In-laws refusal of a letter.

[LongstemmedRose]

I’m not really sure where to put this, so I’ve added it as a chat.

My daughter is soon to be 18. She’s spoken to her boyfriend at length about a scrapbook she’d like to make, filled with cards and letters from all the people she loves and who love her. He messaged me to ask if I could help by collecting letters from her loved ones so he can add them to the scrapbook as one of her birthday gifts, which I thought was really thoughtful of him.

I messaged all of her loved ones yesterday — friends, family friends, family — basically everyone who loves her and has watched her grow and mature. Every single person agreed it was a wonderful idea and was happy to help. Some said they’d write a letter, and others said they’d do a longer birthday-style message.
I messaged my in‑laws yesterday and asked the same thing, and my MIL has point‑blank refused. Her response was: “It’s not our thing, so no!”

I’m really upset because my daughter is the eldest of the four grandchildren (two of them are mine and my husband’s) and the only girl. She has always been treated differently to the boys, and it’s very obvious that my son is the favourite grandchild. It’s hard to see, especially as my children are close in age and would have spent the same amount of time with my in‑laws.

As a bit of backstory: they stopped seeing my daughter when she was six months old and didn’t see her again until she was two. This was after a falling‑out, but they were never stopped from having a relationship with her.

They also chose not to come to our wedding, and the day before we got married my MIL posted a letter through our door telling my husband she’d never forgive him because she had “given him everything.” My husband was devastated, and it marred the day — not to mention everyone asking where they were. She made the day all about her, and it feels like she’s doing the same now. When my daughter opens her scrapbook, she will notice the absence of a letter from her grandparents, and it will just reinforce that she has always been treated differently.

To add, my FIL is an amazing man, and this will upset him greatly as he will have had no say in it. He has always been controlled by my MIL in every aspect of his life. Last week he actually lost his temper with her and shouted, which is completely out of character. She then spoke to my son about it and said she thinks he has dementia. I said I think he’s just had enough of being controlled.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and she’s done nothing wrong. What do I say to her when she asks where the letter from her grandparents is? She loves them dearly and I don't want this to throw a wedge between them and they are coming to her party so she may well ask them there and then! She is autistic so doesn't always see the world in the way others might.

You clearly have a dysfunctional relationship with your MiL (she sounds narcissistic) you & your DH need to set some boundaries going forward on how your relationship looks with your MiL to stop issues like this cropping up. Surely given her behaviour you’d know her response to this request wouldn’t have been great.

However….. I really hate being asked to participate it things like this (the scrapbook) especially as it’s not really her boyfriends idea, your daughter has asked him to do it… there’s something a bit narcissistic about that, maybe she’s inherited some traits from your MiL

@LongstemmedRose don't worry nor lose any sleep over your MiL's refusal.

Your daughter will have a treasured memory from those closest to her, those who freely wanted to and honoured her request without compunction.

MiL's refusal, even as the grandmother to her oldest grandchild, speaks volumes.

Your daughter will recognise and appreciate each and every person who offered their contribution.

I think it's a lovely idea. Just print out MILs email saying This is not our sort of thing, so we won't be writing anything' and stick it in, with a picture of your PILs and a gap to stick in her birthday card from them, if they send one. You can laugh with dd about how everyone is different and that families are made up of all sorts . . .

This is fabulous ♥️

Do you actually take pleasure in trying to put someone down in this way? If you have literally nothing constructive to say other than ‘ridiculous’ or ‘self worshipping’ then why not try saying nothing at all?

It’s actually quite ‘self worshipping’ to line up on a thread to berate an OP and her daughter - neither of whom are doing anything harmful by the way - in the way you and others have done, thinking your utterly pointless posts are of worth or interest. Being rude and mean to them for no good reason isn’t remotely impressive, it’s just rude and mean.

But they aren’t/they don’t. I think op they shouldn’t have been asked as they aren’t people who love and care for her so they shouldn’t get a place in this scrapbook.

