In-laws refusal of a letter.

[LongstemmedRose]

I’m not really sure where to put this, so I’ve added it as a chat.

My daughter is soon to be 18. She’s spoken to her boyfriend at length about a scrapbook she’d like to make, filled with cards and letters from all the people she loves and who love her. He messaged me to ask if I could help by collecting letters from her loved ones so he can add them to the scrapbook as one of her birthday gifts, which I thought was really thoughtful of him.

I messaged all of her loved ones yesterday — friends, family friends, family — basically everyone who loves her and has watched her grow and mature. Every single person agreed it was a wonderful idea and was happy to help. Some said they’d write a letter, and others said they’d do a longer birthday-style message.
I messaged my in‑laws yesterday and asked the same thing, and my MIL has point‑blank refused. Her response was: “It’s not our thing, so no!”

I’m really upset because my daughter is the eldest of the four grandchildren (two of them are mine and my husband’s) and the only girl. She has always been treated differently to the boys, and it’s very obvious that my son is the favourite grandchild. It’s hard to see, especially as my children are close in age and would have spent the same amount of time with my in‑laws.

As a bit of backstory: they stopped seeing my daughter when she was six months old and didn’t see her again until she was two. This was after a falling‑out, but they were never stopped from having a relationship with her.

They also chose not to come to our wedding, and the day before we got married my MIL posted a letter through our door telling my husband she’d never forgive him because she had “given him everything.” My husband was devastated, and it marred the day — not to mention everyone asking where they were. She made the day all about her, and it feels like she’s doing the same now. When my daughter opens her scrapbook, she will notice the absence of a letter from her grandparents, and it will just reinforce that she has always been treated differently.

To add, my FIL is an amazing man, and this will upset him greatly as he will have had no say in it. He has always been controlled by my MIL in every aspect of his life. Last week he actually lost his temper with her and shouted, which is completely out of character. She then spoke to my son about it and said she thinks he has dementia. I said I think he’s just had enough of being controlled.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and she’s done nothing wrong. What do I say to her when she asks where the letter from her grandparents is? She loves them dearly and I don't want this to throw a wedge between them and they are coming to her party so she may well ask them there and then! She is autistic so doesn't always see the world in the way others might.

It is not 'gushy' to say 'Thanks for being a great friend' or 'I so enjoy doing x y z with you.' It is just nice. It is worth being nice to people that you love. Believe me.

This. It’s a bit like an apology you have to ask for, it doesn’t really count imo! With that being said, I’d still write something if a loved one asked. Unfortunately it sounds like MIL isn’t that nice and that DD isn’t well liked by her, something your daughter will be more than aware of given you’ve let this behaviour run her whole life, this’ll just be further confirmation of that really. Shitty lesson but it is what it is.

Let Them.

She can make up her own mind about how they feel about her and decide whether to pursue a relationship with them or not.

It’s not gushy to you. But it may be to many of the posters on this thread. Why is it is so hard to understand that people feel differently about this type of thing? I’m not insisting that you stop being the way you are so please stop trying to insist that those of us who disagree with your sentiments, are wrong.

I adore my friends but wouldn’t be able to do this sincerely as we don’t have that kind of gushy relationship. We would do anything for each other but o can’t imagine us getting that sentimental

It's so difficult to explain this to people who are overly gushy. My MiL could gush for England. I remember once we went out for dinner and she told everyone I hadn't liked the restaurant because all I'd managed when she asked was "Yes it was a really nice dinner". But that's all I'd said. The lack of gushy embellishments meant that I'd not really liked it that much. I simply cannot gush.
I wish I could sometimes.

You've written quite a long, articulate post about how I'm wrong, using a lot of words and sentiment. If someone asked you to write something much shorter, saying positive things, to a friend you or family member that you love, you would refuse. Does that not strike you as very odd? What is it about writing the positive words that feels so unpleasant that you would just flat refuse to do it, even if it would make the recipient very happy?

I meant to add that there are many ways to be kind to the people we love without writing and saying things that make us uncomfortable. Your assumption that we are unkind because we don’t do things the way you do, is incorrect.

What I'm curious about is why it makes you uncomfortable. That's a genuine curiosity btw, not accusatory or anything.

It's good to say that spontaneously, unasked for, and when the emotion comes to the fore. I do it myself, but when I'm with the person and it's the right moment.

But I can't write that stuff down from a standing start, and on demand.

But that’s the thing. I’m not saying you are wrong. I’m saying that not all people are like you and being gushy and overly sentimental is totally out of character for them. That doesn’t mean I’m not able to defend my position, so no, I don’t find it odd. You are still coming from your point of view rather than accepting mine.

It is not 'gushy' to say 'Thanks for being a great friend' or 'I so enjoy doing x y z with you.'

It is for some people and any of my friends would find it odd if I did. They don't talk that way either. You don't always need words, you just know because it's obvious.
Thanks for picking up my cleaning. Thanks for buying me coffee. Thanks for the birthday card. - But "thanks for being a great friend" just clangs for some of us. It doesn't need to be said. It is there in everything you do together. You just know.

You called people uniquely mean-spirited further up the thread and asked "What's wrong with people" for having their own opinion on the request so your claim to "genuine curiosity" and "not accusatory" isn't really ringing true

It absolutely 100% needs to be said. 100%. No wonder the world is so fucked up if people can't say nice things. Bloody hell.

Honestly I really don’t know. I’m not touchy feely and I hate people getting too close and invading my space. I’m just genuinely not sentimental and the thought of it makes me cringe.

To be fair you're saying it's gushy and overly sentimental, so you're not exactly being neutral!

I think most people have a moment in their lives where they realise saying the unsaid stuff is massively important, in fact one of the most important things. It's usually when it's too late, unfortunately.

More curiosity here - no need to answer if you don't want to - but if a friend you love sent you a note saying 'You have made my life brighter, thank you for your kindness,' how do you think you would feel?

No wonder that it’s fucked that people need to ask for multiple people to send them letters saying nice things!

I'm sure quite a few relatives won't get round to sending anything. It really isn't something lots of us feel comfortable doing! Can't she just keep all her birthday cards and have them round for tea to take a photo?

I'm stunned at how selfish some people are ? That they wouldnt push themselves out of their comfort zone to put pen to paper and write something nice for a grandchild's special birthday ?

Well yes we are coming from opposite sides on this and I’m calling it what it is to me. But you still seem to be insisting that we should change. In case we regret it. Again making assumptions.

Actions speak far, far louder than words.
(Although I appreciate that in the OP's case there are neither actions nor words.)

I don't think it's a matter of regretting it, it's more of a why not situation. If you love someone, say it. Why not use words to make someone feel good and loved and special?

Actions are hugely important, I agree. But words are equally as important. It is not a controversial thing to say that people need to hear that they are loved and valued. There's massive evidence to support it, but even without evidence it seems obvious.

Well a few of us have tried explaining it to you but you seem to have no interest in listening so I’ll stop there.

The irony of the letter writer not wanting to write a letter…