In-laws refusal of a letter.

[LongstemmedRose]

I’m not really sure where to put this, so I’ve added it as a chat.

My daughter is soon to be 18. She’s spoken to her boyfriend at length about a scrapbook she’d like to make, filled with cards and letters from all the people she loves and who love her. He messaged me to ask if I could help by collecting letters from her loved ones so he can add them to the scrapbook as one of her birthday gifts, which I thought was really thoughtful of him.

I messaged all of her loved ones yesterday — friends, family friends, family — basically everyone who loves her and has watched her grow and mature. Every single person agreed it was a wonderful idea and was happy to help. Some said they’d write a letter, and others said they’d do a longer birthday-style message.
I messaged my in‑laws yesterday and asked the same thing, and my MIL has point‑blank refused. Her response was: “It’s not our thing, so no!”

I’m really upset because my daughter is the eldest of the four grandchildren (two of them are mine and my husband’s) and the only girl. She has always been treated differently to the boys, and it’s very obvious that my son is the favourite grandchild. It’s hard to see, especially as my children are close in age and would have spent the same amount of time with my in‑laws.

As a bit of backstory: they stopped seeing my daughter when she was six months old and didn’t see her again until she was two. This was after a falling‑out, but they were never stopped from having a relationship with her.

They also chose not to come to our wedding, and the day before we got married my MIL posted a letter through our door telling my husband she’d never forgive him because she had “given him everything.” My husband was devastated, and it marred the day — not to mention everyone asking where they were. She made the day all about her, and it feels like she’s doing the same now. When my daughter opens her scrapbook, she will notice the absence of a letter from her grandparents, and it will just reinforce that she has always been treated differently.

To add, my FIL is an amazing man, and this will upset him greatly as he will have had no say in it. He has always been controlled by my MIL in every aspect of his life. Last week he actually lost his temper with her and shouted, which is completely out of character. She then spoke to my son about it and said she thinks he has dementia. I said I think he’s just had enough of being controlled.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and she’s done nothing wrong. What do I say to her when she asks where the letter from her grandparents is? She loves them dearly and I don't want this to throw a wedge between them and they are coming to her party so she may well ask them there and then! She is autistic so doesn't always see the world in the way others might.

It's sad and upsetting, but it's even more important for your daughter to form her own opinion of her grand parents and not yours. Would it have been nice to have them contribute? Of course it would. But in their refusal to contribute,a token or keepsake, or even a picture of them with her may suffice. They may have their reasons but I'm certain they love their grandchild and can and have probably expressed it in one way or another. Don't let this issue be another cinder to and old and persisting fire- if you can help it.

You are totally overthinking this. For many people this wouldn't be their thing and your ILs have form. Let it go.

Just put a photo in and if she asks say 'not really their thing is it'. Presumably she knows her grandparents well enough.

It's a no from me. Too forced, and too twee.

I can see your point about the grandmother, she doesn't seem a nice person at all so surely you must have known what she would say. But this scrapbook thing just sounds so self absorbed. I wouldn't write anything for something like this if asked . While it sounds nice in theory its just asking people to write how much they like/love you and why ,and a load of old random shit. Sorry op but its entitled behaviour and no 18 year old is know would ask for something like that

Since it’s a scrap book, I’d give the boyfriend a few photos of the grandparents with DD and leave space for their card, if any.
That will take the wind out of the drama queen's sails.

I hate doing things like that...its just not me. I find it too gushy . Please accept we are all different and let it go.
They will no doubt b giving her a birthday card...just add that to the album and don't make a thing of it. Your daughter will not notice
It sounds like your MIL and you are very different. That's life!

I wouldn't attempt that. He'll be 18 and they'll be able to send him whatever letters they like, even make their own scrapbook. MIL appears to have enough form for being a dick that it's better not to make this an issue.

My sister made me a scrapbook for my 18th birthday 20 years ago! And I made her a mix tape. I think it's been around for a while.

I think people are being a bit harsh on this thread, OP. In-laws clearly never liked you, and probably don't like your DD because she looks/is similar to you. We had a lot of clear favoritism from my grandparents as well and my parents were always very honest with us abotut it.

I would just put a photo of them with your granddaughter on a page and then leave a space to stick their birthday card in (assuming they bother to write one).

She's an adult now, no need to shelter her anymore. If she asks, be honest. "I've always thought your grandmother's a bit of a bitch" should do it.

Isn’t that what DD is essentially asking? “Please send me some well-wishes (be that a card, letter or similar) so I can add it to my scrapbook”?

it’s a really sweet wish from a soon to be 18 yo imo. It’s also quite simple to fulfil. So I’d gladly do this for somebody important to me.
A gift I choose to give (to someone else) doesn’t have to be to my taste…

When my daughter opens her scrapbook, she will notice the absence of a letter from her grandparents, and it will just reinforce that she has always been treated differently

Are you always this dramatic? I would refuse also. I suspect nothing to do with her being a girl, or not being a golden grandchild. Everything to do with someone with some sense making a stand and refusing to submit to such self-indulgent twaddle. No way I’d do it. You can bet anyone who has agreed is utterly cringing as they try and bash out some bullshit under duress.

Ask FIL to send you a WhatsApp saying something nice, and that he loves her. Print that out and add it to the book. It's easy for him to do and doesn't involve MIL.

