In-laws refusal of a letter.

[LongstemmedRose]

I’m not really sure where to put this, so I’ve added it as a chat.

My daughter is soon to be 18. She’s spoken to her boyfriend at length about a scrapbook she’d like to make, filled with cards and letters from all the people she loves and who love her. He messaged me to ask if I could help by collecting letters from her loved ones so he can add them to the scrapbook as one of her birthday gifts, which I thought was really thoughtful of him.

I messaged all of her loved ones yesterday — friends, family friends, family — basically everyone who loves her and has watched her grow and mature. Every single person agreed it was a wonderful idea and was happy to help. Some said they’d write a letter, and others said they’d do a longer birthday-style message.
I messaged my in‑laws yesterday and asked the same thing, and my MIL has point‑blank refused. Her response was: “It’s not our thing, so no!”

I’m really upset because my daughter is the eldest of the four grandchildren (two of them are mine and my husband’s) and the only girl. She has always been treated differently to the boys, and it’s very obvious that my son is the favourite grandchild. It’s hard to see, especially as my children are close in age and would have spent the same amount of time with my in‑laws.

As a bit of backstory: they stopped seeing my daughter when she was six months old and didn’t see her again until she was two. This was after a falling‑out, but they were never stopped from having a relationship with her.

They also chose not to come to our wedding, and the day before we got married my MIL posted a letter through our door telling my husband she’d never forgive him because she had “given him everything.” My husband was devastated, and it marred the day — not to mention everyone asking where they were. She made the day all about her, and it feels like she’s doing the same now. When my daughter opens her scrapbook, she will notice the absence of a letter from her grandparents, and it will just reinforce that she has always been treated differently.

To add, my FIL is an amazing man, and this will upset him greatly as he will have had no say in it. He has always been controlled by my MIL in every aspect of his life. Last week he actually lost his temper with her and shouted, which is completely out of character. She then spoke to my son about it and said she thinks he has dementia. I said I think he’s just had enough of being controlled.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and she’s done nothing wrong. What do I say to her when she asks where the letter from her grandparents is? She loves them dearly and I don't want this to throw a wedge between them and they are coming to her party so she may well ask them there and then! She is autistic so doesn't always see the world in the way others might.

It’s not my thing either, but I’d do it if asked. It’s a special birthday and rather than asking for expensive gifts, she wants love and memories. Even if I didn’t write something mushy, I would find a poem, photo or just write my favourite memory. It’s not a big ask.

Just reply 'noted'. You can't make them contribute (assuming your FiL actually read the txt?). Perhaps suggest a way to incorporate their birthday card. Otherwise, you can't control their behaviour. Btw, are you sure your daughter wants BF to do the scrapbook; sounds like she wanted to do it herself, post-birthday. You might suggest he checks.

Is there anyway you can contact your FiL directly? If its something he would like to do but MiL wouldn't is there a way could do it without knowledge? It is a lovely idea and so sad that her grandparents will be the only ones missing. How does she feel about her grandparents? It may not have been obvious to her when she was younger but i can't imagine she would not have seen the difference between her and her brothers treatment by this age. Maybe she just needs a small push to go NC and maybe this is it.

I agree. It's a fuss about nothing. Just put in the birthday card. Tbh I think demanding fawning letters is a bit cringey but she is young .

Why lie or make up some crap excuse - your daughter is an adult (shortly), but even children should learn how to form relationships with people as they are and not how we wish them to be.

Take emotion out of it - they were asked but said they didn’t feel comfortable. You’re sure they’ll get a gift and express their feelings in their own way (if that’s correct).

my kids have no relationship with the father or his family - as an example my 8 year old heard something about CMS on the radio and asked what it was. I explained and she said, oh - so you get that from my dad. I told her the truth - nope, but we have what we need anyway. She accepted it with no drama - sure when she’s older she’ll realise how shitty it is, but it won’t be a massive shock, more a slow realisation, and ultimately l, that’s all on him, I didn’t flag him off but told her facts without emotion .

I think you just say it's not their kind of thing and grandparents sometimes approach things differently (e.g. Dad's side differently from Mums side etc).

I hope she has a lovely 18th.

I thought the scrap book would be of cards and letters and keepsakes she already had accumulated over the years. Not for people to all write something specifically for the book?
So surely if she or you have kept that stuff then one new letter from one person won't be missed.

I'd do this if asked by a close family member, but it wouldn't be a route I would naturally have chosen (I'd have written a special birthday card and bought a present, which I might have posted or given in person). Not everyone is naturally so gushing and it wouldn't be everyone's style.

I think it is rather a sweet thing for the boyfriend to want to do for your DD though, and I'd appreciate him for that. However, I do think you made an error approaching your rather toxic MIL about it at all. Perhaps you missed a trick by not bypassing her and going straight to FIL. You knew really what her reaction would be and didn't really need to give her the opportunity to prove it.

It's done now though. As others have suggested, if they do send a card just stick that in the scrap book and otherwise make no issue out of it. Don't even mention it or draw attention to it in any way. Just let it lie. Your DD presumably has some idea of the state of the strained relationship with the in-laws so probably won't be surprised.

That would probably be my chosen approach anyway.

@EarringsandLipstick What a truly horrible post. What is it with all these replies, calling what OP / her DD is doing 'twaddle', 'twee', 'self-indulgent'?

