she may well ask them there and then! She is autistic so doesn't always see the world in the way others might.

Where did the idea come from anyway?

Is it something that's popular on Instagram?

MIL sounds truly awful. Personally, I would have asked FIL, so that you know it can’t come back on you with MIL saying they weren’t asked. I think it’s shocking you’re even still talking to her.

As for your dd, you’re honest with her. The fact that she loves her grandparents dearly and will be devastated shows that you’ve been shielding her in an unhealthy way from how terrible they are. And yes, it’s both of them because FIL has had a lifetime to make different choices. It isn’t fair on her that you’ve kept up this charade and now she’s going to find out it was all fake. Much better to have let them drift years ago. Children don’t need grandparents; they need good loving nurturing ones. The ones just there for show are better off in the bin. Because eventually it comes home to roost.

I’d send MIL a thumbs up and stop engaging and expecting her to be different. Make a big lovely fuss of your dd on her birthday. This is such a kind gesture from her boyfriend and everyone. Don’t even mention the grandparents and I also wouldn’t invite them. If they want to take the initiative to arrange something special with dd, let them sort that with her. But the time has come to drop the rope.

No, I couldn’t.

I purposely buy cards with the least amount of text in them as well. I absolutely hate anything remotely gushy.

OP, I think most of the responses on here are mean-spirited in the extreme. They seem to be channelling your MIL! Seems to be rife on MN now.

Not sure what to suggest, especially if you think she/they’ll dig their heels in, short of producing something yourself & saying it was dictated - could you do this directly via the FIL?

You need to teach your DD that not everyone will always do as expected or wanted. My DD is also autistic and she appreciates honesty and directness.
My DD also doesn't express love the same as others so would definitely understand her grandmother not wanting to do it.

Your DD might be more capable and resilient than you think!

Haven't her grandparents given her any birthday/Christmas cards over the last 18 years? If they have, and you've kept them, given those to your daughter to put in her scrapbook.

Also, FIL is choosing to live his life a certain way. Your MIL can't be blamed for his choices. If he would like to write a letter, he would.

As to what to say to your daughter if she asks why her grandparents didn't write a letter, just say they're not letter writing people, but they love her very much. You are making way too much out of this.

I can understand your MIL to some extent. It will feel forced for her to sit and write a I love you letter. And she will feel manipulated by ‘having’ to do so. Lest she be judged badly. Which clearly she is.
She will love her granddaughter. But will not love being made to write a letter to say so.

Your mother in law sounds like a massive bitch but not much you can do about that. Don't do the scrapbook if their absence from it is going to upset your DD more than getting a book from a bunch of other people saying how great she is.

Maybe not the same, but in a similar vein, when I left my last full time post, my team got together and made a book for me, of their memories of our working life together, how they felt I’d helped and supported them and gave it to me on the last day. It’s a treasured possession and brings back very happy memories when I look at it.

Will she send a birthday card they could use?

I also think it was a misunderstanding, the boyfriend was asking for cards and messages from the past that would be at her mother's house, not to solicit forced messages of love and approval, which are not the same thing at all

I would have been searching for congratulations on your exam results from very proud parents, or happy first birthday from doting granny type things from the time she was born to the present and space for the 18th birthday cards and messages.

Your MIL sounds quite unpleasant, with all the stuff around your wedding etc.

I would also hate to do a letter. I’d probably feel too awkward to say no. But I would hate it.

This.

I'd have refused too.

Lots of people either don't like stuff like this or feel they're bad at it. Forced expression of feelings onto paper simply isn't something everyone buys into and is good at. I agree with previous posters, tell him to stick the card in.

Gah! I'm a primary school teacher and every year I'm expected to write a letter to the class leaving about how special my year with them was and how much I'll miss them. It goes in a published scrapbook-type thing. It is the most draining, annoying part of my year.
I've had to do it for a few hen party scrapbooks too. Absolutely painful! I think they're right to nip it in the bud as it could become a family thing.

It’s absolutely nothing to do with it being a “MIL”, I think it’s really ridiculous asking people to write nice things about you!

Maybe send me a copy of your favourite photo with:of
me? Something a bit less self worshipping?

I have to say as well, for all that DD is ND, it's also potentially quite ND unfriendly. The person I know who would struggle with this most is AuDHD.

Agreed! It’s all a bit overly self indulgent. I’d do it but I would think it was odd that someone requested this for themselves. Different of the boyfriend or OP came up with the idea.

I'm also surprised about how horrible and judgemental other posters have been. This is something that an 18 year old girl with autism has personally requested for her birthday and people are mocking her and being really rude.

OP should ask FIL directly if he would like to provide something for the scrapbook. MIL sounds awful and, if it wouldn't upset OP's daughter, I'd uninvite her from the party. Unfortunately, as it probably would upset her, MIL will probably need to be there. I'd massively judge her though and would make no further effort with the relationship with her.

Just put a photo in …everyone else will make up for awful MIL…this is a life lesson…not all family members are kind …your daughter should know this

It all sounds a bit forced. Just keep the birthday cards. MIL doesn’t seem to like you very much so it’s hardly surprising she’s pushed back on this.

These kind of memory books make me very uncomfortable.

I have no problem with people using pre-existing letters and cards and putting them into a book, but the idea of writing something specifically for this purpose makes me feel really uncomfortable. It’s very forced and performative.

I also really hate the idea of other people reading something in future that I have written to someone. Her mates and other family members will probably all look through it…it just feels very weird and forced.

I was asked to do similar recently and just submitted a photo of us together.

I assume there will be room for cards in the scrapbook too and assume they will send one

Ps it’s a lovely idea …did similar for my Mums 80th …love hearts (ivory card a bit special ) in a beautiful crystal jar…80 things I love about you

Its a sweet ‘no cost’ gift…personally I think it’s a thoughtful gift request in these COL times 🌷💝🌷

Wouldn't a lot of people be sending an 18th card & writing a bit extra in that anyway?

I think specifically asking for an "aren't I wonderful" letter is odd.

You can't be surprised by your MIL's response.

Why would your daughter want such a letter from a GM who obviously favours her brother?

This reminds me of a past friend of mine, who asked another friend to write her a poem ABOUT HER for her birthday. First friend then gushed to everyone about poet had written a poem presenting it as a great act of friendship but forgetting to mention it had been coerced 😂It was absolutely cringeworthy!

Just tell daughter scrapbook isn't her GP kind of thing but she can put their card in. No need make drama out of it.