Dear Florence,

Wishing you many happy returns on your 18th birthday. We're so proud of the intelligent and hardworking young woman you have become and everything you have achieved. Hope you have a lovely birthday and a wonderful year to come.

It's not that hard?

I would talk to FIL directly and ask if he would just make sure they send a nice birthday card with a note in it which can be added into the scrapbook

Even if it wasn’t my thing or I found it cringey, I’d still do it because it’s what someone I love wants, it’s not about me.

It makes someone come across poorly when everyone else has managed to come up with at least something, and take a few minutes to write it down, but one person is missing. “We love you so much, we’re proud of you and wish you happiness for the future” is enough and takes seconds, a lot of the time it’s the effort that counts rather than the actual words.

One of my friend’s dying wishes was to get positive voice notes from her friends every day that she could listen to. I hate voice notes and couldn’t think of anything to say but I did it anyway and did my best because it was what she asked for. Imagine how my friend would’ve felt if I was the only one who refused because I just didn’t like the idea of it and didn’t want to bother trying ☹️

What a truly horrible post.

What is it with all these replies, calling what OP / her DD is doing 'twaddle', 'twee', 'self-indulgent'?

I think it's a lovely idea. I can also see how it's not everyone's preferred choice. But if someone asked a fairly simple request of me - to write / share a birthday message, or reflection, on a close family member - which I do think is a lovely idea, but even if I didn't, of course I'd do it. It's hardly a big effort.

OP, your MIL sounds completely vile. Of course, she will use this request as another way to be hurtful. A PP had it - put the photo in, and if there's a query as to where their message, just say 'oh, you know what they're like'. I hope your DD has a lovely birthday and gets loads of pleasure from her gift.

I find it rather difficult to appreciate the difference between writing some nice lines on a birthday card and given said card to the birthday girl on the day of her birthday celebration and simply sending the card / letter a few days (or weeks) in advance so they can be added to a scrapbook.

Is the latter particularly onerous? Or worse / considerably gushier than the former? I just don’t see it.

unless one were to object to all birthday cards / all written forms of showing care and affection, I suppose. 🤷‍♀️

@LongstemmedRosethere’s such a lot of miserable fuckers on this thread with their performative emotional twattishness.

How much effort would it be to write a note or card to say ‘I’m so proud of the young woman you’ve grown into, I remember when you tiny and obsessed with spiders/Peppa Pig/playing x game, happy birthday etc’???

Your MIL is a cunt and FIL weak and your DD and her bf sound lovely.

It’s heartbreaking when our children are shown such disdain and hurt but I suppose your MIL has form for it. I wouldn’t have anything to do with them anymore after this but I don’t envy you having to tell your DD about it.

I’d probably sit down now with DD and tell her what shits her grandparents have been over the years (which you’ve probably shielded her from to some extent) and explain it’s no reflection on her as MIL is a deeply unpleasant person.

What I find bizarre is that I imagine it's probably the same people who think Gen Z are snowflakes and should just suck it up and get on with things.

I don't enjoy writing thank you letters: I find them stiff, formal and old-fashioned. But I write them because it's a polite thing to do and people appreciate them.

Similarly, you may not enjoy writing a few sentences for a birthday letter. Just do it to be nice? It's not going to cause you physical harm.

And what a stand it is…

”oh no, my grandchild would like a nice message from her grandparents to add to her scrapbook? How self-indulgent! She really ought to ask for some cash instead of gushy, emotional letters!”

and let’s not forget that the vast majority of relatives would accompany a cash gift with a birthday card, which would usually contain “some emotional bullshit somebody had to bash out under duress”… (to use your lovely words).

Honestly, I skimmed all that gushy shite, like I’d do if someone wrote it in a card to me.

No, thank you!

I wouldn't want to do it either.

I had to write something in a book at my sister's wedding and I didn't know what to write.

@LongstemmedRoseyour daughter, possibly because of her autism, has a very fixed idea of what of she would like. It sounds like lots of people are very happy to oblige, which is lovely. Focus on that. If she notices her grandmother hasn’t participated, presumably she knows her well enough to accept that it just isn’t her thing? Your mother-in -law sounds like someone I would be steering well clear of to be honest. She sounds like mine. I let her get away with so much for so long, then sent her a text to say I was done, but wishing her all the best.

@LongstemmedRose I think this started off as a sweet idea but as is often the case when people try to be nice it sounds like it has gone too far and misses the point.

Your DD has said that SHE wants to make a scrapbook of important moments, cards and letters she has received from people she loves. That is a lovely idea.

I think she will really appreciate the effort people are making to contribute to her scrapbook, but I think she would hate the idea that people are being made to feel oligated to contribute.

I also wonder if you or her BF making the scrapbook for her takes away the specialness of her creating her own book of the things that matter most to her. If she is allowed to do it herself, it may be that some of the letters you have badgered prompted people into writing won't make it in anyway, because she will already have something more important to her from that person, that was done spontaneously. It may be that she already has a card or letter or photo from her grandparents that she would like to include. Or if not, maybe the scrapbook is something that grows, and your FIL or MIL may send her a note in future, when they don't feel that there is so much expectation and pressure around it.

Or maybe this is just me. I would hate it if I told DH that I wanted to make a scrapbook of special memories and for my birthday he presented me with a fait accompli to save me the bother of doing the lovely thing I had been really looking forward to (and worse, choosing the things that should be in it).

But it's not for you! It's for a granddaughter who has specifically requested it and therefore is going to read it.