It’s not horrible. It’s calling it what it is. Trying to impose this bs on others shouldn’t be acceptable. That’s why there are ‘all these replies’ essentially saying this, because it’s the truth if the matter.

How many people doing this are actually rubbing their hands with glee and sitting down thinking ‘thank god I get to do this today, how great’. Versus people thinking ‘fuck, why are they doing this to me, guess I better just get it over and done with and make up some bs that sounds good’. Pretty sure I’m right on which side of thinking the majority will be in.

Op could you get a special card for fil to write in he can just add his wife at the bottom it’s unfair on your dd but unfortunately this happens in families. She sounds horrible to your dd tbh.

I agree. Yes. She probably wanted to keep all the cards and photos of the party in an album or something.

I also think that the DD and her BF thought it was a wonderful kind idea and thought of it in an idealistic way. They'd probably be really shocked by the some of the comments along the lines of - "so your DD wants everyone to tell her they love her" ( I'm sure most of the people she loves, love her too BTW.

The problem is that some of the people OP is asking are a bit older and "wiser" maybe they've had some steep learning curves of experience in life and they don't immediately see that the DD and BF have done this in all innocence. But they can immediately see that not everyone will automatically "get it" and want to participate... so its not an idea they'd propose.

Also.. OP.. You have a MIL who will never willingly co operate with anything you suggest. And she enjoys doing it because its a little stab at you. Give it up and stop asking her. Stop expecting anything from her just because she has the title of grandmother or MIL. She's not interested in the traditional role. Stop giving her opportunities to upset you.

I know you want to protect your DD, but don't get involved in this.
MIL's unkindness is on her. Why cover it up?
That's the truth if your DD notices.
You've sort of implied that the early days of MIL ignoring her, Mil still carries a grudge about it. You can't change MIL or expect loving behaviour from her. So don't try. Let her grudge keep her warm and pity her for her cold character.

Your DD has loads of others who love and cherish her. Don't even bring it up.. or if DD does why not just suggest DD put's the card in (as other pps have said) or take a photo on the day. It will hurt more if you say I asked her and she said no. And maybe your DD is old enough now to ask her outright. Perhaps MIL needs to be challenged.

Your DD has parents who do love her and that at the end of the day is far more important. She knows you will make her birthday special. I hope you all have a wonderful celebration together. Focus on that and put MIL's attitude to the very very back of your mind.

Some of the terminology used by others on this thread is so awful! "hate" this sort of thing and "BS (bullshit) amongst others. Why be so horrible? It's really unnecessarily unkind. If these things make you feel awkward, just write "Happy 18th Birthday". You can then explain separately that it wasn't really your thing. Point blank refusal speaks far more negatively about the refuser than it does the person trying to make a lovely gesture, however much you personally choose to judge it negatively.
FFS, it's the celebration of an 18th birthday. Just be bloody kind!

@LongstemmedRose

Am I right in thinking that your daughter is not their biological grandchild but one of the elder 2 children you had when you got married to your DH?

I have to be honest, if my daughter asked for something like this I'd be a little bit worried about her and her feelings of self esteem. External validation doesn't replace what she's feeling inside. I would probably sit down with her and ask her if everything is okay?

If the boyfriend has done it off his own initiative I'd think it was sweet but as she has specifically asked for it I would be a little concerned about her feelings of self worth.

Does she have contact with her biological dad and his family? Milestone birthdays can often bring up a lot of mixed emotions.

And the irony if saying how mean everyone is and calling the MIL vile

You know that entitlement comes in many forms, not just financial?

I think it's an unreasonable expectation too. One of my dds would like something like this- and always writes heart felt appreciative messages in cards. But the rest of us would struggle and I'd feel like I was imposing if I asked wider family to do the same.

A photo book of her life would be a more appropriate idea.

Plus OP, knowing one grandparent wouldn't be up for it, should have suggested something different.

If people did it to me, I'd really cringe.

It's fine. They don't want to do it. No big deal.

It’s not my thing either. Like being told at a wedding to say a few words to video for the couple. What can you say other than congratulations you make a lovely couple? Over and over again. It’s hard enough coming up with something to say in a birthday card let alone a letter! The whole thing sounds kinda narcissistic to me.

Just stick the last card MIL gave to DD into the scrap book. Or stick cards she will receive on the birthday there, including one from her grandparents.

DD won't notice at all.

Pop a photo of Grandparents with DD too. Always these types of gifts are full of hugely varied entries.

Not RTFT but your MIL sounds like a real piece of work and actually like she has a screw loose and your FIL sounds pathetic given that he's let his wife repeatedly rough up the family rather than standing up for his children and grandchildren. But anyway - it doesn't have to be a letter; presumably they will send her a card or something and that can go into her scrapbook. Happy 18th to your daughter.

That is quite mean of them but just stick a photo of them with her in there and she might not think about the letter because there's something of them in the book.

It’s possible to love someone but be uncomfortable with this. Does she want people to put in the letters how much they love her or something similar ?

Sounds like he is well and truly under the thumb of the MIL!

I'm surprised at how many people on here say they wouldn't do it, it's not asking much more effort than finding a lovely card and writing a long message. I've seen things like memory boards at weddings, even funerals, so it's not so odious.

I think I am missing something - I can’t work out what sort of thing the daughter wants people to write?

can someone clarify please

Same here. I’m not mean-spirited, I just detest this kind of thing.