In-laws refusal of a letter.

[LongstemmedRose]

I’m not really sure where to put this, so I’ve added it as a chat.

My daughter is soon to be 18. She’s spoken to her boyfriend at length about a scrapbook she’d like to make, filled with cards and letters from all the people she loves and who love her. He messaged me to ask if I could help by collecting letters from her loved ones so he can add them to the scrapbook as one of her birthday gifts, which I thought was really thoughtful of him.

I messaged all of her loved ones yesterday — friends, family friends, family — basically everyone who loves her and has watched her grow and mature. Every single person agreed it was a wonderful idea and was happy to help. Some said they’d write a letter, and others said they’d do a longer birthday-style message.
I messaged my in‑laws yesterday and asked the same thing, and my MIL has point‑blank refused. Her response was: “It’s not our thing, so no!”

I’m really upset because my daughter is the eldest of the four grandchildren (two of them are mine and my husband’s) and the only girl. She has always been treated differently to the boys, and it’s very obvious that my son is the favourite grandchild. It’s hard to see, especially as my children are close in age and would have spent the same amount of time with my in‑laws.

As a bit of backstory: they stopped seeing my daughter when she was six months old and didn’t see her again until she was two. This was after a falling‑out, but they were never stopped from having a relationship with her.

They also chose not to come to our wedding, and the day before we got married my MIL posted a letter through our door telling my husband she’d never forgive him because she had “given him everything.” My husband was devastated, and it marred the day — not to mention everyone asking where they were. She made the day all about her, and it feels like she’s doing the same now. When my daughter opens her scrapbook, she will notice the absence of a letter from her grandparents, and it will just reinforce that she has always been treated differently.

To add, my FIL is an amazing man, and this will upset him greatly as he will have had no say in it. He has always been controlled by my MIL in every aspect of his life. Last week he actually lost his temper with her and shouted, which is completely out of character. She then spoke to my son about it and said she thinks he has dementia. I said I think he’s just had enough of being controlled.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and she’s done nothing wrong. What do I say to her when she asks where the letter from her grandparents is? She loves them dearly and I don't want this to throw a wedge between them and they are coming to her party so she may well ask them there and then! She is autistic so doesn't always see the world in the way others might.

I think you're conflating the current issues with the historic dramatics.

They said no, include some other memento and don't overthink it.

The historic stuff is more problematic in many ways.

@GloomyWednesday : Your MIL is a cunt

Is that necessary? You really don't know the woman.

It might be hardly a big effort for you but it is for some of us. I’m feeling really uncomfortable just reading about having to do this. I show my love and appreciation for the people in my life in other ways and if I was to contribute to something like this, everyone would know it was contrived. Or would think I had gone completely mad!

“No worries MiL, I didn’t really think it was your thing but I just didn’t want you to be embarrassed when everyone else in the family has written such beautiful messages and you didn’t write anything. Looking forward to seeing you at the party!”

This is what I’d do - along with the letters etc give the boyfriend a couple of photos - one of you with her, one of in-laws, one with some other family etc. So the lack of a letter doesn’t stand out as much.

Does fil have his own phone or email? If so you could try messaging or texting him the request and include whatever he sends….

Exactly.
A lot of people on here are being really mean-spirited. I find this sort of thing embarrassing to do as well, but if someone I love and respect wants it I'll do it. I was asked recently to do a big birthday video message for someone. I hate nothing more than my face and voice being recorded, but I knew the gesture would mean a lot to them, so I did a jokey one holding up signs in front of my face, like the 80s ad.

I think it's fine if they don't want to write the letter, your DD should know that not everyone will want to do what she wants and we can still appreciate the gift she gets.

Having said that if you already have such a relationship with ILs anyway you should already manage your expectations when it comes to them.

ILs agreeing to write the letter or not shouldn't affect your DD appreciating the gift or your love for your daughter so I don't what it's gjt to do with anything. Tell her they prefer not to write it and celebrate her in other ways.

Meant to add: but the problems here seem to be bigger and more various anyway. What MIL did before your wedding is inexcusable.

Yep, and I still wouldn’t do it.

I'm a loving and very involved mother and grandmother. I adore them all, and they know that.

But I really can't do this kind of sentimental stuff. I find it incredibly awkward and weird. I recognise that that's a 'me' thing, and I can't even explain it. Sitting with a piece of blank paper on front of me and being told to write down my feelings as if I'm taking to them makes my brain give up, and my body tense. Being asked to do it would make me cringe, and being pressurised to do so, even worse.

Years ago I attempted to write a letter to my daughters to go with my will. It took me a week to do, it's only short, and it's not even good. It doesn't read like me at all. I need to improve it but just getting it out of the file makes me tense.

