Older DS gone for his first night out, worried sick, how do I stop this feeling ??? 😭

[custardcreamsrock]

I start by saying DS is 24 bit of a late bloomer but has recently started Uni & seemed to blossom, however this has also meant he has started doing what is normal for young adults and party with his friends, this being the first time, ( was previously a home body) I know it’s normal for people his age to do this stuff, he is with friends, but my bloody stupid brain will not stop thinking of the worse case scenario 😭 he does not have a phone with him ( long story) but has assured me he will get a Taxi from the city centre home. He’s a smart lad, very sensible, is this how it is for all parents when they start having their own life?? P.s I do have MH problems so i suspect this is not helping the situation, I have not told him any of this and just said ‘ have fun, but be sensible’ and I have always encouraged him to enjoy life and embrace new experiences, but it’s killing me inside 😞☹️

Thank you ☺️

My kids are very young but I think I'll feel the same way when they're out drinking. He's your baby and it's only natural you'd worry. You've done the right thing by keeping your worries to yourself though as he really is more than old enough to be out by himself. Maybe the fact he's a late bloomer is making it harder for you, but at 24 you're lucky you even know where he is today. Try not to dwell, just think about how nice and relieved you'll feel tomorrow morning when he's home and remember that it'll get easier each time he goes out and comes back without incident.

I had two children before my 24th birthday.

In this case, I think ‘failure to launch’ is caused by ‘chained to launchpad’.

So what! The OP suspects that her DS is ND.

Having children before you are 24 isn't an achievement to shout about.

I had a 4 year old at 24, and I still worry about her even though she’s now 27, what’s your point exactly?

In between moving house, I temporarily moved back to my parents. I worked late shift at a newspaper so was getting home around 3am.

My dad later told me that mum always stayed awake till I was home.

I was 42 at the time. 😆

1. I am ND.
2. It was perfectly normal then. I married at 22, and had two children 15 months apart.

Frankly, I think some MN people forget that the main point of parenting is to raise offspring to become adults. I’ve never understood this preference for neoteny.

@custardcreamsrock I’m a mental health nurse and quite worried that you’ve stopped taking your quetiapine. Are your care team aware? If not, please let them know. You said that you stopped taking it due to weight gain but there are other medications available that can help in a similar way and don’t have that side effect. Please let them help you.
In terms of your anxieties, do you think that not taking the quetiapine might be making it worse? Sometimes when our emotions aren’t stable, things can seem much scarier than they actually are and we also might end up catastrophising. Have you been taught any skills that might help or have any PRN you could take? Do keep posting here if it helps, but if not, maybe find something distracting to do? x

Nobody has said anything like that, they’ve just pointed out that your ds is a grown man.

And? My mum worried still worried about me up until the day she died - I was 43. My elder DCs are in their late 20s. I don't hold them back and my mum didn't hold me back, but it's perfectly normal for parents to worry about their DC as they embark on new stages in their lives.

My point is that I was an adult at the age of 24, and so is the OP's son.

I'm autistic, too, before anyone else uses that as a reason for panicking about an adult man going out.

I genuinely expected to read that you and I are in the same situation -
that both of our DS15 are having their first nights out tonight, and how nerve-wracking it is….
and then I saw yours is TWENTY-FOUR. 😳

I’d been going out several times a week for a DECADE by age 24, had done 2 degrees, lived 300 miles away and was engaged.

It’s hard always. My youngest DS is 18, he’s joined the merchant navy, flew to Bermuda alone to join a ship, sailing to Rio. I miss him and worry with every breath. Having children is your heart living in someone else forever

Err my mum had 2 kids by 22, then another much later
we have all had a brilliant, successful life

I agree it probably wasn’t one of my best decisions to stop taking it, after discussing with my DH who has suggested I restart my Quitiapene until my next appointment with my phychiatrist and then he will come with me to the appointment to discuss my concerns due to my weight etc. & the possibility of switching to a different medication, I only have propanol as PRN which is not helping however I have just taken my Quitiapene tonight so hopefully I can start getting better, thank you for your helpful suggestions, it really means a lot ☺️❤️

Being married and having 2 kids by 22 is not something I’d want for my child and I don’t think anyone on here would want it for their child either.

But as you know times change, just like young people nowadays mature slower and it’s completely normal to not go out until you’re older.

I know some people who have never been to a club and have no intention of ever going to one as it’s not their thing.

This brings home to me the MN narrative of having complete control of your DC’s life by not allowing them a phone, buying all their clothes for them at 16 (as I saw on the thread about inappropriate clothing today) yet the minute they turn 18 they are out to fend for themselves.

People can’t have it both ways.

ps I was married at 20, and a mother of 2 at 23, and I still worry about both my DC going out 20 odd years later. It’s nature.

in my opinion OP, his age is irrelevant. My mum never ever stopped worrying about my brother going out. Granted this was due to substance misuse issues and what might happen on a night out but my point is that age doesn’t stop worry.

I’ve also had many sleepless nights when my son has been on nights out; often it’s not them that’s the worry, it’s other people who they might encounter. I hope your son has a safe night out and has a great time. I’ve no words of advice as I know you’ll be worrying but just letting you know you’re not the only one!

Also agreeing it’s totally normal for parents to worry about their adult children as well as their little ones.

Im going to make a left field comment though that I hope will be helpful and not upsetting! Sometimes I think we have to accept that the worst case scenario can happen. Our kids will suffer in some way or another, you know that because he already has in various ways I am sure. I think there’s a peace in practicing accepting that life is completely outwith our control, and we can’t stop bad things happening.

What we do have control over is how we react to situations and you going over and over your fears is making you feel worse. And perhaps the medication is part of that. But what can you do to distract yourself or stop these kinds of thoughts? I guess MNing is a suitable distraction and you are sensible seeking support like this. It’s ok to feel anxious, but remember worrying will change nothing apart from make you feel bad.

So those who had DC by the time they were 24 think they deserve to be applauded for it?

There are clearly reasons why this young man is a late developer, so telling the OP she is a shit parent who hasn't cut the apron strings isn't going to help, is it?

As a parent you never stop worrying about your children. DD is 25 and is very independent, but if something isn't right with her, of course I worry. It's only natural.

There’s “perfectly normal for parents to worry” and there’s “worried sick”, “killing me inside”. And this is a 24 year old man we’re talking about, not a slightly wayward teenager.

God this place is a cesspit. Only on MN could a parent face such unpleasantness for being worried about their child. And yes some parents do continue to worry about their kids no matter how old they are. It’s fairly normal. You’d think other parents on an actual parenting forum might be a bit more understanding even if they don’t feel the same way but no, let’s all just give the op a kick in for fun. Twats.

Well said @wellbruce

I don't post on threads where parents are worried that their DC are struggling to pass GCSEs in maths and English, to boast about DD's academic achievements (although it sounds like I am doing so here, so apologies for that).

Some people just don't know how to read the room.

So what? Different people react differently and worry in different ways. It matters not a jot.

@custardcreamsrock I can totally relate. I'm a worse worrier than you. Luckily adult dss keep me in the loop. They don't live at home but one is here a lot. I even worry when he's at the local because he gets smashed. Eldest is more sensible now.
The thing is when people are drunk their faculties are affected. Their reactions slower. They're vulnerable. And if your ds isn't experienced in partying you're bound to worry.
I was the biggest party animal going when young. My dss are karma,especially youngest 🙈

Fuck anyone else's opinion.