They also chose not to come to our wedding, and the day before we got married my MIL posted a letter through our door telling my husband she’d never forgive him because she had “given him everything.
Are you sure they didn't think they couldn't come to the wedding and were saying they'd never forgive him for stopping them coming?

You sound horrible, @AelitaQueenofMars .

I agree with PP. There’s nothing you can do, don’t even respond.

What was her reason for boycotting your wedding? What does she have against you?

Do you actually take pleasure in trying to put someone down in this way? If you have literally nothing constructive to say other than ‘ridiculous’ or ‘self worshipping’ then why not try saying nothing at all?

To be fair to @Witchonenowbob that is her opinion and she's free to state it.

It's not up to you to tell those whose posts you don't like the wording of, that they should 'say nothing at all'.

This is not how chat forums work.

This is actually perfect and hilarious 😂

Yabu, I would say no too. It’s cringey.

@AelitaQueenofMars the irony of you berating another poster for being rude and mean when being... well... far MORE rude and mean than they were!!

Oh give over! OP asked AIBU, yes she is and no (on this occasion) MIL is not!

Just stick the 18th cards in it!

Exactly!!

I'm not sure if the OP is coming back but on the off chance they do...

Why did you ask your MIL, given the history and that you know exactly what she's like?

Was her response really a surprise or were you testing her, or both?

When, and if, she asks, you tell her the truth. You say everyone was asked and the majority thought it was a wonderful idea but her grandparents declined to be part of it. Don’t flower is up, don’t make excuses. I know it hurts, I’ve had a similar thing in the past but you DD must have the truth.
I hope she has a wonderful birthday 💐💐

Bloody hell so many miserable people in MN these days, can’t find the words/ not my sort of thing/ awful and cringy, not to be able to say something nice about your own grandchild wtf is wrong with you all. I bent over backwards as a parent to let my kids know I loved them and was proud of them, life can be hard and knock people down, kids can be bullied, surely one of the most important things we can do for our children is make them feel valued and secure in our love.
My grown up kids will still give me a hug when they meet up with us. In my professional life I see many cases when children are not loved or valued and the effect it has on their mental health.
Now my kids are grown up and I have grandchildren who were staying with us at the weekend and there were hugs and love you grandma and grandad on arrival and departure and us saying love you to, lots of praise when they were helping us in the garden and admiration of their drawing and construction skills. We even went to visit my mum so their great grandma who they also have a great loving bond with. No child can be loved too much and is that supposed to stop when they are 17 or 18. If I were asked to write a special loving message of course I would.

Agree, i don't think she is looking for new messages, but cards and letters from the past

I’m really not keen on the letters thing either. Asking people to write a letter telling you how great you are and how much they love you is a bit self indulgent IMO. Why not do what people have always done for big events invoking cards - keep the cards and some memorabilia of the day, buy a beautiful box, and keep it all in there.

Surely it would be better if the DD put everything in a scrapbook herself? All the cards, letters etc people send to her freely, maybe with photos of her growing up? That way she knows the sentiments are sincere.

Just send the boyfriend a photo of your DD with the inlaws, presuming you have any, and get him to use that.

I'm with others in that it does sound a bit forced and contrived. Just leave a space in the scrapbook to add their card and tell DD that letter writing isn't their thing.

That aside, why did MIL feel it necessary to veto the wedding, and what could she not forgive your DH for? For getting married? She sounds a really horrid person and I agree FIL has probably reached the end of his tether, though he must be quite weak to have put up with it this long.

I hate this kind of thing but I’d have still done it because I don’t expect the world to revolve around my feelings, it’s my grand daughters birthday and it means something to her, and I’m not a selfish raging narcissist. It sounds like, when coupled with the history, you’d all be better off without this awful woman in your lives.

I think your role as parents is to build up a child to not mind at all that her grandparents didn’t contribute to a scrap book. However I would also say firmly to grandparents that’s fine if it’s not your thing but you will not be permitted to send any similar message to ds- if it’s not your thing then it’s not your thing, we won’t have our children treated differently.