So no, you have no right to insist that your PILs do this

She's an adult now. Tell her the truth. People won't always do what you want, they won't always see things the way you see them, they won't always be kind or reasonable even when they love you. You can't control any of that. Let her take a candid snap of the grandparents and include that. Or make a compilation of other messages they have sent her over the years.

Your FIL needs to grow a pair and write his own letter. You can't blame his wife for his choice to be spineless.

To be honest these memory scrapbooks aren't my thing either, and I'd probably end up writing some kind of goofy, sarcastic Dr Seuss poem.

They could add a nice photo of them, and sign it?

The in laws sound hard work.

I think a scrap book of photos through the years of DD with loved ones is a great idea - people can contribute if they have a favourite or funny photo with DD, along with any accompanying quips/stories/messages for those that are happy to provide something. You could also go through the family album & select photos, including with in-laws. You could leave room or do another book with the birthday cards, as someone suggested. You could also add in any photos of her celebrations.

also @Justmadesourkrautsuggestion 😂

Surely she means she wants to start a scrapbook to collect cards and letters that are sent spontaneously through her life?
Not specifically ask people to write them for her to stick in all in one go?
The bf is asking you because you might have access to anything she's already got to start it off

writing that kind of letter would be very difficult to most people, I believe. I myself would certainly struggle writing a personal letter to accompany my will.

However:

Dear Annie
Happy 18th birthday!
love, grandmama

with a nice photo of granddaughter as a girl/baby (maybe with you, maybe without you)?

💯

I went a friend’s milestone birthday party - a quite dressy affair. Anyhow, his partner had a book out and requested people to write something in it for the birthday boy. No biggie

OP's MIL does sound vile. But that doesn't mean anybody who would find this request cringey is vile too.

If someone asked me to write / share a birthday message or reflection on a close family member, I would do it. I'd find it a bit embarrassing (because unlike a birthday card, it would be less private, more permanent and probably more widely viewed). However, I'd do it.

I'd still do it if I found out if the birthday girl had actually asked for it – or even 'discussed it at length' with her boyfriend. But only because I don't want to fall out with my family.

Privately I would find it incredibly cringey and actually yes, very self indulgent.

If that’s touched a nerve, that’s not my problem. The OP was attacked for no good reason by a bunch of mean-spirited t**ts, and it’s ongoing. Pointing that out using their own words seems fair enough to me.

I think it’s terribly self indulgent and I hope that you and your DD’s boyfriend have got the wrong end of the stick, and what she actually wants is a scrapbook of cards, notes, photos that you and she have saved over the past 18 years.

If she really has asked for a bunch of letters or notes from people, it’s going to end up being a scrapbook full of generic and/or chat gpt messages - as perfectly demonstrated by the suggestions for messages given by several posters on this thread.

So proud ✔️
Intelligent ✔️
Hardworking ✔️
Young woman ✔️
Yawn!

There is no AIBU in the OP, and no vote. It’s in Chat, and the OP asked for advice on how to deal with the MIL refusing the request. Half the posters on here seem to have mistaken it for a a) poll on whether they would agree to write a loving message for their own grandchild and b) an opportunity to stick the boot into a parent for trying to facilitate something nice for their child. Ridiculous

I think you’re overthinking this Op.

Pop the card they give her in it. If she asks, say it’s not really their thing is it?

I know you say they favourite your son but I’m assuming they’re not sending long, gushing letters to him? So this isn’t a case for her to notice they favour him.

Worst case - she gets very upset because her grandparents are missing you just tell her the truth which is that they love her, but they’ve always been odd people and didn’t even come to your wedding. It’s not about her, it’s about them being a bit odd.

Thank fuck I don’t, she sounds terrible!

Based on the evidence supplied by @LongstemmedRoseI stand by my assertion.

I’m the previous ‘owner’ of two MILs and I’m one myself so I’m aware of complex dynamics but OP has written of awful behaviour and nastiness throughout her marriage from her MIL.

I love my granddaughters but I wouldn't want to do this either - it's very performative and as it lacks spontaneity it will also fail to be authentic

I hate this sort of thing too.

Did she really request it? It sounds terribly narcissistic.

For my children's 18ths, I made them scrapbooks myself with poems and photos of them - but that came from me, not from them requesting it! And I would never have asked other people to join in.

I think you've set them up to be 'the bad guys' and you need to stop!

Its not something you should really ask for yourself, its something you might organise for someone but not something you should ask for. Please write down how great I am....its just embarrassing

Having said that, it sounds like the grandparents don't treat her fairly and that's not ok